From: lonewolf@ziplink.net (Dark Jedi Maximi) Subject: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 22:52:55 GMT In this episode of AS RASSM TURNS #799, "Just the FAQs, Ma'am" or "The FAQs of Life", a lone newbie takes RASSM city hospital by storm... * * * * * * * * * Max sat quietly, doing his best to look saddened. His father was next to him, weezing heavily. "Why do I have to stay here with him?" Max thought, then he answered himself, "Because I'll look ungrateful if I don't. Man, this hospital is a downer..." * * * * * * * * * Gerthein entered the hospital inconspicuously. He was wearing sunglasses, and was trying to avoid any and all attention being brought to himself. He trotted over to the reception desk. "Rich Handley's room, please." he quietly said to the receptionist. She typed and slowly looked over her computer screen. "Room 237." "Thank you." Gerthein proceeded down the hall way to the elevator. "Sir, visiting hours are over except for family. SIR!" The nurse continued to call out, but Gerthein was gone... * * * * * * * * * Rakelle sat usher down slowly on the hospital cot. usher winced in pain as his butt made contact with the cushion. "Oh, it will be fine, honey." Rakelle said soothingly. he gave her a gruff nod, and tried to lie back. "I'm just really glad you decided to go through with the rebutting surgery. I think it's the best for you." "I wouldn't have done it without you, you know that right?" usher asked. "Of course, dear..." * * * * * * * * * Dark stepped into the hallway of the second floor. He peered around. "This will be great!" he thought "While Barq is at the correctional facility getting me the Bycer scoop, I can see what I can find out straight from the horse's mouth!" Dark casually stepped into room 239. He retreated to the corner bed and placed his ear to the wall. He could hear water running. "Good!" Dark thought, "Now I know when a conversation starts up I'll be able to listen in." Dark took a small mechanical device out of his pocket. It was a bug. He placed the listening mechanism into a wee nook in the corner of the room. "Together, me and Barq are going to have the scoop of the century!" * * * * * * * * * Barq scampered around in the duct work. "MASTER WILL BE HAPPY!" thought Barq primitively, "NO NEWS STORY IN JAIL, ME COME HERE INSTEAD GET BETTER STORY!". He thought he was doing Dark a favor by coming to the hospital because there was no news to be had at the jail. Barq looked through a vent. His small squirrel eyes widened... "OO0! NURSE'S SHOWER!" * * * * * * * * * The doctor continued lecturing. Spiff tried to endure it, but he had heard it numerous times before. "--so very bad for you. You are going to die if you continue taking speed. Look what it did to you this time!" Spiff knew what it had done to him this time. While taking tech support calls, he had a conniption fit and had swallowed the telephone. It had not been a pretty site. "Now, I'm making you stay here overnight until you stop ringing, alright?" the doctor asked. Spiff just nodded and laid back in his bed. "Man, I hate hospitals..." * * * * * * * * * The hospital doors burst open. A panting man was standing there, wearing a bulky overcoat. "Everybody, listen up!" he shouted, catching the attention of most in the reception area, "I am packed full of dynamite!" The man opened his coat, to reveal layers of explosives strapped to the lining of his coat. He was holding the detonator in his hand. "I've got some news for y'all and I want everybody listening!" Everyone was. "Now, damn it, where the hell is the emperor resurrected? AND A STORMTROOPER HITS HIS HEAD FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!" TO BE CONTINUED.... _____________________________________________________________________________ From: Rakelle Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 19:44:59 +0100 As the staff hurriedly began moving those who could be moved, a throng was forming in the lobby, captivated by the newbie and, not the least, the dynamite. Security personnel were gathering around the edged, uncertain what to do next. "C'mon, talk to me! I HAVE TO KNOW!!!" The newbie was cracking. A person in a dark, hooded coat stepped up to the newbie and put her hand on his shoulder. He flinched, and the throng flinched with him. "Listen to me now, ok?" "I HAVE TO KNOW!!!!!!" "Yes, so I heard. Have you ever heard of