I was browsing through my SW directory today and found this gem, originally
posted to RASS in April of 94 by a guy named Alexander Miller. I laughed so 
much that I think it deserves a repost. Enjoy.

-Ted

***

I have just come across a piece of film not included in any previous
release of A New Hope. Now before you go telling me to look at the FAQ,
just take a look and you'll see I'm no newbie:

The scene takes place between Luke's being attacked by Tusken Raiders and
Obi-Wan's arrival. It details the stormtroopers' fateful visit to the
Larrs' ranch.

     Owen Larrs paced slowly around the perimeter of his homestead,
raising his hand to shield his eyes from the glare of Tatooine's twin
suns. He looked in every direction, no doubt intending to discern the
location of his errant nephew and new droids. As he turned to scan the
western horizon, he noticed the unmistakable flash of sunlight on metal.
He instinctively reached to his belt for his binocs, only to realize that
Luke had borrowed them the day before, and, in typical immature fashion,
had failed to return them. Owen shrugged and grimly accepted the fact that
Luke had again ventured to the western range, and was no doubt dreaming of
far off space battles and adventure, just as his father had so many years
before. He must have taken the new droid, threepio, with him, he supposed,
for what else could possibly explain the flash of light he had just
witnessed? He turned and headed towards the South ridge, to check on
whether or not Luke had completed his chores.

   Aunt Beru quietly went about her daily rituals, dishes,laundry and the
like. She dreamed of the day when Owen would buy her the domestic droid he
had promised for so long, a day she knew would never arrive. As she
polished the surface of her table, she heard a rather strange noise. She
assumed it was only Luke or Owen fooling with an evaporater again, but
soon there was another and another, each time growing louder. She screamed
as she recognized the noise as the unmistakable sound of blaster fire. She
dove for the control panel and the kitchen door slid shut. She cowered
there by the hearth, pondering the fate of her husband and nephew as she
heard footsteps in the courtyard outside.

   As Owen returned from the South ridge, enfuriated by the fact that Luke
had not completed his work, he was surprised to see a number of Dew Backs
at the edge of the cliffs surrounding his home. He thought that perhaps
some nomads had arrived in search of water, and continued in the direction
of his home, until he noticed a white figure emerge from behind one of the
beasts, followed by another. He stopped dead in his tracks as he realized
he had been spotted by the Imperial Stormtroopers. The first trooper
pointed at him and proclaimed rather clumsily, "Look sir, Owen!". The
second trooper raised his rifle and fired.

    Owen's heart stopped. Not more than ten feet away from the soldiers,
he knew that he could not possibly dodge the blast. To his amazement,
however, the bolt of energy streaked a good thirty feet above his head. A
second and third shot were equally far off. Owen turned and ran in a
straight line directly away from the troopers across the FLAT PLANE of the
desert. Luckily, there were NO OBSTACLES in his path in such an
environment, and his VISION WAS UNHINDERED because Tatooine's twin suns
provided ample light. Somehow, however, the stromtroopers still failed to
shoot him. When he heard them come after him, he knew his fate was sealed.
Surely young enlisted men would have no trouble catching an elderly man.
To his surprise, however, the troopers began to loose ground.

     Aunt Beru wiped the sweat from her brow as she heard someone approach
the kitchen door. The invader proceeded to knock three times. Beru waited
in silence. She heard a muffled voice proclaim "This door's locked- move
on to the next one!". She breathed a sigh of relief, but her lips did not
correspond to the sound she made. Her relief was short lived, however,
when she heard a sound from the adjoining bedroom. Moments later, Greedo
emerged, in all his naked glory, and asked, "Oota Goota Owen?" Shocked at
his startling admission of his indiscretions with her husband, Beru
collapsed to the floor, dead. Greedo fled the kitchen and headed towards
Mos Eisley.

    Whereas Greedo had unlocked the kitchen to escape, two stormtroopers
entered. The one on the far right of the screen, of course, bumped his
head on the door as he entered. The remaining conscious trooper saw to
him, and then dragged Beru's lifeless body towards the surface.

    Owen proceeded across the range, dodging blaster bolts despite the
fact that he was fat, old and running full speed in incredibly warm
temperatures. Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of Greedo's
bare backside, running in another direction. The momentary distraction
proved fatal. One of the soldiers, long out of ammunition, pulled his
Rocket Fett prototype from its holster, and aimed. The tiny red missile
shot through Owen's eye and penetrated his skull. The trooper marvelled at
the deadly efficiency of his weapon and appreciated why they were so
limited in number- their deadly efficiency made them too dangerous.

    The troopers hauled the bodies back to the farm, suffering only twelve
casualties while doing so, a fully acceptable number. They set the bodies
on fire and proceeded in the direction of the spaceport, in search of the
elusive and deviant Greedo.....

I don't know why I wrote this, just seemed funny at the time. Of course
that was an hour ago, and I could have been sleeping..

My appreciation if you read it all the way through, and my heart felt
gratitude if you chuckled.

-AJM