Archive VII

• What me worry my Shaven Wookie?
  
• You bet your Wookie he's shaven.
  --Attributed to Groucho Marx
  
• Shave and a haircut, two Wookies.
  
• "Shave your Wookie with a rusty razor,
  shave your Wookie with a rusty razor,
  shave your Wookie with a rusty razor,
  early in the morning."
  --old sailor's song
  

• I propose another strategy, Artoo.....let the Wookie shave!
  --attributed to C-3PO
  
• God shave the Wookie!
  

• Would a Shaven Wookie stand out at Bike Week?
  

• "Look I so old to you? Shave your Wookie I will!"
  --Yoda
  
• "Sir, I need more Wookie shavers."
  --Moff Jerjerrod
  
• Darth Maul: When Shaven Wookies go bad...
  
• I never got his name, but that stranger shaved many Wookies.
  
• Trust not the Wookies when they come bearing hair.
  
• Waiter, there's a Shaven Wookie in my soup!
  

• It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're shaving a Wookie.
  --From the rough draft of The Blues Brothers
  

• Veni, Vedi, Veshaved (translation: We came, we saw, we shaved)
  --Cewbaclius Wooksear
  
• Hey, Razor, Leave them Wooks alone!
  --Pink Wookie
  
• On your Mark ready set lets go
  barbershop pro
  I know you know I go psycho
  when my Wookie shaves
  I can't behave
  gotta get shaven with it, I raves
  now Wookie Wookie come buy
  a B I C why?
  cuz you gotta try
  to shave it shave it.....
  --Early draft of Gettin Jiggy Wit It
• Absolut Shaven Wookie
  

• "There's nothing quite like a freshly shaved Wookie!"
  --Dr. Evil, Austin Powers
  
• "Bald, you are. Use the razor you did."
  --Yoda, to a Shaven Wookie
  

• Envision a Shaven Wookie Podracing
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie riding a Kaadu
  

• That's not a Shaven Wookie, that's a space station!
  

• A loaf of bread, a bottle of wine, and a Shaven Wookie
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie modeling lingerie.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie at a luau
  
• "...and when Shaven Wookie gets angry, PEOPLE DIE!!!"
  --Dr. Evil
  

• Eat, drink, and be hairy, for tomorrow we shave!
  

• The razor's up the hair is gone, the finaly shaved me, the Wookie that had it made, shaved for a bounty.
  

• Of all the Wookies, in all the world she had to shave mine.
  

• The former theme song to Red Dwarf:
  It's cold outside, there's no kind of Wookie hair
  I'm all shaven, more or less
  Let me shave far away from here
  fun fun fun in the sun sun sun
  I want to lie hairless and freezing cold
  drinking French hair tonic
  goldfishes nibbling at bare toes
  fun fun fun in the sun sun sun
  

• Envision a Shaven Wookie doing the limbo
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie motorcycle gang
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie in a tube top
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie in a Lay-Z-Boy recliner
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie getting a wedgie
  

• A Shaven Wookie is for life, not just for Christmas
  

• I will not shave a Wookie that will lead us to war.
  --Queen Amidala
  
• Always two there are. Wookie and Shaven Wookie
  --Yoda
  
• I cannot shave a Wookie for you, I can only protect you.
  --Qui-Gon
  
• Luke, I Shaved your Wookie.
  --Vader
  
• NO! Don't Shave the Wookie, we've already tried.
  What an incredible Wookie you've Shaved
  --Lines edited out from the Trash Compactor scene
  
• Nice shave kid, that was one in a million
  --Han Solo
  
• I grow tired of asking, so this will be the last time. Shave the Wookie - where is the Old Spice?
  --Grand Moff Tarkin
  
• You Shaved that thing? You're braver than I thought.
  --Leia
  

• Romeo Romeo where for art thou Romeo,........ rowr arrr raar ......... what the heck was that, ohh it's Shaven Wookie, he's my real Romeo.
  --Outtake from Romeo & Juliet
  
• Hey, your Wookie looks like a walking carpet...you need to shave it!
  
