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The Sith Wars have become a unique part of RASSM History since the first one occurred in late 1996 (as of January 2001, there have been seven). They have allowed the posters of RASSM to take the Star Wars universe to places not even George Lucas would dream about, though some of them may have shown up in his nightmares. The Sith Wars have also taught some very valuable lessons, but no one seems to learn from them. After all, history does repeat itself...


SITH WAR I

This is probably the most famous of the RASSM history archived on The Official RASSM Homepage. It is constantly referred to in other threads and messages, and many poster's signatures include something about their exploits in the great Sith War. To some, you're not a true RASSMer if you didn't fight in the Sith War.

The Sith War originally started back in September 1996 when James Trory Fan Club leader James Trory announced to RASSM that he could use the Force. It was a bold step forward in the history of RASSM because never before had anyone claimed to be able to use this astounding power.

It has to be explained first that at the time James used in his signature file a quote from a British TV show called "Red Dwarf". It went like this: "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!" -- Commander Arnold J. Rimmer.

Several weeks after James became a self-proclaimed Sith Master, James Watson began a thread called "What's with all the Jameses??" where he listed all the Jameses currently posting on RASSM (there were something like six or seven). He listed James Trory as "James the Kipper Master". After someone else referred to James Trory as "Kipper Master" he responded in the form of another thread called "What's with calling me the "Kipper Master"???". Soon, war was to break out!

James Watson continued to insult his name-sake by claiming that a true "Dark Side master" like James Trory would not be so kind to the money making schemers that James Trory had been flaming. A true "Dark Side master" would just anihilate them all. He furthered the insult by questioning the authenticity of James Trory's title "Sith Master". Rich Handley and Andy Dill, as early members of the JTFC, stepped in on their master's behalf and war broke out!

In the first few weeks of the Great War a James Watson Fan Club was mentioned as a means of battling the JTFC affectively, but Master Watson dismissed the idea as cowardly. A personal battle soon began between the two leaders; whilst James Trory threw Salacious Crumb into James Watson's living room, Watson locked Trory in a room with two Trekkies arguing over who was better between Captain Kirk and Captain Picard! This continued for a short while until one or the other forgot to respond and the conflict ended.

James Watson soon became known as the "Master of the Dark Side", and it later became known that he was a member of the dark Dark Side. Similarly, James Trory and the JTFC were soon recognised as members of the light Dark Side, and James King was the sole member of the dark, dark Dark Side. But someone (???) uncovered Watson's true identity; that of Jaames C'Watson the evil clone! It did little for the progress of the War but did entertain the crowd.

Master Watson's only follower was Sal the Great who offered to be his second in command (although she was affectively already his number two) and in accordance Master Trory promoted Andy Dill to his second in command for his sterling work on the battle field. Andy soon became known as General Sai and was given the job of training the JTFC Shock Troops (ie. The remaining members of the JTFC). Watson, however, was not phased.

Soon another force was to appear -- Scott Chitwood was new to RASSM and was fortunate enough to land right in the middle of the Sith War. He adopted the title Jedi Scott Chitwood and offered his services to the highest bidder. Both Watson and Trory tried to sway his political affiliation until Watson retreated to the Dark Side and parked the Death Star on Jedi Chitwood's front lawn, shooting his little dog in the process. The newly formed Rebels offered Chitwood his own ship, but he declined the offer. He asked Master Watson if he could wear a black cape and a helmet he couldn't see out of if he joined the dark Dark Side. Master Watson ignored the request and fried the Jedi's pink flamingos instead. Chitwood joined the Rebels.

At the time the Rebels were being led by Mon Kelly Frieders, after she took something Master Trory said to her as rejection and began an attack on the Jameses. Dannik Jerriko, the soup drinking vampire from Tatooine, had begun the rebellion against the Rebellion, and when asked by Mon Kelly why he was rebelling, his answer was "I don't know!". So they joined forces and formed the Coallition of the Rebellions. Mon Kelly was assigned to a capital ship; the Mon Calamari Cruiser Biko (named after a Peter Gabriel song about a South African anti-apartied fighter, Stephen Biko). Jedi Chitwood was given a similar ship; the Bilko (named after the Phil Silvers character??).

