Date: Mon, 7 Apr 1997 14:15:46 -0500 From: Chris Layne Reply-To: sith@lords.com Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Subject: OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT I Here's Act I, at long last!!! Who's writing Act II? You'll have to read it and see. >|) Enjoy!!! THE OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT I TITLE: James King Destroys the RASSM Universe __________________________________________________________________________ [ESTABLISHING SHOT: THE FIDOTECH CHEMICAL PLANT, NEAR THE EASTERN SEA] (A large creature emerges from the Eastern Sea near the Fidotech plant. It's full form isn't seen, just bits and pieces pass the camera in quick snippets. A pillar of fire bursts forth and destroys the Fidotech plant completely.) [LONG SHOT: THE CREATURE MOVES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. PAN TO A CLOSEUP OF A ROAD SIGN READING "RASSM CITY - 25 MILES"] [ESTABLISHING SHOT: RASSM CITY HALL. A LARGE CROWD IS ASSEMBLED OUTSIDE] [MEDIUM SHOT: MEETING ROOM. THE RASSM CITY COUNCIL IS ASSEMBLED INSIDE] A dignified-looking man enters the room and the councilmembers fall silent. It is the Deputy Mayor of RASSM City. DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: In the Mayor's absence, I'll be dealing with the situation at hand. As I'm sure you're aware, the Fidotech plant was completely destroyed this morning. Rumors of a giant creature heading towards RASSM city are circulating. I've called the governor and he's sent the National Guard, under General Silvestri, to check out the situation. That's where things stand at the moment. Are there any questions? COUNCILMEMBER RIMRUNNER: Don't you think calling in the military was a little drastic? At this point, we don't even know what's out there. DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: It's only a precaution. If there is a creature on the loose, we're hoping it won't be necessary to use force. COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: Maybe if we ignore it, it'll just go away. DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: That's WHAT we've sent General Silvestri to find out. (A red phone on the briefing room table starts to ring. Gerthein answers it. After a moment, he cups his hand over the receiver) DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: It's the General!! [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF A QUIET FIELD JUST OUTSIDE OF RASSM CITY. (General Silvestri is on a jeep in the foreground, holding the receiver of a black telephone in his hand. Several tanks and heavy artillery pieces are in the background, and soldiers are running everywhere. The rumble of the creature's footfalls can be heard in the background.) [GENERAL SILVESTRI] There definitely is a creature, sir, and it's headed this way. My men are into position to intercept it, whatever it is. (pause) No, don't worry, sir, it'll never make it into RASSM... (The shouts of the soldiers draw the General's attention and he looks into the distance) [MEDIUM SHOT OF A TREELINE] (The sound of the creature's footsteps grows louder. Finally, the creature breaks through the treeline. A 30-story tall CG James King bellows, steps through the trees and breathes fire on a tank that has rolled into frame. [LONG SHOT OF THE FIELD] (The Army opens up on the giant James King with all of its firepower, but to no avail. The giant James breathes fire on the attacking columns, scattering them in various directions. [CLOSEUP OF DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN IN CITY HALL] DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: General, what's going on? (pause) General?!? [MEDIUM SHOT OF THE FIELD] General Silvestri, still on his jeep, is in the foreground, while the battle rages behind him) GENERAL SILVESTRI: I'm afraid there's not much we can do, sir. James is flaming everything in sight. I'm going to have to pull back. [CLOSEUP OF DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN INSIDE CITY HALL] GENERAL SILVESTRI (on the phone): We'll set up a defensive perimeter around- (the phone goes dead, and Gerthein slowly hangs it up, looking somewhat shaken) DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: I'm afraid we're on our own. [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF A RASSM CITY STREET] (The street is the picture of chaos. People are running everywhere, looting, partying, or looking to escape. The sounds of the giant James's footfalls are growing steadily louder. In the distance, a man is waving a large sign that reads "THE END IS NEAR") TRAVIS ILM: See, I told you he was coming, but would anybody listen? Nooooo. GRAY LEADER: You told us who was coming? TRAVIS ILM: Why, Howard Stern of course. He's going to slaughter the lot of you. BA BA BOOEY!!! GRAY LEADER: What!?! CHRIS LAYNE: Let's get him!!! GRAY LEADER: I'll BA BA BOOEY you, if I get my hands on you!!! (The RASSM throng stops looting, partying, and escaping long enough to beat Travis senseless.) [PAN TO A MEDIUM SHOT OF TWO MEN IN CIVIL DEFENSE HELMETS RUNNING UP TO THE THRONG] CHRIS LAYNE: Look, it's Police Commissioner Bas-Jan and Chief Rendar!!! COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: Citizens or RASSM city, please remain calm!! We have a plan to defeat the giant James, but it we need your help! (The throng drops Travis and heads over, listening intently) [CLOSEUP ON CHIEF RENDAR] CHIEF RENDAR: All right throng, here's what we're going to do. [CUT TO A VERY, VERY LONG SHOT OF THE RASSM CITY SKYLINE] (The 30-story tall CG James emerges at the edge of town, breathing really cool CG fire, bellowing, and knocking the fool out of every building around.) [CUT TO A MEDIUM SHOT OF THE GIANT JAMES DEMOLISHING A BUILDING] (The RASSM throng rushes into the foreground, all carrying flame throwers) CHIEF RENDAR: All right, now!!! Hit him with everything you've got!! (The throng opens up on the giant James, but he is unaffected) [CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF THE THRONG, RENDAR, AND BAS-JAN] COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: It's no use. Flaming him isn't working. In fact, it seems to be making him stronger. It's almost like he thrives off of it. I'm afraid we'll have to tell the Deputy Mayor that we're out of options. (Councilmember Paula runs into frame and approaches Commissioner Bas-Jan. She's loaded to the teeth with arms, munitions, and a Salad Shooter) COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: I thought you wanted to ignore the giant James? COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: I did, until he stepped on my house and breathed fire on my car! COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: Ouch!! COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: Tell me about it. I noticed something about the giant james, though. I think I may have found a weakness. There's a big cable running from his... backside. It stretches for miles. If we could get close enough to him to check it out... COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: Where are we going to find someone brave enough to get a close look at his butt? CHIEF RENDAR: Barq will do it!!! BARQ: Squeaks loudly. CHIEF RENDAR: He agrees!!! [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF THE RAMPAGING CG JAMES. PAN TO A CLOSEUP OF BARQ THE SQUIRREL RUNNING ALONG THROUGH THE DEBRIS BEHIND HIM] (Barq gets to the cable and examines it closely, then squeaks and barks loudly in Chief Rendar's direction) [CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF RENDAR AND BAS-JAN] CHIEF RENDAR: I don't believe it!! COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: What?? CHIEF RENDAR: Barq says the cable has AOL stamped on it. COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: It must be cut. Tell Barq to chew through the cable!!! [CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF BARQ CHEWING THE CABLE] (Barq cuts through the cable with his powerful squirrel teeth, and the giant CG James collapses, demolishing an entire block of internet businesses that were busy spamming RASSM City during the confusion.) [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF THE RASSM CITY COUNCIL APPROACHING THE THRONG, DARK RENDAR, BARQ, PAULA, AND BAS-JAN] DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: Good work everyone!! You've saved RASSM city!! COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: Actually, Barq is the real hero, sir. CHIEF RENDAR: We'll have to have the Mayor make him the Official RASSM Cool Squirrel when he returns. (The Throng cheers Barq. Councilmember Bycer runs into frame and approaches Deputy Mayor Gerthein) COUNCILMEMBER BYCER: We just received a priority message from the Governor. Apparently, Shinji and his army of trolls are on the march for RASSM city!! They want revenge for what the throng did to TravisILM!! DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: Oh great. Here we go again. END ACT I. ___________________________________________________________________________1 Hope you all enjoyed it!!! I choose Rakelle to write Act II. The title will be "RASSM NEEDS WOMEN" and will star the world-famous female RASSMers!! Chris Layne _________________________________________________________________________ | Sometimes known as Dark Lord Karno Dal | | | | Check Out my Homepage!!! | | Proud to be a part of the ongoing saga | | | -AS RASSM TURNS- | http://www.auburn.edu/~laynecp | | | | | Finally over 300 posts!!! | (Under Construction!!!) | | | | | And too big a flirt for my own good!! | (-o-) | ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bring on the Critics!!! Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Subject: OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT II From: Rakelle Date: Fri, 11 Apr 1997 08:09:42 +0200 OK kids, here it is...Act II. THE OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT 2: TITLE: RASSM needs women! ----------------------------------------------------------- [INTERIOR: RASSM CITY AIRPORT. CLOSE IN ON AMARA AND A BUNCH OF WORSHIPPERS] AMARA: ...it'll only be a short while. MCMIKEY: But we wuw you, Amy! [MUSHY VIOLIN MUSIC] (They hug while a bunch of worshippers look on with mournful faces.) GRAY LEADER: We.. we'll miss you SO MUCH! (starts sobbing violently) [MUSHY MUSIC GETS LOUDER] (Amara waves as she disappears down the hallway. McMikey and Gray Leader cry on each other's shoulders) [MUSHY MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY. CUT TO VIEW OF RASSM CITY HALL] (A crowd of trolls are assembled outside the hall, marching around with signs and shouting) [CLOSEUP OF SOME SIGNS] (Signs read: Hi Mum, Star Wars sucks, What is ANH?, OB1 is a clone, etc...) [INTERIOR: RASSM TOWN HALL] (A bunch of the RASSM regulars are gathered around the windows) BYCER: I guess our artillery could deal with those... BAS-JAN: But the flamethrowers are too far away for a good demonstration. Can anybody see any AOL cables? (Barq chitters rejectedly) CHIEF RENDAR: Barq says there are too many of them! BYCER: Damn. If only Many were here... right Gert-- Gerthein??? Where'd he go? BAS-JAN: Apparently there was *another* ESB:SE screening he had to go to... [CLOSEUP OF RIMRUNNER AND PAULA] RIMRUNNER: Listen to that. PAULA: I don't think my salad shooter will work with this many... RIMRUNNER: Ahhh, these guys never heard of subtlety. Let's clean this up ourselves. [EXTERIOR: STREET] (The RASSM throng approaches and comes to an abrupt halt at the sight of the trolls. Cheese-curdling cries ring through the air as the two groups clash) (Amid the foray, Paula and Rimrunner are seen sneaking out of the town hall and running for a smaller building in an alley) [INTERIOR: BASEMENT] RIMRUNNER(shouting): Rakelle, get out of there!! (Rakelle looks up from her RASSM files with a frown) RAKELLE: What is it now? Can't you see I'm busy? These subtitles SUCK! And I have to straighten out all this name mess... Nobody can say mine right! And just look at these Dutch ones... RIMRUNNER: If you even *dream* of calling me Jen... RAKELLE: Hey, I think Genevieve's a good name! And I know how to say it too! PAULA: Not much partying down here I guess... seen any cute guys around? RAKELLE: Nah, Marvin the Android was here a little while, but he said I was too depressing... RIMRUNNER: OK, enough chatter; the trolls are in town! (Rakelle gets up from her stacks of papers, knocking over a particularly large one marked 'classified' in the process) RAKELLE: They are? PAULA: Yep, and the William and Mary guys are with them! RAKELLE(smirking evilly): Oh are they now... I believe we have *just* the thing for them back here... [EXTERIOR: OUTSIDE RASSM TOWN HALL] (RASSM throng is regrouping in a corner. Shadow has climbed up on a soapbox while the other W&M trolls loiter around below) (Rimrunner, Paula and Rakelle appear in the background. Paula is dragging somebody) SHADOW: ...and therefore, women have no place in society! They must go home and have our children! Ladies, only you can be mothers. (Indignant cries from RASSM throng) SHADOW: Shut up you freaks! You're all just queer pedifiles and FemiNazis! Star Wars Sucks! (Throng closes in on the trolls. Shinji climbs up beside Shadow) [BRIEF CLOSEUP OF BOOK IN SHINJI'S HANDS] (Shinji's book has Voltaire written on the cover. It's sealed in plastic) SHINJI: All he's doing is expressing his opinion. We have better things to do than having people bitch about stuff they don't understand. Don't quote Voltaire unless you mean it. We can call you faggots as much as we like. If you don't understand then leave town. You know I am right. It only makes you look stupid when you dissagree with no reasons. (Alex runs through the troll crowd, breathing shallowy and throwing a flaming torch at Shinji) ALEX: you're full of sh!t! take this you f!!ker! (the torch hits Shinji, who explodes) [AMAZING CGI EXPLOSION WITH PRAXIS RING] SHADOW: You freak! We won't stand for this! This is the day we fight back! This is our INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! [DRAMATIC PAUSE. MUSIC STOPS] (Half the RASSM throng turns green. Rimrunner and Rakelle look at each other, then burst out laughing) SHADOW: Take a chill pill you silly little women!!! RAKELLE(advancing slowly): My, how clever you are. Isn't W&M a wonderful place? SHADOW: Why don't you think before you post? You're too emotional! RIMRUNNER(also advancing): You don't want me to get real bitchy now do you... GERMAN TROLL: Who cares? This is the internet, littlelips! RIMRUNNER(smiling slightly): Lemme explain something to you, sweetheart. (Rimrunner throws one look at German Troll, who instantly undergoes spontaneous combustion) RIMRUNNER: See, I know what the Internet is. [WONDERFUL CGI FLAMES] RAKELLE: Shadow, I'd like you to meet somebody. (points to his right) (Paula has sneaked up behind him with Jim Finn, pointing her salad shooter at his back. Shadow looks surprised and somewhat alarmed) RAKELLE: Give him a hug, why don't you? SHADOW: I'm not one you you f!!!ing queers! JIM FINN: I said Star Wars sucks but I did not say you were homosexual. I would never say something like that. I am innocent. (Rakelle, Paula and Rimrunner exchange glances. Rakelle nods slightly to Paula) (Paula shoves Jim Finn towards Shadow) SHADOW: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*! (Jim Finn and Shadow annihilate on contact. Crowd of trolls is dispersed.) [FANTASTIC CGI EFFECTS OF EXPLOSION, FORCE WIND, GROUND RIPPING...] RIMRUNNER: So women aren't leaders? (turning towards town hall) Guys, you can come out now. (A dazed looking newbie makes his way through the throng) NEWBIE: You won't believe what I found! Give me 5 minutes of your time... [FADE TO BLACK] END ACT 2 -------------------------------------------------------------- Next episode will be titled "Send in the clownes" (deliberately spelled that way) and be written by Bas-Jan, who kindly volunteered for the task :) Rakelle Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Subject: OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT III From: "Bas-Jan Walewijk" Date: Sun, 13 Apr 1997 18:15:25 +0200 (So, here it finally is... a bit long, but that's just because of the meaningful relationships, character developments and psychological background which give it its, um, quality.) Twentieth Century Squirrel presents: THE OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE Act III: Send in the Clo(w)nes ----------------------------------------------- 1. A SUPER STAR DESTROYER. The massive spaceship slowly and kewly rumbles across the vastness of the unending black below, its imposing presence filling the full width of the screen as the terrifying mass of the looming object is slowly but surely revealed in all its terribly agonizing and excessively adjective-stricken largeness. PULL BACK TO REVEAL MAX pulling his model SSD across an asphalt driveway on a string. MAX: Vroomm.... vroommm... As we pull even further back, we notice it s a beautiful spring day in the surprisingly suburban suburbs of RASSM City. In the background, we can see white fences and a man riding a firetruck while waving to passers-by with a stupid smile on his face. 2. The CELLPHONE in MAX pocket starts beeping. An irritated look flashes across MAX face. He hesitates. Finally, he decides to answer his call: MAX: Silvestri speaking. This'd better be important. I'm supposed to be recovering here. VOICE OF PAULA (O.S.): I know you are, Max, but it looks like we ve got ourselves another crisis on our hands. MAX: What's up now? 3. INT. RASSM CITY MAYOR'S OFFICE. PAULA walks to the window, phone in hand, and worriedly glances outside. As she starts pacing, she resumes the conversation: PAULA: You d better come see for yourself. Right. Fifteen minutes max. No, "max", Max. Sure, good to have you on board again, kid. As is customary in movies, PAULA hangs up without saying goodbye. She slumps into her swivel chair and buries her head in her hands. 