From: gerthein@worldaccess.nl (Gerthein Boersma) Subject: "THE SPAM", another OFFICIAL RASSM MOVIE Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 13:56:55 GMT Here's my RASSM MOVIE folks! It's a bit too long to be an "ACT" of the *Official* official movie, but it uses the same characters and setting; sort of like a spin-off. You'll be on the edge of your seat, folks, so start readin'! Oh, and don't be distracted by the HUGE capital LETTERS with which I tried to ENVOKE that SCREENPLAY feeling. And I hope the lay-out comes through okay... Enjoy! * * * WIDE - FIELD, RASSM CITYSCAPE IN DISTANCE - DAY The camera lingers on the SKYLINE OF RASSM CITY in the distance, but soon enough, as loud SQUISHING SOUNDS are heard, the view is totally obscured by a PINKISH BLOB. The BLOB moves fast in the direction of RASSM CITY, so we begin to see the CITY again as the BLOB distances itself from the camera. We see similar BLOBS approaching from other directions, as well as BLOBS following the one we first saw. Some BLOBS cling together to form a larger BLOB, all make disgusting SQUISHING SOUNDS as they move. (We will later learn that these blobs are made of the deadly material known as SPAM). As the camera pulls up and out, more and more BLOBS are revealed approaching RASSM CITY, and the SQUISHING SOUNDS grow LOUDER, forming an horrific RYTHMIC POUNDING, which immediatly stops as we. SHARPLY CUT TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE A FLASH ignites the screen, as two LIGHTSABERS, a pink one and a yellow one, clash. We pull out to reveal SITH WARRIOR TRORY and JEDI CHITWOOD engaged in a lightsaber match. We pull out further to reveal that this display is taking place on a TV-Screen. As the battle continues, the camera pans slightly up to reveal a VCR. On top of it rests a VIDEO-TAPE SLEAVE. The lettering on it reads "SITH WAR". TRORY (via TV-speakers): "You don't give up easily, do you, 'Chicken little'? TRORY makes CHICKEN SOUNDS as we see JEDI CHITWOOD grow increasingly angry. We pull back een further, to see DEPUTY-MAJOR GERTHEIN BOERSMA sitting in his comfy LEATHER CHAIR, eating popcorn and chuckling at the display on the screen. Behind the TV, we see a painting of RICH HANDLEY on the wall. GERTHEIN: Heheh! I can't get enough of these movies! JEDI CHITWOOD (via TV-speakers, swinging saber): Oh yeah? Well take this, TROY! Three people surround Gerthein in similar comfy chairs. They are GENERAL MAX SILVESTRI, COUNCILMEMBER PAULA and CHIEF RENDAR. Each is enjoying the display on the screen and munching popcorn. A fourth chair is empty. Suddenly, COUNCILMEMBER RIMRUNNER bursts through the office-door. RIMRUNNER (panting and shouting): Something terrible has happened! All three couch-patatoes snap to attention as they turn their heads toward RIMRUNNER. PAULA (in shock): Don't tell us the dreaded SPAM is attacking RASSM City?! RIMRUNNER: Worse: we're fresh out of popcorn! PAULA, MAX, RENDAR and GERTHEIN (in unison): OH NO!!!! CUT TO -- RASSM CITY STREETS -- WIDE SHOT There are many people on the streets, but they are walking steadily about and the streets aren't crowded. The camera lingers on a group of four people with blue shirts and crew cut hair (they are RASSM Policemen) and someone who is wearing dark blue, and has a more sophisticated hair-cut. As the camera pulls in, we recognize the dark-blue shirt as COMMISIONER BAS-JAN. CLOSE-UP of BAS-JAN BAS-JAN (to himself): Damn! Today is "Sith War watching day" at the city hall, and I have to patrol the city for suspicious activity in light of the all the recent bizarre incidents. RASSM POLICEMAN #2 (off): Look, sir! ..err.. SOMETHING! In one very artistic motion, the camera pans via BAS-JAN''S NOSE to R.P. #2's extended arm and INDEX FINGER to a long shot of the street, as we see what R.P. #2 is pointing at: a HUGE, APPROACHING BLOB, about 5 feet in diameter. Pulling closer to the BLOB, we see that it is annihilating everything in it's path: TRAFFIC LIGHTS, NEWSPAPER-STANDS, and many MAILBOXES, and we hear the horrible SQUISHING SOUNDS again as it does so. We see the BLOB grow with each item destroyed, and now people are scurrying out of its way, screaming loudly. As we pull further back, we see that the quiet street has turned into a chaotic mess of people running and screaming everywhere as they all notice the horrible BLOB. Only BAS-JAN and his team of POLICEMEN stand perfectly still. TO POV SHOT of THE BLOB: The SQUISHING, SOGGING SOUNDS become almost unbearable as we approach BAS-JAN & the 4 R.P.'s, each of which has a stunned look on their face. TO TIGHT SHOT of the action The BLOB and the STUNNED R.P's are mere FEET from each other now. Suddenly, RASSM POLICEMAN #3 springs to life, draws his BATON, jumps forward and proceeds to HIT the BLOB with the weapon. (At this cue, we also see the others draw their batons and taking position..). R.P.