Subject: New SPOOF REEL #2 (SPOILERS BEWARE!) Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 14:44:49 GMT From: cams@giasmd01.vsnl.net.in Organization: Deja.com - Share what you know. Learn what you don't. Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc REEL 2 SPOILERS SPACE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 CONFERENCE ROOM FEDERATION SHIP A hologram of Darth Scariest appears before Brute Funface and Lune Taako. BRUTE The invasion is well underway my lord DARTH SCARIEST Well done! So she has signed the treaty? BRUTE Umm. err.. not exactly... DARTH SCARIEST Well? What has she been doing then??? BRUTE She's autographed a dozen posters, two dozen t-shirts, 83 collectibles... DARTH SCARIEST Viceroy! I said I want that treaty signed!!! BRUTE FUNFACE Yes, my lord... DARTH SCARIEST And don't you dare screw up again! UNDERWATER The bongo submarine makes its way through the murky waters. Suddenly a host of monster size fish attack TARTAR Yipes! Get me outta here!! QUI-GON Wait..we're not in any trouble yet OBI-WAN AND TARTAR (Together) Are you crazy??? Qui-Gon puts on his breathing apparatus and dives out of the sub. He swims up to the monster fish, and they close in on him. Obi-Wan and TarTar watch nervously. Qui-Gon whispers something to the fish and they leave immediately. Qui-Gon swims back into the sub. OBI-WAN Master! How did you do that? QUI-GON (Grinning proudly) Elementary my dear padwan! I told them merchandising was the last thing on George Lucas's mind when he made this film. They couldn't swallow that! NABOO The city of Theed has been occupied by the federation army. Battle droids patrol the streets. In the palace Brute Funface stands in the Queen's courtroom. SIO GIGGLE Tee hee and just how do you propose to explain this invasion to the senate? BRUTE FUNFACE (grunting) Queen Amourala vill now sign a treaty. SIO GIGGLE Tee hee you're joking. Amourala is unmoved among the giggles and the grunts. Her handmaidens surround her as she sits with her face painted ghostly white wearing a wooden expression on her face. BRUTE Well your highness? Finally the painted lips move AMOURALA I will not cooperate. SIO GIGGLE Tee hee she is a woman of few words. BRUTE You vill not like vat I have in store for you. DOOM-9 Take them away!!! A while later... MABOO PALACE Qui-gon and Obi-wan have sucessfully landed their sub and made their way to the palace. They decide to enter through the rear. They rush to the courtroom. A figure stands in the centre, clad in brightly colored decorative clothing, face painted ghostly white and wearing curious looking headgear. Obi-wan drops on one knee and starts kissing the hand of the figure. OBI-WAN Oh your highness, it is an honor! I am pad-a-wan, Obi-wan son-of-a-gan! QUI-GON That's not the queen you idiot! Thats the royal jester! Now c'mon let's find the queen. They rush out of the palace OUTSIDE MABOO PALACE The sergent and a dozen battle droids march Sio Giggle the Queen her handmaidens and Captain Banana to the detention camps. On the way Obi-wan and Qui-Gon jump out of no where and slice and dice the droids QUEEN AMOURALA Who are you? THE HANDMAIDENS (one after the other) who are you...who are you... ... who are you QUI-GON We are ambassadors from the chancellor. I'm Qui-Gon Jinn and this is Obi-Wan Obi-wan winks at the Queen. AMOURALA These are my handmaidens. Belle (beauty expert), Sase (official correspondance), Cache (computing department), Pace (fitness expert) and last but not least Padme (intelligence) QUI-GON Your highness you are in danger you must come with us to Cormorant. SIO GIGGLE Tee hee don't be stupid. Your place is here highness, with us. QUI-GON Please, your higness... SIO FICKLE Yes, he's right you better leave! QUI-GON I have a master plan, listen - come closer all of you. We'll sneak past the 10000 battle droids in the hanger grab a ship make our way into space, evade the 200000 federation ships in orbit and speed away to Cormorant...brilliant