From: Jedah Subject: Big Trouble in Little Tatooine Date: 8/10/2000 Just passing the time at work when it struck me that a lot of the stuff Lucas has been saying about "balance of the Force" is very similar to the explanation of David Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China. Mostly I just love that movie. BTiLC. Kicks major ass. Personally, I'd love to see a "Jack Burton" (Jack Solo! ;) in Episode II, spouting off what he'd do in a situation... "When the Dark Lord of the Sith comes walkin' toward you all tattooed and nasty with his double bladed quisinart ready to turn your insides into frappe, and says to you, "Are you ready to die, Jedi scum?" you just remember what old Jack Solo says in that situation. "Are you ready to die, Jack?" "Yes sir, as soon as I figure out how to turn blue and misty." He could fly an old freighter called the Millennium Porkchop. Whenever he beats a Sith in combat by throwing their saber back at them, he says, "It's all in the reflexes." Am I crazy here or would this be a killer movie? Look for it next year: Star Wars: Episode II - Big Trouble in Little Tattooine Jedah "You were not put upon this Earth to GET IT, Mr. Burton!" ------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Rabid Hoojib Date: 8/11/2000 Why wait till next year?? -------------------------- Act III -------------------------- WangToo D2: "Whoa, this is some ..heavy.. shit... How did I wind up in the Hell of the Soggy Drawers?" Egg Shen: "Come on out, my lil' friend, I won't jump you.." WangToo D2: "Oh, su-u-u-ure.. I believe that.." Egg Shen: "Oh, don't worry about him, he'll be blessed by the Wind of the Sueyhouse.." YangToo D2: "Damn! Just when I thought I was gonna get outta paying that stupid `nothin or double' idea.. razzlefrazzlerazzlerazzle..." Luke Burton: "Groan... What, who we're those freaks, Wang?" Egg Shen: "Easy, Jack.. You've had a busy binge..." Luke Burton: "Egg? ..Egg Shen?!? ..boy am I ever glad to see you!" Egg Shen: "The Chinaland wastes are not to be travelled lightly, young Burton, ah-so tell me, what brings you out this far east?" Luke: "This `po `ole country-boy Wang, he ran off last night owing me money.. Egg: "What a curious `lil character.." WangToo D2: "My Yin wasn't in harmony with my Yang, that's why I didn't cut the cheese!" Luke: "He keeps spouting some ancient oriental nonsense about owing somebody else, and being on a mission... I've never seen such devotion in a Wang, he says he's indebted to someone named Ober-Easy Shen... Do you know what he's babbling about?" WangToo: "Hey, i'm just a `po ole country-boy..." Egg: "Ober-Easy, now that's a name I've not heard since, well - since before you were circumcised.." Luke: "Ohhh, so you DO know who he's babbling about, do you know who this Ober-Easy is?" Egg: "Why, of course I know who he is, he's me.. But I haven't gone by the name Ober-Easy in a verrrry, long time..." WangToo: "SayyyyWHAT?! Bada-bing! ..woohoo.." Luke: "Oh, So he is your Wang..." Egg: Funny, I don't seem to remember a Wang owing me anything, at least - not in this incarnation.. Luke: "Well, you won't mind if I collect my winnings then? He kept demanding `nothing or double', when he shoulda got ou..." Egg: "..We better get a move-on, the Wing-Khan are easily startled, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers!" Luke: "You don't have to tell Luke Burton twice, Egg.. Let's just hop in my SkyTrucker and.." WangToo: "Mao Yin! WooWoo! LukeLukeLuke!" Luke: "Huh? ..Oh no, Eddie-O!" See Eddie-O: "Oh man, what happened?" Luke: "We gotta make tracks, can you shag ass?" Egg: "Let's book, they're on the move!" WangToo: "C'mon, `ya gotta move like the wind.." Eddie-O: "I'm wore out, you go on - Jack, save your precious caucasian butt.." Luke: "What kinda talk is that? We're not leaving you behind.. You promised to loan Wang some cash, to pay me off.." (to be dementedly continued) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 06:47:04 -0700 From: Jedah Luke and Yoda are talking on Degobah before Luke leaves for Cloud City in ESB: Luke: What's that you're wearing, Yoda? Yoda: [holding up bag] Seven Demon Bag! Luke: What's it got in it? Yoda: Wind, fire, that sort of stuff.. Luke: O.k. Yoda: [pushes a drink towards Luke] Luke: What's in this, magic potion? Yoda: Yeah! Luke: Thought so. What do I do, drink it? Yoda: Yeah! Han and Leia disembark from the Falcon on the asteroid in ESB: Leia: Where are we? Han: The hell of being eaten by a giant space worm! Leia: What? Han: Corellians have got a lot of hells. Han, Luke, Leia and Chewie are in the trash compactor in ANH: Han: What the hell is this stuff in here? Luke: Black blood of the Death Star. Han: You mean lubricant? Luke: No, I mean black blood of the Death Star! [creature grabs Luke, who flails and flails and finally gets free] [Luke throws a little crystal from his utility belt] Luke: You will trouble us no more! Han: What the hell was that thing!!! Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, having just turned up an alley in Theed in their hovertruck, the Lightsaber Express, are stuck as a parade of gungans passes by. Obi-Wan: What is this, some kind of parade? Qui-Gon: It's a funeral. Those are gungans. Obi-Wan: These gungans, they got enemies? Qui-Gon: Yeah, battle droids... Obi-Wan: [looking in mirror]...Who look like bad pipe cleaners... Qui-Gon: Don't make a sound...it's a Naboobian stand off. Vader fights Obi-Wan in the Death Star: Vader: When last we met I was but a learner. Now I am the master. Obi-Wan: Only a master of evil, Darth. I can see things no one else can see, do things no one else can do! Vader: Peasant magic. You never could defeat me! Luke slips into the Ewok village to rescue Leia in a scene never filmed! Luke: [standing in an ewok hut] The shuttle driver said...well...if I was looking for a good time...you know...the White Ewok could...um... Ewok Madame: Oh yes...just a moment... [Another Ewok (presumable female) comes in] Ewok Mistress: Hello...cash or charge? Luke: Oh, cash I supposed. It's not deductable now is it! Ewok Mistress: Mrs. Wong will help you. Luke: [looking at pics of the ewok hookers] You know I wish these were in color because what I'm really looking for is an ewok with green eyes! And price is no object. Fresh off the shuttle's the way I like 'em. The more exotic the better. Ewok Madame: Ewoks do not come with green eyes. Jedah Keeping this silly thread alive!