#3: Take this, you slime! CLOSE-UP of R.P. #3's HAND, as a PINKISH BLOB-TENTACLE of spam HITS the R.P.'s THUMB. Pull back to slightly WIDER SHOT The R.P. drops the BATON, pulls back his hand and lets out a short yelp of agony. The R.P.'s gaze and the Camera follow the BATON falling into the BLOB, and we clearly see the BATON being ASSIMILATED into SPAM and becoming part of the BLOB. The Camera pans back up to R.P. #3's face. We pull in for a.. CLOSE UP of R.P. #3's FACE, which is turning PINK, as GROWING CGI DOLLAR SIGNS ignite within his eyes. R.P. #3(estacticly): I'm going to be RICH! I'll have $50.000 bucks in THREE DAYS!! IT REALLY WORKS! CUT BACK TO TIGHT SHOT OF THE ACTION R.P. #3 starts DANCING toward the BLOB of SPAM. BAS-JAN: NOOO! DON'T... R.P. #3 dives HEAD-FIRST into the SPAM. We see the SMILING and CHEERING R.P. being ASSIMILATED by the BLOB as it grows to roughly TWICE its size. In this process, it ENGULFS R.P. #2, who was standing closest to it. R.P.#2 (screaming in ecstasy while being assimilated): YUMYUM! TASTY SEX MUFFINS, and the recepy is only ONE DOLLAR!! R.P. #1 and R.P. #4 drop their batons in awe, look at each other briefly, then, as one, both pull out their pistols and start FIRING a salvo of BULLETS at the BLOB... ...But the BULLETS simply bounce off the BLOB and RICOCHET back to the R.P.'s, hitting several vital organs. Screaming in agony, they fall to their feet and the BLOB engulfs their bodies. The camera follows one more bounced BULLET, which hits the metal plate with the HOUSE NUMBER of the BAR behind them (an ADDRESS PLAQUE if you will), which we follow DROPPING to the floor, then see an extreme CLOSE-UP of it. We then hear a CLANK as BAS-JAN's FOOT runs over the METAL PLAQUE. The previously frozen BAS-JAN, who has been watching the spectacle in awe, now high-tails it into the BAR and SLAMS the door shut behind him. TO POV of the BLOB: The view lingers on the place where the PLAQUE was, then TURNS as the confused BLOB, unable to identify the ADDRESS, moves further down the street. SHARPLY CUT TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE (We hear a THUMPING noise in the background). Close up: The RED PHONE starts to ring and GERTHEIN picks it up. GERTHEIN (to phone): I hope you have a good reason to disturb our "Sith... BAS-JAN (interrupting, off - through phone): HELP! The city is under attack.. again!! CUT TO: INT. RASSM BAR BAS-JAN is talking through an old-fashioned phone. In the background, we see many agitated people shaking in fear, some gulping down drinks to calm themselves. In fact, BAS-JAN himself is holding a full GLASS of PORT and BAS-JAN alternates taking a gulp from it with talking through the phone. BAS-JAN: It's the.. It's the the SPAM! CUT BACK TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE GERTHEIN(shouting): Oh NO! The others gather around GERTHEIN as he turns on the SPEAKER-option of the PHONE. CLOSE UP OF SPEAKER (The THUMPING noise in the background continues). BAS-JAN (through Speaker): I've lost the Blue shirts! All R.P.'s are R.I.P. We must.. (suddenly the line goes dead). GERTHEIN (shocked): Bas-Jan? BAS-JAN!! CUT BACK TO: INT. RASSM BAR BAS-JAN, getting drunk from the drinks, has dropped the phone. BAS-JAN: Oopsie.. CUT BACK TO: INT. RASSM CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE GERTHEIN has hung up the phone and turns to face the others present (MAX, RIMRUNNER, PAULA and DARK RENDAR). GERTHEIN: We may have lost Bas-Jan to..