4. EXT. RASSM CITY MAIN STREET. Overhead shot of the very unthrongly masses which have assembled in front of City Hall and - it seems - everywhere else too. We slowly pan across the sullen legions of chanting people: they look happy, yet there is a disturbing emptiness in their eyes. All wear white t-shirts reading strange words like "bobbafet1234", "kling0n" and "wuukie666". In their hands are tambourins, which they beat in a Lando-like manner. Most remarkable of all, though, are the red noses they wear. (For dramatic effect, this scene should be shot in black and white. The noses can be computer-colored in later.) 5. EXT. A BIG NEON SIGN above the crowd. An unread newsflash scrolls by: ***!!!TWO HOURS LEFT 5:00 PM CST AUCTION GHOST BEN SE JEDI LUKE LIMITED EDITION!!!*** PAN DOWN TO: A LONE SPAMMER with a sad look on his face. He carries a sign: "GET RICH QUICK!", but no-one seems to want to flame him, not even Rich. Next to him an OFF-TOPIC NUT is pulling down his "END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH" banner. Behind both of them a billboard poster hangs in tatters; only barely legible are the words "...I HAVE *TONS* OF STAR WARS...". 6. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE. PAULA straightens up, then pushes a Beavis-shaped button on her desk. PAULA: Could you lot come in here for a moment? Thanks. 7. The doors open and BAS-JAN and RAKELLE walk in. They are two-thirds of the RASSM CITY CONTINENTAL CONTINGENT, a secretly funded and grossly overpaid do-nothing think-tank. RAKELLE: Gerthein will be a little late. He's stuck on the other side of the road, together with Scott "Chicken Little" Chitwood. PAULA: Whatever. Meanwhile, what do you two make of this? BAS-JAN: Haven't a clue. [shrugs, turns to RAKELLE] OK, hobby polyglot, your turn. 8. We follow RAKELLE to the window. She takes another hard look, then turns around and says: RAKELLE: Hmm... I am fluent in over six forms of communication, and these are not codes used by RASSM. I m afraid it s an AOL code. Almost unnoticed, Gerthein walks in. He's looking beat-up; a golf club is wrapped around his neck in reference to a thankfully cut subplot. GERTHEIN: Man, I hate clowns. BAS-JAN: Still, they don't seem to be doing anything... besides jamming our satellite communications with ridiculous prequel rumors, that is... CUT TO: 9. GERTHEIN. As he puts his Mac PowerBook on Paula's desk, he starts talking: GERTHEIN: That's what you think. Those jamming messages have been coded in ILLITERATE, cunningly masquerading as English. And they re slowing down. PAULA: Slowing down to what? GERTHEIN: No, I mean AOL is slowing down. The unlimited access thing, you know. Anyway, in just under two hours every sensible word in RASSM City will drown in low-bandwidth brain-destroying drivel. See, I have discovered the hidden message, and beneath that cheerful, clownish exterior, lies a devious plot between AOL and the now defunct FidoTech Corp. to connect every home in America to AOL's Usenet server... via... WebTV! Cue beat, so the audience can recoil in horror without missing the plot. 9. CU of RAKELLE's horrified face. RAKELLE: In other words... in 120 minutes every child, child and child in America will be discussing OB1 the clone... whether Boba Fett is gay... what RASSM means... slave Leia stories... CUT TO: 10. PAULA and the OTHERS. BAS-JAN: Looks like we need reinforcements on this. Where's Mikey's Sleaze Squad? PAULA (pushing Beavis button again): Rendar, see if you can find Gray and Mikey. They must be back from that Amara escort mission by now. VOICE OF DARK RENDAR (O.S.): I told them to be here. They should ve been back long since. Though I was wondering, can't we just have Barq cut the AOL cables? Like we did with... PAULA: That won t work, Rendar! Haven't you watched a sequels before, man? If something worked the first time around, you never try it again in the sequel. Instead, you take an unproven, crazy and possibly suicidal option. Besides, I thought Barq was captured? GERTHEIN: Well, only if you take Sith War III as canon, which it obviously isn't. Only on-screen evidence counts, for example when an asteroid is destroyed with one shot in... Out of a filing cabinet, a CG creature consisting of only a HUGE MOUTH and A FORKED TONGUE suddenly jumps towards the viewer like a Yuzzem on speed, shouting: CREATURE: Another Trekkie bites the dust! SEZ YO MAAAAMAAAA! Gerthein bashes Vi'Le-ATTitu'dio on the skull with his bent golf club, then returns to the meeting. 11. RAKELLE, standing by the window. RAKELLE: Wait a minute, guys. Looks like Max and Gray are in trouble. 12. EXT. RASSM CITY MAIN STREET. We see the AOL ers mindlessly trolling cables across the streets of RASSM City, slowly but surely completing the evil plan of their overlords. MAX en GRAY LEADER are stuck dead in the middle, surrounded by the lines on all sides - as though they were stuck in a spider s web. Meanwhile, some AOL ers mock them. 13. Close-ups of AOL ers: AOL'er 1: loosers why dont you talk swtarwrs not sex filthy mind on this bulletin board AOL'er 2: IAM MARKHAMMILLL!!!!!!! AOL'er 3: kewlto CYA here just like B4!!! 14. From MAX and GRAY s POV, we see the cables close in from all sides. GRAY LEADER: There's... too many of them! MAX (shameless over-acting): I can't hold them! 15. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE. RAKELLE closes the blinds and sadly turns away from the window. BAS-JAN (grim): Yes... those AOL ers never could wrap their lines... There's a knock on the door behind BAS-JAN, and he turns around to see an IMPERIAL STORMTROOPER enter the room. GERTHEIN (to Paula): Look, sir... Davin! 16. The STORMTROOPER removes her helmet and armor. It s RIMRUNNER. RIMRUNNER: Nope, just me. You won t believe the attention I got walking home from that photoshoot in those other clothes - damn leather. By the way, like the outfit? Bit too white for my taste, but I picked it up cheaply at an army dump store. Hey, ever tell y'all about the time I killed someone with my bare hands? PAULA: Cut the chatter, Rim, we've got ourselves a major problem here. Now, intelligence informs me that a small group of rogue AOL operatives have discovered the location of the AOL headquarters. Manny Bothanz died to bring us this information, so if we don't act upon it, we'll seem ungrateful to the dumb bastard. My plan was to drive through their lines, locate the AOL base and cut the clowns off from the control room. Rim, you got a car? No response. PAULA: Rim? 18. Extreme CU of RIMRUNNER - she's miles away... ...FADES INTO... 19. ...a STRANGELY SHOT FLASHBACK! In this flashback, a BLACK MERCEDES BENZ crashes through a storefront, going on to demolish the entire ground floor of a medium-sized shopping mall. The car goes total-loss, losing its custom license plate (TRN-GRL) and star ornament in the process. When the vehicle finally comes to a halt, an UNKNOWN PERSON wearing combat boots leaves the car and picks up the Mercedes star. 20. Suddenly, we re back in the Mayor s Office. PAULA and the OTHERS give RIMRUNNER a concerned look. RIMRUNNER: Naah. I ll just walk. [NOTE: In the interest of brevity, and because this is a non-binaries group, I ve decided to leave out some detailed storyboarding of twenty-five minutes of gratuitous car chases. Also cut is a dangerous stunt involving a white horse, a longhorn bull, two helicopters and a pair of rollerblades.] [..] 122. EXT. FIFTH AVENUE, NYC. Meanwhile, back with AMARA... she's strolling along Fifth Avenue with her mail-order acquisition from the Tennessee Tazer Co. (Ltd.) safely pocketed... 124. ...but just behind her, around the corner, MIKEY appears, stalking AMARA in a very conspicuous way. FADE OUT FOR "PRINCE XIXOR"'S COMMERCIAL BREAK 125. EXT. AOL HEADQUARTERS, SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO HELL. Arriving at the AOL headquarters, most of the RASSM'ers get out of their cars, or what's left of them. Rimrunner dismounts the horse and readies a bow and arrow. Some stray AOL lines can be seen squirming in the background - RAKELLE bravely fights off the assault of a sexually stilted line with a Norwegian light sword. PAULA: Where's Gerthein? BAS-JAN: Got sidetracked. Duggy trolled him. PAULA: Damn. Gerth was a good man. I hate to lose him. BAS-JAN: A death Mark is not an easy thing to live with. [NOTE: Another half-hour of violent shoot-outs has been cut here because they doesn'tcome across well on the small screen. Or so I ve been told.] [..] 