Subject: [HUMOR] Secret Script For Episode III REVEALED! Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 15:43:25 GMT From: lurkhere@my-deja.com Organization: Deja.com - Before you buy. Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Hi all, OK, I used my Time Machine this morning to go forward in the future and get a copy of the shooting script for Episode III. As you'll see, Lucas manages to resolve the whole Palpatine/Sidious thing with a series of unlikely revelations and unbelievable plot twists - in other words, it's par for the course. Or, I may be lying about the Time Machine - I may have just written this myself. You be the judge. EPISODE III: HERE'S WHERE YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE ALL THE STUFF YOU ALREADY KNOW HAPPENS ACTUALLY HAPPEN - AND SOME SURPRISES TOO, SINCE GEORGE LUCAS LOVES UNLIKELY PLOT TWISTS EXTERIOR: The very edge of LAVA PIT somewhere on NABOO. OBI-WAN and ANAKIN (now a young man played by Leonardo DiCaprio - ha ha ha!) are milling around waiting for something. ANAKIN: Are you sure this is where he said to meet? BEN: I have a bad feeling about this. DARTH SIDIOUS [from BEHIND BEN and ANAKIN]: So, the meeting I foresaw has come at last! [BEN and ANAKIN whirl around to face him. Although Sid is garbed in his "concealing" robes and hood, it's obvious to anyone with functioning eyeballs that he's IAN MCWHATHISNAME] BEN: This is a fight you cannot win, Darth... oh wait, wrong movie. SID [cackling]: Soon young Skywalker will be MINE. Here, Anakin, take a look at these! [SID hands ANAKIN a large envelope that contains a number of black and white 8X10 glossies. ANAKIN gapes at each one, while BEN squirms in silence beside him] ANAKIN [angrily]: Obi-Wan! How COULD YOU?? With my WIFE!! The MOTHER of my CHILDREN! And what's that on your head? BEN [quietly]: Captain Panaka's hat. ANAKIN [still looking at photos, turning them this way and that]: I didn't even know this stuff was physically possible! BEN: You still have much to learn of the Force, young Padawan! [This is more than ANAKIN can take - he ignites his LIGHTSABER] ANAKIN: Prepare to meet the Force, you double-crossing bastard! BEN: No Anakin! You must never strike in anger! Anger and hate are the paths to the dark side! ANAKIN: I thought Yoda said that fear is the path to the dark side. BEN: Well, yeah - fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate... ANAKIN: I'LL tell you what's made me ANGRY here... [Suddenly out of nowhere, a GROUND CAR pulls up. CHANCELLOR PALPATINE steps out. BEN and ANAKIN gape at him.] BEN: What the hell-? ANAKIN [in unison with BEN]: I thought you were... PALPATINE: I told you two a hundred times in the LAST movie, I'm NOT him! [gestures at SID] SID: I see you got my e mail, Palpatine. PALPATINE: Yes, yes I did. I'm a very busy man, you know. What do you want? SID: I just wanted to let you know that I'm a secret clone of your cousin's half-brother. PALPATINE [clearly confused]: You're WHAT?? SID: Yes, in fact, that's how the Clone Wars end up getting their name. By the way, did you know that the Queen's throne room is equipped with security cameras? PALPATINE [blanching]: NO! SID [chuckling evilly and tossing a hand held video player to ANAKIN]: Look at THIS! [BEN and ANAKIN crowd in to look at the video player. They both gape in DISBELIEF] PALPATINE [from video player]: Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? AMIDALA [also from video player}: YOU ARE! YOU ARE! [her voice rises in an incoherent shriek of pleasure] BEN [looking SICK]: I don't believe this. ANAKIN: YOU?? YOU don't believe this?? BEN [still looking at video player]: Is that - ? ANAKIN: Yes. Panaka's hat. BEN: That kinky bitch. PALPATINE [backing away from ANAKIN, who is bearing down on him in a RAGE, his LIGHTSABER ready for action]: Er... I can explain everything! ANAKIN [enraged]: Oh yeah??? Explain it in HELL! [ANAKIN brandishes his LIGHTSABER and slices off PALPATINE'S HEAD] SID [cackling like a LOON]: Good, good! Now he's dead and I look just like him in this robe and hood! I can assume his identity and get myself crowned Emperor. I bet you weak-minded fans never saw THAT coming. [cackles some more] He was unarmed, defenseless! And you struck him down in rage! Now, finish off Obi-Wan and take your father's place at my side! BEN: Wrong movie, you idiot. SID: HA! Shows how much YOU know! My late apprentice Darth Maul was young Skywalker's father! ANAKIN: What??? SID: Don't tell me you were stupid enough to buy that virgin birth stuff. BEN: Anakin, don't listen to him! He's trying to get you so enraged that you can't control yourself! SID: Obi-Wan never told you about your father, young Skywalker. He never told you the truth. Your father was also Obi-Wan's father's best friend's college roommate. ANAKIN: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! That's NOT TRUE! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!! SID: Search your feelings, Anakin. You know it to be true. [ANAKIN lunges toward BEN, who ignites his LIGHTSABER and easily deflects ANAKIN'S attack. They FIGHT. ANAKIN gets tossed into the LAVA PIT. SID cackles like a MENTAL PATIENT] BEN [deactivating his LIGHTSABER and glaring at SID]: He's YOUR problem now. [Stalks off] SID: At last, all that I have foreseen has come to pass! [he raises his hands up to his hooded face - a light flares briefly. He grasps his hood and slowly removes it, revealing his face for the first time - he is THE CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN from "The X-Files". Still cackling madly, he takes a deep drag on his CIGARETTE as the end credits roll] Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.