(dramatic pause) the SPAM! The others recoil in horror! (We still hear the THUMPING). GERTHEIN: That's right: the commercially driven substance that is as horrific as it is useless. It annihilates everything in his path, and causes it's prey to..to SPAM itself.. RIMRUNNER: I hate the Spam! (dramatically) It killed my family.. (less dramatically) And it has no nutricianal value either! What are our options? PAULA: There may be a solution.. PAULA moves closer to GERTHEIN and whispers something in his ear. GERTHEIN's grimaces in horror. MAX (softly to RENDAR, grinning): She's talking dirty to him again.. GERTHEIN: No, we *must* have other options.. MAX walks to the window. MAX (as if reading from a cue-card): Oh, I don't know what this Spam-stuff is that supposedly killed Bas-Jan, but it's far too beautiful a day to keep the windows closed! CHIEF RENDAR (shouting to Max in panic): Max! NO! MAX opens the window, and immediatly a BLOB of SPAM, about three feet in diameter, pours through! MAX just manages to DODGE it as it lunges for him. (We still hear the THUMPING). RIMRUNNER (grimly determined): I'll deal with it, I know the type! RIMRUNNER immediatly draws her AK-47 and inserts a cartridge of AMMO in it. A brief EXTREME CLOSE-UP of the cartridge shows that all bullets are engraved with the words "UNSUBSCRIBE" or "REMOVE". RIMRUNNER fires a salvo of bullets into the BLOB of SPAM, which with a nice CGI-effect explodes into dozens of pieces which all fall out of the open window. The four RASSMers rush to the window and two stories below they see the little BLOBS all fall into a HUGE BLOB that has FILLED the street below that stretches on beyond the horizon: the SPAM has expanded incredibly! A new BLOB splits off and heads up slowly toward the window. CHIEF RENDAR quickly closes the window and the blinds, and all back away from it. MAX: Thanks Rim, that was quick thinking.. for a woman! (Max is a rugged, old-fashioned -- yes, even clichéd Army General that has some prejudice against women at this point.) GERTHEIN (angrily to MAX): Unlike YOU! Opening the window, what *were* you... We hear the THUMPING again, and this time, GERTHEIN is interrupted by it. It is a knock on the door, and GERTHEIN opens it. CHRIS LAYNE and GRAY LEADER come falling through the door. CHRIS (getting up from the floor): Finally you let us in! The City is under attack!! Huge blobs of SPAM! GERTHEIN peeks through the door, into the huge CITY HALL that is through it and below. It is filled with screaming and shaking people, and all that can be seen through the windows is PINKNESS. We see the RASSM CITY HALL clearly now for the first time in this film: the Major's Office Door is raised about 15 feet above the huge hall's floor, a steep staircase leading up to a wooden balcony of about 6 by 12 feet that is before the office door. GRAY LEADER (to Gerthein): We've got to do something! Everyone has fled indoors as the Spam engulfs the streets, but it keeps on growing stronger! Pretty soon, it'll burst through the doors and windows! (As GRAY says this, we see black-and-white images of what he is talking about: SPAM-BLOBS filling the streets, people fleeing indoors in agony, and the BLOBS pounding the windows. We also see more and more BLOBS cling together to form the HUGE BLOB that we saw filling the streets earlier). RIMRUNNER (solemnly): When the SPAM attacked my people, we eventually managed to defeat them. CHRIS, GERTHEIN, MAX, RENDAR and PAULA (in unison): HOW?! RIMRUNNER: We changed all our addresses. Took the plaques off of our mailboxes, and the numbers of our houses. The confused Spam eventually moved along. There is a dramatic silence. Finally, MAX breaks it. MAX: Typical plan for a woman! It would never work! Suddenly, BAS-JAN comes running into the office. BAS-JAN: Phew! I made it! Guys, I have the sollution. I saw it happen when I entered the bar.. The Spam couldn't find me there, so: *we must change the addresses*! GERTHEIN: You're alive! MAX (cheering): Excellent idea! Let's do it! RIMRUNNER (royally pissed off by the fact that MAX takes a tired, drunk commissioner's word over that of an experienced Councilmember that just saved his butt, but surpressing it for the duration of the emergency -- NOTE: this attitude requires incredible acting talent to convey.. I'm thinking Uma Thurman here... but I digress): But how? We can't go out there and manually change them all! Suddenly, MAX snaps his fingers in realisation and pops out a portable computer. MAX: I've got it! If I use my military-issue Power Max(tm) to log on to the RASSM Post-office and change all addresses in the Main Postal Computer, that may do the trick! GERTHEIN: Hmmm.. very Independence Day-style Silver-bullet-esque... I like it! Do it, General! Everyone