Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Subject: [Parody] THE RASSM F.A.Q. ! From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted 3000) Date: 12 Sep 1997 00:23:53 GMT RASSM Newbie FAQ By Ted 3000 Marcoux This document is public domain. This FAQ is posted more once every century to rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc. Star Wars and all its related baggage (c) Lucasfilm Ltd. Star Trek and all its treknobabble (c) Paramount. Space Monkey and all it's fake junk (c) SpaceMonkey Ltd. This parody is not online, but check out this sit for no reason: http://members.aol.com/ted3000/robotx.html There are some links! Have at ye! Check out the Mentos link! To avoid confusion and promote the general sanity of rass.misc, this FAQ answers some of the most common questions from newcomers to the group. Suggestions for the improvement of this FAQ are annoying. Please keep them to yourself. If you need to share, write them on a peice of e-mail and mail to to me. This FAQ is THE OFFICIAL FAQ. It's THE SOURCE for knowledge not only about this Star Wars newsgroup, but all knowledge ever learned by mankind. Lo, it is mighty! Topics covered: 1) What is RASSM? 2) Other Resources 3) Common abbreviations 4) What can you tell me about the special editions and the other 6 planned movies? 5) What's this in the SW books about the 'Emperor's Clone'? What order should I read the books in? 6) Did you see the stortrooper hit his head on the door in the Death Star? 7) Who is Gonk? 8) What's the point of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek threads? 9) Why do you guys hate Ewoks so much? I love 'em! They're cute and cuddly and... 10) Ongoing stories 11) A bit of Netiquett 12) Spoiler warnings 1) What is RASSM? RASSM stands for rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc. It's the place you go after yo've read your e-mail, surfed the web, downloaded shareware, re-read your email and cleaned the gunk out of your mouse. It's the last resort for entertainment on the internet. It's an ASCII cry-for-help from countless computernedrs and assorted sci-fi geeks, and it makes your local Comic Store look like a hip singles bar. Please note that RASSM is a discussion group for star Wars topicsin general. There are several specific subjects that are best discussed or otherwise posted elsewhere in the heirarchy. They include: (Cheat codes) rec.arts.sf.starwars.games (Old news covered on starwars.com) rec.arts.sf.starwars.info (Socialy retardedness) rec.arts.sf.starwars.collecting.customizing (Anal retentiveness) rec.arts.sf.starwars.collecting.misc (Old anal retentiveness) rec.arts.sf.starwars.collecting.vintage (Self-esteeme issues) alt.fan.starwars (Weight problems) alt.games.xvt (for X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter computer game) (Insanity) alt.startrek.vs.starwars (Wedge fun) alt.fan.wedge (For wedge!) Proposals for several new newsgroups are currently in the works, including places for chatting off-topic, posting fanfiction, debating Star Wars versus Star Trek, and other stuff. We'll be keeping our eyes open for what ammounts to the further compartmentalization of a cross-section of a sub-culture. 2) Other Resources If you want to post to this group, I highly reccommend that, assuming you've read what's on news.announce.newusers, you read thecomplete rass.misc FAQ posted monthly by Mr. George "Jake" Tringali, after which, enjoy a mint: You can get it by: Anonymous FTP at rtfm.mit.edu in /pub/usenet/news.answers/starwars/faq MIT mail server: Send Email to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with the body: send usenet/news.answers/starwars/faq/part1 " " " " part2 " " " " part3 Or off the WWW at http://www.servtech.com/public/ejack/swars/faq also http://www.redundant.address.samecontent.html The Star Wars FAQ can now be found at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/4147/ You also might find it at r.a.s.s.info, rec.answers, and news.answers. Also visit James Trory's Official RASSM home page to see if you are popular at http://www.trory.demon.co.uk/rassm/index.htm And Rakelle's Unofficial RASSM home page at http://www.lstud.ii.uib.no/~s714/starwars/rassm/ The Official Star Wars Page (the real thing) is at http://www.starwars.com (And as soon as you see the update you missed by several weeks, post your discoveries in RASSM!) 3) Common abbreviations: a) ANH, (T)ESB, ROTJ: These stand for the titles of the 3 movies; ANH is the elitist codeword for Star Wars. b) PSETWASCHCCTGSB : Please Stop E-Mailing the Webmaster at Starwars.com, He Can't Change the Greedo Scene Back c) Ship names are often abbreviated. Common are: MF: Millenium Falcon SD: Star Destroyer SSD: Super Star Destroyer DS: Death Star X[A,B,Y,E,K,T...]W: X-[or A- etc.]Wing T/[F,B,A,I,D...] : TIE [Fighter, Bomber, Advanced, Interceptor, Defender..., fake ships only pictured in passing in crappy SW novels...] d) TM : The Man (Geooge Lucas) e) LFL : Lucasfilm Limited (Lucas's movie company) f) LA : Lucasarts (Lucas's game company) g) LCJ: Lucasfilm's Continuity Jerks h) SOTE: Subpar Multimedia Crap 4) What can you tell me about the special editions and the other six planned movies? The Special Editions came out here in the States in the first three months of 1997. They added painstaking CGI "scurriers" to Mos Eisley and neglected to airbrush over infamous lightsaber bloopers that have been glaringly obvious since the 1977 original, and are easy to fix. Also, enjoy Jedi Rocks! A list of every minute change to each Special Edition, by RASSM old hand Jay Pennington, are available at The Star Wars Cutting Room Floor: http://www.usticke.org/lost_sw/ The trilogy is actually the second installment in a trilogy of trilogies, and they are identified in the opening crawl as Episodes 