Jedi Chitwood launched the first attack on the JTFC. He snuck into the Death Star and painted the Shock Troops' armour pink, shrunk their underwear, put itching powder in their shorts, and dipped their hands in warm water whilst they slept.

They were mad!

Next, the Bilko and Biko made a run on the Death Star. After being pulled inside, Chitwood distracted the troopers by giving them Force wedgies and and thermal cherry-bombing their toilets. Then he fed the stormtroopers Ex-Lax with the name scrapped off. As the troopers made a mad dash for the toilets, Chitwood and Mon Kelly escaped. Chitwood then over-loaded the Death Star computer with a binary e-mail of a nude Jabba the Hutt. The Death Star exploded.

General Sai was furious at the exploitation of his Shock Troops, so he plotted the ultimate revenge. With his elite troops, General Sai sneaked into Jedi Chitwood's camp and put saran wrap over his toilets, making his late night pee a catastrophe.

Meanwhile, after a brush with the Rebellion, Daniel Miller of the JTFC was given his own squadron of A-wings; known as the Screaming Gundarks. Their first mission was a success. They attacked and destroyed Jedi Chitwood's ship, the Bilko, along with Mon Kelly's Biko. Luckily Chitwood nor Mon Kelly were aboard either ships. Chitwood was having a barbecue in his back yard over a flaming piece of Death Star. However, stored on the Bilko was his entire collection of original Star Wars figures!

Chitwood got his revenge on Sai and Daniel by sitting in front of them with the Jedi Knight basketball team during the new Star Wars Prequel films.

For this outrage, General Sai sent a flock of seagulls to Chitwood's house, where they launched excretion at the Jedi's head.

From here on, Jedis Nolan and Paladin, mercenary Gretal Many and JTFC member #16 Rakelle in particular got involved, whilst somehow Jaames C'Watson got turned into an Ewok and General Sai died and melded together with his formidable War Machine! For [a lot] more information, and original posts from the Sith War, visit Rakelle's Sith War Archive.


SITH WAR II

Never before has RASSM seen a sequel to a war, and never before has a war followed a plot. But the infamous Sith War II does both of these!

The war began in mid-November 1996 with the arrival of SithGuy on RASSM. SithGuy was in fact a friend of James Trory who was determined to end Trory's reign as leader of the JTFC. It wasn't because he wanted to rule, but because he felt Trory was a dictator and a megalomaniac. Obviously the JTFC leaped to their leader's rescue again, and SithGuy soon found himself totally outnumbered. This is where SithGuy leaves the story, but everyone on RASSM saw the opportunity for another Sith War. A unanimous decision was for the war to end on a certain date, and that date was to be January 1st 1997. Not surprisingly, it didn't end until June 1997.

The war kicked off with a post from Scott Chitwood. It was in the office of George Lucas that Lucasfilm representative Steve Sansweet noticed something odd about Lucas and the way he was acting. It soon became apparent that it was in fact a pre-programmed droid who's intension it was to sabotage the new prequel trilogy.

Sith War II (68K Zip File)


SITH WAR III

Does RASSM never learn? Not even a day had passed before the possibility of yet another Sith War arrose. Once again, James Trory was causing trouble, this time during a game of sabacc, the famous card game played between Lando and Han (the prize in this case being the Falcon). Well actually, that's not entirely true. James made a post with the title "This place *is* great!" where, for a change, he praised RASSM and its posters. At the end of the post he wrote: "Now, who's for a game of sabacc?". Several people took him up on his offer, one of whom was Dark Rendar and Barq, veterans of the previous Sith War.

