From: Jen Habley Subject: Star Wars Pants Date: Fri, 05 Sep 1997 18:20:43 -0500 Hey all, got this in one of my mailing groups, thought some of you might like it. :) ------- Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words: - - We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. - - The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts. - - I find your lack of pants disturbing. - - These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. - - Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time! - - General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault. - - I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home. - - TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants? - - Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants. - - You are unwise to lower your pants. - - She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. - - Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. - - You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark. - - Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off. - - Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants. - - That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational! - - A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. - - Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot pants more heavily guarded than this. - - Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness. - - Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. . . Your sister! - - Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. - - Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie. - - Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive. - - I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants. - - You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought. - - Yesssss. The hate is swelling in your pants. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Davin Felth Date: Fri, 05 Sep 1997 20:09:13 -0400 1) May the Pants be with you. 2) Luke to Palpatine: Your overconfidence is your weakness. Palpatine to Luke: Your faith in your pants is yours! 3) Vader to Luke: Only your pants can destroy me! 4) Owen to Luke: You can waste time with your pants when your chores are done. 5) Rebel to Han on Hoth: Your pants'll freeze before you reach the first marker! 6) Luke to Vader: Your pants betray you, Father. I feel the good in you. 7) Luke to Vader: Search your feelings, Father, let go of your pants! 8) Leia to Lando: You certainly have a way with pants. 9) Yoda to Luke: Judge me by my pants, do you? 10) Yoda to Luke: Adventure, hah! Pants, hah! A Jedi craves not these things. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: tarkin@womens.slippers.com (James Trory) Date: Sat, 06 Sep 1997 02:51:51 GMT Why, you slimey, double-crossing, no-good swindler! You've got a lot of guts coming here, Ted 3000, after what you pulled! >My 2 cents: > >"Look, sir. Pants!" > >"Hey! We don't serve thier kind. You pants! You'll have to leave them outside!" "Hey, Luke..... may your pants be with you." (too obvious!!!) Actually, a lot of these might go well with the sexually titled lines. Lets see: "Curse my metal pants, I wasn't fast enough!" "Look at the size of those pants!" "Put those pants away before you get us all killed!" "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull your pants off in time?" "And I thought these pants smelled bad...on the *outside*!" "There's an awful lot of moisture in these pants." "Size matters not. Judge me by the size of my pants, do you?" "Hey! Point those pants someplace else!" "I need more pants." "I think you'll fit in these pants nicely." "Move closer! Get along side those pants!" ________________________________________________________________________________ From: wkibbe@concentric.net (Cindy Kibbe) Date: Sat, 06 Sep 1997 17:14:24 GMT "That armor's too strong for blasters! Rogue Group, use your pants, it may be our only chance of stopping them!" [In the Ewok net] "Han, can you reach my pants?" "Sure." [Yoda to Luke at the Darkside cave] "Your pants. You will not need them." [Lando to Vader, carbonite processor] "We only use these pants for carbon freezing. If you put him in there, it might kill him." [ESB, Leia to Han] "I love your pants." "I know." ________________________________________________________________________________ From: sharon white Date: Sat, 06 Sep 1997 20:12:39 GMT How about "Lock onto the strongest power source. It should be their pants." ________________________________________________________________________________ From: i.love.sci.fi@mindspring.com (Obee Juan) Date: Sat, 6 Sep 1997 21:38:42 -0400 I don't think I saw these... "May the pants be with you". "That's no moon. That's a pair of pants." (This can be loosely interpreted in more than one way ;) "He doesn't like you. I don't like you either. You just better watch your pants." ________________________________________________________________________________ From: wkibbe@concentric.net (Cindy Kibbe) Date: Sun, 07 Sep 1997 03:53:41 GMT I rarely post twice in one day, but I just kept thinking of things: ANH: "Pants. Now, I haven't worn those in a long time. A long time." "But I was going in to Toche station to pick up some pants!" "Luke, in those pants, will you be able to pull out in time?!" "Look at the size of those pants!" "Boy, you said it, Chewie. Where did you dig up those old pants?" "Luke better get those pants up by midday or there'll be hell to pay." "Pants can have a strong influence on the weak minded." "How long have you had those pants?" "3 or 4 seasons, I guess." "They're for sale if you want them." "Look, sir...pants!" (Sorry, Davin) ESB: "Pants don't concern me. I want that ship." "Pants...we don't need their kind of scum." "Two pants against a Star Destroyer?" ROTJ: "I present a gift to you. These two pants." "Your feelings are strong, especially for...pantssss!" "Shhh. You have hibernation sickness. Your pants will return to you in time." Cindy K. ;-) "They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally, they became heroes." ---Leia Organa of Alderaan, Senator (Star Wars, the novel) ________________________________________________________________________________ From: pleasedontspamdvoraktsyn@mindspring.com (mdb) Date: Sun, 07 Sep 1997 07:53:44 GMT I'm not gonna get violent, wkibbe@concentric.net (Cindy Kibbe). I'm not gonna hit ya. I'm not gonna hit ya. Aw, the hell I'm not: Pants are what give a Jedi his power. >"They were in the wrong pants at the wrong time. Naturally, they became heroes." >---Leia Organa of Alderaan, Senator (Star Wars, the novel) ________________________________________________________________________________ From: schischk@ihug.co.nz Date: Sun, 07 Sep 1997 05:21:10 -0600 Rotj: "It's you choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my pants" ________________________________________________________________________________ From: tarkin@womens.slippers.com (James Trory) Date: Sun, 07 Sep 1997 13:42:56 GMT [Picture the scene: Luke and Ben line up as nature calls (Artoo and Threepio stand outside - they're not allowed in). Suddenly, five stormtroopers pile up either side of them, trying to get out of their uniforms for a bit of relief. The trooper with the orange pad spots Luke and looks down] TROOPER: How long have you had those pants? LUKE: About 2-4 seasons. [Ben overhears] BEN: They're for sale if you want them. TROOPER: Let me see your pants. BEN: You don't need to see his pants. [The trooper looks to his pals] TROOPER: We don't need to see his pants. BEN: These aren't the pants your looking for. TROOPER: These aren't the pants we're looking for. BEN: He can go about his business. TROOPER: You can go about your business. [Luke relaxes] BEN: Move along. TROOPER: Move along! [Luke isn't finished, but he's a good boy and does as he is told. He quickly zips up his fly and he and Ben slide out of the door quietly] ________________________________________________________________________________ From: tarkin@womens.slippers.com (James Trory) Date: Sun, 07 Sep 1997 13:42:57 GMT HAN: Everything's under control, situation normal. OFFICER: What happened? HAN: Uh... we had a slight, uh, pants malfunction, but everything's fine.... we're all fine here now.... thank you. How are you? OFFICER: We're sending some pants up. HAN: Uh, negative, negative. We have a large pair of pants. Uh, give us a few minutes to put them on.... large pants, very dangerous!! OFFICER: Who is this? What are the colour of your pants? HAN: Uh.... boring pair of pants anyway! ________________________________________________________________________________ From: you@somewhere.intime (usher) Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 18:11:37 GMT I've got the death pants in twelve systems. I've got the death sentence in twelve pants. I should have known you'd be holding Vader's pants. Then I'll see you in Pants!! I already tried it. It's sealed with pants. Something just moved past my leg. It's just your pants. You won't need those pants anymore. Biggs's right. I'll never get out of my pants. He's got too much of his pants in him. That's what I'm afraid of. I've never seen so much devotion in pants before... then these are your pants. I don't seem to recall owning any pants. They frighten easily, but they'll soon be back, and with more pants. Sir, if you'll not be needing me I'll pants-down for a while. The one you're carrying around in your rusty pants! Please don't pants me. I told him not to go. If there's a bright center to the universe, we're in the pants that it's farthest from. It's sandpeople alright. There're two pants down there. Into the pants flyboy. You got us into this. Haven't you got any pants to get us out of this mess? He's the pants, sister. Threepio, hand me those pants. I'm gonna put these pants... Han, you put them on. Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who pantsed him? Who, who are you? Someone who pants you. I pants you. I know. I don't trust him either, but he has my pants. E pants! pants....pants.....pants.... I suppose you're programmed for etiquitte and protocol. Yes, sir. It's my primary function. I've no need for... Of course you don't, sir. Not in pants such as this. Do you speak Pants? I am fluent in over 6 million forms of pants. My first job was programming binary pants lifters, very similar to your pants vaporators in most respects. Send out a distress signal and inform the Senate that all abord were pantsed. You can pants the Emperor. He has forseen it. I'm endangering the pants. My father wears them, I wear them, my sister wears them. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Rakelle Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 14:18:14 +0200 I want those pants, not excuses! It was your father's pants. He wanted you to have them when you were older. You must feel the Force around you. Between you - me - the tree - the rock -everywhere. Yes even between you and your pants. I am altering the pants. Pray I do not alter them any further. My pants are dirty. -My pants are dirty too. What are you afraid of? ________________________________________________________________________________ From: jedial@aol.com (Jedi Al) Date: 8 Sep 1997 14:20:55 GMT The great Jabba the Hutt hopes you will die honorably, but should any of you wish to beg for pants, he will now listen to your pleas! Threepio, you pants that slimy piece of worm ridden filth, he'll get no such pleasure from us! ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Erin Fencil Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 15:26:56 -0400 Darth Vader and Boba Fett are in an Imperial laundromat, and Vader is pouring what seems to be way too much bleach into the machine. Boba Fett glares at Vader. "They're no good to me bleached." "Put the pants in the cargo hold--I mean, in the washer." "As you wish." Vader puts some credits into the washing machine, and Fett anxiously watches it shake and spit suds. "What if the pants don't survive? They're worth a lot to me." "The Empire will compensate you if they shrink." Twenty minutes later, Boba Fett removes his pants from the dryer and angrily turns to Vader, shouting, "You idiot! You told me you took the kneepad rocket launchers OFF the pants before you washed them! They're ruined! This is the last time I let you do the laundry!" "What, do you think you're being treated unfairly?" ________________________________________________________________________________ From: fakeaddress@nowhere.net (s1620) Date: 9 Sep 1997 00:12:30 GMT Greedo Scene: [Greedo]- Tell that to Jabba, he may only take your pants. Lando in Cloud City: [Lando]- I've just made a deal that will keep the empire out of my pants forever. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: tarkin@womens.slippers.com (James Trory) Date: Tue, 09 Sep 1997 01:59:01 GMT "There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds my pair of pants. You can use any methods necessary, but I WANT THEM ALIVE! No disintegrations! And no trashing my socks drawer!" "Sir. Pants approaching. 30" waist class". "Having trouble with your pants?" "No. No problem. Why?" "My pants will only be open for a short time, so you'll have to stay close to your transports." "I can't abide those pants. Disgusting garments." "I sense something.... pants I've not felt since...." "Why you slimey, double-crossing, no-good pair of pants. You've got a lot of guts lying there, after what YOU pulled." "I've just made a deal which will keep green coloured pants out of here forever." "They arrived right before you did. I'm sorry." ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Bogus@bogus.com (Susan) Date: 9 Sep 1997 23:22:46 GMT (Oh no, Imperial pants troopers!) How long have you had these pants? Three of four seasons. Let's see your pants. *You don't need to see his pants. We don't need to see his pants. *These aren't the pants you're looking for. These aren't the pants we're looking for. *You can go about your business. Press on. Press on. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Phoenix808 Date: Tue, 09 Sep 1997 21:37:44 -0700 Alien: He doesn't like your pants... Luke: Sorry. Alien: I don't like them either. Alien: (continued) You just watch yourself, we have pants on twelve systems! Luke: Becareful.. Alien: You won't have any pants!!! Obi-Wan Kenobi This little one isn't worth the effort, now let me get you some pants. (a bunch of commotion) Bartender: NO PANTS! NO PANTS! ________________________________________________________________________________ From: "(-o-)" Date: Wed, 10 Sep 1997 05:41:01 -0500 Vader: "I find your lack of pants disturbing." (Has that been posted already?) Boba Fett: "He's no good to me without pants!" Yoda: "Stay and help you, I will, find your pants! Luke: "But I wanted to go to the Toshce station pick up some pants!" ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Amara Subject: Re: PANTS!! Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997 11:48:40 -0400 The Death Star pants are not in the main computer. Han'll have those pants down! We need to give him more time! It is unwise to lower your pants! Luke... I am your pants. The pants will be with you, always. Get down there, pants, I don't care what you smell! If there's a bright spot in the galaxy, we're on the pants that are furthest from. I don't have pants _with_ me! Sorry about the pants. No pants! No pants! <-- cantina owner ;) His new policy. These are not the pants you are looking for. Look sir! Pants! We'll never get this bucket of pants past the blockde! two-pants-against-a-star-de-stroy-er? Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't conjured up the stolen pants... etc etc, ad infinatum :) I could go on, but I need a shower and I have stuff to do ;) Amy- Pants. Not as random or clumsy as a blaster. A more elegant weapon for a more civilised age :) ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Jedi Cory Date: Sun, 19 Oct 1997 14:36:57 -0500 Yes, Greedo, as a matter of fact, I was just going to see your pants! ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Amara Date: Fri, 24 Oct 1997 00:06:32 -0400 The pants are not as forgiving as I! M Date: Sat, 25 Oct 1997 11:23:13 -0400 TOP TEN ADMIRAL PIETT LINES IMPROVED WITH THE WORD 'PANTS' 10) "The pants indicate life readings." 9) "Lord Vader, our pants have completed their scan of the area and found nothing." 8) "Alert all pants. Deploy the fleet." (or "ready the tractor beam") 7) "The Emperor commands you to make contact with his pants." 6) "Shuttle Tydirium, what is your pant's cargo and destination?" 5) "Intensify the forward pants. I don't want anything to get through." 4) "Yes m'pants." 3) "But sir, the Hoth system is supposed to be devoid of human pants." 2) "We only need to keep their pants from escaping." 1) "Bounty hunters. We don't need their pants." _______________________________________________________________________________