Archive VIII

Man it’s a hot one...
Like severe itching from the midday sun..
I hear the stubble whisper, like everyone..
But mine stays so cool..

My Wookinita,
my Space-Bound hairy Wookarisa..
You're my reason for the season..
While there's itch in your groove..

--chorus--
And if you say - this shave ain’t good enough..
I agree this stubble's - a bit too rough..
It could change - your life,
..to `better' your Wook's mood..
Cause mine's shaved ..so.. smooth..

And just like the razor-stubble itch, under the moon..
Well that is the same irritation, that you give your Wook..
I've got some silky soothin' lotion, that feels so smooth..
Give some a try, give it a feel..
Or else forget about it..
--chorus--

I’ll tell you one thing..
If you deny him, it's a crying shame..
In every breath & every word, I hear your Wook
- cussing you, out..
Out in the sec-tor, you hear the growls of the Wookie's roar..
You feel the burning of his ire, so soft and slow..
Turning your head - round and round..

--chorus--
And if you say - this shave ain’t good enough..
I agree this stubble's - a bit too rough..
It could change - your life,
..to `better' your Wook's mood..
Cause mine's shaved ..so.. smooth..

And just like the razor-stubble itch, under the moon..
Well that is the same irritation, that you give your Wook..
I've got some silky soothin' lotion, that feels so smooth..
Give some a try, give it a feel..
Or else forget about it..
--chorus--

• I suggest a new strategy R2, let the Wookie have the Nair..
  --Threepio
• It's not wise to tweeze a Wookie... Nor is it wise to use a dull razor..
• "To boldly shave, what no one has dared shave before.." --Shaved T. Wook
• "Y'see, there's two sides to every razor, a sharp side, and a dull side.. I got stubbed with the dull side.."
  --Dark Hairball
• tis said that a Shaven Wookie fears only TWO things - Wall-to-Wall Velcro, & 5'oclock Shadow, they are mutually inclusive, however..
  
• Never get a Shaven Wookie's dandruff up...
  
• ..careful Chewie, I think that bucket is full of Aqua Velva..
  

• At last we will shave our Wookies,at last we have revenge
  -- Darth Maul
  
• The death tolls are catastrophic. You must shave your Wookie.
  -- Bibble
  
• I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to shave our Wookies.
  -- Queen Amidala
  
• Meesa no like Shavun Wookies.
  -- Jar Jar Binks
  
• Yoosa shaved my Wookie!
  -- Jar Jar Binks
  
• Mooie-Mooie, you shaved my Wookie again! -- Jar Jar Binks
  
• I can sense that this boy will shave many Wookies, Why can't you?
  -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
  

• Shaven Wookies save on shampoo!
  
• Shaven Wookies save on combs!
  
• Shaven Wookies spend on sunblock!
  
• Shaven Wookies won't get tan lines. Made ya look!
  
• Shaven Wookies don't need hair curlers.
  
• Shaven Wookies don't need hair dye.
  
• So what *is* under all that Wookie fur?
  
• Do hairy Wookies make fun of Shaven Wookies in the locker room?
  
• Does a Shaven Wookie get an R rating? Remember, they're not wearing any pants!
  

• With my Spear and Magic Hewmet, I will Shave the Wookie!
  
• What have I done...I have shaved the Wookie! Poor wittle cweature, poor wittle Wookie!
  --Original draft of WB Cartoon What's Opera, Doc?
  

• Ask not what your Wookie can shave on you, but what you can shave on your Wookie!
  --JFK
  
• You were right about one thing Master, the Wookies were clean shaven.
  --Obi-Wan
  
• Kashyyyk - The sound of a Wookie shaven
  

• Envision a Shaven Wookie singing along to the Spice Girls.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie performing Riverdance.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie riding a little tricycle with a leather jacket and sunglasses on.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie being chased by men in black.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie acting like Tom Jones.
  

