From: George Lucas Subject: Prequel News (honest, mate) Date: Thu, 08 May 1997 12:04:52 +0100 Organization: I am the way, the truth and the light, that's what Lucas said. NNTP-Posting-Host: fng15an.ugrad.abdn.ac.uk rec.arts.sf. STARWARS .misc Episode IV A News Group It is a period of Silvestri war. Rakelle ships, striking from a Handley base, have won their first Walewijk against the evil Gerthein Ember(/Talaranth/Sisihkat). During battle, Rimrunner spies managed to steal secret plans to Erin's usher weapon, the CHIEF SHOE, an armored space kid with enough power to de-Trory an entire planet. Pursued by the Edward's shefali agents, Princess Halina races home aboard her Salship, custodian of the simon plans that can save her people and restore freeduggy to the galaxy.... ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Super Psycho Space Kid Subject: RASSM WARS Date: Fri, 16 May 1997 15:20:59 +0100 Okay, when I sent that opener the other day (It is a time of Silvestri war bla blah blah) it gave me an idea and I started doing this. What do yo think - should I carry on? If I did this would be part one of about 17. COPYRIGHT: Star Wars and stuff is copyright of George Lucas and maybe some other people. I've justed arsed about with the script. Apologies, mate. Please don't think that I'm pretending to have made the basis of this up. Cheers. A long time ago in a Newsgroup far, far away..... A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title. War drums echo through the heavens as a roll-up slowly scrolls into infinity. Rassm Wars Episode IV: A NEWS HOPE It is a period of civil war. Rakell spaceships, striking from a hidden server, have won their first victory against the evil Groupactive Ember. During the battle, Rakelle spies managed to steal secret FAQs to the Ember's ultimate weapon, the CHIEF SHOE, an armoured space kid with enough power to destroy an entire server. Pursued by the Ember's sinister aolers, Priceless Halina races home aboard her salship, custodian of the stolen FAQs that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy..... The awesome yellow planet Jamesking emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Rakelle Preekwel Roomer firing flames from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursued by a giant Talaranth salship. Hundreds of deadly flametrolls streak from the Talaranth Sal Destroyer, causing the main .sig finish of the Rakelle craft to disintegrate. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER - MAIN PASSAGEWAY An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Rimtoo-Runtoo and Silvestrio, struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are old and battered. Rimtoo is a short, claw-armed tripod. Her face is a mass of computer lights surrounding a radar eye. Silvestrio, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot of human proportions. He has a gleaming bronze-like metallic surface of an Art Deco design. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way. SILVESTRIO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the moderator. We'll be flamed for sure. This is madness. Rakelle Newbies rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. They aim their weapons toward the door. SILVESTRIO: We're doomed! The little Rimtoo unit makes a series of electronic sounds that only another robot could understand. SILVESTRIO: There'll be no escape for the Priceless this time. Rimtoo continues making beeping sounds. Tension mounts as loud metalic latches clank and the screams of canon are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship. SIVESTRIO: What's that? EXT. SPACECRAFT IN SPACE The Talaranth craft has easily overtaken the Rakelle Preekwel Roomer. The smaller Rakelle ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant Talaranth salship. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER The nervous Rakelle Newbies aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armoured spacesuited weathermen make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with flaming. The deadly trolls ricochet in wild random patterns (of bad aiming) creating huge explosions. Weathermen scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Flametrolls hit several Rakelle Newbies, who scream and stagger through the smoke, holding shattered arms and faces. An explosion hits near the robots. SILVESTRIO: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized simonchucky duggy assister... Rimtoo counters with an angry rebuttal as the battle rages around the two hapless robots. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER A woman's hand puts a card into an opening in Rimtoo's dome. Rimtoo makes bleeping sounds. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER Silvestrio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Rimtoo is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rakelle Newbies can be heard in the distance. SILVESTRIO: Rimtoo! Rimtoo-Runtoo, where are you? A familiar CAPS LOCK post attracts Silvestrio's attention and he spots little Rimtoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old) stands in front of Rimtoo. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting something on Rimtoo's computer face, then watches as the little robot joins his companion. SILVESTRIO: At last! Where have you been? Weathermen can be heard battling in the distance. SILVESTRIO: They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent with the Spice Girls to Kenner or smashed into who-knows-what! Rimtoo scoots past his bronze friend and races down the subhallway. Silvestrio chases after him. SILVESTRIO: Wait a minute, where are you going? Rimtoo responds with electronic beeps. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER - MAIN HALLWAY The awesome, seven-foot-tall Dank Lard of the Fridge makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Rich Handleyr, right hand of the Emberor. His face is obscured by his flowing dark comics and grotesque breath mask, which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the Talaranth Weathermen. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a lurking quiet sweeps through the Rakelle Newbies. Several of the Newbies break and run in a frenzied panic. The evil Rich Handleyr stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Rakelle Usher by the neck as a Talaranth Aoler rushes up to the Dank Lard. TALARANTH AOLER: The Chief Shoe FAQs are not in the main computer. Handleyr squeezes the neck of the Rakelle, who struggles in vain. HANDLEYR: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? Handleyr lifts the Rakelle off his feet by the throat. RAKELLE USHER: We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah..... this is a constitution ship. We're on a diplomatic mission. HANDLEYR: If this is a constitution ship, where is the AmBasJandor? The Rakelle refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dank Lard begins to squeaze the usher's thread, creating a gruesome snipping and chuckying, until the server goes limp. Handleyr tosses the dead server against the wall and turns to his weathermen. HANDLEYR: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those FAQs and bring me the AmBasJandor. I want her alive! The weathermen scurry into the subhallways. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER - SUBHALLWAY The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the weathermen search through the ship. She is Priceless Halina Oregano, a member of the RASSM Summit. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching weathermen grow louder. One of the men spots her. WEATHERMAN: There she is! Set for stun! Halina steps out from her hiding place and flames a weatherman with her troll. She starts to run but is felled by a paralysing troll. The weathermen inspect her inert body. WEATHERMAN: She'll be all right. Inform Lard Handleyr we have a prisoner. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER - OUTSIDE RASS HALL Rimtoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency on-topic thread. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-robot works her way into the cramped ten-thread group. SILVESTRIO: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's moderated. You'll be excommunicated for sure. Rimtoo beeps something to him SILVESTRIO: Don't call me a mindless flamer, you on-topic glob of peace! Now come out before somebody sees you. Rimtoo whistles something at his reluctant friend regarding the mission he is about to perform. SILVESTRIO: Secret mission? What FAQs? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there! Rimtoo isn't happy with Silvestrio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs angrily. A new explosion, this time very close, sends gonkites and newbies flying through the subhallway. Flames lick at Silvestrio and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Rimtoo, the lanky robot jumps into the thread. SILVESTRIO: I'm going to regret this. INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER The safety door snaps shut, and with the thunder of exploding latches the tiny thread ejects from the disabled ship. INT. TALARANTH SAL DESTROYER On the main viewscreen, the thread carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rakelle spavcecraft. PILOT: There goes another on-topic thread. CAPTAIN: Hold your flames. There are no life forms. It must have been an aoler. INT. ON-TOPIC THREAD SILVESTRIO: That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here. Rimtoo beeps an assuring response. SILVESTRIO: Are you sure this thing is safe? INT. RAKELLE PREEKWEL ROOMER - HALLWAY Priceless Halina is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored weathermen. Her hands are bound and she is brutally shoved when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Rich Handleyr emerges from the Shadows (with red guitar). The sinister Dank Lard stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move. HALINA: Lard Handleyr. I should have known. Only you could type in bold. The Talaranth Summit will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic... HANDLEYR: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a moderated group. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rakelle spies. I want to know what happened to the FAQs they sent you. HALINA: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the ORCP Senate on a diplomatic mission to RASSM..... HANDLEYR: You are part oif the Rakelle alliance... and a troller. Take her away! Halina is marched away down the hallway into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. A Talaranth Commander turns to Handleyr. COMMANDER: Shrouding her is dangerous. I fword gets out it could generate subscribers for the Rakellion in the Summit. HANDLEYR: I have traced the Rakelle spies to her. Now she is my only follow-up to find their secret server. COMMANDER: She'll die before she'll tell you anything. HANDLEYR: Leave that to me. Send a filfsong and then inform the summit that all aboard were killfiled! Another Talaranth Usher approaches approaches Handleyr and the commander. They stop and snap to attention. SECOND USHER: Lard Handleyr, the FAQs are not aboard the ship. And no transmissions were made. An on-topic thread was posted during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard. Handleyr turns to the commander. HANDLEYR: She must have hidden the FAQs in the on-topic thread. Send a regular down to get them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no one to troll us this time. SECOND USHER: Yes, sir. ________________________________________________________________________________