Date: Mon, 7 Apr 1997 14:15:46 -0500 From: Chris Layne Subject: OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT I Here's Act I, at long last!!! Who's writing Act II? You'll have to read it and see. >|) Enjoy!!! THE OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT I TITLE: James King Destroys the RASSM Universe ____________________________________________________________ [ESTABLISHING SHOT: THE FIDOTECH CHEMICAL PLANT, NEAR THE EASTERN SEA] (A large creature emerges from the Eastern Sea near the Fidotech plant. It's full form isn't seen, just bits and pieces pass the camera in quick snippets. A pillar of fire bursts forth and destroys the Fidotech plant completely.) [LONG SHOT: THE CREATURE MOVES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. PAN TO A CLOSEUP OF A ROAD SIGN READING "RASSM CITY - 25 MILES"] [ESTABLISHING SHOT: RASSM CITY HALL. A LARGE CROWD IS ASSEMBLED OUTSIDE] [MEDIUM SHOT: MEETING ROOM. THE RASSM CITY COUNCIL IS ASSEMBLED INSIDE] A dignified-looking man enters the room and the councilmembers fall silent. It is the Deputy Mayor of RASSM City. DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: In the Mayor's absence, I'll be dealing with the situation at hand. As I'm sure you're aware, the Fidotech plant was completely destroyed this morning. Rumors of a giant creature heading towards RASSM city are circulating. I've called the governor and he's sent the National Guard, under General Silvestri, to check out the situation. That's where things stand at the moment. Are there any questions? COUNCILMEMBER RIMRUNNER: Don't you think calling in the military was a little drastic? At this point, we don't even know what's out there. DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: It's only a precaution. If there is a creature on the loose, we're hoping it won't be necessary to use force. COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: Maybe if we ignore it, it'll just go away. DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: That's WHAT we've sent General Silvestri to find out. (A red phone on the briefing room table starts to ring. Gerthein answers it. After a moment, he cups his hand over the receiver) DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: It's the General!! [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF A QUIET FIELD JUST OUTSIDE OF RASSM CITY. (General Silvestri is on a jeep in the foreground, holding the receiver of a black telephone in his hand. Several tanks and heavy artillery pieces are in the background, and soldiers are running everywhere. The rumble of the creature's footfalls can be heard in the background.) [GENERAL SILVESTRI] There definitely is a creature, sir, and it's headed this way. My men are into position to intercept it, whatever it is. (pause) No, don't worry, sir, it'll never make it into RASSM... (The shouts of the soldiers draw the General's attention and he looks into the distance) [MEDIUM SHOT OF A TREELINE] (The sound of the creature's footsteps grows louder. Finally, the creature breaks through the treeline. A 30-story tall CG James King bellows, steps through the trees and breathes fire on a tank that has rolled into frame. [LONG SHOT OF THE FIELD] (The Army opens up on the giant James King with all of its firepower, but to no avail. The giant James breathes fire on the attacking columns, scattering them in various directions. [CLOSEUP OF DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN IN CITY HALL] DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: General, what's going on? (pause) General?!? [MEDIUM SHOT OF THE FIELD] General Silvestri, still on his jeep, is in the foreground, while the battle rages behind him) GENERAL SILVESTRI: I'm afraid there's not much we can do, sir. James is flaming everything in sight. I'm going to have to pull back. [CLOSEUP OF DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN INSIDE CITY HALL] GENERAL SILVESTRI (on the phone): We'll set up a defensive perimeter around- (the phone goes dead, and Gerthein slowly hangs it up, looking somewhat shaken) DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: I'm afraid we're on our own. [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF A RASSM CITY STREET] (The street is the picture of chaos. People are running everywhere, looting, partying, or looking to escape. The sounds of the giant James's footfalls are growing steadily louder. In the distance, a man is waving a large sign that