From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted Ehlers) Subject: STAR WHAT? by Trevor M. Blake Date: 23 Oct 1999 00:00:00 GMT Message-ID: <19991023105358.12718.00000096@ng-fm1.aol.com> Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc X-Admin: news@aol.com Here. Enjoy: _________________________________________________ Review of Star Wars, Chapter 1: Phantom Menace by Trevor M. Blake, syndicated columnist for Galactic Invader Magazine a Sci-Fi Horror publication out of Madison, Wisconson After seeing the billionth T.V. commercial for this so called "Movie of the millennium" I said, O.K., it's time to head to the cinema to see what all the fuss is about. After all, even though I'm a syndicated columnist for several magazines, including this one, I am not, contrary to popular opinion, Immune to hype. Prior to my seeing of the film, I had to fight the urge to read websites like spoil-meisters like www.starwars.com. So, did this Star Sequel beat out all time special effects champ "Independence Day" or "ID4" as we insiders call it? Did it sink the unsinkable Titanic of all movies, "The Titanic"? Well, sorry to dissapoint those of us who havn't shelled out the 6 bucks for this fiasco but I say "STAR WHAT?" Well, I'd love to just type "Don't Waste Your Money, People" and leave it at that, but I have a syndicated colum to fill, and plus that would be as lazy as not coming up with a new sidekick for that future heart-attack patient Roger Ebert. Yes, the feud is still on, the cold war of the critics is waged nonstop. Now, many of you will remeber that so-called movie critic Roger Ebert gave this Starless Sequel a high rating. But, you see, he had to use both of his own bloated thumbs. So the tempered wisdom of his old parter, the late Gene Shallot, was nowhere in his blustery 12 paragraph review, nor in his incoherently wrong-headed televison review. Plus he simply drooled ove the old Star Wars of the 1970's. Anyway, without this turning into yet another gripe-festival against the system, here is what unolded onscreen at the second run theater behind the office supply store at the strip-mall. (Talk about outrage, the popcorn was 4 bucks and let's not even discuss the Sprite!) After sitting through previews of musch better looking movies such as the cheerful, thrilling action-adventure of "The Fight Club" starring silver screen sweetie Bradd Pit, Star Wars 1 started with not a bang but a whimper. The audience was forced to read some kind of synopsis of stuff that was aparantly too expensive to shoot. I mean come on! This is a movie, not a book! The yellow letters were also too small an hard to read. And how many animated logos do we have to suffer through? Does the whole worlkd have something to do with this stinkball? If I were Fox, I'd make a special logo for films this bad: A fox stuffed and mounted on a wall with a word baloon saying "This Movie is rated LAME by the National Motion Picture Association. You think besides G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 they could at least tell you if it "sucks". Pardon my French, there. I'm just miffed. We are then takn by two unknowns actors (Evan McGreger and Lee M. Nealson) on a space craft popluated by terrible-looking aliens. Who can tell them apart? Why did these "Jedi Knights" go there? I guess to escape the opening credits. (Note to this "George Lucas": Next time, give a real director a call like Gene Roddenberry) Just a whole bunch of NYPD blue rip-off camera work, all shakey with explosions and stuff. Lots of yelloing and running. Please! I want to see my old favorite Luke! Yes, even I had a Luke action figure, the origianl 70's one with that funny haircut and that cool Sport Skiff. Anyway, we soon learn that a plant is under attack from a "Trade Confederacy", who's leader, "Darth Sideous" and his evil henchman "Darth Mall" are holding the "Princess Amidala" captive. The Jedi(s?) rescue her, only to get stuck on a desert planet. Let me just say this: the acting is horrible, and who would beleive any of this stuff? Kids? They have all these supposed CGI aliens, but they all look like puppets to me. One actor shines through, and that is Ahmed Best, playing the part of "Jarjar Binks". Pure comedy gold! I say cast him in the remake of Roger Rabbit!!! He's the only one with any real Star Power! Plus his look is so unique. A long, very long and boring Pod Racer race ensues, (Aparntly in Outer Space they let kids drive racecars) and we meet the young Darth Vader, who you will remember from the old Star Wars series. No one suspects he's evil, so they take him to a city planet that looked so awful It made me spill my 70oz. Sprite all over my new Tech Vest from Old Navy. Talk about "special" effects, I've seen third-grade filmstrips about whales that looked more real! Whales! After many poorly acted sceenes, I returned from the bathroom with nearly all of the Sprite stain mopped up. God bless the handicapped stall: Lots of toilet paper and room to move around! I overhear some people in the theater comment on young Darth's mom, supposedly he was conceived just like my personal Saviour, Jesus Christ. (Another note to George: Lay off the blasphemous themes. It was almost as bad as that elephant dung Virgin Mary "art" display in New York, whih aparantly was where he chose to shoot those city planet scenes. Made me wanna hail a cab for Space-Jersey!" The, the proported "Lightsaber Fight" set to the classical music score "Duel of the Fates". Maybe they should have used the Nutcracker Suite instead. Too much prancing and dancing. It looked so scripted. (Well, on that one I understand, It must be extremely dangerous to shoot those scenes. One false move, and your actor looses an arm!) Spolier Alert: three battle, only 1 are left alive. It's that smarmy Kid i've seen on ER, Evan Macgreger. Great. All that buildup and Obi-Wan dosn't die! I thought he was dead, anyway..?? Well, i'm sure I'll have like, 20 thousand angry e-mails from pissed off Star Wars fans telling me about how Jedi never really die or somthing. Well, that was it. Save you money, and go rent "The Mummy" instead. When you pull Brendon Frasier's card, you've pulled the Hollywood Ace. Look for my reivew next week, when I'll tackle this horrid hypemonster "Blair Witch Project". Until then, I'm Trevor M. Blake saving you the trouble! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted Ehlers) Subject: Message from Trevor M. Blake Date: 24 Oct 1999 00:00:00 GMT Message-ID: <19991023213912.29787.00000386@ng-fy1.aol.com> Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc X-Admin: news@aol.com Message from Trevor M. Blake via Ted Ehlers (ted3000@aol.com) _____________________________________________ Hello. When I emailed Ted my review of Phantom's Menace (Phantoms starring Ben Affleck is better) I had no idea it would be posted on the internet chatboard called Rassam. It was meant to be on a website. Ted thought he could trick me by just posting it on the chatroom Rassam. When I found out, first I was mad, but then I checked it out from a Dell Celeron modem at my library (with some assistance from a nice man named Jeff who was there gathering bomb recipies for the impending doomsday.) It turns out Rassam is better than a web site page, but then it turned sour. Ted has was innundated with e-mail directed at my review, which for some reason is causing a stir. The truth always causes a stir. Look at Jesus Christ. He went around telling the Romans he was God's son so they had him quietly killed, as to not cause a stir. That's what happens to people who speak the truth a little to loud. You dissapear one day never to return again. Now, this Rassam, this electronic messaging server for Star Wars fans, is hereby notified that I will no longer be publishing my movie reviews. If you can't be polite about what is my educated opinion (and I have a dergree in Film, Film Scoring and Acting from Madison Community Continuing Education Forum so I know what stinks) I'll just lend my services to a different electronical e-mails internet web-site server. OK? Jeez! Now, Since I don't have an aol.com yet, Ted has been kind enough to let me post my HTMLs though his information superhighway link. So don't shoot the messanger. I'm a "Net Novice" but I'm no fool. Jevon den Ridder, you know who you are. Don't make me go over to the United Kingdom and kick your United Kingdom Ass like we kicked your ass in World War Two. Now, I can tell you all have too many "Star Wars Stars" in your eyes to see the truth, so I'll just post my review of "A Blair Witch Project" over to Harry Knowles site. He's a beefy fellow who loves a good scoop. (Sneek Preview: there's no witch, there's no stars and there's no Production Value Whatsoever, just like a little film called The Star Wars 1: Pantom's Menace) So don't be alarmed. you are the reason good films like "Godzilla", "Lake Placid" and "The Mummy" don't do better at the box office: Too many followers kissing George Lucas' billionaire ass! Sorry If I've offended anyone too much. And thanks to Ted3000 for providing me with the much- needed interweb download Rassam access. Huzzah! Face it: Star Wars was good in the 70's, but it's a little too campy for modern times. Grow up. I did. -Trevor M. Blake No Longer your Whipping Boy ----------------------------------------------------------------------- From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted Ehlers) Subject: Phone Call from "Trevor M. Blake" Date: 24 Oct 1999 00:00:00 GMT Message-ID: <19991023224354.29759.00000340@ng-fy1.aol.com> Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc X-Admin: news@aol.com Well, I hope you're happy. I just got off the phone with Trevor, and the last thing he said was that he had some pills and stuff, and some champagne, and that he was 'going to the tub" with some of his old magazines to "sort shit out". He sounded pretty drunk, and now I can't get through to him. The line's been busy fror an hour, and I know he has call waiting. Well, perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe you wish to hear the whole twisted story of Trevor M. Blake. It all started this summer, a week before TPM came out in the US. My cousin Marcoux, while traveling abroad, ran into this guy who needed some money outside a Star trek onvetion in Ontario, Canada. He was selling these buttons he aparantly made with a Badge-A-Minute that said "Star Wars Sucks, Star Trek Rules" in silver glitter. He wasn't even in a vendor booth, he had the buttons spread out on a blanket in a parking garage. Marcoux felt bad so he gave him the 50 bucks he needed for bus fare back to Madison. Marcoux was making his way to the US for the sneek preview charity premier of TPM in Boston, so he rode with him that night on a Grayhound Bus. Now, Marcoux is a HUGE star Wars fan, and he's pretty crazy sometimes, but Trevor and him got along fine, as long as they stuck to generic sci-fi and movies. Then Marcoux told him about how he had interned in college at Galaxy Invaders Magazine , and that it's really easy to get an internship there as long as you claim to be a student. Well, Trevor move to Madison and got an internship, and eventually a job. But the magazine wouldn't let him write his review of TPM, as they had covered it in-depth a month before he got there. Marcoux, who I hate now, hooked him up with my number and my AOL password (THX-1138) and now he calls a shitload of times each day. He's like some Trekkie version of Jim Carrey's "The Cable Guy" or something. So now's this totally crazy Star Wars hater who got laid off last week, and has been having people cross-post his reviews on web-sites, newsgorups, etc. The reaction here was typical. People hated his dunderheaded rants. Rumor is he didn't even see the movie. He saw "The Mummy" instead. Now he's into some kind of internet porn domain-name registration scam or something. Don't let him fool you, he's not the net novice he claims to be. And if you get an email from him directly, don't click on any hyperlinks. He's designed some killer viruses including the Jar-Jar hard-drive wiper. It zero's all your data, leaving only an animated gif of Jar-Jar behind. And now I'm afraid he's trying to self-destrcut, or make me belive he is. Just don't let him get your passwords. He's nuts.