gathers around MAX as he turns on his computer and is greated by a soothing female voice. POWERMAX: Good Morning, Max. How about a game of Ski Free (tm)? MAX (surpressing an urge to say yes): Uhm.. no..not now. I need to break into the RASSM Post-Office Computer. POWERMAX: Suit yourself... CLOSE-UP of COMPUTER, as it shows a beautiful CGI image of the Post-office, with the various computer terminals that it contains super-imposed over it. We slightly pan-out as, in typical movie-fashion, MAX begins rattling away frantically on the keyboard despite the fact that the interface on the screen is clearly mouse-driven. MAX (stopping): I need the password, deputy-major! GERTHEIN: It's "ENFFZ". MAX enters it, and in typical HUGE FLASHING LETTERS we see ACCESS GRANTED appear on the screen. MAX (smiling): Changing addresses... MAX: Done! The group moves to the window, and sees the BLOB below immediatly parting, splitting up in smaller BLOBS that all swirl around in confusion, finally heading off into the horizon. GERTHEIN peeks through the door again, and LIGHT begins to pour through the CITY HALL's windows. The crowd cheers! MAX (looking in the camera, holding up the portable): The Power to Save The City. The group in the MAJOR'S OFFICE begins to cheer and hug each other (people have to continually cut-in on PAULA who otherwise won't let go of the person she's hugging). Even RIMRUNNER and MAX exchange hugs despite their previous differences (audiences should go "Aaaah...how sweet!" here). GERTHEIN: Rimrunner, you seem less cheery than the others... what's wrong? We won! CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER's face RIMRUNNER (grimly): It'll be back... FADE TO BLACK *** FADE-IN TO RASSM CITY-HALL There is a party going on in the City Hall. Every RASSM Citizen is present. GERTHEIN, BAS-JAN, CHIEF RENDAR, MAX and RAKELLE (who has just arrived in town) are looking at the spectacle from the high balcony that is in front of the MAJOR'S OFFICE door. MAX and BAS-JAN are waving to the crowd as they occasionally yell their names, for they are the current heroes. Most of the applause, however, is directed at the BAND that is present: Murder of Crows. RIMRUNNER and her band-members, among which a TALL, SCARY-LOOKING BASS PLAYER, and a smaller guy named ASTERISK, are playing all their best rock-tunes and the RASSM Throng is moving to the music frantically. BASS-PLAYER: Thank you! Thank you! Our next song is our latest single. It's called "I got 2000 requests for a picture of the drummer in leather pants in my in-box today, oh yeah.". (to band) Hit it! Almost on cue, the huge DOUBLE DOORS of RASSM City Hall swing open and a huge BLOB of SPAM starts pouring in! The Throng screams in anguish as many are engulfed by the pink substance. Among cries of "Yes! More SEX MUFFINS!", "Windshieldwipers are COOL!" and "This is a UNIQUE BUSINESS OPPURTUNITY!", many innocent RASSMers fall victim to the horrible substance. The SQUISHING SOUNDS also return in full force. The Camera pans across the horror-stricken faces of the RASSMers on the balcony to the determined face of RIMRUNNER. RIMRUNNER(grimly): It's back. PAN OUT TO WIDER SHOT The Band is standing on a raised STAGE, so the BLOB of SPAM hasn't reached them yet, but it is advancing. A few RASSMers, among whom CHRIS LAYNE, GRAY LEADER, PAULA and BRIAN LINDER, have managed to climb up the stage and are among the few survivors of the onslaught. But the BLOB is still growing, and threatens to engulf the stage. CLOSE-UP OF BRIAN: BRIAN LINDER (whipping out a portable camera and microphone): This is news-hound Brian Linder for WWGN, The eight o'clock Cool news! RASSM City Hall is being assaulted by the SPAM! This is.. AAARGH! TO WIDE SHOT: The BLOB of SPAM has begun engulfing the STAGE and poor Brian is it's first victim. He is starting to be ASSIMILATED with a disgustingly SLIMY sound. TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP of BRIAN LINDER: BRIAN (CGI HEARTS forming in his eyes): YES! I need not L@@K any further! The LIVE SINGLES PARTY LINE is the place for me! Who cares that I have a girlfriend! It's KEWL, man! As BRIAN is further assimilated by the PINK SLIME, the camera pans to the small group of six survivors on stage: RIMRUNNER, the BASS PLAYER, band member ASTERISK, PAULA, GRAY and CHRIS. They are looking at BRIAN's demise in horror and