4 thru 6. The first prequel is in preproduction, and will begin filming in late 1997, with expected release in 1999. The next two will be filmed back-to-back, on video for some reason, and they are expected at two-year intervals after the first. Ewoks, sadly, may not make it into the prequles. No official word is available for Episodes 7 - 9, except that they are a long, long way in the future, if they ever get made. Rumors persist that Mark Hammill has been asked to reprise his role as Luke, further typecasting him until he dies a bitter old man, screaming 'I'm not Luke! I'm the Joker! Arrgghh! Ha, ha ha ha ha!" To get fully up to speed on all news and rumors about the prequels, visit Scott Chitwood's Texas A&M Star Wars page - A running record of animated gifs that tke hours to download unless you have an ISDN line. Not the odd animation of a Jawa and some dots. http://aero25.tamu.edu/~swpage in the Imperial Holonet section. Harry Knowles' Ain't it Cool News - Updated daily by this weird, fat guy who pops up everywhere, and I hazard to say probably smells much like Wendy's Smokey Bacon Cheeseburger. 7% of the rumors he makes up turn out to be true by the sheer laws of probability! http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/coolnews.html Eric Mohler runs a prequel FAQ, in text and HTML versions, and even on punch cards: http://www.duke.edu/~egm/prequel.html 5) What's this in the SW books about the Emperor's Clone? What order should I read the books in? Read the books in random order, it doen't matter, they're all the same. Luke goes off to recruit Jedi, there's some holdout Imperial bonehead with a superweapon, Checbacca roars, Han's P-Whipped, Leia dosn't want to run the Galaxy, Wedge flies around in his X-Wing, the kids are kidnapped, luke quotes Yoda, whatever. That kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, Dark Horse pretends the Emporer didn't die in ROTJ. Visit Rich Handley's Exhausting Guide to Star Wars Comics: http://www.asb.com/usr/cardsafe/intro.htm 6)Did you see the Stormtrooper hit his head on the door in the Death Star? Yes, we did. But did you see the Stormtrooper dismount the CGI Dewback in the SWSE? Ouch, now THAT was painful! 7)Who is Gonk? Gonk is the power droid (the "trash can droid") in the Jawa Sandcrawler. a) A crappy obscure slag-heap b) A RASSM tidbit mentioned even on starwars.com c) Lobot's Battery Other power droids appear throughout the trilogy, but they are not Gonk. They are, in the same order: a) Gonkites b) Gonk oriented Powerdroids c) Joe Don Baker droids According to his fanboys, Gonk is a wise and magnanimous deity. He was on the sandcrawler to liberate the droids from their slavery. If you want to know more, visit Gonkite's Groovy Grotto: http://members.aol.com/gonkite/main.htm or The House of Gonk, Shrine to the Eternal Power Droid: http://muri.ae.gatech.edu/jeff/gonk/ (The author of this FAQ is of opinion (c).) 8)What is the point of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek threads? There is no point. Discussing such matters would suggest participants are ninnies and require beatings. Don't go there! A new rec.* newsgroup is currently in the planning stages to accomodate these folks. We offer another solution: Get over it. 9) Why do you guys hate Ewoks so much? I love 'em! They're cute and cuddly and... We hate Ewoks beacuse they killed all those innocent Biker-Scouts, who were just doing thier damn jobs as best they could. Getting blasted in battle is one thing, goes with the Stormtrooper job description. But being killed by midgets in teddy-bear costumes with rocks and twigs is just plain retarded, and painful. 10) Ongoing stories This section is currently being revised to make it less scary while still imparting the proper amount of fear. Comments are welcome, needed actually. The people of RASSM often come together and write stories with themselves as the characters. Examples that pop to mind are the Gonk Wars, the Sith Wars, As RASSM Turns, the RASSM Summit, Lobot Fan Base and the Chucky Waldman Trial. It's all in good fun, but it's good advice that you be known and you know the rest of the participants before jumping in or suffer the Wrath of Trory. 11) A bit of Netiquette There is some question about the taste of posting stories called "Dark Gonk" and "Shadow of Whurer", but don't fret. Someone will declare you a genius. There are some things that you shouldn't do on rassm. It's an unmoderated group, so of course we can't stop you, but we can flame your butt all the way over to the Star Trek newsgroups. No-nos include, but are not limited to: Nude Leai Pics (Homemade Porn is disturbing, and kids read it) Get Rich Quick (Unless of course, it's 100% legal and gaurantee to make me a profit-QUICK!!! Read on...) Flame Wars (Fight! Fight!) Unprotected Spoilers (see next section) 12) Spoiler Warnings! Please put 5 or 6 minutes worth of scroll-down between your message header and the fact that Liam Neeson's character DIES IN THE FIRST PREQUEL! You heard it here first, folks (Thanks, Harry Knowles!) a) NO SPOILERS IN THE SUBJECT HEADER. Good: "Prequel Casting Rumor SPOILER" Bad: "Snake Pliskin seen in Cantina" Now, if you have read and understood this FAQ, then boogie down in the funkiest hive of funk and jive this side of Jabba's Palace, RASSM!!! May the Farce be with you. Special thanks to Daniel Miller and Scott Chitwood for the inspiration to toast the FAQ, which is a great resource and helped me when I was a newbie. All RASSMER's toasted in this fake FAQ were toasted in good humor. Now, go, my son. And tell your sister, you were right...you were right about me.... ted3000@aol.com (Ted Ehlers) Member of The Lobot Fan Base!!! http://members.aol.com/ted3000/robotx.html "Spank you smartly with my Spank Ray." - Space Ghost