267. INT. JOINT AOL / FIDOTECH CONTROL ROOM. Our Heroes approach the Terms Of Service master control panel. RAKELLE: Let s pull the plug on this scum. PAULA says a few things which can't be printed here, but for which she receives copious applause all the same. BAS-JAN moves his finger towards the big red button... and pushes... and... BAS-JAN: You re TOS't. 268. There is a blinding flash. Seconds later, a searing blast of radiation washes through the lines and the AOL'ers, blowing WebTV-linked television sets everywhere to smithereens and zapping the evil clowns with a massive bombardement of subatomic particles - they dissolve into numbered screen names. RIMRUNNER (Schwarzenegger accent): Happy mutant. TO BE CONTINUED... ...and since Max has already done an independent production in lurid Dave Fincher style , I designate *Dark Rendar* to write Act IV: "BARQING UP THE THRONG TREE". Bas-Jan -- My opinions are my employer's, not my own. -- "Context is strawberries." -- An Official RASSM Cool Person and Jedi Master. Beware imitations. Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Subject: "THE SPAM", another OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE From: gerthein@worldaccess.nl (Gerthein Boersma) Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 13:56:55 GMT Here's my RASSM MOVIE folks! It's a bit too long to be an "ACT" of the *Official* official movie, but it uses the same characters and setting; sort of like a spin-off. You'll be on the edge of your seat, folks, so start readin'! Oh, and don't be distracted by the HUGE capital LETTERS with which I tried to ENVOKE that SCREENPLAY feeling. And I hope the lay-out comes through okay... Enjoy! * * * WIDE - FIELD, RASSM CITYSCAPE IN DISTANCE - DAY The camera lingers on the SKYLINE OF RASSM CITY in the distance, but soon enough, as loud SQUISHING SOUNDS are heard, the view is totally obscured by a PINKISH BLOB. The BLOB moves fast in the direction of RASSM CITY, so we begin to see the CITY again as the BLOB distances itself from the camera. We see similar BLOBS approaching from other directions, as well as BLOBS following the one we first saw. Some BLOBS cling together to form a larger BLOB, all make disgusting SQUISHING SOUNDS as they move. (We will later learn that these blobs are made of the deadly material known as SPAM). As the camera pulls up and out, more and more BLOBS are revealed approaching RASSM CITY, and the SQUISHING SOUNDS grow LOUDER, forming an horrific RYTHMIC POUNDING, which immediatly stops as we. SHARPLY CUT TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE A FLASH ignites the screen, as two LIGHTSABERS, a pink one and a yellow one, clash. We pull out to reveal SITH WARRIOR TRORY and JEDI CHITWOOD engaged in a lightsaber match. We pull out further to reveal that this display is taking place on a TV-Screen. As the battle continues, the camera pans slightly up to reveal a VCR. On top of it rests a VIDEO-TAPE SLEAVE. The lettering on it reads "SITH WAR". TRORY (via TV-speakers): "You don't give up easily, do you, 'Chicken little'? TRORY makes CHICKEN SOUNDS as we see JEDI CHITWOOD grow increasingly angry. We pull back een further, to see DEPUTY-MAJOR GERTHEIN BOERSMA sitting in his comfy LEATHER CHAIR, eating popcorn and chuckling at the display on the screen. Behind the TV, we see a painting of RICH HANDLEY on the wall. GERTHEIN: Heheh! I can't get enough of these movies! JEDI CHITWOOD (via TV-speakers, swinging saber): Oh yeah? Well take this, TROY! Three people surround Gerthein in similar comfy chairs. They are GENERAL MAX SILVESTRI, COUNCILMEMBER PAULA and CHIEF RENDAR. Each is enjoying the display on the screen and munching popcorn. A fourth chair is empty. Suddenly, COUNCILMEMBER RIMRUNNER bursts through the office-door. RIMRUNNER (panting and shouting): Something terrible has happened! All three couch-patatoes snap to attention as they turn their heads toward RIMRUNNER. PAULA (in shock): Don't tell us the dreaded SPAM is attacking RASSM City?! RIMRUNNER: Worse: we're fresh out of popcorn! PAULA, MAX, RENDAR and GERTHEIN (in unison): OH NO!!!! CUT TO -- RASSM CITY STREETS -- WIDE SHOT There are many people on the streets, but they are walking steadily about and the streets aren't crowded. The camera lingers on a group of four people with blue shirts and crew cut hair (they are RASSM Policemen) and someone who is wearing dark blue, and has a more sophisticated hair-cut. As the camera pulls in, we recognize the dark-blue shirt as COMMISIONER BAS-JAN. CLOSE-UP of BAS-JAN BAS-JAN (to himself): Damn! Today is "Sith War watching day" at the city hall, and I have to patrol the city for suspicious activity in light of the all the recent bizarre incidents. RASSM POLICEMAN #2 (off): Look, sir! ..err.. SOMETHING! In one very artistic motion, the camera pans via BAS-JAN''S NOSE to R.P. #2's extended arm and INDEX FINGER to a long shot of the street, as we see what R.P. #2 is pointing at: a HUGE, APPROACHING BLOB, about 5 feet in diameter. Pulling closer to the BLOB, we see that it is annihilating everything in it's path: TRAFFIC LIGHTS, NEWSPAPER-STANDS, and many MAILBOXES, and we hear the horrible SQUISHING SOUNDS again as it does so. We see the BLOB grow with each item destroyed, and now people are scurrying out of its way, screaming loudly. As we pull further back, we see that the quiet street has turned into a chaotic mess of people running and screaming everywhere as they all notice the horrible BLOB. Only BAS-JAN and his team of POLICEMEN stand perfectly still. TO POV SHOT of THE BLOB: The SQUISHING, SOGGING SOUNDS become almost unbearable as we approach BAS-JAN & the 4 R.P.'s, each of which has a stunned look on their face. TO TIGHT SHOT of the action The BLOB and the STUNNED R.P's are mere FEET from each other now. Suddenly, RASSM POLICEMAN #3 springs to life, draws his BATON, jumps forward and proceeds to HIT the BLOB with the weapon. (At this cue, we also see the others draw their batons and taking position..). R.P.#3: Take this, you slime! CLOSE-UP of R.P. #3's HAND, as a PINKISH BLOB-TENTACLE of spam HITS the R.P.'s THUMB. Pull back to slightly WIDER SHOT The R.P. drops the BATON, pulls back his hand and lets out a short yelp of agony. The R.P.'s gaze and the Camera follow the BATON falling into the BLOB, and we clearly see the BATON being ASSIMILATED into SPAM and becoming part of the BLOB. The Camera pans back up to R.P. #3's face. We pull in for a.. CLOSE UP of R.P. #3's FACE, which is turning PINK, as GROWING CGI DOLLAR SIGNS ignite within his eyes. R.P. #3(estacticly): I'm going to be RICH! I'll have $50.000 bucks in THREE DAYS!! IT REALLY WORKS! CUT BACK TO TIGHT SHOT OF THE ACTION R.P. #3 starts DANCING toward the BLOB of SPAM. BAS-JAN: NOOO! DON'T... R.P. #3 dives HEAD-FIRST into the SPAM. We see the SMILING and CHEERING R.P. being ASSIMILATED by the BLOB as it grows to roughly TWICE its size. In this process, it ENGULFS R.P. #2, who was standing closest to it. R.P.#2 (screaming in ecstasy while being assimilated): YUMYUM! TASTY SEX MUFFINS, and the recepy is only ONE DOLLAR!! R.P. #1 and R.P. #4 drop their batons in awe, look at each other briefly, then, as one, both pull out their pistols and start FIRING a salvo of BULLETS at the BLOB... ...But the BULLETS simply bounce off the BLOB and RICOCHET back to the R.P.'s, hitting several vital organs. Screaming in agony, they fall to their feet and the BLOB engulfs their bodies. The camera follows one more bounced BULLET, which hits the metal plate with the HOUSE NUMBER of the BAR behind them (an ADDRESS PLAQUE if you will), which we follow DROPPING to the floor, then see an extreme CLOSE-UP of it. We then hear a CLANK as BAS-JAN's FOOT runs over the METAL PLAQUE. The previously frozen BAS-JAN, who has been watching the spectacle in awe, now high-tails it into the BAR and SLAMS the door shut behind him. TO POV of the BLOB: The view lingers on the place where the PLAQUE was, then TURNS as the confused BLOB, unable to identify the ADDRESS, moves further down the street. SHARPLY CUT TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE (We hear a THUMPING noise in the background). Close up: The RED PHONE starts to ring and GERTHEIN picks it up. GERTHEIN (to phone): I hope you have a good reason to disturb our "Sith... BAS-JAN (interrupting, off - through phone): HELP! The city is under attack.. again!! CUT TO: INT. RASSM BAR BAS-JAN is talking through an old-fashioned phone. In the background, we see many agitated people shaking in fear, some gulping down drinks to calm themselves. In fact, BAS-JAN himself is holding a full GLASS of PORT and BAS-JAN alternates taking a gulp from it with talking through the phone. BAS-JAN: It's the.. It's the the SPAM! CUT BACK TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE GERTHEIN(shouting): Oh NO! The others gather around GERTHEIN as he turns on the SPEAKER-option of the PHONE. CLOSE UP OF SPEAKER (The THUMPING noise in the background continues). BAS-JAN (through Speaker): I've lost the Blue shirts! All R.P.'s are R.I.P. We must.. (suddenly the line goes dead). GERTHEIN (shocked): Bas-Jan? BAS-JAN!! CUT BACK TO: INT. RASSM BAR BAS-JAN, getting drunk from the drinks, has dropped the phone. BAS-JAN: Oopsie.. CUT BACK TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE GERTHEIN has hung up the phone and turns to face the others present (MAX, RIMRUNNER, PAULA and DARK RENDAR). GERTHEIN: We may have lost Bas-Jan to..