disgust. RIMRUNNER isn't waisting any time. Under a rythmic version of the "Theme of MacGyver", she is bending her fiberglass drumsticks together to form some sort of bent cross. The BASS-PLAYER opens his GUITAR CASE and gets out his SPARE SNARES and starts tying them together. Meanwhile, ASTERISK is quivering with fear. The SQUISHING SOUNDS get louder. ASTERISK: *We* *Must* *Do* *Something*!!! GRAY and CHRIS see the BLOB approaching, and the camera swirls to show what they see: It has finished assimilating BRIAN and, despite the fact that we saw it move at breakneck pace during the opening scenes of the movie, it now approaches the survivors incredibly slowly. CHRIS: Hurry, guys! It's *coming*! PAULA: Coming? Must be those Sex Muffi.. um.. sorry, my dirty mind again.. ZIP PAN to the BASS PLAYER and RIMRUNNER. The BASS PLAYER is tying his long line of spare snares to RIM's bent drumsticks to form a GRAPPLING HOOK. RIMRUNNER takes the hook as the BASS PLAYER grabs her waist. RIMRUNNER: Guys! Grab hold of me! CLOSE-UP: GRAY and CHRIS looking at each other. BOTH: With PLEASURE! GRAY and CHRIS nearly fall over themselves to reach RIMRUNNER. PAULA grabs tight hold of the BASS PLAYER and the quivering ASTERISK tighly grips PAULA in turn. Both GRAY and CHRIS grab hold of RIMRUNNER but a stern look of the TALL SCARY BASS PLAYER dissuades them from grabbing anything other than a leg and an arm respectively. RIMRUNNER (appreciative, to Bass Player): Nice to have someone around who can loom! POV of the BLOB of SPAM: We hear the SPQUISHING SOUNDS grow louder as we see RIMRUNNER swirl around her HOOK with the BALL of PEOPLE wrapped around her. Then, RIM throws the hook. We ZIP PAN to where the hook goes: the BALCONY, from where the group of RASSM regulars has been safely watching the spectacle. Unfortunatly, it just FALLS SHORT of the BALCONY. RAKELLE thinks quickly and DIVES OFF the BALCONY after the HOOK, grabbing it firmly with both hands. CHIEF RENDAR, in turn thinking quickly, grabs RAKELLE'S LEGS before she falls down into the blob-ness below. GERTHEIN: Good move Rendar, that was quick thinking! RENDAR (grinning, whispering to Gerthein): Hey, anything to look up her skirt! We ZIP BACK to RIMRUNNER and co. who are getting ready to SWING to the BALCONY, the BLOB still approaching. CHRIS promptly KISSES RIMRUNNER WITH PASSION ON THE MOUTH. RIMRUNNER is startled by this move, and she doesn't seem to like it much. CHRIS (grinning): For luck! RIMRUNNER: Syeah... right! TO SLIGHTLY WIDER SHOT: The BALL of PEOPLE swings away from the stage and towards the BALCONY just as the SPAM BLOB makes a dive for their position. With a disgusting *SQUASH!*, the piece of BLOB that made the dive-attack falls hard on the stage. We follow the swinging team as RIMRUNNER and the others near the BALCONY and are helped up by the people on the BALCONY. PAN TO a SHOT from the action from above: Below, we see the floor filled with blobness. The SPAM is gathering tighter together, slowly forming a COLUMN of SPAM and reaching for the RASSMers that are still dangling from the BALCONY. CLOSE UP of the TOP of the SPAM COLUMN: The last (bare) FOOT of a person not yet on the BALCONY, band member ASTERISK, still dangels close to the BLOB. RAKELLE, who now stands on the balcony, is frantically pulling ASTERISK up by his arm. ASTERISKS other hand holds on to the railing of the BALCONY. As we slightly pan out, we see the ASTERISK nervously looking down at the approaching pilar. ASTERISK(shouting to RAKELLE): *Hurry!* *Help* *Pull* *me* *up*!! But a BLOB like tentacle of SPAM springs forth from the COLUMN and GRABS ASTERISK'S FOOT! In a SHOT FROM ABOVE we see ASTERISK rapidly turning PINK, letting go of RAKELLE and the BALCONY and rapidly falling downwards, grinning. ASTERISK: *This Chainletter will bring me LUCK! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHH!!!