Subject: [Parody] "Whose Star Wars Line Is It Anyway?" Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2000 04:07:31 -0700 From: Çheetah! Organization: Frontier GlobalCenter Inc. Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc,alt.fan.wedge,alt.fan.starwars Whose Star Wars Line Is It Anyway? ---------------------------------- Copyright 6/18/2000 held by Çheetah! - All rights reserved. ---------------------------------- Originally posted to: the USENET newsgroups: RASSM, AFW & AFS... ================================== [CUE `WSWLIIA' OPENING THEME] [camera pans to George Lucas, standing among the audience] "Good evening Ladies & Gentlemen, and welcome to `Whose Star Wars Line Is It Anyway?' ..joining us on tonight's show is... [Camera pans right to each star, as they're introduced] ..the unconquered master of Whine, Wimper & Schlock: Mark `I-want-some-whine!' Hamill! [Hamill crosses his eyes & sticks tongue out] ..the Funk-Meister of the Jedi Council: Samuel L. `the Force is with me, MuthaFucka!' Jackson! [Sam L. winks & blows a kiss to the camera] ..from the serpent-filled swamps of Dagobah: Frank `dyslexic I'm not' Oz! [Frank licks chops & gives the camera the `evil' eye] ..and last, but not least: Alec `get-a-fuckin-life!' Guiness! [Alec thumbs his nose at GL] ..And, i'm George Lucas, c'mon & lets go have some fun.. [Lucas leaves audience & sits down at the host desk] .for those of you who've never watched Star Wa. errr, nevermind - EVERYBODY has watched Star Wars.. for those of you who've never watched `whose SW line is it anyway?', it's the show where everything you see, is made up on the spot, using content from the world famous SW movies.. [Lucas assumes a smug look] ..our players earn points, but the points don't matter.. [Guiness whispers "just like the dialog in the SW movies.."] [Lucas frowns & continues] ..as they're just to hold the whole show together, much like the rivets keeping the crotch in Alec's panties intact... at the end, we'll add up the points to determine the winners, the winners will get to do something `special' with me, while the losers will be tied down & forced to watch footage of Alec Guiness's `briss'.. [audience laughs without being prompted] "To start the show, this game is called `scenes pulled from a Stormtroopers Helmut', we polled our audience before the show, and asked them to write down scenes they'd like to see, and then placed the GOOD ones into this ill-fitting Stormtroopers helmut, which has a transmitter malfunction, and we'll draw them to determine each scene the players will do on impulse... [Players go to their respective sides, Lucas draws 1st scene] ...thing's you'd never hear Darth Vader say!" [Hamill steps up & curtseys] "Luke, I am your Mother..." {audience snickers} [Oz steps up & starts grinding his pelvis] "Never, ever underestimate the silkiness of the shorts, woohoo!" {audience laughs, females start whistling} [Lucas hits buzzer, pulls next scene] "Famous last Alderaanian quotes.." [Sam L. steps up & gazes towards sky] "..where'd that small mothafuckin moon come fro..." {audience laughs} [Guiness steps up] "Who cares what George wants! ..what can he do, blow us up?" {audience goes "oooooooohh..."} [Oz steps up] "..and should I be lying, may God strike me down where I stan..." [Lucas hits buzzer & reads next scene] "Obi-Wan becomes a drag-queen.." [Hamill swishes up & lisps] "You'll never find a more wretched hive of thcum & debauchery, unleth you're juth really lucky that ith..." {audience laughs, one effeminite guy whistles} [Sam L. sashay's up] "Ooooh, is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just *really* happy to see me?" {audience roars} [Oz steps up, humps air & with Yoda's voice says] "Swallow, or swallow not, there is no spitting.." [Guiness steps up] "..no George, you cannot `cop a feel'..." [Lucas hits buzzer twice] "...hahahaha.. OK, that'll be a 1000 points each for Mark, Sam, and Frank, with 1120 points for Alec, `cause he's such a good sport! [Alec gives GL the finger & sneers] ..Thank you, now