(dramatic pause) the SPAM! The others recoil in horror! (We still hear the THUMPING). GERTHEIN: That's right: the commercially driven substance that is as horrific as it is useless. It annihilates everything in his path, and causes it's prey to..to SPAM itself.. RIMRUNNER: I hate the Spam! (dramatically) It killed my family.. (less dramatically) And it has no nutricianal value either! What are our options? PAULA: There may be a solution.. PAULA moves closer to GERTHEIN and whispers something in his ear. GERTHEIN's grimaces in horror. MAX (softly to RENDAR, grinning): She's talking dirty to him again.. GERTHEIN: No, we *must* have other options.. MAX walks to the window. MAX (as if reading from a cue-card): Oh, I don't know what this Spam-stuff is that supposedly killed Bas-Jan, but it's far too beautiful a day to keep the windows closed! CHIEF RENDAR (shouting to Max in panic): Max! NO! MAX opens the window, and immediatly a BLOB of SPAM, about three feet in diameter, pours through! MAX just manages to DODGE it as it lunges for him. (We still hear the THUMPING). RIMRUNNER (grimly determined): I'll deal with it, I know the type! RIMRUNNER immediatly draws her AK-47 and inserts a cartridge of AMMO in it. A brief EXTREME CLOSE-UP of the cartridge shows that all bullets are engraved with the words "UNSUBSCRIBE" or "REMOVE". RIMRUNNER fires a salvo of bullets into the BLOB of SPAM, which with a nice CGI-effect explodes into dozens of pieces which all fall out of the open window. The four RASSMers rush to the window and two stories below they see the little BLOBS all fall into a HUGE BLOB that has FILLED the street below that stretches on beyond the horizon: the SPAM has expanded incredibly! A new BLOB splits off and heads up slowly toward the window. CHIEF RENDAR quickly closes the window and the blinds, and all back away from it. MAX: Thanks Rim, that was quick thinking.. for a woman! (Max is a rugged, old-fashioned -- yes, even clichéd Army General that has some prejudice against women at this point.) GERTHEIN (angrily to MAX): Unlike YOU! Opening the window, what *were* you... We hear the THUMPING again, and this time, GERTHEIN is interrupted by it. It is a knock on the door, and GERTHEIN opens it. CHRIS LAYNE and GRAY LEADER come falling through the door. CHRIS (getting up from the floor): Finally you let us in! The City is under attack!! Huge blobs of SPAM! GERTHEIN peeks through the door, into the huge CITY HALL that is through it and below. It is filled with screaming and shaking people, and all that can be seen through the windows is PINKNESS. We see the RASSM CITY HALL clearly now for the first time in this film: the Major's Office Door is raised about 15 feet above the huge hall's floor, a steep staircase leading up to a wooden balcony of about 6 by 12 feet that is before the office door. GRAY LEADER (to Gerthein): We've got to do something! Everyone has fled indoors as the Spam engulfs the streets, but it keeps on growing stronger! Pretty soon, it'll burst through the doors and windows! (As GRAY says this, we see black-and-white images of what he is talking about: SPAM-BLOBS filling the streets, people fleeing indoors in agony, and the BLOBS pounding the windows. We also see more and more BLOBS cling together to form the HUGE BLOB that we saw filling the streets earlier). RIMRUNNER (solemnly): When the SPAM attacked my people, we eventually managed to defeat them. CHRIS, GERTHEIN, MAX, RENDAR and PAULA (in unison): HOW?! RIMRUNNER: We changed all our addresses. Took the plaques off of our mailboxes, and the numbers of our houses. The confused Spam eventually moved along. There is a dramatic silence. Finally, MAX breaks it. MAX: Typical plan for a woman! It would never work! Suddenly, BAS-JAN comes running into the office. BAS-JAN: Phew! I made it! Guys, I have the sollution. I saw it happen when I entered the bar.. The Spam couldn't find me there, so: *we must change the addresses*! GERTHEIN: You're alive! MAX (cheering): Excellent idea! Let's do it! RIMRUNNER (royally pissed off by the fact that MAX takes a tired, drunk commissioner's word over that of an experienced Councilmember that just saved his butt, but surpressing it for the duration of the emergency -- NOTE: this attitude requires incredible acting talent to convey.. I'm thinking Uma Thurman here... but I digress): But how? We can't go out there and manually change them all! Suddenly, MAX snaps his fingers in realisation and pops out a portable computer. MAX: I've got it! If I use my military-issue Power Max(tm) to log on to the RASSM Post-office and change all addresses in the Main Postal Computer, that may do the trick! GERTHEIN: Hmmm.. very Independence Day-style Silver-bullet-esque... I like it! Do it, General! Everyone gathers around MAX as he turns on his computer and is greated by a soothing female voice. POWERMAX: Good Morning, Max. How about a game of Ski Free (tm)? MAX (surpressing an urge to say yes): Uhm.. no..not now. I need to break into the RASSM Post-Office Computer. POWERMAX: Suit yourself... CLOSE-UP of COMPUTER, as it shows a beautiful CGI image of the Post-office, with the various computer terminals that it contains super-imposed over it. We slightly pan-out as, in typical movie-fashion, MAX begins rattling away frantically on the keyboard despite the fact that the interface on the screen is clearly mouse-driven. MAX (stopping): I need the password, deputy-major! GERTHEIN: It's "ENFFZ". MAX enters it, and in typical HUGE FLASHING LETTERS we see ACCESS GRANTED appear on the screen. MAX (smiling): Changing addresses... MAX: Done! The group moves to the window, and sees the BLOB below immediatly parting, splitting up in smaller BLOBS that all swirl around in confusion, finally heading off into the horizon. GERTHEIN peeks through the door again, and LIGHT begins to pour through the CITY HALL's windows. The crowd cheers! MAX (looking in the camera, holding up the portable): The Power to Save The City. The group in the MAJOR'S OFFICE begins to cheer and hug each other (people have to continually cut-in on PAULA who otherwise won't let go of the person she's hugging). Even RIMRUNNER and MAX exchange hugs despite their previous differences (audiences should go "Aaaah...how sweet!" here). GERTHEIN: Rimrunner, you seem less cheery than the others... what's wrong? We won! CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER's face RIMRUNNER (grimly): It'll be back... FADE TO BLACK *** FADE-IN TO RASSM CITY-HALL There is a party going on in the City Hall. Every RASSM Citizen is present. GERTHEIN, BAS-JAN, CHIEF RENDAR, MAX and RAKELLE (who has just arrived in town) are looking at the spectacle from the high balcony that is in front of the MAJOR'S OFFICE door. MAX and BAS-JAN are waving to the crowd as they occasionally yell their names, for they are the current heroes. Most of the applause, however, is directed at the BAND that is present: Murder of Crows. RIMRUNNER and her band-members, among which a TALL, SCARY-LOOKING BASS PLAYER, and a smaller guy named ASTERISK, are playing all their best rock-tunes and the RASSM Throng is moving to the music frantically. BASS-PLAYER: Thank you! Thank you! Our next song is our latest single. It's called "I got 2000 requests for a picture of the drummer in leather pants in my in-box today, oh yeah.". (to band) Hit it! Almost on cue, the huge DOUBLE DOORS of RASSM City Hall swing open and a huge BLOB of SPAM starts pouring in! The Throng screams in anguish as many are engulfed by the pink substance. Among cries of "Yes! More SEX MUFFINS!", "Windshieldwipers are COOL!" and "This is a UNIQUE BUSINESS OPPURTUNITY!", many innocent RASSMers fall victim to the horrible substance. The SQUISHING SOUNDS also return in full force. The Camera pans across the horror-stricken faces of the RASSMers on the balcony to the determined face of RIMRUNNER. RIMRUNNER(grimly): It's back. PAN OUT TO WIDER SHOT The Band is standing on a raised STAGE, so the BLOB of SPAM hasn't reached them yet, but it is advancing. A few RASSMers, among whom CHRIS LAYNE, GRAY LEADER, PAULA and BRIAN LINDER, have managed to climb up the stage and are among the few survivors of the onslaught. But the BLOB is still growing, and threatens to engulf the stage. CLOSE-UP OF BRIAN: BRIAN LINDER (whipping out a portable camera and microphone): This is news-hound Brian Linder for WWGN, The eight o'clock Cool news! RASSM City Hall is being assaulted by the SPAM! This is.. AAARGH! TO WIDE SHOT: The BLOB of SPAM has begun engulfing the STAGE and poor Brian is it's first victim. He is starting to be ASSIMILATED with a disgustingly SLIMY sound. TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP of BRIAN