• BawDagobah buh bang a dang Lukie, Lukie, Jar Jar Stepped in Bantha Dookie, c'mon SHAVE THE WOOKIE!
  --Kid Rock, the early years
  

Hairlessness (Parody of H.P. Lovecraft's Nemesis)

Through the ghoul-guarded gateways of bathrooms,
Past the badly lighted hotel rooms of night,
I have shaved o'er my legs without number,
I have shaved all things within my sight;
And I have stubble and cuts ere the daybreak, being
driven to hairlessness with fright.
I have shaved with the earth at the dawning,
When the sink was empty and clean;
I have seen the dark drains yawning
Where the black hairs vanish without aim,
Where they vanish in their horror unheeded, without
knowledge or lustre or name.
I had drifted o'er bathwater without ending,
Under sinister grey-clouded tiles
That the many-forked lighting is rending,
That resound with hysterical cries;
With the moans of invisible rubber duckys that out
of the hair filled waters rise.
I have plunged like a tick through the arches
Of the hairy primoridal grove,
Where the hairs feel the presence that marches
And stalks on where no spirit dares rove,
And I flee from a thing that surrounds me, and leers
through dead hairballs above.
I have shaved by hair-ridden moles
That rise barren and bleak from my skin,
I have shaved by the frog-foetid fountains
That ooze down to the marsh and the main;
And in hot cursed tarns I have shaved things I care not
to shave again.
I have shaved in the vast ivy-clad palace,
I have shaved in its untenanted hall,
Where the moon rising up from the valleys
Shows the hairless things on the wall;
Strange figurres discordantly shaved, that I cannot
endure to recall.
I have peered from the bathtubs in wonder
At the hairy meadows around,
At the many-roofed village laid under
The curse of a grave-girdled ground;
And from rows of white urn-carven sinks I listen
intently for sound.
I have haunted the bathrooms of the ages,
I have shaved on the pinions of fear
Where the hair-belching Erebus rages;
Where the bald people loom hairless and drear:
And in realms where the use of the Nair consumes
what it never can shave.
I was old when the pharaohs first shaved
On the jewel-decked throne by the Nile;
I was hairless in those epochs uncounted
When I, and I only, was smooth;
And Man, yet untainted and hairy, dwelt in bliss on
the far Artic isle.
Oh, great was the hairlessness of my spirit,
And great is the reach of its razor;
Not the pity of Hair can cheer it,
Nor can respite be found in the bathroom:
Down the infinite aeons come beating the razors of
unmerciful gloom.
Through the ghoul-guarded gateways of bathrooms,
Past the badly lighted hotelrooms of night,
I have shaved o'er my legs without number,
I have shaved all things within my sight;
And I have stubble and cuts ere the daybreak, being
driven to hairlessness with fright.

• "Wake up, time to shave a Wookie"
  --Blade Runner
  
• "Carry on shaving that Wookie"
  --The next carry on film
  
• "What do U want to shave today"
  --Microsoft's Kashyyyk campaign
  
• "He's not the messiah. He's a very naughty Shaven Wookie so Piss off!!!"
  --Monty Python out-take
  
• Envision a nightclub packed with Shaven Wookies!
  
• "Oh yes my Wookies are shave
  I had them all shaven today"
  --To the tune of Yes, we have no bananas
• "And the Lord said let there be Wookies and behold there was and they were mighty and they were shaven." --Extract from The Bible
• Envision a Shaven Wookie playing with its lightsaber.
  

• Shave a Wookie and a Wookie is clean shaven. Teach a Wookie to shave...
  
• "Shavin'" (to the tune of "Truckin'")
  What in the world ever became of Chewbacca?
  He lost his whiskers, you know he isn't the same
  Livin' on Schicks, Old Spice For Men and cocaine
  All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shave? "
  

• I'm a shaving Wookie I am
  Shaven Wookie I am, I am
  I found me a bic next door
  it has shaved seven times before
  and everyone used to be so very hairy
  but now they're all stubble and nicked
  cause I'm a Shaven Wookie I am
  Shaven Wookie I am I am
  Shaven Wookie I am....
  (second Wookie, same as the first
  a little bit hairier and whole new bic...)
  
