Subject: Re: QUENTIN TARANTINO From: shl10@cornell.edu (Simon H. Lee) Date: 1996/10/24 Hey MARCO! (The Broad and Shallow) I'm going to repost Pulp SF AGAIN!! Date: Wed, 1 Nov 1995 09:41:43 -0500 (EST) X-PH: V4.1@cornell.edu (Cornell Modified) From: Marco To: shl10@cornell.edu (Simon Howming Lee) Subject: Pulp Science-Fiction (fwd) ---THE CHEWIE SITUATION--- Han [on phone] I don't think you appreciate just how explosive this Chewie situation is, Jabba! What do you think's gonna happen when Leia comes home and finds a bunch of smugglers doing smuggler shit in her kitchen? She'll freak! Jabba Damn right she'll freak. Han Well, so far I haven't heard anything on what you're gonna do about all this! Jabba Relax. I'm on the motherfucker. Go back to Luke, and wait for the Fett. Han You're sending in the Fett?? Jabba Oh yeah. You happy now motherfucker? Han Shee-eet, Jabba, that's ALL you had to say! ********** Boba [on phone] Give me the names of the principles again. [writes] Chewie Wookie Luke Jedi Han Corellian Leia Princess Boba Where is it? Boba That's 30 light-years away. I'll be there in 10. ********** Boba My name is Boba Fett. I solve problems. Luke Good, we have one. Boba So I've heard. May I come in? Luke Oh, sure. Boba Very well, gentlemen. I'm led to believe that there is a protocol droid minus a head in a freighter. Take me to it. [Examines Millennium Falcon and blasted pieces of Threepio] Boba Chewie. I thought I smelled coffee in there. Will you make me some? Chewie Arrargh. Boba Han, what's the Falcon like. Anything wrong with it? Han No... Boba Are you SURE? I don't want to find out all of the sudden that the hyperdrive is broken or something. Han No man, as far as I know, the Falcon is cool. Boba Good. Luke, we need to cover this up with the sheets. Luke Ah, Mr. Fett... Boba Please, call me Boba. Bob for short. Luke Ah, Boba, this is our best linen. It was given to me by my Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru who are no longer with us... Boba Let me ask you a question. Were your Uncle Owen and Aunt... Luke Beru. Boba Beru. Were they millionaires? Luke Er, no... Boba Well, your Uncle Jabba IS a millionaire, and I think he would be more than happy to buy you a whole bedroom set. I have oak, myself, in my bedroom. You like oak, Luke? Luke Oak is nice. Boba Okay, gentlemen. We are going to go to a place called Bespin, where a man named Lando is, shall we say, sympathetic to our cause. I'll pilot the tainted ship. Han comes with me. Luke, you take the Slave I. And if I get it any different than when I gave it to you, Lando's going to be disposing of two bodies. If any star destroyers pull us over, don't do anything unless I do it first. Got it? (etc) Marco. THE LIGHTSABER SPEECH -------------------------------------------------------------------------- BEN: I have something for you Luke. LUKE: What is it? BEN: This is your father's lightsabre. This is the weapon of a Jedi. This lightsabre was his grandfather's, your great-grandfather's sabre when he was a Jedi Knight. Then your great-grandfather passed it on to your grandfather and then to your father. This lightsabre. Your father had this lightsabre when he fought during the Clone Wars. He had it when him and me were captured. Your father knew, when he was captured, that the stormtroopers wouldn't let him keep it. The way he saw it, this lightsabre was your birthright. He be damned before he'd let some white- armored Imperial gook lay his hands on it, so he hid it, in the only place he could--his ass. For five long years, he hid that lightsabre up his ass until he died when it accidentally turned on. So I took it upon myself to hide this uncomfortable metal rod up my ass for two years, making sure the safety was on. Then I was rescued, and now I present this lightsabre to you. Marco. BRING OUT THE... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Luke and Han are sitting on chairs next to each other, tied up with ball gags in their mouths. Facing them are the Emperor and Governor Tarkin. Emperor: Bring out the Vader. Tarkin: I think the Vader's sleeping. Emperor: Well I guess you're just going to have to go wake him up now won't you? Governor Tarkin walks into the next room, where there's a huge metal sphere. He pushes a button and the sphere opens like a set of jaws, revealing a figure in a tight black leather outfit and wearing a black helmet. Piett grabs a chain attached to Vader's neck and drags him to the outer room. Vader is breathing heavily. Luke: Fmphatherr. Vader: Whoosh...pant...whoosh...pant...whoosh...pant... Emperor: Ah, yes, my young apprentice, in