* With a disgusting SPLASH, ASTERISK falls into the LOWER PORTION of the COLUMN of SPAM. From above, we pull in closer as the SPAM stirs for a moment, then violently SPITS OUT a HUMAN SKULL. The camera follows the SKULL as it lands in RIMRUNNER's hands. TO CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER RIMRUNNER: (dramatically) Alas, poor *, I knew him well. Panning down, the BLOB of SPAM starts to GROW with the absorbtion of this latest victim, and now, the SPAM-tenctacle just reaches the wooden BALCONY itself and starts ripping it from it's seams! We pull in close to the place where the BALCONY is fastened to the WALL: The WOOD groans as the BALCONY is slowly torn from the wall! The CROWD, SHAKING with the balcony, screams in agony! GERTHEIN (opening the door to the office): Cut the Shakespear, Rim! Inside, all of you! BAS-JAN, RENDAR, PAULA and GRAY run into the office first. When the wooden balcony starts to fall, RIMRUNNER, GERTHEIN, CHRIS and RAKELLE dive manage to dive in one after another. The BASS PLAYER, however, falls short and just manages to grab the DOORSTEP. The SPAM tentacle grabs him, and in a SHOT from ABOVE, the crowd sees him turn PINK as DOLLOR SIGNS form in his eyes. Everyone put CHRIS recoils in horror. CHRIS grins. CHRIS (sarcastically, looking down at the BASS-PLAYER): Ain't no-one gonna stop me from having a shot at Gen now! TO POV of CHRIS: Suddenly, the BASS PLAYER starts chuckling horrifically. BASS PLAYER (chuckling, to Chris): Won't you join my CHAIN-LETTER?! Suddenly, the BASS PLAYER'S arms (which are already starting to look slimy) grab a screaming CHRIS by the legs, and he pulls him out of the DOORWAY to his doom below! ZIP PAN TO INSIDE of RASSM MAYOR'S OFFICE RIMRUNNER slams the door shut. CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER RIMRUNNER (wryly): He shouldn't have called me Gen. WIDE SHOT at the RASSMers.. we hear THUMPING and see the door shake, as the BLOB (with the added tallness of the BASS PLAYER now able to reach the DOOR) tries to slam it open again. GERTHEIN (trying to get ahold of himself): It's a good thing that's an oak door. Oak is nice.. RAKELLE (in desperation): What do we do now?! BAS-JAN wastes no time: he picks up the phone and starts dialing rapidly. BAS-JAN (to Gerthein): With all due respect, I think we need the *real* major now! (through phone) Yes, I need to speak to Mayor Handley, Rich Handley! (disappointed:) Whaddaya mean "he can't come to the phone because his wife is giving birth"?! Pathetic excuses! Look, this is important! We need him! GET RICH QUICK! GRAY (shocked): Get Rich quick? Commisioner Bas-Jan! You're starting to sound just like.. the Spam! BAS-JAN (suddenly stunned, horror on his face, quietly hanging up the phone): Oh no! We must move fast! Another powerful THUMP is heard at the door. The crowd turns their head toward it silently.. paralyzed by fear. Suddenly, PAULA rips the painting of RICH HANDLEY from the wall to reveal a SAFE. This ellicits SHOCKED LOOKS from both GERTHEIN and CHIEF RENDAR. But PAULA just nods slowly. GERTHEIN: NO! It's too dangerous! RENDAR: We *can't* use.. (dramatic pause).. The Device! PAULA (determined): You know it's the only way! RIMRUNNER (suddenly aware of what PAULA is hinting at; totally out-of-character): No, we can.. we can run away! Run away instead! Run away, Luke! Yeah, that's it! RAKELLE, BAS-JAN, MAX and GRAY (as one, to Paula): Would you mind telling us what you're talking about? Another THUMP is heard. Looking at the door, GERTHEIN sighs. GERTHEIN: We have no other choice. Paula, open the safe. Chief, clue the others in on what's in it. CHIEF RENDAR takes a deep breath, then starts wiggling his hands in typical "Wayne's World"-flashback fashion. RENDAR: Wudlywudlywudlywudly! We dissolve into a black-and-white image of a man in a white coat with a huge hunchback, obviously a scientist of some sort, tinkering away at a mysterious black box, aboy 5 by 5 by 5 inch. RENDAR (in voice over): Not too long ago, this city was overrun by a crimewave. In the chaos that followed the split-up of the bulging huge RASS-City into three new ones, -- of which RASSM-City was the largest -- software-pirates, trolls and other vermin rose to new heights. In desperation, Mayor Handley approached Professor Plot, a devout Trekkie but a brilliant scientist, to create someting to rid the city of these enemies. RENDAR (con'td in v-o): So, he created a device that did just that: rid us of all the horrid people that plagued the city. We cut to a black and white, vague image of the same box transforming (with beautiful CGI morphing) into what appear to be two huge black grabbing hands. They fly across the screen and grab all sorts of strange folk -- trolls, AOLers, etc.