LINDER: BRIAN (CGI HEARTS forming in his eyes): YES! I need not L@@K any further! The LIVE SINGLES PARTY LINE is the place for me! Who cares that I have a girlfriend! It's KEWL, man! As BRIAN is further assimilated by the PINK SLIME, the camera pans to the small group of six survivors on stage: RIMRUNNER, the BASS PLAYER, band member ASTERISK, PAULA, GRAY and CHRIS. They are looking at BRIAN's demise in horror and disgust. RIMRUNNER isn't waisting any time. Under a rythmic version of the "Theme of MacGyver", she is bending her fiberglass drumsticks together to form some sort of bent cross. The BASS-PLAYER opens his GUITAR CASE and gets out his SPARE SNARES and starts tying them together. Meanwhile, ASTERISK is quivering with fear. The SQUISHING SOUNDS get louder. ASTERISK: *We* *Must* *Do* *Something*!!! GRAY and CHRIS see the BLOB approaching, and the camera swirls to show what they see: It has finished assimilating BRIAN and, despite the fact that we saw it move at breakneck pace during the opening scenes of the movie, it now approaches the survivors incredibly slowly. CHRIS: Hurry, guys! It's *coming*! PAULA: Coming? Must be those Sex Muffi.. um.. sorry, my dirty mind again.. ZIP PAN to the BASS PLAYER and RIMRUNNER. The BASS PLAYER is tying his long line of spare snares to RIM's bent drumsticks to form a GRAPPLING HOOK. RIMRUNNER takes the hook as the BASS PLAYER grabs her waist. RIMRUNNER: Guys! Grab hold of me! CLOSE-UP: GRAY and CHRIS looking at each other. BOTH: With PLEASURE! GRAY and CHRIS nearly fall over themselves to reach RIMRUNNER. PAULA grabs tight hold of the BASS PLAYER and the quivering ASTERISK tighly grips PAULA in turn. Both GRAY and CHRIS grab hold of RIMRUNNER but a stern look of the TALL SCARY BASS PLAYER dissuades them from grabbing anything other than a leg and an arm respectively. RIMRUNNER (appreciative, to Bass Player): Nice to have someone around who can loom! POV of the BLOB of SPAM: We hear the SPQUISHING SOUNDS grow louder as we see RIMRUNNER swirl around her HOOK with the BALL of PEOPLE wrapped around her. Then, RIM throws the hook. We ZIP PAN to where the hook goes: the BALCONY, from where the group of RASSM regulars has been safely watching the spectacle. Unfortunatly, it just FALLS SHORT of the BALCONY. RAKELLE thinks quickly and DIVES OFF the BALCONY after the HOOK, grabbing it firmly with both hands. CHIEF RENDAR, in turn thinking quickly, grabs RAKELLE'S LEGS before she falls down into the blob-ness below. GERTHEIN: Good move Rendar, that was quick thinking! RENDAR (grinning, whispering to Gerthein): Hey, anything to look up her skirt! We ZIP BACK to RIMRUNNER and co. who are getting ready to SWING to the BALCONY, the BLOB still approaching. CHRIS promptly KISSES RIMRUNNER WITH PASSION ON THE MOUTH. RIMRUNNER is startled by this move, and she doesn't seem to like it much. CHRIS (grinning): For luck! RIMRUNNER: Syeah... right! TO SLIGHTLY WIDER SHOT: The BALL of PEOPLE swings away from the stage and towards the BALCONY just as the SPAM BLOB makes a dive for their position. With a disgusting *SQUASH!*, the piece of BLOB that made the dive-attack falls hard on the stage. We follow the swinging team as RIMRUNNER and the others near the BALCONY and are helped up by the people on the BALCONY. PAN TO a SHOT from the action from above: Below, we see the floor filled with blobness. The SPAM is gathering tighter together, slowly forming a COLUMN of SPAM and reaching for the RASSMers that are still dangling from the BALCONY. CLOSE UP of the TOP of the SPAM COLUMN: The last (bare) FOOT of a person not yet on the BALCONY, band member ASTERISK, still dangels close to the BLOB. RAKELLE, who now stands on the balcony, is frantically pulling ASTERISK up by his arm. ASTERISKS other hand holds on to the railing of the BALCONY. As we slightly pan out, we see the ASTERISK nervously looking down at the approaching pilar. ASTERISK(shouting to RAKELLE): *Hurry!* *Help* *Pull* *me* *up*!! But a BLOB like tentacle of SPAM springs forth from the COLUMN and GRABS ASTERISK'S FOOT! In a SHOT FROM ABOVE we see ASTERISK rapidly turning PINK, letting go of RAKELLE and the BALCONY and rapidly falling downwards, grinning. ASTERISK: *This Chainletter will bring me LUCK! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHH!!!* With a disgusting SPLASH, ASTERISK falls into the LOWER PORTION of the COLUMN of SPAM. From above, we pull in closer as the SPAM stirs for a moment, then violently SPITS OUT a HUMAN SKULL. The camera follows the SKULL as it lands in RIMRUNNER's hands. TO CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER RIMRUNNER: (dramatically) Alas, poor *, I knew him well. Panning down, the BLOB of SPAM starts to GROW with the absorbtion of this latest victim, and now, the SPAM-tenctacle just reaches the wooden BALCONY itself and starts ripping it from it's seams! We pull in close to the place where the BALCONY is fastened to the WALL: The WOOD groans as the BALCONY is slowly torn from the wall! The CROWD, SHAKING with the balcony, screams in agony! GERTHEIN (opening the door to the office): Cut the Shakespear, Rim! Inside, all of you! BAS-JAN, RENDAR, PAULA and GRAY run into the office first. When the wooden balcony starts to fall, RIMRUNNER, GERTHEIN, CHRIS and RAKELLE dive manage to dive in one after another. The BASS PLAYER, however, falls short and just manages to grab the DOORSTEP. The SPAM tentacle grabs him, and in a SHOT from ABOVE, the crowd sees him turn PINK as DOLLOR SIGNS form in his eyes. Everyone put CHRIS recoils in horror. CHRIS grins. CHRIS (sarcastically, looking down at the BASS-PLAYER): Ain't no-one gonna stop me from having a shot at Gen now! TO POV of CHRIS: Suddenly, the BASS PLAYER starts chuckling horrifically. BASS PLAYER (chuckling, to Chris): Won't you join my CHAIN-LETTER?! Suddenly, the BASS PLAYER'S arms (which are already starting to look slimy) grab a screaming CHRIS by the legs, and he pulls him out of the DOORWAY to his doom below! ZIP PAN TO INSIDE of RASSM MAYOR'S OFFICE RIMRUNNER slams the door shut. CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER RIMRUNNER (wryly): He shouldn't have called me Gen. WIDE SHOT at the RASSMers.. we hear THUMPING and see the door shake, as the BLOB (with the added tallness of the BASS PLAYER now able to reach the DOOR) tries to slam it open again. GERTHEIN (trying to get ahold of himself): It's a good thing that's an oak door. Oak is nice.. RAKELLE (in desperation): What do we do now?! BAS-JAN wastes no time: he picks up the phone and starts dialing rapidly. BAS-JAN (to Gerthein): With all due respect, I think we need the *real* major now! (through phone) Yes, I need to speak to Mayor Handley, Rich Handley! (disappointed:) Whaddaya mean "he can't come to the phone because his wife is giving birth"?! Pathetic excuses! Look, this is important! We need him! GET RICH QUICK! GRAY (shocked): Get Rich quick? Commisioner Bas-Jan! You're starting to sound just like.. the Spam! BAS-JAN (suddenly stunned, horror on his face, quietly hanging up the phone): Oh no! We must move fast! Another powerful THUMP is heard at the door. The crowd turns their head toward it silently.. paralyzed by fear. Suddenly, PAULA rips the painting of RICH HANDLEY from the wall to reveal a SAFE. This ellicits SHOCKED LOOKS from both GERTHEIN and CHIEF RENDAR. But PAULA just nods slowly. GERTHEIN: NO! It's too dangerous! RENDAR: We *can't* use.. (dramatic pause).. The Device! PAULA (determined): You know it's the only way! RIMRUNNER (suddenly aware of what PAULA is hinting at; totally out-of-character): No, we can.. we can run away! Run away instead! Run away, Luke! Yeah, that's it! RAKELLE, BAS-JAN, MAX and GRAY (as one, to Paula): Would you mind telling us what you're talking about? Another THUMP is heard. Looking at the door, GERTHEIN sighs. GERTHEIN: We have no other choice. Paula, open the safe. Chief, clue the others in on what's in it. CHIEF RENDAR takes a deep breath, then starts wiggling his hands in typical "Wayne's World"-flashback fashion. RENDAR: Wudlywudlywudlywudly! We dissolve into a black-and-white image of a man in a white coat with a huge hunchback, obviously a scientist of some sort, tinkering away at a mysterious black box, aboy 5 by 5 by 5 inch. RENDAR (in voice over): Not too long ago, this city was overrun by a crimewave. In the chaos that followed the split-up of the bulging huge RASS-City into three new ones, -- of which RASSM-City was the largest -- software-pirates, trolls and other vermin rose to new heights. In desperation, Mayor Handley approached Professor Plot, a devout Trekkie but a brilliant scientist, to create someting to rid the city of these enemies. RENDAR (con'td in v-o): So, he created a device that did just that: rid us of all the horrid people that plagued the city. We cut to a black and white, vague image of the same box transforming (with beautiful CGI morphing) into what appear to be two huge black grabbing hands. They fly across the screen and grab all sorts of strange folk -- trolls, AOLers, etc.