* * * * HARRISON: Okay, all the players are here.. CARRIE: Except Billy and Frank, who'll be coming around later. MARK: But where's George? KENNY: Oh, George called, said he couldn't make it. Had a dentist appointment. ALEC: Syeah, right! I'll bet he's really playing that silly pre-World War II Treasure Hunting game with that Spielberg geek again. PETER: Yeah, what a loser! ANTHONY: But if George isn't here, who's going to be the GM? KENNY: George said his friend Irvin will be coming around to replace him! All groan, except for Kenny. KENNY: What's wrong? MARK: We've played with Irvin before. He's horrible. He's a real Killer GM. Worse, he can't seperate his real life feelings from the game. If he hates you in real life, he'll hurt you in the game. ANTHONY: I called him a 'twerp' last week. I'll doubt my Threepio character will survive the session in one piece. MARK: All I did was forget to return the Star Trek action figures I borrowed from him... CARRIE: (sarcastically) Oh, gee. Well, then maybe you'll survive with just *one* of your limbs chopped off. HARRISON: Uh-oh... KENNY: What's wrong, Harry? PETER: Ha! Kiss Han Solo goodbye, guys! HARRISON: Well, that was a long time ago, I'm sure he's forgotten about me stealing his girlfriend! ANTHONY: Ouch. Sorry. I really liked the way you played that smuggler. * * * * IRVIN: Okay, guys, let's rumble! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! Here's the deal: the Rebels have set up a new base on the freezing ice world of Hoth, right. So Mr. Luke "I'll bring Kirk back next week, honest!" Skywalker is currently scouting out the treacherous, snow-covered monster-infested wasteland of the planet, riding on a snow-kangeroo but otherwise all by his lonesome. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! Lukey pukey's just noticed an object shoot from the sky and impact on the ground a few hundred meters from your position. MARK: Um... I use my scanner to scan for lifeforms. If that's okay with you, of course, Irvey... IRVIN: Sure! Allow me to roll for ya. Irvin rolls a few dice behind his GM screen. IRVIN: You detect absolutely no lifeforms in the vicinity. No lifeforms whatsoever (supresses an evil chuckle). MARK: Okay, I contact Han to tell them of my findings. "Echo Three to Echo Seven. Han, old buddy, do you read me?". IRVIN: Han's also out there in the snow by his lonesome placing a few perimiter sensors for the base. He's finished, and just about to go home. He, too, detects no lifeforms in the vicinity. He receives your signal. HARRISON: I get my comlink and respond "Loud and clear kid. What's up?" MARK: "Well, I finished my circle. I don't pick up any life readings." HARRISON: "There isn't enough life on this ice cube to fill a space cruiser. The sensors are placed. I'm going back." MARK: "Right. I'll see you shortly. There's a meteorite that hit the ground near here. I want to check it out. Won't take long." (muttering cynically to himself) I hope... IRVIN: Nyuck nyuck! Your trusty snow-kangeroo suddenly starts twitching nervously! MARK: I try to calm it down. "Hey, steady girl. What's the matter? You smell something?" IRVIN: Suddenly, from out of nowhere, comes a huge, eleven foot tall snowmonster! Before you can take another action, he lunges out with his claws, immediatly killing the snow-kangeroo and (roll, roll, roll) knocking you unconcious! MARK: WHAT!?! I just scanned for lifeforms for chrissakes! You said there were none in the vicinity whatsoever!! IRVIN: Oh yeah? Well, maybe you rolled a 1 on your wild die! A fumble! Ever think about that, mister "I'm sorry I broke off Spock's left ear"?! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! * * * * CARRIE: So a droid who came from the far reaches of space fell to the ground here to scan the area. Can I roll my knowledge roll to see if I can deduce what kind of droid it was? IRVIN: Oh I'll tell you: it was... CARRIE: Wait, don't tell me. "An Imperial Probe Droid". IRVIN: Correctamundo! HARRISON: I tell Leia over my comlink: "It's a good bet the Empire knows we're here." CARRIE: Hmm.. I dunno. The droid was pretty far from the base, and it hardly scanned any lifeforms since it was destroyed so quickly, so it's theoretically possible the Empire doesn't have a clue as to our position. ANTHONY: Quite right, Carrie. I don't think the Imperials could deduce the Rebel position from so little information. IRVIN: Well, if you say so, Mr. Twerpmeister and miss "I wouldn't make out with you if you were the last man on Earth". Suuuure, they don't know.. Nyuck, nyuck! CARRIE & ANTHONY: (in unison) They know. * * * * IRVIN: Okay, that's it for this session. Lessee.. Carrie's precious rebellion got decimated, Harrison's character is a popsicle, Mark's is dismembered and lost his saber, Alec didn't get to do much of anything, Billy's character lost his job, Tony's is in pieces, my new 'friend' Kenny's character got swallowed by a swamp monster... all in all, a pretty good session if you ask me! All groan. ALEC: I believe Harrison said it best when he said "It's not fair!"... IRVIN: Nyuck, nyuck! I can't wait to GM the next session, if George'll let me. I don't mean to spoil it for you but I'll reveal this much: you thought that Death Star thingie was destroyed? Guess again! Yup, the Empire's built a new one! WithOUT an exhaust port this time! Bye bye Rebels! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! * * * *