The real trouble began when Trory's paranoia got the better of him and he told Barq to get away from him. Rendar, as a joke (you should never joke with a Sith Warrior!) told Barq that Trory had walnuts in his pockets. With utter delight, Barq dived at Trory to get at his nuts (ahem), but this proved to be a fatal error. Trory took the squirrel by the throat and drew his blaster on Rendar. Before Rendar could react, Edward Lee - a fellow sabacc player - advised him to lay his hands on the table. Unfortunately, at that exact point, a group of drunk RASSMers burst into the cantina they were playing in and in their excitement at the thought of the new Star Wars prequels, picked Ed up and hauled him outside. Rendar managed to make his escape from the chaos, and having picked himself up off the floor, Trory stuffed Barq into this coat and left very quickly, planning on coming back for Ed later. However, Ed managed to get away and caught up with Trory before he left RASSM City.

When Dark Rendar discovered that Trory had captured Barq and was holding him for ransom, he declared war on the Sith Warrior and the Sith War III was under way.

Of course, the biggest question was: how had Trory come back? Having been executed in the Sith War II by General Sai (and suffering the humiliation of a public execution and the loss of the leadership of the JTFC), how had Trory returned from the dead? Well, down in Star Wars Hell, Emperor Palpatine had granted Trory one last chance to make right what had gone wrong. Unfortunately, Trory had lost the JTFC and only had Ed for company. Still, he had Barq to ransom off... Things progressed to new levels of stupidity.

This place *is* great! (23KB)

For more information, and original posts from the Sith War III, visit Rakelle's Sith War Archive.

Sith War III never really ended, as the participants walked away from the battlefield and entered the world of diplomacy for The RASSM Summit.


SITH WAR IV

Even though Sith War III had not ended yet, some were eager for the next War to begin...

Sith War IV began with RASSM City recovering from the destruction of the Summit Hall, which took half the city with it. RASSM'ers went about the business of rebuilding their city yet again, unknowing it would be destroyed yet again. And again. And...you get the idea. During this rebuilding, a Shadowy Figure appeared on the scene threatening to destroy RASSM City if everyone does not become nice. Needless to say, RASSM'ers promptly ignored the Shadowy Figure.

Somehow it was discovered Microsoft had funded the rebuilding of the destroyed parts of RASSM, and with the help of Dark James C`Wok was quickly buying the rest. The Sith Warriors would have none of this however, and quickly attempted to rally RASSM'ers against The Evil Empire. But, it was not to be. RASSM'ers saw Microsoft's power over the 'net, and quickly succumbed to it. However, our Heroes (which now included Sith Master Trory of all people) would have none of it and immediately set out to destroy Microsoft and free RASSM.

Little known to the Sith Warriors, however, other plots were afoot that could divert their attention from the enemy and doom RASSM to forever be slaves to Microsoft....

Sith War IV Archives


SITH WAR V

Sith War IV had a left bitter taste in the mouths of the occupants of the RASS System. While Sith War IV had its moments of glory, it was generally considered to be the one of the dark moments in Sith War history. However, it was only a matter of time before another Sith War took place.

The signs of a possible Sith War began with sentiment about how much people still loved RASSM City and the exchanges between Grand Admiral Kallas and the the head of the JTFC, Emperor Trory. As a representative for the people of the Tenasi System and the Shaven Wookies, Chris Hawkins attempted to persuade the two sides from entering into combat. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late as Grand Admiral Kallas & the Flouridian Navy attacked Soltakia, part of JTFC Space in the outlying BFE System, and instigated Sith War V.

Sith War V (165K Zip File)


SITH WAR VI

Sith War VI aka the Forgotten Sith War...

If there ever was a Sith War that most people wanted to forget about it was this one. With the exception of one or two individuals, no one is really sure what events took place during Sith War VI.


SITH WAR VII

The Gungan Mafia and the Porkinites were at war. A crazed individual blew up Planet RASSM and destroyed the RASS System. Where there was once was funkiness, now there was none. Gender-bending, Funk, mass destruction, musical numbers, and more pop culture references than one can shake a Jawa at. Glory had returned and its name was Sith War VII.

Sith War VII (430K Zip File)


History Archive Directory

Constructed: 20 August 1998
Last Revision: 12 May 2001