-- and tossing them far away. RENDAR (in v-o): But the device did more: it solved our housing problem.. We see the Box morph into a black hammer, and slam polls into the ground, with a sign saying "New REAL-ESTATE in 1995" in the background. RENDAR (in v-o): Our education-problem... We see the same hammer slug more polls into the ground, with a sign saying "RASSM City Newbie FAQ School: April 1996" in the background. RENDAR (in v-o): And my concentration-problem. We see RENDAR with a watering can, watering plants, humming, gazing off, not realizing that he is watering his shoes now. The black hammer floats back on screen, hitting RENDAR hard on the head. RENDAR (in v-o): But there was one downside to all this: without any problems, RASSM City became an incredibly boring place, especially since the hammer also dared slam anyone who complained about Ewoks or dared discuss any demerits of any movie (especially ones that start with "STAR"). Because of this boredom, many RASSMers, among whom the Mayor himself, left the city in search of more exciting things to do. So, we confronted Prof. Plot with this.. We see RENDAR, PAULA and GERTHEIN standing in a room with the hunchbacked PROFESSOR PLOT. PLOT is talking frantically, waving his arms about to emphasize the points he is making. RENDAR (in v-o): But the professor simply told us to move on to doing other useful things with our time, such as metaphorically discussing more important things such as substance abuse, discrimination, the pressure of career-making and more such items normally found in... (dramatic pause).. STAR TREK EPISODES!! (pauses to sigh deeply). We then realized that Plot was not only a Trekkie, he was a... Star Wars Hater... as well. So, I did the only humane thing.. We see RENDAR pull out a bazooka and blowing PLOT's head off. RENDAR (in v-o): We then captured the Device.. We see RIMRUNNER eying the black box from behind a bush, then firing a Net-thrower at it. RENDAR (in v-o): And locked it in the safe.. We see a POV shot from the box as it lies in the safe, looking at the safe-dooropening as it slowly closes, leaving nothing but blackness... FADE back IN to the (colored) here-and now, to a CLOSE-UP of RENDAR's FACE. RENDAR: And that's the story... So we can use the device against the Spam, but we'd risk a new period of RASSM Boredom. (we hear another THUMP in the background). However, (dramatically), we have no choice... GERTHEIN: Syeah and besides, it's gonna be pretty boring here anyway, what with everyone being dead and all... RAKELLE, BAS-JAN and GRAY stare at RENDAR in awe. MAX, however, has fallen asleep. ZIP-PAN to PAULA OPENING the SAFE. PAUL (exhausted): Finally! 1-2-3-4-5 is a hard combination to remember! Everyone but MAX, who is still sleeping, huddles around the safe. We see the door swing open, and we push in on a familiar Black Box that lies in it, but now that we can see it more clearly, we see it contains a gold FEDERATION LOGO as well. GERTHEIN (off, dramatically): Ladies and gentlemen:... the PLOT-DEVICE. We ZIP-PAN to the DOOR as, suddenly, the it totally BURNS away, and the SPAM pours in, engulfing MAX first. The others turn to the SPAM in horror. MAX (waking up): Huh? YES! FREE PILLOW CASE if I order a totally useless item, NOW! (suffocating, drowning in the slime) GURGLE...! As MAX disappears under the SPAM, RIMRUNNER grabs the BLACK BOX from the safe and backs away from the PINK SUBSTANCE. GERTHEIN, BAS-JAN, PAULA, RAKELLE and GRAY foolishly step up to face the SLIMY BLOB that approaches. From the POV of the BLOB, we see GERTHEIN, BAS-JAN, PAULA, GRAY and RAKELLE scream in horror as they are ENGULFED by PINKNESS. RIMRUNNER jumps up on one of the comfy LEADER CHAIRS in the room., as we see in a WIDE SHOT that the BLOB rapidly covers the ENTIRE FLOOR of the office. As the other CHAIRS and furnature immediatly SINK into the SPAM, the CHAIR that RIM is on just wobbles as it now FLOATS on a SEA of SPAM, *slowly* SINKING in it. In a WIDE SHOT, we see SPAM TENTACLES rise up from the SEA and slowly approach the CHAIR. RIMRUNNER repeatedly hits the BOX with her fist: RIMRUNNER (getting desperate; to box): Hear me baby? Help me out here! CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER as she BLOWS the dust off the device. With a CGI-lens flare effect, we now see the STAR TREK LOGO glimmer. All the dust, however, makes RIMRUNNER go into a COUGHING FIT. RIMRUNNER: Damn! And I thought cat-hairs were bad! Coughing, she drops the box, which the camera follows, onto the CHAIR SEAT. It starts to slip off, but as it tips over the side, RIMRUNNERS hands just manage to grab it. It partly dips into the slime, however, causing the GOLD LOGO to BURN OFF. Suddenly, we see the BOX morph beautifully into a huge JET-BLACK VACUUM-CLEANER in RIMRUNNER's hands. We slightly pan out as RIMRUNNER stands up to full stature (even though she's a tad on the short side), wielding the DEVICE, in its new form, with Schwartzeneggerian style. WIDE SHOT of the WOBBLY FLOATING LEATHER CHAIR in the office's SEA of SPAM with a solitary FEMALE figure on it wielding a humunguos black VACUUM-CLEANER: the *visual*! RIMRUNNER (to herself, looking at the Vacuum-cleaner): It's like I always say: Good guys wear black! CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER's finger as she flicks the black ON/OFF switch. We pull back and see RIM recoil under the enormous sucking power she has unleashed. RIMRUNNER (one-liner-esque): You're PLONKED, pal! In a WIDE SHOT, the SPAM SEA is totally SUCKED IN by the VACUUM CLEANER. We see the ground CLEAN UP; The BAG keeps on growing as RIMRUNNER can now step down on the ground. With the SPAM still flying into the VACUUM, RIM slowly walks to the DOOR-OPENING to suck up the SPAM COLUMN rising up from the CITY-HALL and into the office. WIDE SHOT FROM ABOVE The VAC, wielded by RIMRUNNER, continues to SUCK UP the SPAM. Soon, the HALL is empty, but SPAM still streams in through the huge DOUBLE DOORS. Finally, it stops flowing in as RIMRUNNER has sucked up all the SPAM, but not before the BAG has reached a incredible size. As RIMRUNNER hangs the VACUUM CLEANER out of the doorway, we see that it fills half of the CITY HALL. Under the weight, RIMRUNNER looses her balance and falls from the office doorway into the CITY HALL below. RIMRUNNER (falling; grinning): That SUCKED! As RIMRUNNER falls, the VACUUM-CLEANER BAG suddenly EXPLODES VIOLENTLY, and ALL RASSMers that have been eaten by the SPAM pop out, falling to the ground. The camera zips past the falling crowds, and we recognize GERTHEIN, GRAY LEADER, MAX, PAULA, the BAND MEMBERS, BAS-JAN, CHIEF RENDAR, CHRIS LAYNE and RAKELLE, among others. We also see BRIAN LINDER, who pops out a microphone as the camera lingers on him. BRIAN (to audience): Well folks, looks like Resident RASSM Bitch-Goddess Rimrunner has *saved the day* again! This is newshound Brian Linder, signing out! In a WIDE SHOT from above, we see ALL FALLING RASSMERS whip out different colored UMBRELLAS to float down safely. The beautiful rainbow colors look fantastic from here, and we hear the RASSMers CHEER WILDLY. Far from RIMRUNNER, MAX, CHRIS, RENDAR, PAULA, BAS-JAN and RAKELLE floating about. MAX (shouting to RIMRUNNER): I'll never see women as stupid ever again!! CHRIS (shouting to RIMRUNNER): I'll never see women as pieces of meat that are only good to..um.. *flirt* with. RENDAR (shouting to RIMRUNNER): And I'll never look up their dresses again! (to himself) Well... maybe... PAULA: And I'll stop talking dirty.. though God knows why! BAS-JAN: And I'll stay off the booze! (dramatically, in camera:) Drinking isn't the answer! RAKELLE: And I'll take my job as Council Member more seriously now, and not just come to the parties.. Heck, I'm not a party-person anyway! (beat) Hey, waitaminute! Rendar, did you look up my skirt?! RAKELLE hits CHIEF RENDAR hard with her umbrella. We cut to GERTHEIN, wielding a hot pink umbrella in his right hand, who floats up to RIMRUNNER, who holds (of course) a black one in her left hand. GERTHEIN: Ah, what a patheticly and unrealisticly happy yet strangely satisfying ending: The SPAM is destroyed, all RASSMers are back alive, several RASSMers have learned valueable lessons, and the Plot-Device is destroyed so we needn't fear a new period of boredom! Thank you, Rimrunner, and congratulations! RIMRUNNER extends her right hand to accept the congratulations. GERTHEIN lets go of his UMBRELLA to shake her hand with his right, promply falling down rapidly, screaming. The camera holds on RIMRUNNER as this clichéd slapstick sequence continues: we hear GERTHEIN's scream eb away, and RIMRUNNER blinks as we hear a THUD. CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER RIMRUNNER (to audience): That's going to leave a mark... As RIMRUNNER throws the