• "Can I tell you a secret? I see Shaven Wookies."
  --Original line from The Sixth Sense
• "he's back...the Shaven Wookie"
  "the Shaven Wookie doesn't actually shave, what it does is use a set of hedge clippers to create a very fine cut without running the risk of razor burn..."
  "where's it been for the last seven years?"
  "probably upgrading to a chainsaw...."
  --Original script from Event Horizon
• "yeah! a USW! unidentified Shaven Wookie!"
  --Director James Cameron originally intended for the aliens in The Abyss to be Shaven Wookies until he discovered that shaving the Wookies was too expensive for the movie's budget.
• "I see your Wookie is as big as mine...now let's see how well you shave it!"
  --Dark Helmet's original line in Spaceballs
• "careful you idiot! I said to trim that Wookie, not shave it!!!"
  "sorry sir, doning my best..."
  "who made that man a barber?!?"
  "i did sir, he's my cousin"
  "who is that?!?!"
  "he's a shaver, sir..."
  "i know that! what's his name?"
  "that is his name, sir... MAJOR SHAVER..."
  "...and his cousin..????"
  "he's a shaver too, sir. gunner's mate first class Phillip Shaver"
  "how many shaver's we got on this ship anyhow?!?!?"
  "YO!!!!!"
  "i knew it, i'm surrounded by shavers....
  KEEP SHAVING, SHAVERS!!!!"
  --Cut Scene from Spaceballs
• the first rule of fight club is... you do not shave any ewoks.
  the second rule of fight club is... YOU DO NOT SHAVE ANY EWOKS!
  the third rule of fight club is... no bics or norelcos
  the fourth rule of fight club is...one shaven at a time, gentlemen.
  the fifth rule of fight club is... shaves will go on AS LONG AS THEY HAVE TO.
  the sixth rule of fight club is...someone taps out, goes bald, the shave is over.
  the seventh rule of fight club is... {cant remember this one}
  and the eighth and final rule of fight club is... if this is your first night at fight club, you have to shave a Wookie."
  --Original Fight Club rules

• "Ow, you shaved my Wookie you, a-hole."
  --Dr. Evil, to Austin Powers
• Envision a Shaven Wookie swinging on a vine.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie disco dancing.
  
• Envision a team of Artoo units shaving a Wookie.
  
• I am fluent in over six million forms of Wookie shaving.
  --Threepio, to Owen Lars

• Three Lady Bics for La Leche League under their pits,
  Seven Schicks for the Rastafarians with their dreaded locks
  Nine cans of Nair for Hirsute Hippies doomed to dye
  One for Chewbacca on his Millenium throne
  At Five o'Clock where the Shadow lies.
  One Wookie to rule them all, One Wookie to find them,
  One Wookie to bring them all and in the Sith Lord bind them
  At Five o'Clock where the Shadow lies.
  
• "Ich bin ein Shaven Wookie."
  --John F. Kennedy
  

• I shaved my Wookie for this?!?
  

• "Governor Tarkin, I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. I should have known I'd find you shaving vader's Wookie."
  --Leia, From an early draft of ANH
• Envision a Shaven Wookie lying on a towel at the beach while wearing a thong.
  
• Scully: "Oh my god, Mulder--it looks like...I think it's a Shaven Wookie."
  Mulder: "How can I get it off me without betraying my cool exterior?"
  
• Will a Shaven Wookie get into trouble if it uses it's mom's razor?
  
• Envision waking up in the morning to find a bunch of shaven Wookies jumping on the trampoline in your backyard.
  

• Oops...I shaved it again!
  --To the tune of "Oops, I did it Again"
  
• "I am not a Shaven Wookie!"
  --Leia
• "You've never heard of the Shaven Wookie before?"
  --Han, to Obi-Wan and Luke

• Envision a Shaven Wookie running naked through RASSM City.
  

• Envision a Shaven Wookie meeting a shaven gorilla.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie with a bald spot that decided to use Rogaine.
  

• Hell hath no fury like a Wookie shorn...
  

• "...and shave the Wookie nevermore."
  --original last line of "The Raven"
  
• Ba ba ba ba ba
  ba ba ba ba baaa
  The joy of Wookieee
  --original advertising concept for Pepsi
  
• Take-off of "dakidd@intermind.net"'s 'Clue' idea:
  IT WAS LUKE IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE VIBRO-CLIPPERS!!
  
• Oh my God! They shaved Chewie! Bastards!
  
• Itsy bitsy teenie weenie Shaven Wookie in bikini!
  
• "You must first get us another shrubbery! Then, cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a Shaven Wookie!" --The Knights who say Nee
• We want YOU to shave the Wookie
  --original advertising concept for the Army
  
• "In the beginning God created the Wookie and the razor. And it was good."
  --Rough draft of The Bible
  
• Buffy's first job: Wookie Shaving
  
• "The Shaven Wookies are coming! The Shaven Wookies are coming!" --Paul Revere
  
• All I wanna know is: Boxers, briefs, or nothing?
  
• Mach 3: A great stocking stuffer for your Shaven Wookie.
  
• "What is your name?"
  "King Arthur of Camelot."
  "What is your quest?"
  "To seek out the Holy Grail."
  "What is the airspeed velocity of a Wookie?"
  "Well, that depends. Is it a hairy Wookie or a Shaven Wookie?"
  "Uh, I don't know...AAAHHHHHHH!!!"
  --rough draft of Monty Python & The Holy Grail
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie circus.
  