time, you too will call me MASTER. Luke: Mmnnephver. Emperor: It is inevitable. You, and your father, are now...MINE. Luke: Mmrrrnooo! Emperor: You must turn. It is the only way to save your friend. Han: Mmmhuh? Governor Tarkin grabs the back of Han's chair and drags him to the next room, while Han struggles madly. Meanwhile the Emperor attaches Vader's chain to a hook on the ceiling. Emperor: Watch him. [Points to Luke. Vader's breathing gets heavier.] The Emperor enters the next room and shuts the door. Yells and grunts are heard through the door. Luke struggles against his ropes while Vader looks on, breathing madly. Finally, after a supreme effort, Luke breaks his ropes. Vader starts grunting and wheezing. Luke pushes a button on his chestplate and Vader shuts up. Luke starts to leave, then hesitates, listening to the sounds coming from the other room. He looks around the room and stops in awe, staring at the wall. Mounted there is a beautiful lightsabre. Luke picks it up and hefts it experimentally. Luke slowly opens the door, revealing a horrible scene. Tarkin is standing in front of the door with his back to Luke. In front of Tarkin is Han, bent over in front of the Emperor who's robe is obscuring what he's doing, although purple lightning bolts are seen flying violently around the two. Luke sneaks up on Tarkin, who turns around in surprise just as Luke cuts him in half with the lightsabre. The Emperor backs away from Han in surprise, gathering his robe back around him. Luke: You want that blaster, don't you Palpatine? Take it. The Emperor hesitates. Sweat beads on his forehead. Han gets up moves behind Luke. Luke: Take it. Come on, Palpy, take it. I want you to have it. Han: Step to the side, kid. Luke moves over and Han blasts the Emperor in the crotch. The Emperor falls to the ground gasping in agony. Luke: What now? Han: What now? I'll tell you what now. I'm going to bring Chewie here and we're going to go over this guy with a blowtorch and a pair of hydrospanners. You hear me Palpy-boy? I'm not through with you by a long shot. I'm going to get medieval on your ass! (etc) Marco. HAN: Well, please allow me to retort. What does Jabba the Hutt look like? PIETT: What? HAN: You speak Bocce? What does Jabba the Hutt look like? PIETT: What? HAN: What language *do* you speak?! PIETT: What? THREEPIO: Sir! I am fluent in six million forms of communication. "What" is no language I've ever heard of. PIETT: What? Han angrily jams his blaster in Admiral Piett's face. HAN: Say "what" again! Say "what" again! I dare you! I double dare you ************! Say "what" AGAIN!! PIETT: Oh no please no! HAN: Now, WHAT DOES JABBA THE HUTT LOOK LIKE! PIETT: He's...he's...fat! HAN: Go on! PIETT: He's got a...a tail! HAN: Does he look like a *****? PIETT: What?? Han shoots Admiral Piett in the arm. PIETT: AAAAHHH! HAN: Answer the question! Does Jabba the Hutt look like a *****?! PIETT: NO! HAN: Then why did you try to **** him like a *****? PIETT: I didn't! HAN: Yes you did! Yes you did! And Jabba the Hutt don't like being ****** by anyone except Mrs. Hutt. PIETT: I... LUKE: You religious Piett? I got this passage memorized that kind of applies to this situation. Luke starts reciting, walking around the room until the climax of the passage where he and Han point their blasters at Admiral Piett. LUKE: Yoda 35:12...For my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we not this crude matter. But beware of the dark side. Anger...fear...aggression. The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, FOREVER WILL IT DOMINATE YOUR DESTINY!!! PIETT: YEEAARRGGHH!!! Han and Luke blast away at the hapless Admiral Piett. All of the sudden a stormtrooper jumps out of the bathroom, with his gun blazing. TROOPER: YEAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The stormtrooper stops abruptly when he realizes that he's out of ammo and he hasn't hit a damn thing. Han and Luke look around the room at the gouges blasted into the walls, then at each other. They then angrily shoot the stormtrooper. Han turns and walks over to Threepio. HAN: Why didn't you tell us there was somebody hiding in the bathroom with a ******* hand turbolaser? Slip your mind? LUKE: Did you see the size of that gun Han? It's a miracle we're still alive. HAN: I call it luck. LUKE: It wasn't luck. I could feel the force. (etc) HAN: Okay, it was the Force. Can we go now? [For a cross-movie edit, add in "Let's get a taco" here. I did.] All thanks to Quentin Tarantino and George Lucas. Marco. -- __ A L L D O N E! B Y E B Y E! (__ * _ _ _ _ __)|| | |(_)| \ "They're coming to take me away! Ha-haa!"