a FAQ?" The newbie stared dumbly at her. "What's a FAQ?" Total silence fell over the throng. He'd asked The Question?!?!?!! It wasn't true! It was impossible!! The mysterious person continued talking to the newbie in a low voice. A glimmer of understanding appeared on his face. "So that's how it works?" he mumbled. "Yes, there was no stormtrooper hitting his head. It's just an elaborate conspiracy to foil ordinary people like you. Yeah, they made fake images. This runs pretty deep, ya know, and if I were you I wouldn't ask too many questions..." The newbie nodded silently. "Now, you won't need those explosives any more, will you?" "No..." He pulled off the dynamite and handed the explosives to the woman, then calmly walked towards the exit and past a very disturbed-looking Max in a phone booth. 'Man, if he'd just got a *little* further...' he thought. The throng opened up to let the woman through as she carried the dynamite further into the building. "Now, why are we taking the stuff that way instead of out of here?" Spiff muttered, but upon further consideration, even the slightest shot at destroying this hellhole was appealing. Without another word, he stepped out of the doorway and followed the woman as she proceeded past a squirrel stepping out of the nurses' shower with a small gadget in its paw and a bewildered look on its face. As they approached usher's room, the woman slowed down somewhat. 'Rakelle' left the room and ran alongside her, struggling to keep up with the woman's walking pace. Spiff couldn't quite catch what they said, as he was trying not to be discovered. 'Rakelle' suddenly came to a halt. "But you promised I would keep him!" she squealed. "If you want to keep him after making him have that rebuttal, you'll have to deal with it yourself. But ruin my plans again and I'll make you wish you'd never met him..." The woman's voice trailed off. "But you won't take him from me?" the woman laughed at her. "Now what would *I* want him for? As far as I'm concerned, you can keep that one for as long as you want. You can keep Gerthein too if you want to try that. They are of no concern to me anymore, and they have done their part in my plans...and so have you, soon." 'Rakelle' fell back as the woman rushed down the hall. Spiff was forced to stop, wondering if there still was some speed in his system. He couldn't have heard that? Dejected, he returned to his room and waited for the abstinence symptoms to set in. TO BE CONTINUED... ____________________________________________________________________________ From: you@somewhere.intime (usher) Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 20:53:41 GMT Rakelle left. Maybe it was the drugs but she looked kind of fuzzy and she was still wearing those damnable Ewok fur slippers. 'What is it with those things anyhow? Why can't she wear regular shoes like she used to?' A nurse entered, "Dinner time." "Yippee. Hospital food." "Now don't be so glum. You haven't tasted it yet." "I specifically requested no peas." "I'm sorry. You're right. This is for room #237 not #247. My mistake. I'll be right back with yours." "Don't break a sweat." She left and headed down the hall. Rakelle returned looking glum and wringing her hands. As soon as she saw usher was watching her she stilled her hands and put on a happy face. "Are you feeling better?" "Well, you look a little fuzzy." A brief look of shock passed over her face but she quickly suppressed it. "I can't believe I let you talk me into the surgery. I really don't think I needed it, but you were so sure." "Don't worry. You'll be fine in no time, you'll see." "I hope so. What was so urgent in the hall?" "I, uh, saw an old friend and wanted to say 'Hi'." "Do I know this person?" "No. I don't think you ever met her.", she lied. "I've known her since before I met you." "Is she a patient here?" "No. She was visiting a sick 'friend'." "I think I need some time to rest." "Go ahead, I'll be here." "No. I'll be OK. You can go home." "Ok. I'll go home and change. It has been a long day, but I'll be back in a couple of hours." She gets up and heads for the door. "Find some real shoes." "What, dear?" she asks as she turns around. She sees that he is asleep so she turns off the light and slips out the door. She strides as quickly as she can down the hall wondering if her disguise is slipping. _________________________________________________________________________ From: Dark Rendar Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 00:08:29 -0500 On his haunches alone in the darkened room #239, Dark Rendar shifted for what seemed the umpteenth time from one leg to another, trying to work circulation through his cramped body. He was intently listening to his bug that he had planted in Rich Handley's room-- #237, where he was recovering from his horrific assassination attempt. So far, DR had gleaned these facts: Rich was going to live. Rich hated peas, and pudding made him irregular. Yes, indeed, the bomb blast HAD cured him of his flea infestation. The womp-rat business was booming. DR shook his head. He couldn't believe that his luck was this bad... not a single solitary mention of the attack. "Oh, well," he said to himself. "Maybe Barq had a better outing at the Correctional Facility." Suddenly there was a scratching at the door; DR jumped out of his skin at the sound. Rushing over to the peephole, he peered through, but saw no one. He was about to turn away when he heard it again-- a sound like claws scratching wood. Carefully opening the door, he peeked through... and saw Barq out in the hallway, sitting on his derrierre waiting to be admitted. "BARQ!?!" DR almost hollered. "What on earth are you doing here?" The little squirrel scampered in, clutching another listening device in one of his paws. DR looked quizzical. "What's that, little guy? Who did you bug?" Barq proudly held out the earphone for DR to take. Rendar put the instrument in his ear-- and heard running water? And ladies laughing and carrying on? "Barq," DR said, incredulous, "you BUGGED the nurses SHOWER ROOM?" Barq emmitted a happy squeak, clearly expecting to be rewarded. He was in for a surprise, though. DR ranted, "HOW on EARTH is bugging the SHOWERS supposed to get us a big scoop? What are we going to write about, the nurses sexual lives? Why aren't you at the Correctional Facility, where you belong?" Barq wilted, dejected. "OH, it's OK, little guy," DR soothed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's just that--" Rendar paused. Something was coming in over the listening device implanted in his ear. It was his nurse. "I know that he's a marked man and all," she was saying, "but how can you resist all of that money? I know that if I was his heir, I would be thinking about bumping him off. I'd probably slip something lethal into his food..." "Funny you say something like that," another nurse replied. "We had reports of some strange hooded person hanging around the cafeteria today." Pause. "You don't think..." DR gasped, and picked up the other line, the one leading to room 237. All he heard was someone hungrily eating his dinner, peas and all... With a shocked look on his face, he turned to Barq. "Oh, no..." _____________________________________________________________________________ From: gerthein@worldaccess.nl (Gerthein Boersma) Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 14:01:38 GMT "Listen.." Eric Bycer said at the other end of the line. "Listen, Max! I just got of the phone with The Leader. He has information that you are in trouble! It's Happy. He has hired someone to kill you. He has hired Gerthein..". "Well, bleep my bleeping bleepings!" Max interrupted Bycer through his cell phone upon hearing this news. "I've gotta get out of..". "MAX! You ol' son of a Rich! How's it hanging?". Startled, Max turned around. It was.. Gerthein himself! "NO, NOO!! Don't kill me! Waaaah!" Max yelled, then turned around and ran off screaming. "Curious.." Gerthein could only say. He readjusted his sunglasses. With them, his own cell phone, and the suave three-piece suit, Gerthein looked almost officially Cool. He left for Rich Handley's room. * * * Berthein, Gerthein's Evil Twin Brother, stood at the entrance of the RASSM Hospital. So this is where Max is now.. Suddenly, Berthein felt something.. a presence he hadn't felt since... Yes, his twin brother was here! The one that abandoned him so many episodes ago. The one he was going to frame for the murder of Max, to get his revenge (in addition of Happy's payment). But now *he* was also here, and that would mean that maybe the revenge would be different. Yes, that would mean a confrontation.. Maybe not in this episode, but soon... * * * Room 237. This was it. Gerthein walked in, finding Rich lying in his hospital-bed, an