Subject: New! SPOOF- REEL #1 (SPOILERS BEWARE!) Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 23:48:45 GMT From: cams@giasmd01.vsnl.net.in Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Ok my friends those wary of spoilers please avoid this as its full of spoilers. Those who aren't just read ahead..enjoy! Krish SPOILER SPACE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 STAR WARS- THE PHANTOM MENACE- A NEW SPOOF By K. R. Krishna cams@giasmd01.vsnl.net.in A long time time ago in a galaxy far, far, way The Galaxy is in incredible trouble! The Trade Federation has blockaded the small planet of Maboo!!! As the senators scratch their heads over what to do, Chancellor Valorous has sent a pair of JEDI Knights... SPACE A small Republic cruiser is on it's way towards planet Maboo. Some 200000 Trade federation ship lie in orbit. INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER Two hooded figures stand behind the pilot and co-pilot QUI-GON Captain - tell them we want to come aboard. CAPTAIN Yes Sir! OBI-WAN I wonder how this Viceroy will be... A viewscreen in front of them reveals a flickering image. It is Leonard Nimoy. OBI-WAN Good! he seems friendly enough. LEONARD NIMOY Greetings. I represent the Nimoy-dians. I am the Vice- The transmission is abruptly cut off and a hideous green face with red eyes and a 3 pronged crown appears BRUTE FUNFACE *I* am the Viceroy. And *that* was my decoy. Clever no? Can't wait to have you boys on board! OBI-WAN Yipes! Obi jumps and tries to run from the scene. Qui-Gon in a lightning fast move grabs Obi's pony-tail QUI-GON Don't do that again! OBI-WAN Wonder what he'll do to us? QUI-GON Don't worry they're all cowards... like you!! INT FEDERATION SHIP Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are met at the main hatch by a protocol droid. DC-10 Good afternoon. On behalf of our captain I welcome you on board. Please fasten seat belts and extinguish cigarettes when the No Smoking sign is on. In case of an emergency use the oxygen mask provided and the parachute under your seat. I hope you have a pleasent flight. Dinner will be served at half past 9. Thank you for flying the Federation battleship. Obi-wan and Qui-Gon take their seats at a table. BRIDGE FEDERATION SHIP BRUTE FUNFACE What??? DC-10 The ambassadors are jedi knights. I'm positive. BRUTE FUNFACE Go distract them. I'll get Lord Scariest on the line DC-10 Distract them? Oh dear! SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY In a darkened room, a hooded figure moves up to a round screen on the wall. DARTH SCARIEST Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the scariest of us all? MIRROR In all the wide galaxy, you of course, my lord. A smile of satisfaction crosses the face half revealed under the hood. Behind in a window, a silhouette of another hooded figure is seen briefly but quickly ducks. A buzz echoes through the room BRIDGE FEDERATION SHIP(in front of holoscreen) a hologram of Darth Scariest appears. DARTH SCARIEST About time!...Where the hell are those wigs I ordered??? BRUTE FUNFACE Eh? DARTH SCARIEST Oh, its you...what do you want??? BRUTE FUNFACE Lord Scariest... theese ambasseders are jedi knights DARTH SCARIEST And the pope is catholic. BRUTE FUNFACE Er.. what do I do? DARTH SCARIEST Kill them of course you moron!!! And don't dare disturb me again! Brute Funface turns to the others BRUTE FUNFACE Blow up their ship and send those battle droids. CONFERENCE ROOM FEDERATION SHIP DC-10 tap dances while Obi-wan and Qui-gon watch seated at a table with a piles of food and drinks. Obi-wan loudly slurps his drink and munches on sandwiches, his feet up on the table QUI-GON Put your feet down. OBI-WAN hmm??? QUI-GON Be mindful of your manners young padawan!!! OBI-WAN (shrugging and tossing a crumpled cup behind him) Okay...(To DC-10) oh...(choking on sandwich) one more refill please QUI-GON Be mindful of your apetite young padawan!!! Suddenly and explosion rocks the ship. Poisonous gas issues through hidden vents. OBI-WAN Master...I SENSE something. QUI-GON I SMELL something. OBI-WAN GAS! QUI-GON Of course you idiot! After 42 sandwiches and 52 drinks what do you expect??? Ewww! A squad of battle droids arrive at the hallway in front of the conference room. A cloud of noxious gas pours out of the room. A figure emerges from the room. DC-10 Excuse me sirs. The jedi are inside...Oh and please send a cleaning crew...my joints are aching The droids prepare to enter. Just then lightsabres blades appear and slash the droids apart. Obi-wan and Qui-Gon jump out of the room slicing and dicing the droids left and