From: bycer@blue.seas.upenn.edu (Eric J Bycer) Subject: Re: [SITH WAR IV] RETURN Date: 16 Apr 1998 21:21:26 GMT Chris Hawkins (wookie@barber.shop) wrote: : Eric J Bycer wrote: : > I can check my archives, but I think that I wrote something after your : > post. : If you did, my school's newsserver didn't pick it up. To think, I : thought I ended the war. It doesn't matter one way or the other to me. : If you are the official Sith War ender, then my ending was the : unofficial one until you officially ended it. : : > I'll get back to you on this. : Okay. Found it. Here it is, written on October 24th (probably posted immediately thereafter. It all made perfect sense. After all, he had created everything, and he had everything under control. The key would be to get to him at his home base. But first, where the hell am I? "Oooowww!" I screamed as I opened my eyes. "Godammit! That hurt! Where the hell am I? Crunchy? Are you here, pal?" I stood up, and used my belt as a turniquit over the deep gash in my thigh. It was going to be hell to walk for a while, but I had to stop him. With C'Ewok's model '98 Death Star at his side--and working for once, at that--he could be trouble. But where was Crunchy? Hearing a sound behind me, I reached for my blaster and whirled around. My blaster was missing, and I wrenched my knee in the process, but I was ready to kill. Narrowing my eyes, I saw that I was still in the middle of the ruins of RASSM City. A few repairs had been made, notably the RASSM Courthouse, where the CHUCKY Trial was back on. But where was my blaster, and where was Crunchy? Leaning against a slab of plasteel, I tried to look through the dirt and dust that surrounded the rubble. "Crunchy!" I screamed, and this time, I was rewarded with a feeble moan. Crunchy picked himself up off of the ground and dusted himself off. He still had his weapon, and looking around, I found my trusty blaster as well. Limping back to the Decade Eagle, where I could treat the wound in my leg, I checked my chrono. "Jumpin' Jehosephat! It's been months! Last thing I remember was..." "Meow..." "Exactly! By the way, you hungry?" Crunchy looked at my like I was crazy. "Right. You're always hungry." I pointed past the Decade Eagle. "Isn't that a diner? Wuher's something or other? After we get patched up, let's go there." "Bark!" "Yeah, Crunch. I can't wait for one of them Grand Comet platters either..." * * * * * * * * * * When the two of us walked into the place, we noticed Dark Rendar, Jedi Chitwood, and Rogue Jedi Nolan sitting at a table. As we had walked in, the ceiling had collapsed, and Jedi Nolan had busted his nose. "That *has* to hurt," I muttered as I joined them at the booth. "Are you ready to get the hell out of here?" I asked quietly, trying not to garner too much attention. Apparently, my theme music band was MIA after the disaster a few months back. But I'd find them. I find everyone. That's why I'm-- "Gretel Many! It's been a long time, pal!" Chitwood shouted. Heads turned as my name was mentioned. Of course Chitwood wouldn't realize that I was trying to keep a lid on things. Then again, I did travel with a Crunchnmunchian. Ah, the hell with it. "Greddel, are boo gedding beady bor an all out strike against our new boe?" Pulling out my blaster and a dust covered pack that I had retreived from the Decade Eagle, I smiled sardonically. "What makes you say that? Anyway, the Eagle is ready to fly. Are you with me? I think that we can get to Skywalker Ranch in less than 12 parsecs." The three of them looked at me. "Skywalker Ranch?" Sniffing the air suspiciously, I leaned forward. "Yeah, that's where our enemy is." Rendar looked at me askance. "What would our enemy be doing at Skywalker Ranch. They use Sparc Workstations there, right?" "What the hell does that have to do with anything?" "Gretel," Chitwood started calmly. "What Sith War are you fighting?" Looking at all three of my friends, all three of which I had fought with against our various enemies throughout the previous Sith Wars, and tried to imagine what the hell was going on. Were these my friends? Or were they something else. It had been a few months... "Guys, you have about two seconds before I blast you all to hell. Our enemy is George Lucas. This is Sith War III." "Greddle, Sith War III is over!" "Moo! Mew neigh purrrrrr?" "Yeah! How did it end?" The three of them looked at each other. "Well," Rendar began. "I don't know." I jumped onto the table. "It's not over I tell you! You're fighting a fourth Sith War before the third has even ended? Don't you see anything through?" "Jeez, Gretel, I didn't realize that you took this so seriously." But I didn't hear him. It was time for a monologue. "Nothing is over until we decide it is! Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when Trory and C'Ewok signed a peace treaty?" "Yeah, Greddle. That ended Sib War I." "Was it over when an older version of Scotty killed a younger version of Scotty, thus creating a time paradox?" "Yeah, that ended Sith War II." Groping for something, I shouted, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" "Germans?" Chitwood had a huge grin on his face. "Quiet, he's rolling!" "No! And it's not over now? Are you with me? Come on! Let's end Sith War III so we can start Sith War IV in style! Are you with me!" "You've got the support of the entire Clan!" A big black guy got up from the bar and started heading this way. Scared sh&tless, Chitwood quickly amended, "Family! Group of people!" Fortunately, the black guy sat down, or Chitwood would have been squished flat. Not even a lightsaber is good against someone offended by a racial slur. "Then let's go!" "We can't." "Why not." "An EMP has shit down all electronic devices. Our ships won't fly." I thought about that for a while. An electronic circuit will only die if there is current running through it at the time, or if it is shielded. Opening up the dusty pack, I pulled out a small rectangular box. "I haven't used this since the first Sith War, when I infiltrated James C'Watson's lair and destroyed his time machine so he couldn't put right what once went wrong. Let's see if it still works." People started gathering around me, pointing at the little box on the table. Activating the video conferencing software, I put a call through to Skywalker Ranch. "Lucas, here." "George, babe. We've got some unfinished business here." "Listen, I know, I know. The Greedo scene. I tried to fix it. They told me they fixed it! It's not my fault!" "George! This isn't about the Greedo scene." I thought about it for a moment. "We'll deal with that later. But first, remember that little Sith War III thing a few months back?" "Yeah. That kicked ass." "Uh, George, you were the bad guy. And bad guys always lose. As a filmmaker, you know this better than any of us." "Oh. Right. Damn. Well, what do you suggest?" Woah. I hadn't expected this. A chance to end Sith War III with a conversation. A moment of history was about to be made, and it all depended on what I did. "Well, I don't want to be rude. You did use C'Ewok's Death Star to blow up RASSM City. You pissed off a lot of people. Quite a few non-essential people died thanks to you. My piccolo player was killed because of you. And I can't find the rest of my band now, either." "I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gretel?" "Yeah. Let me think for a moment. You're in the middle of making the prequels, right?" "Right-o!" Damn. If I bugged him too much, he might have to stop filming. All eyes were on me as I spoke again. "How about an apology?" "OK. Gretel, and everybody else. I'm sorry about the Sith War II thingie." A tense moment passed by. "Apology accepted, George Lucas." The bar and grill erupted into cheers. The Third Sith War was now officially over. "Talk to you about the Greedo scene later, George. Good luck with the filming." I closed the connection and turned to the people in the bar. "OK, one problem solved, and--what the hell!" I pulled out my blaster and blew away three CHUCKY clones. "What the hell were those?" Chitwood ignited his lightsaber. "They are CHUCKY clones. They're all over the place. Kill as many as you can." "What if you kill the real CHUCKY?" Nolan shrugged. "Bill anybon care?" Crunchy tore one clone's arm off and beat another to death with it. "Good, Crunchy!" "Baaa!" "OK, where was I? Who is the enemy for Sith War--CLONE!!!--Four." I fired a few shots off at three more clones who had entered the bar saying, "LOOK A JOO, YOO SHOULD BE A CHRISHUN. DO YOU WANNA KISS HANH SULLO?" "You're dot godda beliede id. Id's an--Ohmigod! Id's comin' rid for us!" Nolan fired his blaster fifty times at a single clone that was sitting still. I looked at him, and then at the corpse. "It wasn't coming right for us." Chitwood kept an eye out for more clones as he explained. "Thanks to the democrats, CHUCKY clones are an endangered species, so you can't legally kill one unless it presents a clear and present danger. So before you kill one, just shout 'it's comin' right for us' just to be sure." "I hate debocrabs," Nolan chimed in. "Anyway, you were saying?" "It's C'Ewok, and Bill Gates." "Bill Gates? My old friend Bill Gates? The Bill Gates who helped everyone out in the first Sith War?" "The very same." "Son of a bitch!" I turned to Crunchy. "I always knew that he would--it's comin' right for us! --do something like this! Wow, I haven't felt like this since I blasted all of the clones in C'Watson's lair." "C'Watson? Don't you mean C'Ewok?" "Well, you see, Chitwood here killed him. I was taking care of his time machine when I noticed all of his clones. I was able to take care of all of them except one. An experimental clone body. An ewok. And so I made Dark Jaames C'Ewok." "Wow, the Sith Wars really have quite an interesting history." "You said it. Anyway, it looks like I'll have to use my secret weapon against Gates and C'Ewok." My friends walked a little closer to me. "Secret weapon?" I patted the box. "I used this in the first Sith War. I never thought that I would have to use it again, but the time has come to use it." "Wad id id?" "We have got to fix your nose on the Decade Eagle. Anyway, well, just look." I flicked the powerswitch. After a few seconds, a smiley face appeared on the screen. A phrase appeared that brought a grin to everyone in the group. As one, the four of us spoke the phrase out loud. "Welcome to Macintosh." Eric Bycer Now, Sith War III is truly over. Long live Sith War IV! Eric Bycer So, how's that?