eh? CAPTAIN BANANA Er...I just remembered I have some *really* urgent work to get to. Nice meeting you guys..bye! He turns to run as Qui-Gon grabs him. QUI-GON Your highness, please consider The Queen looks at her handmaidens who look at each other who look at Sio Giggle who looks at Banana who looks at Obi-wan who looks at Qui-gon who looks at the handmaidens who look at the Queen... Finally... QUEEN AMOURALA Very well. THE HANDMAIDENS (one after the other) very well..verywell... very well MAIN HANGER NABOO The entourage reach the hanger and peer in. The ships are being guarded by a few battle droids while several other droid are being commanded by a sergeant droid as they dance the Can-Can SERGEANT DROID And left and left and left and right and right and right... BANANA That chrome plated vessel over there is the Queen's personal transport. Obi-wan whistles softly QUI-GON Ok, all of you try to act nonchalant. It'll be a cakewalk. Obi- go get us a pilot. The group walk across towards the ship casually. A battle droid stops them. DROID Stop! Where are you going? QUI-GON Oh, I'm off to the cafetaria OBI-WAN Are the restrooms over there? HANDMAIDENS (together) We're going to bathe in the waterfalls QUEEN AMOURALA I'm off to powder my nose. BANANA I'm going to the fitting room to try on a new uniform. The droid processes the answers DROID Allright. Proceed. The group rushes and enters the ship INT. QUEEN'S PERSONAL TRANSPORT QUI-GON Where's the pilot? PILOT How do you do? I'm Ric Baldie QUI-GON Ok let's take off! The ships engines fire and roar ..then nothing happens The droids turn around and begin firing at the ship QUI-GON Why aren't we taking off? Ric Baldie struggles at the controls. QUI-GON You mean you've never flown a J-Type 747 Moobian before? RIC BALDIE I'm only a pilot trainee. Do you think we get to fly the Queen's personal transport? Besides no one has flown her transport in years. She just dosen't go places. QUI-GON Great! You're all I need to get us past that blockade in space. OBI-WAN (Glancing at watch) Master! We haven't much time QUI-GON Yes! Thank you Big Ben!!! Suddenly the ship begins moving and shoots into space where 20000000 Federation ships block its way. The ships begin firing at the Moobian. Ric Baldie struggles to evade the fire QUI-GON Why don't you fire back? RIC BALDIE You're kidding?...we have no weapons QUI-GON You have no weapons??? HANDMAIDENS (Togehter, with pistols in hand, striking a "Charlie's angels" pose) We have no weapons we are a non-violent people. The ship is violently knocked about. QUI-GON What's happening? RIC BALDIE We just lost our shield QUI-GON Can't you do something about it? RIC BALDIE Send out the repair crew! BANANA Right! Banana runs to another room. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan look around. QUI-GON I don't see any repair crew Banana returns with five 12" droids and begins setting them up in an upright position on the floor. He starts winding up one. QUI-GON You mean you're using wind up toys as a repair crew? The droids whirr and begin moving towards the airlock and then drop out in space one by one. The federation ships despatches droid fighters, which open fire. The Moobian is rocked about violently. RIC BALDIE Oh Oh QUI-GON What's up? RIC BALDIE We lost Droid # 1 Ric Baldie works furiously to avoid the fire and Qui-Gon begins sweating profusely and chewing his fingernails. BANANA The Queen demands an update on the situation. RIC BALDIE Update? You've got to be kidding Oh Oh there goes Droid #2 OBI-WAN (glancing at watch) We haven't much time. QUI-GON (slapping Obi's head) Thank you Big Ben!!! Outside the remaining droids are working on the hull The thrid and fourth droid blow up A blast rocks the ship Suddenly... RIC BALDIE Hooray! Shields are up! That little droid did it. The R2 unit rolls back in amisdt loud cheering by the group. QUEEN AMOURALA It's amazing! QUI-GON Yes, the other droids blew up but this kept going on and on and