reads "THE END IS NEAR") TRAVIS ILM: See, I told you he was coming, but would anybody listen? Nooooo. GRAY LEADER: You told us who was coming? TRAVIS ILM: Why, Howard Stern of course. He's going to slaughter the lot of you. BA BA BOOEY!!! GRAY LEADER: What!?! CHRIS LAYNE: Let's get him!!! GRAY LEADER: I'll BA BA BOOEY you, if I get my hands on you!!! (The RASSM throng stops looting, partying, and escaping long enough to beat Travis senseless.) [PAN TO A MEDIUM SHOT OF TWO MEN IN CIVIL DEFENSE HELMETS RUNNING UP TO THE THRONG] CHRIS LAYNE: Look, it's Police Commissioner Bas-Jan and Chief Rendar!!! COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: Citizens or RASSM city, please remain calm!! We have a plan to defeat the giant James, but it we need your help! (The throng drops Travis and heads over, listening intently) [CLOSEUP ON CHIEF RENDAR] CHIEF RENDAR: All right throng, here's what we're going to do. [CUT TO A VERY, VERY LONG SHOT OF THE RASSM CITY SKYLINE] (The 30-story tall CG James emerges at the edge of town, breathing really cool CG fire, bellowing, and knocking the fool out of every building around.) [CUT TO A MEDIUM SHOT OF THE GIANT JAMES DEMOLISHING A BUILDING] (The RASSM throng rushes into the foreground, all carrying flame throwers) CHIEF RENDAR: All right, now!!! Hit him with everything you've got!! (The throng opens up on the giant James, but he is unaffected) [CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF THE THRONG, RENDAR, AND BAS-JAN] COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: It's no use. Flaming him isn't working. In fact, it seems to be making him stronger. It's almost like he thrives off of it. I'm afraid we'll have to tell the Deputy Mayor that we're out of options. (Councilmember Paula runs into frame and approaches Commissioner Bas-Jan. She's loaded to the teeth with arms, munitions, and a Salad Shooter) COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: I thought you wanted to ignore the giant James? COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: I did, until he stepped on my house and breathed fire on my car! COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: Ouch!! COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: Tell me about it. I noticed something about the giant james, though. I think I may have found a weakness. There's a big cable running from his... backside. It stretches for miles. If we could get close enough to him to check it out... COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: Where are we going to find someone brave enough to get a close look at his butt? CHIEF RENDAR: Barq will do it!!! BARQ: Squeaks loudly. CHIEF RENDAR: He agrees!!! [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF THE RAMPAGING CG JAMES. PAN TO A CLOSEUP OF BARQ THE SQUIRREL RUNNING ALONG THROUGH THE DEBRIS BEHIND HIM] (Barq gets to the cable and examines it closely, then squeaks and barks loudly in Chief Rendar's direction) [CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF RENDAR AND BAS-JAN] CHIEF RENDAR: I don't believe it!! COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: What?? CHIEF RENDAR: Barq says the cable has AOL stamped on it. COMMISSIONER BAS-JAN: It must be cut. Tell Barq to chew through the cable!!! [CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF BARQ CHEWING THE CABLE] (Barq cuts through the cable with his powerful squirrel teeth, and the giant CG James collapses, demolishing an entire block of internet businesses that were busy spamming RASSM City during the confusion.) [CUT TO A LONG SHOT OF THE RASSM CITY COUNCIL APPROACHING THE THRONG, DARK RENDAR, BARQ, PAULA, AND BAS-JAN] DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: Good work everyone!! You've saved RASSM city!! COUNCILMEMBER PAULA: Actually, Barq is the real hero, sir. CHIEF RENDAR: We'll have to have the Mayor make him the Official RASSM Cool Squirrel when he returns. (The Throng cheers Barq. Councilmember Bycer runs into frame and approaches Deputy Mayor Gerthein) COUNCILMEMBER BYCER: We just received a priority message from the Governor. Apparently, Shinji and his army of trolls are on the march for RASSM city!! They want revenge for what the throng did to TravisILM!! DEPUTY MAYOR GERTHEIN: Oh great. Here we go again. END ACT I. _________________________________________________________ Hope you all enjoyed it!!! I choose Rakelle to write Act II. The title will be "RASSM NEEDS WOMEN" and will star the world-famous female RASSMers!! ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Rakelle Subject: OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT II Date: Fri, 11 Apr 1997 08:09:42 +0200 OK kids, here it is...Act II. THE OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT 2: TITLE: RASSM needs women! ----------------------------------------------------------- [INTERIOR: RASSM CITY AIRPORT. CLOSE IN ON AMARA AND A BUNCH OF WORSHIPPERS] AMARA: ...it'll only be a short while. MCMIKEY: But we wuw you, Amy! [MUSHY VIOLIN MUSIC] (They hug while a bunch of worshippers look on with mournful faces.) GRAY LEADER: We.. we'll miss you SO MUCH! (starts sobbing violently) [MUSHY MUSIC GETS LOUDER] (Amara waves as she disappears down the hallway. McMikey and Gray Leader cry on each other's shoulders) [MUSHY MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY. CUT TO VIEW OF RASSM CITY HALL] (A crowd of trolls are assembled outside the hall, marching around with signs and shouting) [CLOSEUP OF SOME SIGNS] (Signs read: Hi Mum, Star Wars sucks, What is ANH?, OB1 is a clone, etc...) [INTERIOR: RASSM TOWN HALL] (A bunch of the RASSM regulars are gathered around the windows) BYCER: I guess our artillery could deal with those... BAS-JAN: But the flamethrowers are too far away for a good demonstration. Can anybody see any AOL cables? (Barq chitters rejectedly) CHIEF RENDAR: Barq says there are too many of them! BYCER: Damn. If only Many were here... right Gert-- Gerthein??? Where'd he go? BAS-JAN: Apparently there was *another* ESB:SE screening he had to go to... [CLOSEUP OF RIMRUNNER AND PAULA] RIMRUNNER: Listen to that. PAULA: I don't think my salad shooter will work with this many... RIMRUNNER: Ahhh, these guys never heard of subtlety. Let's clean this up ourselves. [EXTERIOR: STREET] (The RASSM throng approaches and comes to an abrupt halt at the sight of the trolls. Cheese-curdling cries ring through the air as the two groups clash) (Amid the foray, Paula and Rimrunner are seen sneaking out of the town hall and running for a smaller building in an alley) [INTERIOR: BASEMENT] RIMRUNNER(shouting): Rakelle, get out of there!! (Rakelle looks up from her RASSM files with a frown) RAKELLE: What is it now? Can't you see I'm busy? These subtitles SUCK! And I have to straighten out all this name mess... Nobody can say mine right! And just look at these Dutch ones... RIMRUNNER: If you even *dream* of calling me Jen... RAKELLE: Hey, I think Genevieve's a good name! And I know how to say it too! PAULA: Not much partying down here I guess... seen any cute guys around? RAKELLE: Nah, Marvin the Android was here a little while, but he said I was too depressing... RIMRUNNER: OK, enough chatter; the trolls are in town! (Rakelle gets up from her stacks of papers, knocking over a particularly large one marked 'classified' in the process) RAKELLE: They are? PAULA: Yep, and the William and Mary guys are with them! RAKELLE(smirking evilly): Oh are they now... I believe we have *just* the thing for them back here... [EXTERIOR: OUTSIDE RASSM TOWN HALL] (RASSM throng is regrouping in a corner. Shadow has climbed up on a soapbox while the other W&M trolls loiter around below) (Rimrunner, Paula and Rakelle appear in the background. Paula is dragging somebody) SHADOW: ...and therefore, women have no place in society! They must go home and have our children! Ladies, only you can be mothers. (Indignant cries from RASSM throng) SHADOW: Shut up you freaks! You're all just queer pedifiles and FemiNazis! Star Wars Sucks! (Throng closes in on the trolls. Shinji climbs up beside Shadow) [BRIEF CLOSEUP OF BOOK IN SHINJI'S HANDS] (Shinji's book has Voltaire written on the cover. It's sealed in plastic) SHINJI: All he's doing is expressing his opinion. We have better things to do than having people bitch about stuff they don't understand. Don't quote Voltaire unless you mean it. We can call you faggots as much as we like. If you don't understand then leave town. You know I am right. It only makes you look stupid when you dissagree with no reasons. (Alex runs through the troll crowd, breathing shallowy and throwing a flaming torch at Shinji) ALEX: you're full of sh!t! take this you f!!ker! (the torch hits Shinji, who explodes) [AMAZING CGI EXPLOSION WITH PRAXIS RING] SHADOW: You freak! We won't stand for this! This is the day we fight back! This is our INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! [DRAMATIC PAUSE. MUSIC