• But he asks the impossible. I need more Shaven Wookies.
  --Rough draft of Return of the Jedi
  

• I love the smell of Shaven Wookie in the morning.
  --Apocalypse Now
  
• The royal Wookie is shaved.
  --Coming To America
  

• Take two Shaven Wookies into the shower?!? Not me, I shave my Wookie and go!
  

• If a Shaven Wookie is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
  --Confucius
  
• Reach out and touch a Shaven Wookie.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie as an acrobat.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie participating in synchronized swimming.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie that neglected to shave its bikini line.
  
• Our product works great on all Shaven Wookies. The wax is all natural, and gentle enough for Shaven wookies with sensitive skin.
  --Late-Night Infomercial

• You may take our hearts, but you will never take our Shaven Wookie.
  --From the rough draft of Braveheart
  
• A Shaven Wookie is for like, not just for Christmas.
  
• Bring me the finest Shaven Wookies available to man.
  --From the rough draft of Whitnail and I
• Alas poor Wookie, for I shaved him well." --Shakespeare
  
• Did you see the size of his Shaven Wookie?!?

• Envision a Shaven Wookie in the Brasilian Carnaval.
  
• Envision four Shaven Wookies poker.
  
• Envision a group of Shaven Wookies swimming at your pool.
  

• At last we will have revenge. At last we will reveal ourselves as Wookie shavers.
  --From the rought draft of The Phantom Menace
  
• Ode to the Wookie
  Go Wookie!
  Go Wookie!
  Shave yourself
  you hairy Wookie!
  
  (chorus)
  Shave, Shave, Shave
  Wookie gonna Shave
  
• *knock* *knock*
  Who's there?
  Wookie
  Wookie who?
  Shaven Wookie
  
• *knock* *knock*
  Who's there?
  Shave
  Shave who?
  The Wookie
  

• Shaven Wookies meet Trainspotting, the relinquishing junk scene:
  Shaving a Wookie. Stage one, preparation. For this you will need 1 barber shop which you will not leave. Soothing music. Gillette, 10 cans of. Razors, 8 packets of, for removing hair. Plasters, 1 box of. One chair. One bucket for hair, one for cream, one for water. One bottle of old spice, which I've already procured from my mother, who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way, also a Wookie shaver....
  
• Choose a razor, choose a Wookie. Choose shaving foam for sensitive fur. Choose a big bottle of aftershave.
  

• You know it has gone too far when Wookie shaving becomes an Olympic event.
  

• "I've seen Shaven Wookies that you people would'nt believe humpfh... Attacked Shaven Wookies on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched a Shaven Wookie glitter in the dark near the Tanhouser Gates. All those Shaven Wookies will be lost in time, like Shaven Wookies in rain. Time to die..."
  --From Blade Runner, The Directors "Cut"
  

• Got Hair?
  
• Did you shave your Wookie today?
  --Long lost ad campaign for McDonalds
  
• "Look boss, de Shaven Wookie, de Shaven Wookie!"
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie with razor nicks that are covered by small pieces of toilet paper.
  

• Peasant: We've shaved a Wookie, may we burn her
  Sir Bedevere: Bring her forward.
  Wookie:I'm not a Wookie! I'm not a Wookie!
  Sir Bedevere: But you are shaved as one.
  --Early draft of Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  
• ..."and, as a special guest opening band for Metallica, we present... THE SHAVEN WOOKIES!!!!!"
  
• "Are you the police?"
  "No ma'am, we're Shaven Wookies.
  --Early draft of the Dragnet
• "Is this the real life, or just shaving Wookies..."
  --Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
• "There can be only one Shaven Wookie."
  --Connor MacWookie, of the clan MacWookie
  
• "Wookie. Shaven Wookie."
  --Rough draft of The Wookie Who Shaved Me

• Shaven Wookies of all countries unite!
  
• Sigmund Freud's analysis of a Shaven Wookie: "by getting rid of their most typical characteristic the patient refuses to grow up, fails to accept its hairy sexuality and proves it hasn't yet solved its Oedipus Conflict with his parents, who were Ewoks".
  
• "All wars would end if we managed to send Shaven Wookie ambassadors to the field."
  --Attributed to Kofi Razor Annan.
  