audience a very CHEESY WINK, we FADE TO BLACK. ROLL END CREDITS - Gerthein ----------------------- gerthein@worldaccess.nl ----------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Subject: INDEPENDENT RASSM MOVIE: THE MADNESS OF JAMES KING From: lonewolf@mdc.net (Max Silvestri) Date: Fri, 11 Apr 1997 15:42:35 GMT Well, it was the year of the independent film at the Oscars, so here’s mine. INDEPENDENT RASSM MOVIE: THE MADNESS OF JAMES KING ___________________________________________________________ [EXT. RASSM CITYSCAPE - NIGHT] The camera pans through the hubbub of RASSM City. It is a vibrant city, alive with the dwellers of the night. The sounds of metropolis night life can be heard, with the honking of taxi cabs, screams of innocent victims, and the pain a big city produces. The camera moves up to a still shot of the full moon, to which it fades to [INT. DANCE CLUB] The club floor is moving with hundreds of people, all vibrating to heavy bass beat of the piece being played on the heavy speakers. The lights above give a bluish hue to everything they touch, which is most everything in the club. Twenty-somethings shift throughout each other, arms held above their heads gripping drinks for prospective dates. But the cups are not held level, as the crowd moves up and down, thumping to beat of the latest techno sound. The camera moves to 2 men (BAS-JAN and GERTHEIN) who are propped up against the wall of the club, scoping out the scene, drinking, and moving. BAS-JAN: See that one over there? Bas-Jan points to an imaginary spot in the crowd. Gerthein’s eyes follows Bas-Jan’s finger’s lead. BAS-JAN: In the bag. GERTHEIN: (laughing) Forget about it! The camera then moves to the bow of the club, to the raised station of RICH, the DJ. Headphones are on his ears, and he is looking at the various collections of CDs are the table in front of him. PAULA moves through the crowd, and makes her way to the table. It is loud, and hard to hear. PAULA: (screaming) Do you have the newest Murder of Crows? RICH: What? PAULA: (enunciating) Do.. you… have… the.. newest… Murder of Crows? RICH: (laughing) Sorry, lady. That’s not dance… [EXT. CLUB FRONT] A crowd lined up around the building and anxious. They are waiting to get in. A large neon sign across the building reads "THE VOLCANO". A large, bald thug mans the door. The camera then pans down the street, to a darkened apartment building. It moves up to a 3rd story window. [INT. DARKENED APARTMENT] It is a small, square room, nearly devoid of furniture except for an old, beaten computer and an even older television set. The room is dirty, and it is obvious to the viewer that it has not been cleaned in months. In the middle of the apartment sits JAMES KING on a chair. He is an older gentleman, probably in his 40s, and his looking very disheveled. His hair is mussed and there are bags around his eyes. His fingers are rubbing his temples voraciously. *THUMP* KING screams at the heavy beat, and grips his head harder. He runs to his window, and views the club just down the street from him. The music emanating from the building can be heard in the air. *THUMP* KING screams again, this time much louder and much more disturbed. The thumping in his head is interrupted by a knock at the apartment door. He swivels around, and looks at the beaten door. SUPER: Yo, King! This is your supe, Casey Stevenson. Open up. We gotta talk! KING ignores STEVENSON’S call, and drops into a fetal position in the corner, nearly crying. [INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY] The camera takes of close-up of STEVENSON. He is a balding man, and he is wearing a navy blue shirt with the tag "Apartment Owners, Limited" on the right breast. He knocks once more. SUPER: Come on, King. Open up! The tenants are getting angry You have got to stop screaming so late at night. Again, STEVENSON’S call gains no reply. He storms off muttering to himself. [INT. DARKENED APARTMENT] KING sits up from his position in the corner. *THUMP* He screams once more, and takes another look outside his window. The music from the club is blaring in the night air. KING runs to his computer, and reaches behind it. There is a six-shot revolver, loaded. KING’S shaking hands grip it tightly, and he sticks it behind him into his pants. He grabs a coat and exits through the door.. *THUMP* Another screams rips through the RASSM City Night. [EXT. CLUB FRONT] The line to get into THE VOLCANO still wraps around the building. The THUG is still guarding the entrance. KING comes running down the street and dashes towards the clubs entrance. The THUG grabs him tightly, preventing him from entering. KING: (madly) Let me go! I’ve got to get in! The music is making me crazy! Let go of me!! THUG: Sure it is, buddy. Now why don’t you wait in line like the rest of the nice people. To which KING reaches behind and pulls the gun out. He shoves it into the THUG’S chin. The THUG immediately lets him go, scared. KING dashes through the entrance. THUG: Damnit! Somebody call the police, now! [INT. DANCE CLUB] KING struggles to make his way through the crowds of people. He is not used to being so cramped, and he is nervous and scared. *THUMP* KING gasps and grabs his head tightly. It hurts even greater now that he is so close to the music. His squinted eyes dart around the club, but it is hard to see in the bluish light. But the DJ table sticks out, and he starts to move towards that. The camera moves to RICH, who is still moving to the music, enjoying himself and his job. He looks over his CDs, and plans his next choices. RICH looks through the crowd, and notices KING moving towards the table. KING gets closer. RICH: (yelling over the loud music) Can I help you buddy? KING seems to ignore RICH, and continues moving closer to RICH. KING removes the gun again and jumps up the raised level of the table. He points the gun at RICH and grabs his shirt by the collar and throws him to the dance floor. KING jumps down beside him and raises the gun into the air. He shoots, and the crowd quiets, though the music is still loud in the background. *THUMP* KING winces and grabs his head, but regains his composure quickly. KING: (yelling over the music) Everybody listen up! Every damn night you blast this god awful crap you call music, and I’m going frigging crazy! My head going to f**king explode! I want this music off now! [EXT. CLUB FRONT] Police cars skid to a stop in front of THE VOLCANO. They remove their weapons from their holsters and proceed towards the club entrance. CHIEF: All right, men. Let’s move in. There are a lot of people in there, and we don’t want any messy situations. Proceed with extreme caution! The officers file into the club. WATSON, a photographer for the RASSM City Globe doing a piece on club life, sees his chance and slips in behinds the officers. [INT. DANCE CLUB] The club’s crowd has formed a large circle, leaving much open space around KING and his hostage, RICH. *THUMP* KING screams loudly, scaring the club-goers even more. Rich is sweating heavily, scared for his life. In the back of the club, officers file around, not yet making themselves known to KING. *THUMP* On the wall of the club, BAS-JAN steps forward. BAS-JAN: Hey, man. Let’s take it easy. We’re sorry the music hurts your ears, man. BAS-JAN doesn’t help calm KING at all. KING: I don’t care that you’re sorry. It doesn’t make the pain go away! *THUMP* KING moans, and points his gun wildly at BAS-JAN. He pulls the trigger, but the bullet goes astray and hits GERTHEIN in the arm. GERTHEIN falls to his knees, and BAS-JAN rushes to help him. BAS-JAN: Man, are you crazy or something?!? Before KING has a chance to answer, a loud speaker sounds over the music. CHIEF: You’re surrounded, King. You don’t have a chance. Put down the weapon and let the DJ go. *THUMP* KING: Never! The police then open fire. KING rushes to point his gun at them, thereby letting RICH go, who runs off to the side. KING, though, doesn’t have a chance. He is hit numerous times, and blood spurts forward from the wounds. He falls to his knees, and looks at disbelief at his injuries. *THUMP* KING is still pained by the music, even though he is in his dying music. A few of the police bullets go astray accidentally of KING and hit the DJ table behind him. The stereo equipment is short-circuited and the music stops. All is quiet in the club. WATSON slowly moves from his position in the back of THE VOLCANO, and moves to the front edge of the crowd and starts snapping pictures. They will make an excellent front page. As KING gasps for his dying breaths, he almost smiles as the pain in his head is gone, now that the music is stopped. *THUMP* KING’S expression turns from one of almost contentment to horror. His bloodied hands grip his head in pain. It is silent, and there is no music. *THUMP* But this time, the THUMP is of KING hitting the club floor. It is over. ----- Max lonewolf@mdc.net (-o-)