STOPS] (Half the RASSM throng turns green. Rimrunner and Rakelle look at each other, then burst out laughing) SHADOW: Take a chill pill you silly little women!!! RAKELLE(advancing slowly): My, how clever you are. Isn't W&M a wonderful place? SHADOW: Why don't you think before you post? You're too emotional! RIMRUNNER(also advancing): You don't want me to get real bitchy now do you... GERMAN TROLL: Who cares? This is the internet, littlelips! RIMRUNNER(smiling slightly): Lemme explain something to you, sweetheart. (Rimrunner throws one look at German Troll, who instantly undergoes spontaneous combustion) RIMRUNNER: See, I know what the Internet is. [WONDERFUL CGI FLAMES] RAKELLE: Shadow, I'd like you to meet somebody. (points to his right) (Paula has sneaked up behind him with Jim Finn, pointing her salad shooter at his back. Shadow looks surprised and somewhat alarmed) RAKELLE: Give him a hug, why don't you? SHADOW: I'm not one you you f!!!ing queers! JIM FINN: I said Star Wars sucks but I did not say you were homosexual. I would never say something like that. I am innocent. (Rakelle, Paula and Rimrunner exchange glances. Rakelle nods slightly to Paula) (Paula shoves Jim Finn towards Shadow) SHADOW: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*! (Jim Finn and Shadow annihilate on contact. Crowd of trolls is dispersed.) [FANTASTIC CGI EFFECTS OF EXPLOSION, FORCE WIND, GROUND RIPPING...] RIMRUNNER: So women aren't leaders? (turning towards town hall) Guys, you can come out now. (A dazed looking newbie makes his way through the throng) NEWBIE: You won't believe what I found! Give me 5 minutes of your time... [FADE TO BLACK] END ACT 2 -------------------------------------------------------------- Next episode will be titled "Send in the clownes" (deliberately spelled that way) and be written by Bas-Jan, who kindly volunteered for the task :) ________________________________________________________________________________ From: "Bas-Jan Walewijk" Subject: OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE: ACT III Date: Sun, 13 Apr 1997 18:15:25 +0200 (So, here it finally is... a bit long, but that's just because of the meaningful relationships, character developments and psychological background which give it its, um, quality.) Twentieth Century Squirrel presents: THE OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE Act III: Send in the Clo(w)nes ----------------------------------------------- 1. A SUPER STAR DESTROYER. The massive spaceship slowly and kewly rumbles across the vastness of the unending black below, its imposing presence filling the full width of the screen as the terrifying mass of the looming object is slowly but surely revealed in all its terribly agonizing and excessively adjective-stricken largeness. PULL BACK TO REVEAL MAX pulling his model SSD across an asphalt driveway on a string. MAX: Vroomm.... vroommm... As we pull even further back, we notice it's a beautiful spring day in the surprisingly suburban suburbs of RASSM City. In the background, we can see white fences and a man riding a firetruck while waving to passers-by with a stupid smile on his face. 2. The CELLPHONE in MAX' pocket starts beeping. An irritated look flashes across MAX' face. He hesitates. Finally, he decides to answer his call: MAX: Silvestri speaking. This'd better be important. I'm supposed to be recovering here. VOICE OF PAULA (O.S.): I know you are, Max, but it looks like we've got ourselves another crisis on our hands. MAX: What's up now? 3. INT. RASSM CITY MAYOR'S OFFICE. PAULA walks to the window, phone in hand, and worriedly glances outside. As she starts pacing, she resumes the conversation: PAULA: You'd better come see for yourself. Right. Fifteen minutes max. No, "max", Max. Sure, good to have you on board again, kid. As is customary in movies, PAULA hangs up without saying goodbye. She slumps into her swivel chair and buries her head in her hands. 4. EXT. RASSM CITY MAIN STREET. Overhead shot of the very unthrongly masses which have assembled in front of City Hall and - it seems - everywhere else too. We slowly pan across the sullen legions of chanting people: they look happy, yet there is a disturbing emptiness in their eyes. All wear white t-shirts reading strange words like "bobbafet1234", "kling0n" and "wuukie666". In their hands are tambourins, which they beat in a Lando-like manner. Most remarkable of all, though, are the red noses they wear. (For dramatic effect, this scene should be shot in black and white. The noses can be computer-colored in later.) 