on. BANANA (grinning and picking up the little droid) ENERGIZER batteries!!! QUI-GON Allright Ric, gimme a status report. RIC BALDIE Hmm let's see ...we have no hyperdrive. We have no engines. We have no fuel. We have no wings and we're stranded in the middle of nowhere. QUI-GON Great! Now do we have a place to land? RIC BALDIE Let me study the Star charts....here - we've got Planet Golana, a tropical paradise, islands with beautiful beaches, beautiful women. OBI-WAN Sounds good, Master! QUI-GON What else? RIC BALDIE Tatooine an impoverished desert planet ruled by Hutt gangsters, with slave quarters full of single mothers with truant kids. QUI-GON Hmm. We might find the parts we need there. Set course for Tatooine. SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY In a darkened room a hooded figure moves up to a round mirror DARTH SCARIEST Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the scariest of us all? MIRROR In all the wide galaxy, you of course my lord. The face half revealed under the hood smiles Behind in a window another hooded figure watches and then ducks. Darth Scariest moves up and switches on the holo-communicator. CONFERENCE ROOM FEDERATION BATTLE SHIP A hologram of Darth Scariest begins to appear Brute Funface and Lune Taako quickly duck under the table. DARTH SCARIEST Funny...no one here? Darth Scariest looks around and then spots Brute Funface's 3 pronged headgear sticking up from his hiding place. DARTH SCARIEST Allright Viceroy! C'mon out the game is up! Brute and Lune rise up from their hiding place, shaking. DARTH SCARIEST Ok boys out with it- what have you screwed up this time??? BRUTE Lord Scariest...the Queen...she escaped DARTH SCARIEST ESCAPED???? BRUTE The jedi they took her in a ship.... DARTH SCARIEST How did they get past the blockade???? BRUTE (voice quivering) M m m...my lord looks like just about anything can happen in this film. DARTH SCARIEST Hmm.. This is most annoying. Well. I'll deal with you two later. Meanwhile our heroes land their ship on Tatooine OUTSKIRTS OF MOS ESPA TATOOINE INT. QUEEN'S SHIP QUI-GON All right, listen. We need disguises to go into town. BANANA (coming out of the back room with a bag marked "Disguises") Hey guys look what I found! QUI-GON I think I'll take this tunic, and poncho TARTAR Dis Sun no good for me. I take dis. TarTar puts on a Mexican hat PADME Hey look ...sunglasses for everyoone QUI-GON Great Idea! TARTAR Okiday! QUI-GON Wait a second... this cute handmaiden is not coming with us. PADME Why not??? QUI-GON You're too pretty, frail and can't take care of yourself. PADME Is that so? OBI-WAN (covering his eyes) Uh oh I have a bad feeling about this Padme does a judo throw and Qui-Gon lands on his back QUI-GON Uhhh.. Ok you've made your point. Now come on we've got some major shopping to do. The rest whip out their handdkerchiefs and bid farewell QUI-GON Now remember we can't risk any communication with Maboo. Send no transmissions of any kind got it? OTHERS (Together) Got it! The trio of Qui-Gon Padme and TarTar along with R2 hop out and head towards town. The trio near Mos espa Town They stop to read a sign- "Jabby the Hutt welcomes you to Mos Espa Hi folks! enjoy your stay. You name it, I own it- so don't mess with me! Chabaza!" As they waltz into the town full of CG creatrues of every shape, size and description, curious passers by are attracted to Tartar. Soon a whole crowd follows the group walking the infectious TarTar gait. RATTO'S JUNKYARD MOS ESPA A sign outside reads "May Dinars be with you" QUI-GON "Let's try here first" A pot bellied creature with a snout and insect like wings emerges RATTO Yes? Whaddya want? QUI-GON You have parts for a J- Type Moobian? RATTO Hmm...lets see. Gimme a list. Qui-Gon walks off with Ratto and Padme, TarTar and R2 enter the shop. A small dishevelled boy emerges, from the salvage yard wearing rags. He looks at Padme and his eyes pop out. ANAKID Wow !!!Cooooool! Anakid winks at Padme standing in the