From: "Pete Whelan" Subject: [HUMOR] More Powerful? Date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 20:52:27 -0500 Longtime lurker, first post. I never really understood what Obi-Wan meant by becoming more powerful when Vader struck him down. What if Vader wondered? Obi Wan Kenobi: Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you could ever imagine. Darth Vader: I dunno. I can imagine quite a bit. Kenobi: Well, I would be able to make Luke tap his headset, and I could appear to him as a ghost, and I could whisper short maxims about the Force, and, uuh... [In the background, Luke and the gang run across the hangar while all the Stormtroopers go to watch the argument] Vader: Ooh, I'm scared. You can make the main character think he's insane. Stormtrooper: Yeah! What else could you do, make the Princess get a better hairdo? Kenobi: Well, everything I say would have this cool reverb... [Luke pauses and turns toward Ben and Vader] Luke: I gotta go save Ben! Kenobi: Come on, I'll be real powerful. Like, if you killed me, then I would be able to tell Luke stuff like GET OUT OF HERE... or I'M TRYING TO STALL HIM YOU IDIOT! [Luke starts to run towards them] Luke: Don't worry, Ben! I'll save you! Vader: Heyyy... wait a minute. You won't get any special powers if I kill you! You were trying to trick me. But I've got your number! Stormtrooper: Yeah! He's too smart for ... [Luke runs past Stormtrooper, knocking him over.] Luke: Get to the ship, Ben! I'll kick his ass! [Luke ignites his lightsaber and takes a swing at Vader. Vader lights up his own and parries effortlessly. Luke swings again, and again, and again, but Vader blocks him every time] Vader: Look at this loser, Obi-Wan. Do you really think you could make a Jedi out of him. Luke [still swinging]: Ben! Get out of here! I'm gonna kill him! [Ben looks at Luke and stands there, humiliated. Meanwhile, Han and Chewie open up a crate marked "Proton Torpedoes-Handle with Care". Vader takes a swing at Luke and cuts his hand off. Luke screams and starts to cry.] Luke: Ben. Pleease! Vader: What a loser. You could have done better than this, Obi-Wan. Stormtrooper: Yeah, Kenobi! You suck! Vader [to Stormtrooper]: Shut up. Stormtrooper: Uh, yes sir. Sorry. [In the background, Han and Chewie lift a proton torpedo out of the crate and throw it down the bottomless shaft in the hangar deck. It falls for a minute and then an explosion rocks the Death Star. Han gives Chewie a high-five.] Luke: Damn you, Vader, you killed my father. Prepare to die! [Luke gets up and starts punching Vader. Vader cuts Luke's other hand off. Luke screams some more and crumples to the ground] Vader: No, Luke. I am your father. Ben: Darth, I thought we agreed not to tell him yet. Vader: Oh come on. Luke's a big boy now. Arent'cha, Luke? Luke: Never! You killed my father! [Luke starts hitting Vader with his stumps. Vader cuts Luke's legs off. Luke screams some more] Vader: Heh heh. That's my boy, never giving up. Isn't that right, Luke? [Luke bursts into tears. Meanwhile, Han and Chewie are throwing crate after crate of proton torpedoes into the bottomless shaft. The Death Star begins to shake, and girders start to fall from the ceiling of the hangar bay. Random Imperial officers start to run around, shouting at each other.] Kenobi: Dammit, Darth! You're not supposed to do that yet, either! Vader: Whaddaya mean? He was coming right at me. [Han and Chewie run into the corridor. A few minutes later, they come back carrying the Emperor, who is shooting lighting from his fingers. They heave him into the bottomless shaft, and he explodes. Chewie gives Han a high-five] Kenobi: Just kill me, you idiot! Vader: Oh, all right. [Vader and Kenobi start fighing with their lightsabers. The stormtroopers cheer Vader on.] Stormtrooper: You suck, Kenobi! [Han and Chewie drag in a big crate marked "CONCUSSION MISSILES-HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE" and drop it down the bottomless shaft. They give Ben a thumbs-up. Ben gives them a thumbs up and Vader cuts him down. Ben disappears] Vader: That was easy... all TOO easy. Wait a minute... [The Millenium Falcon backs up out of the hangar, turns around, and blasts away. The Death Star is rocked by bigger explosions, and more girders fall from the ceiling. One crushes all the stormtroopers.] Vader: Hey! This shouldn't be happening. We haven't even had a space dogfight yet! Luke: Ben... I was supposed to be on that ship... Vader [looking around nervously]: Damn! Where'd I park my fighter? Luke: Shouldn't someone be rescuing me now? Vader: I have a bad feeling about this. [The Death Star explodes. Han, Chewie, and the gang escape in the Falcon] Han: Well you can kiss the Empire goodbye! Leia: That was too easy. They let us blow up their battle station. At least we have the plans in R2. Han: So what? The Emperor is dead, so he can't build another one. You rebels have won. Leia: Oh well. Just drop me off in the next system. I still don't like you. Han: This just doesn't seem right.