• yessir, I've been to Kashyyyk
  yeesir, I've been around
  but their ain't no place
  in the whole of space
  like that Shaven Wookie town
  

• Envision a Shaven Wookie stuck in the tree in your yard.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie figure skater.
  
• Today on Jenny Jones: Shaven Wookies, and the people who love them.
  

• How many Wookies could a Shaven Wookie shave if a Shaven Wookie could shave Wookies...
  As many Wookies as a Shaven Wookie could shave if a Shaven Wookie could Shave Wookies...
  
• I've got a lovely bunch of Shaven Wookies,
  there they are a sitting in the tub,
  shaving cream, razors, and lots and lots of stubble...
  --To the tune of "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts"
  

• The names Wookie....Shaven Wookie.
  
• I like my Wookies shaven, not trimmed.
  

• Shave shave shave, shave shave shave, shave your Wookie, shave your Wookie.
  --To the tune of "Shake Your Booty"
  
• I'm Popeye the sailor man, I shave all the Wookies I can. If he is hairy he just might look scary. I'm Popeye the sailor man, toot toot.
  
• Ahh ahh ahh ahh, shaven alot, shaven alot.
  --To the tune of "Stayin' Alive"
  
• We wish you would shave your Wookie, we wish you would shave your Wookie, we wish you would shave your Wookie, and a hairy new year.
  --To the tune of "We Wish You A Merry X-Mas"
  
• Shave it baby one more time
  --To the tune of "Hit Me Baby One More Time"
  
• It will wear you out, shavin' a hairy Wookie. --To the tune of "La Vida Loca"
  
• Hey now, your a Wookie get your razor, go shave. --To the tune of "All Star"
  
• Let me shave my Wookie, (*ehhek* *ehhek*!)
  --To the tune of "Let Me Clear My Throat"
  

• Shaved I am the wrath
  Taking a long bath
  Gone is my fur
  I've got razor burns
  --What happens when Rob Zombie's Wookie has to shave.
  
• "It's not shaved, it's pining for the fjords."
  "It's not pining, it's SHAVED!" Hairless! Gone to join the Choir Furless!"
  --Outtake from a Monty Python skit.
  

• Wookies?! We don't need no Shaven Wookies!
  

• Envision a Shaven Wookie sporting the cut of a poodle.
  

• Honey, I shaved a Wookie!
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie as a cheerleader.
  
• Go ahead punk, shave my Wookie
  
• You must shave the mightiest Wookie in the forest....with a herring!
  

As I Pass through my incarnations in every age and race,
I make my proper prostrations to the Wookies of the Market-Place.
Peering through reverent fingers I watch them flourish and fall.
And the Wookies that have been shaven, I notice, outlast them all.

We were living in trees when they met us. They showed us each in turn
That Water would certainly wet us, and a dull razor would certainly burn:
But we found them lacking in razors, lather, or cologne of any kind ,
So we left them to teach the Gorillas while we followed the March of Mankind.

We moved as the Spirit listed. They never altered their pace,
Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Wookies of the Market Place;
But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come
That the Wookies had shaven their hair of, and that they hadn't gone home

With the Hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out of touch,
They denied that Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch.
They denied that Wishes were Horses: they denied that a Pig had Wings.
So we worshipped the Wookies of the Market Who promised these beautiful things.

When the Cambrian measures were forming, they promised perpetual peace.
They swore, if we gave them our razors, that the hair on the Wookies would cease.
But when we disarmed they sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,
And the Wookies of the Copybook Headings said:'Stick to the furball you know."

On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised a hair free Life
(Which started by lathering our neighbor and ended by shaving his wife)\
Till our women had no more stubble and the men lost hair on their face
And the Wookies of the Copybook Headings said:"The Wookies with hair have bad breath."

In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;
But, though we had plenty of razors, there was nowhere our razors could glide,
And the Wookies of the Copybook Headings said: "If you don't shave you die."

Then the Wookies of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-shaven wizards withdrew,
And the hearts of the hairiest were humbled and began to believe it was true
That All is not smooth that is shaven, and Two and Two make Four --
And the Wookies of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.

As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man --
There are only four things certain since Wookie shaving began --
That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;

And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins
When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins,
As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Razors can burn,
The hair on a Shaven Wookie, if not kept up will return.