right. Broken pieces of droids are everywhere. Alarms begin sounding all over BRIDGE Nute Gunyay and Rune Haako watch on a viewscreen BRUTE FUNFACE Waht the @#$%^ is going on? LUNE TAAKO Have you dealt with jedi knights before? BRUTE FUNFACE No! LUNE TAAKO Have you dealt with Sith lords before?? BRUTE FUNFACE No!! LUNE TAAKO Have you ever been in a motion picture before??? BRUTE FUNFACE NO!!! Obi-wan and Qui-Gon get into a ciriculation vent HANGER OF FEDERATION SHIP Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan crouch in the opening of a vent. Massive federation landing ships and transports are seen. Battle droids are marching into them QUI-GON Look...Battle droids OBI-WAN Ulp! (turns to crawl back up the shaft) Qui-Gon in a lightning fast gesture grabs Obi-wan's pig tail. QUI-GON Don't do that again OBI-WAN But master... QUI-GON What do you think we fought up there? OBI-WAN Those were battle droids? (Gulp) I thought that was part of the entertainment! QUI-GON Follow me. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sneak into a transport MABOO Trade federation landing ships begin to descend from space and land. Transports begin emerging from them. A little away in the swamp, Qui-Gon and Obi-wan wade quietly through the swamp away from the landing site. OBI-WAN Master...that was really clever QUI-GON Watch and you shall learn padawan! Suddenly an enourmous rumbling is heard. Our heroes turn around in horror. Animals of all shapes and sizes appear in a massive stampede running over our heroes. The seemingly endless stampede and noise continues for a while. Later... two heads emerge from the mud, completely covered in black gooey slime. ONE HEAD Uhhh OTHER HEAD Oohh ONE HEAD Master? OTHER HEAD Umm??? ONE HEAD Obi? OTHER HEAD Uhhh ONE HEAD aHHHH ONE HEAD Stop that!!! OTHER HEAD Stop what??? ONE HEAD Hep me!!! OTHER HEAD Let go padawan!!! ONE HEAD No mesa stay! OTHER HEAD Master- your voice sounds so strange. ONE HEAD Obi- your pigtail feels so strange. OTHER HEAD No! mesa not strange. Mesa TarTar Dinks The two mud covered figures discover a third figure between them. OBI-WAN Who or what in the blazes are you? QUI-GON One of the CG creatures in this film obviously. Loud buzzing sounds interrupt them. Suddenly STAPS, flying armed platforms carrying battle droids approach them. Obi-wan and Qui-gon reach for the lightsabres, only to find they've been fried by the mud. TarTar dives back into the mud. OBI-WAN Master! QUI-GON Shhh! I have a plan...listen Two STAPS approach them and hover around them. OBI-WAN He was faster! QUI-GON No way the other one was way faster!! OBI-WAN No, no ,I'm postive he was faster. QUI-GON No, I'm quite sure the other one was. BATTLE DROID 1 What is the problem QUI-GON Oh hello... my friend and I are having a little arguement here OBI-WAN You see, I am positive you were faster on your vehicle. QUI-GON And I am quite sure your companion here was a lot faster. The droids process the statements BATTLE DROID 1 Affirmative I was faster You were correct. BATTLEDROID 2 Negative it is I who was faster. You were incorrect. QUI-GON We'll soon settle this. See that clearing in the distance? Why don't you and your companion here race each other. Let's see who gets to that clearing and back first The droids process the suggestion. BATTLE DROID 1 Agreed..it is a logical solution BATTLE DROID 2 Roger. QUI-GON Allright then, ready.. get set... OBI-WAN Go! The droids zoom off into the distance on their STAPS Our heroes make a hasty exit. TarTar rushes to catch up with them OBI-WAN Master surely were not taking this ...thing along with us? QUI-GON Trust my instincts. I sense he will be extremely useful to us. OBI-WAN And just how do you know that? QUI-GON Be aware of the living force young padawan. Besides, with 43,454 licenced items in his name, surely he must be worth something??? Obi-wan ponders it for a moment and reluctantly continues on. QUI-GON TarTar, is there a safe place for us anywhere? TAR TAR Safe? Um...I could taken you to muy homeworld QUIGON Allright then ...lets go! TARTAR Oh! muy muy Gungans no liken outsiders! QUI-GON Excellent! TARTAR Gungans no liken humans! QUI-GON Wonderful! TARTAR They give you bery bombad reception and kick your buttsen QUI-GON Even better!! OBI-WAN Master! I can't wait to see this place. QUI-GON Patience young padawan.. Which direction?? TARTAR Umm.. down QUI-GON Underwater? allright lead the way OBI-WAN Master...I cant swim.. QUI-GON (handing Obi-Wan a breathing apparatus) Here take this...for heaven's sake in your mouth padawan!!! The trio sink deep within the murky depths. They swim in virtual