doorway TarTar runs up to him and begins kissing him TARTAR Oh muy! muy! I love yous too. ANAKID Ew! Stop that! TARTAR But you winken at me no? ANAKID I didn't winken er wink at you I was winking at her. TARTAR You winken at her but you looken at me! ANAKID (To audience) This is the problem I tell you, working with these CG characters! TARTAR Hmmm? ANAKID Nevermind... He walks up to Padme and starts drooling PADME This is disgusting. Have you never seen a girl before? ANAKID No PADME Have you never had a bath before? ANAKID No PADME Geez...where the hell are you from? ANAKID Tatooine Meanwhile in the salvage yard... RATTO Ok you got the parts. How you gonna pay for this? QUI-GON I have Republic credits RATTO Hey! No credits - I want cash! Qui-Gon smiles mischievously and raises his hand gesturing magically. QUI-GON Republic credits will do Suddenly a bright light appears and a figure of a fairy is seen WISHFAIRY Ding Dong! Your trial copy of Wishfairy's "Mindtrick" (R) entitles you to 3 uses only. If you like our product please register to receive the full version with regular updates! Thank you for trying Wishfairy products! Ding Dong! QUI-GON Damn! RATTO Hey what's the problem? QUI-GON Nevermind. I don't have cash RATTO No money? No deal pal! Qui-Gon collects the others and they all sit around wondering what to do Qui-Gon activates his comlink and contacts the ship QUI-GON Obi we're flat broke. Do we have anything of value on board? OBI-WAN Let me see... 37 "Trisha Biggar" designer originals. QUI-GON and? OBI-WAN 52 bottles of "Clown White" QUI-GON hmm anything else? OBI-WAN 15 year old Canned Moobian Tuna? QUI-GON I don't think we have anything of much value. We'll try something else OUTSKIRTS OF MOS ESPA INT. QUEEN'S SHIP A loud beep is heard. RIC BALDIE We're receiving a communication from home. Everyone moves to the holoscreen A hologram of Sio Giggle appears SIO GIGGLE Tee hee you know what we're starving, your highness we're suffering...we're all dying here. Tee hee you must contact us...please ...oh pleeeease OBI-WAN It's definitley a trap your majesty. Send no reply Ric Baldie, the Queen, her handmaidens and banana adjourn to their quarters for a nap. Obi-wan is on watch BALCONY ON CORUSCANT Darth Scariest stands at the balcony staring silently into the distance. A growl distracts him DARTH SACRIEST Ah! my apprentice. DARTH MOLL Growl! Master (drooling) I want revenge! DARTH SCARIEST There, there, you'll have it. Now sit. Good boy. Sit. Darth Moll sits beside his master DARTH SCARIEST Hmm.. The Nimoydians have'nt been able to find those jedi. But it should be easy for a Sith. A cunning smile crosses the half revealed face. OUTSKIRTS OF MOS ESPA INT. QUEEN'S SHIP Obi-Wan is dozing off in a corner A loud buzz startles him. Obi-wan rushes up to the holoscreen and switches it on A hologram of a skimpily clad blond bombshell appears. HOLOGRAM Hi there Handsome! I'm Lola. Stranded on a desolate world? Bored? Lonely? Why not call me hunney and we could have nice talk! (Winks) Hurry! You don't wanna keep Lola waitin do you? Call 1-900-lovegalaxy right now! Tata! (Winks) OBI-WAN Wow! Obi-Wan punches in the number in the dial panel The phone rings OBI-WAN Hello Lola? VOICE Growl! Wrrrong numberr! Obi-Wan hangs up puzzled BALCONY ON CORUSCANT DARTH MOLL Master! (Growl!) They're on Taooine DARTH SCARIEST Excellent! Proceed my apprentice. Darth Moll runs off to pack his things. DARTH MOLL (to himself) "Tatoo"ine eh ? hmmm must be some tatoo place. Better get myself some. It'll help me mingle. A while later he returns with a Wild tatooed face. He passes by Darth Scariest's room when a wicked thought enters his mind. He enters the room, finding it empty, tip toes to the round mirror DARTH MOLL Growl! Mirror mirror on the wall who is the scariest of us all? A loud crack is heard and the glass shatters to smithereens. Darth Moll looks around and hastily exits. END OF REEL 2 Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don't.