5. EXT. A BIG NEON SIGN above the crowd. An unread newsflash scrolls by: ***!!!TWO HOURS LEFT 5:00 PM CST AUCTION GHOST BEN SE JEDI LUKE LIMITED EDITION!!!*** PAN DOWN TO: A LONE SPAMMER with a sad look on his face. He carries a sign: "GET RICH QUICK!", but no-one seems to want to flame him, not even Rich. Next to him an OFF-TOPIC NUT is pulling down his "END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH" banner. Behind both of them a billboard poster hangs in tatters; only barely legible are the words "...I HAVE *TONS* OF STAR WARS...". 6. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE. PAULA straightens up, then pushes a Beavis-shaped button on her desk. PAULA: Could you lot come in here for a moment? Thanks. 7. The doors open and BAS-JAN and RAKELLE walk in. They are two-thirds of the RASSM CITY CONTINENTAL CONTINGENT, a secretly funded and grossly overpaid do-nothing think-tank. RAKELLE: Gerthein will be a little late. He's stuck on the other side of the road, together with Scott "Chicken Little" Chitwood. PAULA: Whatever. Meanwhile, what do you two make of this? BAS-JAN: Haven't a clue. [shrugs, turns to RAKELLE] OK, hobby polyglot, your turn. 8. We follow RAKELLE to the window. She takes another hard look, then turns around and says: RAKELLE: Hmm... I am fluent in over six forms of communication, and these are not codes used by RASSM. I'm afraid it's an AOL code. Almost unnoticed, Gerthein walks in. He's looking beat-up; a golf club is wrapped around his neck in reference to a thankfully cut subplot. GERTHEIN: Man, I hate clowns. BAS-JAN: Still, they don't seem to be doing anything... besides jamming our satellite communications with ridiculous prequel rumors, that is... CUT TO: 9. GERTHEIN. As he puts his Mac PowerBook on Paula's desk, he starts talking: GERTHEIN: That's what you think. Those jamming messages have been coded in ILLITERATE, cunningly masquerading as English. And they're slowing down. PAULA: Slowing down to what? GERTHEIN: No, I mean AOL is slowing down. The unlimited access thing, you know. Anyway, in just under two hours every sensible word in RASSM City will drown in low-bandwidth brain-destroying drivel. See, I have discovered the hidden message, and beneath that cheerful, clownish exterior, lies a devious plot between AOL and the now defunct FidoTech Corp. to connect every home in America to AOL's Usenet server... via... WebTV! Cue beat, so the audience can recoil in horror without missing the plot. 9. CU of RAKELLE's horrified face. RAKELLE: In other words... in 120 minutes every child, child and child in America will be discussing OB1 the clone... whether Boba Fett is gay... what RASSM means... slave Leia stories... CUT TO: 10. PAULA and the OTHERS. BAS-JAN: Looks like we need reinforcements on this. Where's Mikey's Sleaze Squad? PAULA (pushing Beavis button again): Rendar, see if you can find Gray and Mikey. They must be back from that Amara escort mission by now. VOICE OF DARK RENDAR (O.S.): I told them to be here. They should've been back long since. Though I was wondering, can't we just have Barq cut the AOL cables? Like we did with... PAULA: That won't work, Rendar! Haven't you watched a sequels before, man? If something worked the first time around, you never try it again in the sequel. Instead, you take an unproven, crazy and possibly suicidal option. Besides, I thought Barq was captured? GERTHEIN: Well, only if you take Sith War III as canon, which it obviously isn't. Only on-screen evidence counts, for example when an asteroid is destroyed with one shot in... Out of a filing cabinet, a CG creature consisting of only a HUGE MOUTH and A FORKED TONGUE suddenly jumps towards the viewer like a Yuzzem on speed, shouting: CREATURE: Another Trekkie bites the dust! SEZ YO MAAAAMAAAA! Gerthein bashes Vi'Le-ATTitu'dio on the skull with his bent golf club, then returns to the meeting. 11. RAKELLE, standing by the window. RAKELLE: Wait a minute, guys. Looks like Max and Gray are in trouble. 12. EXT. RASSM CITY MAIN STREET. We see the AOL'ers mindlessly trolling cables across the streets of RASSM City, slowly but surely completing the evil plan of their overlords. MAX en GRAY LEADER are stuck dead in the middle, surrounded by the lines on all sides - as though they were stuck in a spider's web. Meanwhile, some AOL'ers mock them. 13. Close-ups of AOL'ers: AOL'er 1: loosers why dont you talk swtarwrs not sex filthy mind on this bulletin board AOL'er 2: IAM MARKHAMMILLL!!!!!!! AOL'er 3: kewlto CYA here just like B4!!! 