darkness. Finally... OBI-WAN Gurgle... I see a light!!! QUI-GON I see 2 lights OBI-WAN I see 5 lights now QUI-GON I see 15 lights OBI-WAN I see 53 lights now QUI-GON I see 520 lights The trio reach the Gungan underwater city of interconnected bubbles. They enter one of the bubbles Qui-Gon looks around. Gungan soldiers riding kaadus approach them. TarTar panicks and tries to duck out of view. Obi-wan is red in ther face almost exploding QUI-GON Stop holding your breath. You can breathe now you idiot!!! OBI-WAN Gasp... Phew... GUNGAN SOLDIR TarTar u back?? Bery bombad Dis time u in big TROUBLE! OBI-WAN AND QUI-GON (Together) Trouble??? Where??? Where??? They eagerly follow the Gungan through several passages with transparent walls. Fish of every shape, size and color are visible. They pass a line of tourists. TOUR GUIDE Welcome to Otoh Gunga Sea World... Obi-wan pauses a moment to listen but is dragged along by Qui-Gon They enter a transparent room with a circular bech at the end, where several Gungans are seated. The highest seat is empty Qui-Gon and Obi-wan stand in frant. VOICE FROM SOMEHERE Ladies and gentlemen...heeeeeres... Bossa Nassa An extremely obese Gungan specimen arrives accompanied by loud clapping and cheering from the audience behind. BOSSA NASSA Thank you, thank you. I'm very pleased to welcome you to my show. And tonight...we have for you... a surprise...Outsiders!!!! Hahahaha Loud raucous laughter and hooting is heard from the audience GUNGAN SOLDIER (to Obi-Wan) pssst...smiley! OBI-WAN Hmmm??? GUNGAN SOLDIER Yousa on TV QUI-GON TV?? GUNGAN SOLDIER Dis is live Gungan TV... Dis the Bossa Nassa show! QUI-GON We're meeting a talk show host? GUNGAN SOLDIER Yes, but he is also our King. QUI-GON Your highness, the droid army is attacking the surface... BOSSA NASSA Not my problem. QUI-GON The situation is desperate... BOSSA NASSA Not my problem. QUI-GON We have to warn them... BOSSA NASSA Not my problem. OBI-WAN Master allow me... ( In incredible Alec Guiness imitation) The droids are attacking the Maboo. Once those droids take hold of their butts they will take hold of yours Wild cheering from the audience. Encore! Encore! GUNGAN TELECASTER (To Obi-Wan) Hey, You do accents great. Can you do Bill Clinton? ANOTHER GUNGAN TELECASTER You wanna have your own show? we pay well... Obi-wan gives a cunning smile and rasies a brow Qui-Gon glares at Obi. BOSSA NASSA Hmm mesa not impressed . Wesa no caren about oders wesa only caren about ussen. Wesa no caren about the Maboo. Wesa only caren about ussen. Qui-Gon stomps in front of Boss Nass and sticks his head in front of him. QUI-GON Can you give me an army? BOSSA NASSA NO! QUI-GON Can you give me a submarine? BOSSA NASSA NO! QUI-GON What can you give me then???? BOSSA NASSA A haircut and a shave? Qui-Gon fumes in anger tapping his foot. He then clams down and raises a brow givng Obi-wan aglance and an impish grin Qui-Gon raises his hand and gestures magically QUI-GON I will get us to the Maboo city of Theed BOSSA NASSA I will get you to the Maboo city of Theed QUI-GON I will give you a submarine BOSSA NASSA I will give you a submarine Obi-wan is impressed QUI-GON I am a fat tub of lard BOSSA NASSA I am a fat tub of lard. QUI-GON My waistline is the equator BOSSA NASSA My waistline is the equator QUI-GON I will now shake my belly and do a gonda fanda BOSSA NASSA I will now shake my belly and do a gonda fanda Bossa Nassa begins a dance. The audience goes wild. Hooting cheering whistling GUNGAN NEWSCASTER Hey, you're way cool! ANOTHER NEWSCATER C'mon get him to do some more.. QUI-GON May the ratings be with you my friend. Qui-Gon lowers his hand and Bossa Nassa stops. BOSSA NASSA Okay begone and take this worthless TarTar with you I shall order a bongo for you. OBI-WAN (smacking his lips) Yummy..Master what's a bongo? QUI-GON A transport you idiot. Be mindful of your apetite young padawan!!! GUNGAN TLECASTER Hey u wanna be on "amazing and extraordinary"? we pay well. QUI-GON Sorry my friend, but I must decline. I have another job...saving the galaxy. A submarine is brought before them. The trio hop aboard. TarTar is whining reluctantly. OBI-WAN Master, how do we get to Theed? QUI-GON There's a map here. OBI-WAN I dont see Theed here. QUI-GON No it's on the other side. OBI-WAN But it says we are here on this side...how do we get from one side of the page to the other??? They both hold the map between them and look at each other through a big hole in the center. TarTar "Wesa goin tru da core !!! Oh muy muy ..dis bery bomad!!! END OF REEL 1 Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don't.