to continue - our next game is one we call `Corellian Filk Songs' and it's for Sam L., with a little help from Max Rebo & the Bith of the Sith.." [GL wanders into audience & finally selects guy sitting by aisle] "Hello sir, and what's your name?" [Selectee answers] "my name is Çheetah.." GL: "Çheetah ..my what a unique name.. and what do you do?" Çheetah: "I lurk in the RASSM newsgroup & flame all of the usenet trolls, the idiots who inhabit AFS, and those spammer assholes, and I do this excessively..." GL: "..?!? You do that for a living?" Çheetah: "No, I do that just for the pleasure.. I teach anger-management classes to Postal Workers, for a living.." GL: "..O.. ..K.. anyway, Sam, did you get all that?" [Sam L. gives GL a `thumbs-up' & grins] [GL leads to stool in front of Sam L.] "..allright, in this game, Sam L. has to make up a song about Çheetah here.." [Çheetah gives Sam `five', makes the Black Power sign & sits down ] Çheetah!: "what it is.." [GL continues] "..and Sam, I want you to make up a song about Çheetah, and I want you to do it in the style of.. Peter Wolf.." [Sam L. crosses his eyes] "..Otay!" [Max Rebo & the Sith Bith start up a fast-tempo, heavy synth melody, then Sam L. goes into `FilkMode' as Peter Wolf and starts singing:] "All day long he holds it back, -back with all his might, -he carries a burnin' torch inside, -and he holds it firm & tight, -He punches out the trolls, -while they try punchin' out his lights, -he's a flame-thrower, -red-hot poster, -flame-thrower at night.. -The things that he flames trolls with, -they land hard and leave a bruise, -they have their fits, -cry "it ain't right!", -though that ain't "front-page" news... -But when his flames are done, -and the trolls cry thru the nite, -his tag-lines smash, -the troll's brain-knack, -then the troll has no more fight.." [Guiness, Oz & Hamill all start `getting Jiggy' with it] "RASSM'ers in this group, (woah!) -will start to roll their eyes, -the insults that they envisioned, -weren't quite the kind he tries, -`Sorry' ..he won't state, -then sud-denly he contem-plates, -that he'll stay oh-so humble, -with those who know him well..." "He's a flame.." [the players chorus] "..fla-a-a-ame.." "..flame-thrower, -He's the flame-thrower at night ti-i-ime.. "He's throws flames.." [the players chorus] "..fla-a-a-ame.." "a USE-NET terror... He's a flame-thrower at night-t-t-t.." "Do not think you're burnin', -like a candle at both ends? -Maybe you should `pologize, -to make up some amends.. -But if you think you're fire-proof -so cool & much-too-much, -don't dare to mess with Çheetah, -`cause he'll melt you with his touch.." [Gl & Çheetah - start `gettin Jiggy' with it] "He'll forgo the doctor, -He'll forget your name, -he'll aim straight at your heart, -and pump insults through your veins..." [the audience starts `gettin Jiggy' with it] "He's that bitch on USENET, -you never can control, -he's the only reason, -that knows just *how* to flame trolls.. "He's a flame.." [the players chorus] "..fla-a-a-ame.." "..flame-thrower, -He's the flame-thrower at night ti-i-ime.. "He's throws flames.." [the players chorus] "..fla-a-a-ame.." "a USE-NET terror... He's a flame-thrower at night-t-t-t.." "He's a flame.." [the players chorus] "..fla-a-a-ame.." "..flame-thrower, -He's the flame-thrower at night ti-i-ime.. [Music fades off, Sam L. gives Çheetah a `high five', Çheetah gives him `back Ten' for change & returns to seat, the audience and the players sit back down] [GL pirouhettes & sit's down] "All-right! That's 5000 points for Sam L., and 3260 points for Çheetah, who be kewl... Now for a word from our sponsors!" ***START COMMERCIAL BREAK*** {voice of Lucas starts, while blaster-action scenes from the SW movies start flashing across screen} "Does the constant burn & itch of Hemmorroids tend to get you down? {shot of DS2 reactor blowing up & the MF being chased by the impending firestorm flashes onto the screen} "..that constant nagging sensation has made more than one movie-goer miss an important SW scene, by forcing