Subject: Re: Why is Obi-Wan her only hope? From: chewie@trory.demon.co.uk (James Trory) Date: 1997/07/01 BEN: That boy is our last hope. YODA: No, there is another... [LUKE flies away from Dagobah] BEN: It's Luke I tell 'ya. YODA: 'Tis not! The Princess is our last hope! BEN: With all due respect Master Mucus, it's Luke. YODA: Nope. BEN: It bloody is!! YODA: It isn't!! For 800 years have I trained Jedi! One Jedi have you trained, and lost him you did! BEN: One mistake, that's all. This'll be different. YODA: No. Black card this conversation I have. BEN: Idiot! YODA: White card. I am begging your pardon? BEN: You heard, you... you little freak! YODA: Deeply offended by your words I am, Obi-Wan! Take them back you shall! BEN: Nope. Not until you admit I'm right. YODA: Urrughgghh... looked into the future I have... and right I am!! Heheh hehe hehehehehe. Leia be the one! BEN: Huh?! Let me see... urghishdjhdsf... ha, Luke wins! YODA: No! BEN: Yes! YODA: No! BEN: Yes! YODA: Lightsabers at fifty paces I think. BEN: Sure, you're on. [BEN unclips his lightsaber and ignites it] YODA: Wait... return to my hut I must to retrieve my lightsaber. [YODA disappears and then returns with a rusty old saber] YODA: Ugh... not used these in long time... huhuh... uh... remember I can't how to switch one on... um... bugger! Sod it I shall. Too old am I to fight. Besides, already dead are you. Little point in fighting something with less density than one of my own farts I think. [YODA raises his middle finger to BEN] YODA: Kill myself through sexual exhaustion I shall, and then we must fight - on equal terms. ____________________________________________________________________________ Subject: We would be honoured if you would join us [Was: Re: Why is Obi-Wan her only hope?] Date: Sat, 05 Jul 1997 20:45:38 GMT From: chewie@trory.demon.co.uk (James Trory) I've always wanted to write this, so here is some more: ======================================================================== VADER: We would be honoured if you would join us. [FETT walks to side of Vader as Stormtroopers appear behind the gang] LANDO: I had no choice. They arrived right before you did. I'm sorry. HAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. [Door closes] HAN: So then Darth, where should I sit? VADER: Anywhere you like you slimey pirate scum. HAN: Quite a gentleman, huh wheeze box? [He glances over to FETT who stands behind VADER] HAN: Hey, is that a blaster in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? Only jokin' tin-head, don't worry about it. LANDO: Mr. Skywalker... I mean, Lord Vader, this is Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon... HAN: Yeah, and I did the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs... no really, I did... LANDO: The beautiful Princess Leia... LEIA: Are you looking at me phallus head? LANDO: And the Wookiee Chewbacca. CHEWIE: Nice to make your acquaintance Mr. Vader, and may I also add what a wonderful tailer you must have. Why, that mask is truly devine, and the cape... absolute magic. You must give me some co-ordinates so as I might visit the splendid fellow and get myself my very first pair of pants. [He starts to bellow with laughter] CHEWIE: Oh dear, the anecdotes I could recite to you Mr. Vader of our time on Hoth just a few weeks ago. Why I swear my nuts nearly froze off, what with me being naked in the snow and all... HAN: Okay Chewie, that's enough! CHEWIE: But Han, my dear fellow, I have yet to tell of our extraordinary adventure including the tale about the three armed man and that pot of whipped cream... HAN: CHEWIE!!! Enough already. VADER: Sit down you hairy ape and eat the food. Is he always like this? HAN: He's usually very quiet when the cameras are filming us, but now they're outside filming Luke he goes back to his irritating self. VADER: Luke is here? [HAN frowns] HAN: Heh heh... whoops, I wasn't supposed to say that, was I? [Everyone shakes their heads. HAN frowns again and they start to eat. VADER suddenly roars with anger when he sees what's on the dish] VADER: Ewok stake!!! Who ordered the Ewok stake?!?!?! FETT: Me. Do you have a problem with that? VADER: Yes, I have a problem with that! How on Hoth do I get an Ewok stake through the grill on my mask???? FETT: I'll go and get a blender and a straw! VADER: Dammit, you tin can! I want the soup of the day, with thinly cut toast, and no disintegrations! FETT: As you wish. VADER: The staff, you just can't get the staff. CHEWIE: That really is a shame old boy, because this is very fine indeed. HAN: So then Darth, what's the plan for the day? VADER: When was the last time you went to the dentist? ======================================================================= I can't go on!!! That's enough!