-- and tossing them far away. RENDAR (in v-o): But the device did more: it solved our housing problem.. We see the Box morph into a black hammer, and slam polls into the ground, with a sign saying "New REAL-ESTATE in 1995" in the background. RENDAR (in v-o): Our education-problem... We see the same hammer slug more polls into the ground, with a sign saying "RASSM City Newbie FAQ School: April 1996" in the background. RENDAR (in v-o): And my concentration-problem. We see RENDAR with a watering can, watering plants, humming, gazing off, not realizing that he is watering his shoes now. The black hammer floats back on screen, hitting RENDAR hard on the head. RENDAR (in v-o): But there was one downside to all this: without any problems, RASSM City became an incredibly boring place, especially since the hammer also dared slam anyone who complained about Ewoks or dared discuss any demerits of any movie (especially ones that start with "STAR"). Because of this boredom, many RASSMers, among whom the Mayor himself, left the city in search of more exciting things to do. So, we confronted Prof. Plot with this.. We see RENDAR, PAULA and GERTHEIN standing in a room with the hunchbacked PROFESSOR PLOT. PLOT is talking frantically, waving his arms about to emphasize the points he is making. RENDAR (in v-o): But the professor simply told us to move on to doing other useful things with our time, such as metaphorically discussing more important things such as substance abuse, discrimination, the pressure of career-making and more such items normally found in... (dramatic pause).. STAR TREK EPISODES!! (pauses to sigh deeply). We then realized that Plot was not only a Trekkie, he was a... Star Wars Hater... as well. So, I did the only humane thing.. We see RENDAR pull out a bazooka and blowing PLOT's head off. RENDAR (in v-o): We then captured the Device.. We see RIMRUNNER eying the black box from behind a bush, then firing a Net-thrower at it. RENDAR (in v-o): And locked it in the safe.. We see a POV shot from the box as it lies in the safe, looking at the safe-dooropening as it slowly closes, leaving nothing but blackness... FADE back IN to the (colored) here-and now, to a CLOSE-UP of RENDAR's FACE. RENDAR: And that's the story... So we can use the device against the Spam, but we'd risk a new period of RASSM Boredom. (we hear another THUMP in the background). However, (dramatically), we have no choice... GERTHEIN: Syeah and besides, it's gonna be pretty boring here anyway, what with everyone being dead and all... RAKELLE, BAS-JAN and GRAY stare at RENDAR in awe. MAX, however, has fallen asleep. ZIP-PAN to PAULA OPENING the SAFE. PAUL (exhausted): Finally! 1-2-3-4-5 is a hard combination to remember! Everyone but MAX, who is still sleeping, huddles around the safe. We see the door swing open, and we push in on a familiar Black Box that lies in it, but now that we can see it more clearly, we see it contains a gold FEDERATION LOGO as well. GERTHEIN (off, dramatically): Ladies and gentlemen:... the PLOT-DEVICE. We ZIP-PAN to the DOOR as, suddenly, the it totally BURNS away, and the SPAM pours in, engulfing MAX first. The others turn to the SPAM in horror. MAX (waking up): Huh? YES! FREE PILLOW CASE if I order a totally useless item, NOW! (suffocating, drowning in the slime) GURGLE...! As MAX disappears under the SPAM, RIMRUNNER grabs the BLACK BOX from the safe and backs away from the PINK SUBSTANCE. GERTHEIN, BAS-JAN, PAULA, RAKELLE and GRAY foolishly step up to face the SLIMY BLOB that approaches. From the POV of the BLOB, we see GERTHEIN, BAS-JAN, PAULA, GRAY and RAKELLE scream in horror as they are ENGULFED by PINKNESS. RIMRUNNER jumps up on one of the comfy LEADER CHAIRS in the room., as we see in a WIDE SHOT that the BLOB rapidly covers the ENTIRE FLOOR of the office. As the other CHAIRS and furnature immediatly SINK into the SPAM, the CHAIR that RIM is on just wobbles as it now FLOATS on a SEA of SPAM, *slowly* SINKING in it. In a WIDE SHOT, we see SPAM TENTACLES rise up from the SEA and slowly approach the CHAIR. RIMRUNNER repeatedly hits the BOX with her fist: RIMRUNNER (getting desperate; to box): Hear me baby? Help me out here! CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER as she BLOWS the dust off the device. With a CGI-lens flare effect, we now see the STAR TREK LOGO glimmer. All the dust, however, makes RIMRUNNER go into a COUGHING FIT. RIMRUNNER: Damn! And I thought cat-hairs were bad! Coughing, she