him to scratch his orifice in the Lobby - get to you at the most inopportune moments?" {Exterior shot of DS2 exploding while Lando screams "YEEEHAWWWWW"} "..and it makes you want to scream out loud? Well, now there's help.. INTRODUCING `Preparation THX'!! ..This fantastic new ointment, from the very same people who brought you THX, THX Dolby & the spectacular SW CGI effects, will completely FREE you, from that annoying, itchy, and burning sensation, for up to 2 hours per application.. Imagine, never having to put the SE's on `pause' while you attend to a bit of rectal scratching... Try it TODAY!" {scene changes to Hoth, and Luke hanging in the Ice Cave} "Cool off those hemmorroid blues, with new Preparation THX today! ..if it can make a Hutt happy, imagine what it'll do for you.." {scene changes to Jabba going `hoo-hoo-hoo'..} > --next commercial-- {another GL voiceover - TPM scenes start flashing by} The Phantom Menace, the movie which continues the fine Star Wars saga, is now *re-released* in a theater near you! ..Go see it, again & again! {THX, LucasFilm logo's flah on & fade} ***END COMMERCIAL BREAK*** [GL stops mooning Guiness & sits back down] "OK, welcome back to `Whose Star Wars line is it anyway' - our next game is called `weird newscasters', and it's for all four of you, with Mark & Frank being the Anchor Persons, after Mark intro's the news show, Frank will be a Dyslexic Jedi Master, Sam L. - you'll play the Weather Person, who thinks that he's an ultra-cool Private Detective, stuck in the 70's, and Alec, you'll play the Sportscaster, who also happens to be a foot-fetishist with an obsessive desire for Frank.. [Frank slaps his forehead, Sam L. fluffs up his `Fro, and Guiness moistens his eyebrows] ..Mark, you may begin upon the musical cue from Max Rebo & his little Bith butt-buddy, hehehe.." [Cue news intro w/voiceover] Hamill: "Hi, I'm `Justin Deep-DooDoo' and this is the Anchorhead Evening News.. Next to me is my co-anchor `You-OdaBee InPicturez' and here now is our top story... Authorities today are currently investigating the untimely & suspicious death of the world-famous Sarlacc of Carkoon (glancing at Sam L.) which incidently, is not related to - or even associated with any other kind of SW `coon'.. [Sam L. get's an intense look] ..the Sarlacc, which has been the mainstay of the Tatooine Visitor and Tourist Resources Bureau - was discovered to be dead, yesterday after some Alderaanian tourist accidently fell off of a Tourist Barge into it's open beak, only to appear a moment later unmolested." Oz: "..fortunate, was she.. being dead, the Sarlacc was - for unfortunate her accident could have been, if alive was it..." Hamill: "..there was evidence of foul play, as there happened to be an empty, burnt-out Sail Barge in close proximity to the Sarlacc, which is Registered to one Jabba-du-Hutt, a local mobster who is currently missing.. although the Investigators are not releasing much information about the death, it is this reporters opinion that the Sarlacc `bloated' itself to death, after having consumed the massive bulk of the Hutt gangster.. We will keep you posted as more information becomes available.." Oz: "..Judge the Sarlacc's death by Jabba's size do you? ..hmmm? ..And well you should, as the Fork is it's ally - and powerful the way of the fork be, young `DooDoo'.. as must it be, if Hutt you we're to consume.. ..yesss.." Hamill: "what-ev-er.. Now onto the Weather forecast with our Weather guy `Shaft-less Sam'..." Sam L.: ".Thank you ..Honky MothaFucka.. todays forecast will be ..hot.. it's beeen hotta than the ho's in Ancho'Head, it's always gonna BE hotta than the ho's in Ancho'Head, and like most of the ho's in Ancho'Head, it's gonna be mo' hotta than that ole' Skywalker ho, Beru.. that bitch nevah makes the tips a Ancho'Head ho' should make... Back to you, whitebread.." Hamill: "..OK.. Shaft-less.. Here's my wallet, with the plush junglebunny fur-lining.. please don't shoot me.." Oz: "Just in, this be... Jackson Jesse, the Reverend called he is, contacted us ..moments ago of few, desist - the slang, demands he.. or judgement, we shall face - in slander court thus.." Hamill: "?!? ..what the hell was that? ..oh, nevermind.." Oz: "Impatient, your question was.. Jedi, now you be? ..hmmm?" Hamill: "..and now for the Sports update, we go to `Ben ToeSwallower' with today's highlights..." Guiness: "..Thank You, Puke.. the Mos Eisley MudHens threw clods at the Mos Espa Mammy-Jammers self-esteem today, during the final playoff game of the Southern Bocce-Ball Division, by a score of 342 to 12.5.. and `speaking' of Scoring, I just want to say that `Yo's' toes are just making me salivate right this instant, wiggling in those cute little sandals.. just when we gonna hook up, `ya tease?" Oz: "Strong, the force may be.. but Strong Enough, the Force never will be - for upchuck to prevent from happening, everytime ..say that by you.. ohhhhh!" Guiness: "C'mon, you know you really *want* it... Do a Brit Knight a favor..." Hamill: "Well, that's all the time we have tonight, goodnight - and don't let your nightmares glorify our Sportscaster..." [Camera pans left to GL, who's scratching himself *somewhere* under the host desk] "..hahaha.. Nicely done, everyone... That's another 1000 points for Mark, Frank & Alec, - and 100,000 points to Sam L., for having the good grace to not kill Mark... We'll return after these messages from our sponsor.." ***START COMMERCIAL BREAK*** {voiceover of Lucas, again} "Transportation for our players this week, was gratiously furnished by: the Harrison Ford Smuggler Transportation company, a sub-division of Illegal Cargoes Incorporated - with District offices in every major city and/or fleshpot near you..." ***END COMMERCIAL BREAK*** GL: "Welcome back to `who's Star Wars line is it anyway?' ..our winner tonight is Samuel L. Jackson, who get's to sit back & watch while Mark, Frank & Alec have to perform WITH ME! ..this performance will be ..Four-Headed Jizz Do-Whopper.. with the assistance of Max Rebo & the Bith of the Sith.. For those of you just tuning in, the way this game is played is Mark, Frank, Alec & myself will sing a song as if this we're a Bothan Play - and we are some 4-headed alien.. now what we need from the audience is the name of a play..." [Audience yells out] "Ain't Misbehavin!" - "Hutt's on ice!" - "LipSyncing Gundarks!" - "Shave your Wookiee!" GL: "..`Shave your Wookiee' it is! ..and the name of the Song that we'll sing?" [Audience yells out] "Howlin' for you!" - "GuitarZan!" - "Furry Bushes!" - "Hair stuck in my Teeth!" GL: "..`Hair stuck in my Teeth' it is! with the help of Max & the Bith of the Sith, we'll begin.." [Cue Music] Hamill: "I've.." GL: "..got.." Frank: "..hair.." Alec: "..stuck.." Hamill: "..in.." GL: "..my.." Frank: "..teeth.." Alec: "..it's.." Hamill: "..curly.." GL: "..and.." Frank: "..sho-o-o-o-orttt.." Alec: "..I.." Hamill: "..didn't.." GL: "..have.." Frank: "..it.." Alec: "..befor-r-r-r-re.." Hamill: "..I.." GL: "..munched.." Frank: "..yo-o-o-ou.." Hamill: "I've.." GL: "..got.." Frank: "..hair.." Alec: "..stuck.." Hamill: "..in.." GL: "..my.." Frank: "..teeth.." Alec: "..and.." Hamill: "..it's.." GL: "..just.." Frank: "..like.." Alec: "..the.." Hamill: "..hair.." GL: "..I.." Frank: "..found.." Alec: "..in.." Hamill: "..your.." GL: "..sho-o-o-o-rts.." Frank: "..why.." Alec: "..am.." Hamill: "..I.." GL: "..finding.." Frank: "..these.." Alec: "..pubes?" Hamill: "..by.." GL: "..a.." Frank: "..Wookiee.." Alec: "..who's.." Hamill: "..shaven.." GL: "..as.." Frank: "..smooth.." Alec: "..as.." Hamill: "..yourself?" GL: "..are.." Frank: "..they.." Alec: "..your's?" Hamill: "..or.." GL: "..did.." Frank: "..they.." Alec: "..shed.." Hamill: "..off.." GL: "..from.." Frank: "..some.." Alec: "..whore?" {Audience applauds & gives standing ovation} GL: "..HAHAHA.. Thank You.. Stay tuned for more `Whose Star Wars line is it anyway?' after these brief messages!" ***CUE COMMERCIALS*** -- =) > 8========##<^>##========8 >>>>------> {Çheetah} > 8========##<^>##========8 ...Gee, I hope this formatted right this time...