impatient- looking nurse at his side. "Look, Mr. Handley," the nurse said "I know you don't care for this particular type of vegetable, but they're good for you and will aid in your recovery. All we are saying, is give peas a chance!". Yet Rich continued to shake his head, until he noticed Gerthein standing in the door-opening. "Well, if it isn't The Stupendous Yuppy!", Rich said mockingly. The nurse turned around to reprimand Gerthein, but before she could say anything Rich told her "..it's alright. He's cool. And when I say that, it's official, dontcha know?". "Just eat all your food." The Nurse said just before leaving, "The pudding too. I don't care if it makes you irregular.". "Gerthie me boy!" Rich spoke warmly after the nurse had left, "Haven't seen you since episode #769, 'Good plot, bad plot'. Back in town, eh? How ya doin'?" "Well, other than the fact that I just fell thirteen floors down from a flagpole at the R.C.F., I'm fine." Gerthein quipped, "At least.. better than you! Heheh!". Rich sadly nodded, "Oy! That car-bomb was awful! The blast cured me of my flea-infestation, but this is far worse. And the hospital food is awful! All them peas! I HATE peas! If it weren't for the womp-rate business being up and booming, I'd have nothing to live for.". Gerthein had a plan. "Tell ya what, Rich! I'll give you what's left of this here KFC kiddie meal, and I'LL eat that food for ya so the nurses and docters don't nag about you not eating anything!" he suggested. "Well, Yeeeeeeee--haaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Rich yelled, as he and Gerthein happily exchanged their dinners, "I haven't heard such a good idea since they cancelled Santa Barbara! If there's anything I can do for ya in the future, name it!". Gerthein pretended to think for a moment. "Well, first off, you can give me a cameo in one of those Adventure Journal stories of yours, and second of all, after..um.. "dinner", we could chat about the bombing. You can tell me *alllll* the details!". "Sure, pal!" Rich said, and raised his Milkshake. "Cheers!". "Cheers!" Gerthein replied, and then hungrily began eating his meal, peas and all. The very next moment, Dark Rendar suddenly came bursting into the room, yelling one thing and one thing only: "DON'T EAT THE PEAS!!!!" TO BE CONTINUED _____________________________________________________________________________ From: lonewolf@ziplink.net (Dark Jedi Maximi) Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 18:06:47 GMT But it was too late and as Dark lunged forward, the spoon had already been put into Gerthein's mouth. He swallowed, all the while looking strangely at Dark. Dark tried to explain, but he was breathless."The --- he --- pee -- need --- bad--" He then promptly collapsed. Gerthein then retched forward, gripping his stomach. "Me no feEL so good..." The nurse rushed to Gerthein's side and screamed, "WE NEED A DOCTOR IN HERE!" * * * * * * * * * * Beep -- Beep. Max was going crazy. Beep -- Beep. Damn heart monitor. Why'd they need that? It WAS just a kidney problem. Gerthein had awoken just a few minutes ago and was still groggy. The nurse walked in with a grim look on her face. "I'm afraid we have some bad news. Gerthein, well, he needs a kidney transplant." Max looked puzzled. "I thought you could live with only one kidney." The nurse continued. "He only has ONE kidney to begin with!" Both the nurse and Max looked at Gerthein. He seemed embarassed. "Well, I, um.. I was in Tazmania about 5 years ago. Uh, yeah, that's the ticket. I was in Tazmania. And, uh, I had no money, yeah, and the shaman said he would give me, uh, 50 Tazmanian dollars for one of my kidneys and I, um.. jumped at the offer." The nurse shook her head and began speaking again. "So we need someone that has very close blood and kidney type, preferable a family member." the nurse paused and continued, "It seems that YOUR name came up in our search, Mr. Silvestri [Max's last name]." "But, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Max had a look of horror on his face, as did Gerthein. "It seems that you and Gerthein are, well, brothers." Max and Gerthein looked at each other. "BROTHERS!" TO BE CONTINUED... ____________________________________________________________________________ From: gerthein@worldaccess.nl (Gerthein Boersma) Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 10:41:59 GMT "Brothers?" Gerthein said, after both he and Max had calmed down somewhat. "So that means I'm Rich Handley's SON, eh?". Gerthein smiled. " Not bad, he'll certainly give me a cameo in one of his stories now..". "Alright, alright, the doctor said impatiently. "We still need to do your operation! LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!". "But first," the doctor continued, "I'll have to read the kidney-operations FAQ...". "Thank you, God!" Gerthein moaned. * * * Because the network demanded that there should happen more in the show than just having the lead characters lie in the hospital, the operation went surprisingly well, and after both Max and Gerthein were revived from their narcoses, the doctor came in to tell them that they could most likely leave the very same day. "And to think I just came to your room to kill you.." Max said, obviously still drowsy. "WHAT?" Gerthein said, wide awake. "Y'know..." Max continued, "'Kill or be killed. I heard you were out to kill me.". Gerthein thought for a moment... what was Max babbling about.. was it possible.. "Maybe.. just maybe, my Evil Twin Brother is out to kill you..". Max was suddenly wide awake as well. "You have an EVIL TWIN BROTHER?", but then his expression grew more serious, "Yes, I know. Somehow, I've always known. In fact, I've *felt* him". "You WHAT?" Gerthein asked slightly shocked. "I mean: *felt* his presence", Max continued. "Oh," Gerthein replied calmly, "Strange that I have not. Are you sure your feelings on this matter are clear?". Then Rich Handley came into the room. "MY SON!" He shouted in joy, his arms wide. Immediatly, Max jumped up to imprace his father, but Rich walked straight past him and up to Gerthein's bed. "My long lost son, I never thought it would be you!" Rich said. "And you saved my life, too! If *I* had eaten those peas, I never would have survived it. Afterall, I'm old, I'm weakened, and I HATE PEAS!" He added cheerfully "This is gonna get you a special place in my will!". Gerthein glanced over to Max, who had sat down on his bed again, with an angry face, which only grew angrier as Rich made his will-comment. "Thanks *dad*!" Gerthein said, adding emphasis to the last word just to annoy Max, "and it's good to see YOU'RE up and about!". "Yeah, the nurses um.. *pepped me up*, so to speak.... so I could go to the premiere of the movie they made from one of my stories: "Crimson Tights". Bye!". And with that, the old womp-salesman-cum-writer was out the door. " So Max," Gerthein said as he got up and got dressed, "now that I'm better, I'm continuing my research into Rich.. I mean *dad*'s bomming.. Know anything I don't?". Max' face suddenly turned red. "No I don't!" he said nervously "Um. I gotta go!". And with that, he ran out of the room. "Curious.." Gerthein said to himself, as he stared out the door whilst gathering his belongings, getting ready to leave, "He didn't even put his clothes on..". And with that, he walked out of the room. TO BE CONTINUED... __________________________________________________________________________ From: lonewolf@ziplink.net (Dark Jedi Maximi) Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 13:52:38 GMT Berthein hid in the shadows of the nurse's supply room. Waiting. Waiting. It was dark, and good hiding place for any suspicious fellow. He was surrounded by boxes of peach enemas, and that seven that he had already had left him in a pleasant mood. Nurses and orderlies also thought the supply closet was a good hiding place, and so far he had seen seven couples 'making wookiee'. Gerthein had also been having fun with the rubber gloves... A dark figure quietly opened the door, and stepped into the closet. The figure removed the overcoat, and revealed a slightly pregnant-looking female body. The person sighed. "Damn throng." Berthein decided it was time for his presence to be known. "Who are you?" "Let's just say my name's Paula." Paula showed Berthein what was in her arms, revealing several sticks of dynamite. "Don't you think I should be the one asking the questions?" Berthein pulled out a pistol sporting a silencer. "I'm not so sure of that." "Okay. What do you want?" "Why are you here?" Paula smiled. "Let's just say I have a score to settle with Rich Handley." "Is that dynamite involved with the score?" "It is now. But so is this." Paula reached behind her and pulled out an automatic machine gun. She