14. From MAX and GRAY s POV, we see the cables close in from all sides. GRAY LEADER: There's... too many of them! MAX (shameless over-acting): I can't hold them! 15. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE. RAKELLE closes the blinds and sadly turns away from the window. BAS-JAN (grim): Yes... those AOL'ers never could wrap their lines... There's a knock on the door behind BAS-JAN, and he turns around to see an IMPERIAL STORMTROOPER enter the room. GERTHEIN (to Paula): Look, sir... Davin! 16. The STORMTROOPER removes her helmet and armor. It's RIMRUNNER. RIMRUNNER: Nope, just me. You won't believe the attention I got walking home from that photoshoot in those other clothes - damn leather. By the way, like the outfit? Bit too white for my taste, but I picked it up cheaply at an army dump store. Hey, ever tell y'all about the time I killed someone with my bare hands? PAULA: Cut the chatter, Rim, we've got ourselves a major problem here. Now, intelligence informs me that a small group of rogue AOL operatives have discovered the location of the AOL headquarters. Manny Bothanz died to bring us this information, so if we don't act upon it, we'll seem ungrateful to the dumb bastard. My plan was to drive through their lines, locate the AOL base and cut the clowns off from the control room. Rim, you got a car? No response. PAULA: Rim? 18. Extreme CU of RIMRUNNER - she's miles away... ...FADES INTO... 19. ...a STRANGELY SHOT FLASHBACK! In this flashback, a BLACK MERCEDES BENZ crashes through a storefront, going on to demolish the entire ground floor of a medium-sized shopping mall. The car goes total-loss, losing its custom license plate (TRN-GRL) and star ornament in the process. When the vehicle finally comes to a halt, an UNKNOWN PERSON wearing combat boots leaves the car and picks up the Mercedes star. 20. Suddenly, we're back in the Mayor's Office. PAULA and the OTHERS give RIMRUNNER a concerned look. RIMRUNNER: Naah. I ll just walk. [NOTE: In the interest of brevity, and because this is a non-binaries group, I've decided to leave out some detailed storyboarding of twenty-five minutes of gratuitous car chases. Also cut is a dangerous stunt involving a white horse, a longhorn bull, two helicopters and a pair of rollerblades.] [..] 122. EXT. FIFTH AVENUE, NYC. Meanwhile, back with AMARA... she's strolling along Fifth Avenue with her mail-order acquisition from the Tennessee Tazer Co. (Ltd.) safely pocketed... 124. ...but just behind her, around the corner, MIKEY appears, stalking AMARA in a very conspicuous way. FADE OUT FOR "PRINCE XIXOR"'S COMMERCIAL BREAK 125. EXT. AOL HEADQUARTERS, SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO HELL. Arriving at the AOL headquarters, most of the RASSM'ers get out of their cars, or what's left of them. Rimrunner dismounts the horse and readies a bow and arrow. Some stray AOL lines can be seen squirming in the background - RAKELLE bravely fights off the assault of a sexually stilted line with a Norwegian light sword. PAULA: Where's Gerthein? BAS-JAN: Got sidetracked. Duggy trolled him. PAULA: Damn. Gerth was a good man. I hate to lose him. BAS-JAN: A death Mark is not an easy thing to live with. [NOTE: Another half-hour of violent shoot-outs has been cut here because they doesn't come across well on the small screen. Or so I've been told.] [..] 267. INT. JOINT AOL / FIDOTECH CONTROL ROOM. Our Heroes approach the Terms Of Service master control panel. RAKELLE: Let's pull the plug on this scum. PAULA says a few things which can't be printed here, but for which she receives copious applause all the same. BAS-JAN moves his finger towards the big red button... and pushes... and... BAS-JAN: You're TOS't. 268. There is a blinding flash. Seconds later, a searing blast of radiation washes through the lines and the AOL'ers, blowing WebTV-linked television sets everywhere to smithereens and zapping the evil clowns with a massive bombardement of subatomic particles - they dissolve into numbered screen names. RIMRUNNER (Schwarzenegger accent): Happy mutant. TO BE CONTINUED... ...and since Max has already done an independent production in lurid Dave Fincher style , I designate *Dark Rendar* to write Act IV: "BARQING UP THE THRONG TREE". ________________________________________________________________________________