drops the box, which the camera follows, onto the CHAIR SEAT. It starts to slip off, but as it tips over the side, RIMRUNNERS hands just manage to grab it. It partly dips into the slime, however, causing the GOLD LOGO to BURN OFF. Suddenly, we see the BOX morph beautifully into a huge JET-BLACK VACUUM-CLEANER in RIMRUNNER's hands. We slightly pan out as RIMRUNNER stands up to full stature (even though she's a tad on the short side), wielding the DEVICE, in its new form, with Schwartzeneggerian style. WIDE SHOT of the WOBBLY FLOATING LEATHER CHAIR in the office's SEA of SPAM with a solitary FEMALE figure on it wielding a humunguos black VACUUM-CLEANER: the *visual*! RIMRUNNER (to herself, looking at the Vacuum-cleaner): It's like I always say: Good guys wear black! CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER's finger as she flicks the black ON/OFF switch. We pull back and see RIM recoil under the enormous sucking power she has unleashed. RIMRUNNER (one-liner-esque): You're PLONKED, pal! In a WIDE SHOT, the SPAM SEA is totally SUCKED IN by the VACUUM CLEANER. We see the ground CLEAN UP; The BAG keeps on growing as RIMRUNNER can now step down on the ground. With the SPAM still flying into the VACUUM, RIM slowly walks to the DOOR-OPENING to suck up the SPAM COLUMN rising up from the CITY-HALL and into the office. WIDE SHOT FROM ABOVE The VAC, wielded by RIMRUNNER, continues to SUCK UP the SPAM. Soon, the HALL is empty, but SPAM still streams in through the huge DOUBLE DOORS. Finally, it stops flowing in as RIMRUNNER has sucked up all the SPAM, but not before the BAG has reached a incredible size. As RIMRUNNER hangs the VACUUM CLEANER out of the doorway, we see that it fills half of the CITY HALL. Under the weight, RIMRUNNER looses her balance and falls from the office doorway into the CITY HALL below. RIMRUNNER (falling; grinning): That SUCKED! As RIMRUNNER falls, the VACUUM-CLEANER BAG suddenly EXPLODES VIOLENTLY, and ALL RASSMers that have been eaten by the SPAM pop out, falling to the ground. The camera zips past the falling crowds, and we recognize GERTHEIN, GRAY LEADER, MAX, PAULA, the BAND MEMBERS, BAS-JAN, CHIEF RENDAR, CHRIS LAYNE and RAKELLE, among others. We also see BRIAN LINDER, who pops out a microphone as the camera lingers on him. BRIAN (to audience): Well folks, looks like Resident RASSM Bitch-Goddess Rimrunner has *saved the day* again! This is newshound Brian Linder, signing out! In a WIDE SHOT from above, we see ALL FALLING RASSMERS whip out different colored UMBRELLAS to float down safely. The beautiful rainbow colors look fantastic from here, and we hear the RASSMers CHEER WILDLY. Far from RIMRUNNER, MAX, CHRIS, RENDAR, PAULA, BAS-JAN and RAKELLE floating about. MAX (shouting to RIMRUNNER): I'll never see women as stupid ever again!! CHRIS (shouting to RIMRUNNER): I'll never see women as pieces of meat that are only good to..um.. *flirt* with. RENDAR (shouting to RIMRUNNER): And I'll never look up their dresses again! (to himself) Well... maybe... PAULA: And I'll stop talking dirty.. though God knows why! BAS-JAN: And I'll stay off the booze! (dramatically, in camera:) Drinking isn't the answer! RAKELLE: And I'll take my job as Council Member more seriously now, and not just come to the parties.. Heck, I'm not a party-person anyway! (beat) Hey, waitaminute! Rendar, did you look up my skirt?! RAKELLE hits CHIEF RENDAR hard with her umbrella. We cut to GERTHEIN, wielding a hot pink umbrella in his right hand, who floats up to RIMRUNNER, who holds (of course) a black one in her left hand. GERTHEIN: Ah, what a patheticly and unrealisticly happy yet strangely satisfying ending: The SPAM is destroyed, all RASSMers are back alive, several RASSMers have learned valueable lessons, and the Plot-Device is destroyed so we needn't fear a new period of boredom! Thank you, Rimrunner, and congratulations! RIMRUNNER extends her right hand to accept the congratulations. GERTHEIN lets go of his UMBRELLA to shake her hand with his right, promply falling down rapidly, screaming. The camera holds on RIMRUNNER as this clichéd slapstick sequence continues: we hear GERTHEIN's scream eb away, and RIMRUNNER blinks as we hear a THUD. CLOSE-UP of RIMRUNNER RIMRUNNER (to audience): That's going to leave a mark... As RIMRUNNER throws the audience a very CHEESY WINK, we FADE TO BLACK. ROLL END CREDITS