cocked it. "Huhuhuh. I 'cocked' it." Paula stood up and proceeded to leave the supply room. "Anything else I need to know about you, Paula?" "Let's just say I'm the former Mr. Handley...." * * * * * * * * * James King sat quietly outside the hospital in an overly-suspicious looking van. He picked up his walky-talky. "Has Beck sealed the entrances yet?" "Not sure..." "Well, make sure, you disingenuous attempt at a life-form..." __________________________________________________________________________ From: Rakelle Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 19:53:13 +0100 Paula made her way back to the other supply room and shut the door. "You took care of him, I trust?" a voice asked. "In my condition?" Silence. "Huhhuh, yeah, I took care of him." "OK. Now, my cloak, please." "Can I keep the dynamite?" "*One* stick." Paula handed over the cloak and most of the dynamite. "By the way, I wouldn't do anything with Handley if I were you..." "Why not?" Paula asked? "He's gaining fame. You can't just kill a celebrity." "Why did you want me to get rid of Berthein anyway?" "In his eyes, I'd look like his twin brother's soon-to-be ex-wife. Dontya think that'd set him wondering?" "But why set up the whole charade in the first place???" "I needed cash fast, and..." An evil grin spread on her face. "You know how pyramid makers are run out of town... So it was either this or spending a year dead for tax purposes." "Couldn't you just marry Gerthein yourself???" She looked sharply at Paula. "Are you crazy? No, wait, don't answer that... Besides, an extra conspiracy never hurt anybody..." "But.." "I think we've said enough. Get back to your ward. Oh, and a bit of friendly advice: don't eat the peas." ____________________________________________________________________________ From: Dark Lord Karno Dal Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 04:42:36 -0600 Far away, in his hidden fortress (ok, well, it wasn't exactly hidden, but it was pretty damned inconspicuous), the Dark Lord Karno Dal sat contemplating the events of the past few years. He thought on the long road he'd traveled from the small lint-mining town that had seen his humble beginnings and wondered just how he'd allowed himself to become seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. He looked around at the really nice furniture, stacks of credits, scantily-clad women, scores of lackeys falling all over themselves to please him, and the really nice company shuttle parked in his garage. "Oh yeah," he recalled, "that's how." The Dark Side has great fringe benefits, not to mention a hell of a retirement plan. Slowly pulling himself from his chair, something stirred inside him. Karno Dal knew somehow that the time had come for him to take his place on the RASSM stage and act out the part in this simple drama that fate had handed him to play. "This calls for my good cape," he thought. "The really nice one that doesn't smell like leftover ham." Cautiously, the Dark Lord checked over his utility belt. Everything was in its proper place. His lightsaber strapped to the right side, glow-in-the-dark condoms strapped to the left, and the Imperial Express Card nestled snugly into the secret rear compartment that only Dark Lords seemed to be able to find. Thus equipped, he made his way to the garage where his shuttle was being made ready. Karno Dal heaved himself into the pilot's seat of the Pinto-class Shuttle. The compartment was cramped, but comfortable. The addition of the fuzzy, Ewok-hide seat covers gave it that perfect sense of "je ne sais quoi." He also liked the way they tickled his butt cheeks. There was nothing like Ewok hair for bringing on a really good tensile erection. The shuttle rocked a bit as it slowly rose into the smoky night sky, repulsolifts whining. The Dark Lord smiled grimly as he turned the tiny craft's nose in the direction of RASSM city hospital. "Usher has been weakened considerably, but it'll be some time before I can extract any useful information from him," he thought. "Still, he will know where Maximi can be found, and Maximi will know where to find the book." The Dark Lord laughed icily. "Yes," he thought to himself. "Soon, Kevin J. Anderson's guide to finding and using previously unknown or forgotten superweapons will be mine, and when it is........all of RASSM will cower at my feet!!!!" ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Dark Lord Karno Dal Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 16:07:53 -0600 Having landed his Pinto-class shuttle beyond the RASSM city hospital's energy shield, the Dark Lord Karno Dal and his herd of Dark Newbies made their way in and up to the room of a somewhat-less-than-conscious usher, who is still recovering from surgery. "So, usher, we meet again at last," Lord Dal seethed, his eyes aglow. "The circle is now complete. When I left, I was but a newbie, now I am the master," Dal boomed, baiting usher to rise and oppose him. "Only a master baiter, Karno," usher whispered, still too weak to offer any resistance. "Now you will reveal to me the loation of one Dark Jedi Maximi," Lord Dal replied unswaiveringly. "Never," usher whispered. "I'll...never...tell. Never never!" "Never never?" Lord Dal asked. "Oh please!" "All right," usher groaned. "You talked me into it. He's...." But before usher could reveal the much-sought information, one of Lord Dal's Dark newbies burst into the room. "Sir, there's a naked man running up and down the halls!!!" He reported. "That's Maximi," usher replied. "How do you know," Karno Dal asked suspiciously. "Because the whole point of this scene is to advance the plot." he answered convincingly. "Yes....yes," Lord Dal replied, satisfaction dripping from his lips (at least usher hoped that's what it was). "I can sense him now. Lord Dal lept to his feet, commanding his horde of Dark Newbies, "After that naked man!!!! Maximi is my only link to `Kevin J. Anderson's guide to finding and using previously unknwn or forgotten superweapons,' and he must not be allowed to escape!!" "Escape.....is not his plan," usher whispered. "Good," Karno Dal growled, "I hate long chase sequences." And with that, he rushed out into the hallway TO BE CONTINUED _______________________________________________________________________________ From: lonewolf@ziplink.net (Dark Jedi Maximi) Subject: Re: [AS RASSM TURNS] Episode 799 Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 13:53:08 GMT A hoarse voice sounded in the phone. "I want you in RASSM city by ten o'clock tonight." "YOOOUUUU GOOOTTT IT!!!!! I'm ready to break some faces!" "Look, Piper. You've got to be INCONSPICUOUS if you're gonna do you job right. Do you here me, Roddy?" "OK, Mrs. H. I'll beeeeeee there!" "And don't forget to bring your cock..." * * * * * * * * * The screeching awoke the toll collector. Damn, I hate working nights, he thought. He looked out his window. Music could be heard from the oncoming Mustang. It came to a startling halt at the booth. "How much is that gonna be, Mr. Toll-Booth-Man-Guy!!!" "Uh... seventy-five cents." The toll collector was not in the mood for this clown's antics this late at night. "Well, here you go!!!" Roddy Piper then reached behind him into the back seat, and pulled out a double-barreled pump action shotgun. He pointed the gun at the collector. Piper pulled the trigger and the booth was splattered with the night-shift worker's blood. Rowdy's companion, riding shotgun, stayed silent. "CHANGE PLEASE! Man, I love bigguns'." Piper took a panoramic view of the scene that surrounded him. He had a magnificent view of RASSM City. "I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of ass!!" Piper paused, and thought for a moment. "Wait, no..." * * * * * * * * * Piper poked his head out the window. "I'm gonna go look for this Happy fellah', Boo. You stay here and be good." Roddy slammed his foot on the gas, and the car sprang away from the mouth of the alley. It was cold out, and Boo shivered. Dark, he thought. He reached inside his trench coat and pulled the lightsaber from his belt. Boo flicked the switch and, *SNAP-HISS*, the alley way was lit. Boo looked around. There were things to be done. He cackled. Dark Jedi Chicken Boo was in town. END OF EPISODE 799 SPECIAL THANKS TO: BOB "GREEN STUFF IN MY PANTS" SMITH BRIAN "NOW THAT WILL STAIN" DANVERS JOHN "HE MUST SMELL MY EWOK" PATRIDGE ROBIN "HOLY FEMALE MAMMALIAN PROTRUSIONS, BATMAN" THOMAS AND DICKY "SLAP ME LOW" EEYORE PS Above listed individuals are made up COMING SOON: THE 800TH EPISODE SPECTACULAR! ("My Four Dads" or "Mine's Bigger") featuring: the conclusion of the RASSM City Hospital Crisis the truth behind the Handley family some major ass kickin' _____________________________________________________________________________