Subject: [HUMOR] The whoring of Star Wars Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 22:20:59 -0400 From: "Michael Ponte" Organization: EarthLink Network, Inc. Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc The Whoring of Star Wars by Sean Walsh Emperor: "You have paid the price for your lack of vision." Luke: "Of course...how could I be so wrong...truly Pepsi is...the choice of a new generation...!" ------ Veers: "Comscan has detected an energy field around an area of the sixth planet of the Hoth system. The shield it withstand any bombardment." Vader: "Admiral Ozzel brought the fleet out of lightspeed too close to the system." Veers: "Well, sir, he claims that the ships were too sluggish to respond because of the Duracell batteries we run the fleet on." Vader: "Bah! He knows damn well that Energizer batteries could've gotten us out of lightspeed quicker and more efficiently! He is as clumsy as he is stupid..." ------ Luke: "I used to live here." Nikto: "Bud-" Han: "You're gonna die here, you know. Convenient." Barada: "-weis-" Luke: "Just stick close to Chewie and Lando. I've taken care of everything." Klaatu: "-er." Han: "Oh...great..." Lando: "Colt 45!" ------ Piett: "Bounty hunters. We don't need their scum." Bossk: "Are you talking about my scaly skin and funky toes? Well, sir, you don't have to worry about that. Because I use Dial Soap, which always keeps my skin clean and my feet scum-free...!" Piett: "Uhhh..." Officer: "Sir, we have a emergency signal from the Star Destroyer Avenger." Piett: "Right..." ------ Brave pilot Luke Skywalker races through the Death Star trench, with Darth Vader is close pursuit. Vader has Luke right in his crosshairs, when suddenly, in the X-Wing cockpit, Luke whips out a roll of Mentos! Vader senses a disturbance in the Force, and loses his concentration for only a second. Suddenly, the Millennium Falcon zooms in, destroying one of Vader's escorts, and causing the other to collide with Vader's ship. Vader flies off-course, no longer in control of his ship. In the X-Wing, Luke pops a Mentos in his mouth, shuts off his targeting computer, closes his eyes and fires a proton torpedo...right down the ventilation shaft. Seconds later, the Death Star explodes, and Luke smiles. Vader chuckles, as his TIE fighter hurtles through space, and Luke gives the thumbs up. Obi-Wan: "Mentos...the fresh maker...!" ------ Uncle Owen: "No, not that one...no...no...no...you, I suppose your programmed for etiquette and protocol." Luke: "Um...Uncle Owen? That's a Snapple machine." Uncle Owen: "Snapple, huh?" [Uncle Owen stands there for a moment, then takes a few coins out of his cloak and deposits them into the machine. Seconds later, a Snapple pops out. Uncle Owen opens it up, takes a swig, and continues on his shopping...] ------ Nute Gunray: "Gamera Kawasaki! Subaru, Kato." Your Highness, we would never do anything without the approval of the Senate. You assume too much. Amidala: "We will see." [After the queen ends her transmission...] Rune Haako: "Suzuki Panasonic...Akira!" She's right, the Senate will never... Nute: "Fuji Fiji!" It's too late now. Rune: "Gojira, Speed Racer." DO you think she suspects an attack? Nute: "Rodan. Yokozuna. Anime Pokemon Mitsubishi I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there. ------ Lott Dod: "This is outrageous! I object to the Senator's statements!" Chancellor Valorum: "The chair does not recognize the senator from Del Ray at this time!" Lott Dod: "I object! There is no proof. This is incredible. We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth." Aks Moe: "The Congress from Dark Horse concurs with the honorable delegate of Del Ray. As do the delegates of Hasbro, Galoob and LucasArts. A commission must be appointed..." ------ "I am KFC-3P0, human cyborg relations..." ------ See more of this humor on Ponte Central- All work by Michael Ponte and Sean Walsh! http://www.mponte.com -- Michael Ponte- The Love Machine "You're nobody till somebody loves you"- Dean Martin