• "Whadda they have in there? Shaven Wookies?"
  --rough draft of Jurassic Park
  
• How many Wooks could a Wook shaver shave if a Wook shaver could shave Wooks?
  
• "Yeah, 'ooo, ahhh', that's how it starts. Then there's running, and..and..and shaving." --rough draft of Jurassic Park II
• "Shaven is as shaven does."
  --Forrest Gump
  
• You might be a redneck if... a Wookie tells you, "you need to shave."
  
• One good thing about Shaven Wookies, says Han, is that they don't smell funny when they come in from the rain.
  
• Ever wonder if any of those Olympic swimmers were really Shaven Wookies?
• You'll never need sandpaper again, come 5 o' clock shadow.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie on Hoth.
  
• Envision a Shaven Wookie in ANY Olympic event.
  
• Wookie, Wookie, Wookie,
  You once were real hair-ay.
  Wookie, Wookie, Wookie,
  I'll shave you all day.
  --original draft of Cartman's 'Dreidel' song

• "Mmm, I mean you no harm."
  --Yoda, brandishing a new Mach 3, and heading towards a Wookie.
  

• What's the difference between a Shaven Wookie and Boris Karloff?
  
• And Oh, let the mighty Moses have a Bic and lead the way... Shall we see a hairy Wookie, shave him...shall we see a Shaven Wookie, embrace him...
  

• You can shave my Wookie, but you can never take my freedom!
  --original draft of Braveheart

• Three Shaven Wookies. One from LA, two from San Francisco.
  --Rough Draft of "Charlie's Angels"
  
• A Shaven Wookie is a thing of beauty.
  
• "You're so vain, I bet you shave your Wookie."
  --Carly Simon
  
• "I shaved it my way."
  --Frank Sinatra
  
• Envision the scene in "Chariots of Fire" with a group of Shaven Wookies running along the beach.
  
• Of all the bars in the world, she had to shave her Wookie in mine.
  

• "If we set our Razors to full Power..."
  "No, there's the risk that we'll nick the Wookie with a short temper, he could destroy half the ship."
  --Rough Draft of "First Contact"
  
• "Are you familiar with physical forms of shaving?" "If you are refering to shaving Wookies, I am fully funtional, programed in multiple techniques."
  "How long has it been since you shaved on?" "8 years, 7 months, 16 days, 4 minutes 22...."
  "Far too long."
  

• JULIET:
  O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy razor and refuse thy shave; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a shaver.
  
  ROMEO [Aside] :
  Shall I hear more, or shall I shave at this?
  
  JULIET:
  'Tis but thy shave that is my enemy; Thou art thyself, though not a Shaven Wookie. What's shaven? it is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, be some other shave! What's in a shave? that which we call a Wookie By any other name would feel as smooth; So Romeo would, were he not Wookie shaved, Retain that dear perfection which he owes Without that shave. Romeo, doff thy shave, And for that shave which is no part of thee Take all myself.
  --Rough draft of "Romeo & Juliet"
  

• "If I can't shave you, I don't want no other Wookie!"
  

• Charlton Heston from Planet of the Apes: "Get your hands off me you damned dirty shaven wookies!!"
• "Live and Let Shave" --James Bond movie title
• "There's no point of living if you can't shave a wookie." --Renard from The World is Not Enough
• In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Wookie shaves tonight! -- to the music from The Lion King

• "Always two there are, a Master and an apprentice."
  "So which one was shaven, the master or the apprentice?"
  
  
• "And now you Highness we will further discuss the shaving of that wookie your friend has..."
  
  
• "That sounds like a shaven wookie in there... I wonder...Hello?" -3P0
  
  
• "He certainly has courage."
  "What good will it do us if he gets his wookie shaved?" -Luke and Leia
  
  
• "Chewie! Get down here she's injured! No wait, shave first, I don't want hair all over the place!" -ROTJ, second draft
  
  
• Envision a shaven wookie used as a paint roller.
  
  
• Envision a shaven wookie tatooed like Darth Maul.
  

• "in space no one can hear you shave a wookie..." Alien take
  
  
• "we're gonna need a bigger razor" Original Jaws idea
  
  
• "you may strike me down darth but i will shave more wookies then you can possibly imagine" Obi wan in his old senile fantasy