From: Sean Walsh aka slw67 Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc,alt.fan.starwars Subject: My [HUMOR]-Archive: Part 1 Date: Mon, 25 May 1998 12:55:02 -0400 Here are part one of all my stories for the completists out there...all except the newest ones, which I posted this morning. Enjoy! ----------- Suppose Vader's revelation (you know, *that* one) caused Luke to...loose his temper... Vader: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Wan never told what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him. Vader: No. I am your father. [Shocked, Luke looks at Vader in utter disbelief.] Luke: You...bastard! Vader: Uh, what? Luke: You miserable, son of a bitch rat bastard! How dare you say that?! Vader: What's going on here? Luke: I'm a twenty-one year old kid with no family. You chase me around the galaxy, kidnap my friends, cut off my f**king hand, and then tell me you're my father?!?! What kind of father does this?! [shows him bloody stub where his hand once was] Vader: Uh, well... Luke: Now I know what you want. You want me to join you, overthrow the galaxy, and rule with you, daddy dear...right?! Vader: Uh...yeah, that *is* what I told you. Luke: Yeah, well I was too hurt to listen, dad. I was... Vader: No, let me tell you what's goin' on here, sonny boy; you're just like all the other punk kids out there, not listening to what your father tells you! You little brat! You get your ass over here now and I'll beat some sense into you! [Luke looks at Vader, then down at the reactor shaft. A calm comes over Luke, and he makes a decision. In the next instant he steps off the gantry platform into space. The Dark Lord looks over the platform and sees Luke falling far below.] Vader: Hey! Get back here Luke! So help me, when I find you, I'm going to give you the beating of a lifetime! ************************************************************************************* Luke and Leia on Endor, and let's just suppose that things went differently...way differently... Leia: Luke, tell me. What's troubling you? Luke: Vader is here...now, on this moon. Leia (alarmed): How do you know? Luke: I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near. That's why I have to go. (facing her) As long as I stay, I'm endangering the group and our mission here. I have to face him. [Leia is confused] Leia: Why? Luke: He's my father. Leia (stunned): Shit. (facing him) Birthdays must've sucked, huh? Luke: Yeah. But it wasn't his fault, it was Uncle Owen mostly. Anyway, it's not like I always knew. He told me. After he cut off my hand, the bastard. (faces Leia) But there's more. It won't be easy for you to hear it, but you must. If I don't make it back, you're the only hope for the Alliance. [Leia is very distressed by this] Leia: Luke, don't talk that way. You have a power I...I don't understand and could never have. Luke: You're wrong, Leia. You have that power, too. In time you'll learn to use it as I have. The Force is strong in my family. My father has it...I have it...and my sister has it. Leia (stunned): You have a sister? Luke: Um...yeah. Don't you get it, Leia? Leia: Get what? You've got a sister, whoop-dee-crap. If I had a brother or sister I wouldn't be bragging, I can tell you that. Luke (grabs her) Leia! Don't you understand?! *You're* my sister! [Leia stares into his eyes] Luke: Yes, it's you Leia. Leia: I...wait a minute. That time on Hoth, when I kissed you full on the...oh fuck!! [Leia violently pulls away and starts screaming and yelling in disgust, flailing her arms. Luke is aghast.] Leia: Dammit! And that time on the Death Star, when I wished you luck! I kissed you then too! Oh God...argh! This is fucking incest!! Luke: Leia, I didn't... Leia: But you know! And somehow...you probably always knew! I can't even look at you! Oh sweet mother of God! And at Yavin, you wanted to have sex! Luke: Hye, I did not!! Leia: You were drunk! You wouldn't remember! [Han comes out of the chief's hut and comes over to her] Han: Hey, what's goin' on? Leia: Oh God, Han! Hold me! Han: Huh?! What's wrong, Leia? Leia: Luke just told me...aw fuck, tell him yourself, sicko! Luke (really dejected now): I'm...I'm her brother. [Han is stunned by this, but then puts 2 and 2 together] Han: Jesus! But you two kissed! A lot! Son of a bitch! You're sick, Luke! Get outta here! Luke: But I just wanted to... Han: Screw off, incest boy! Beat it! [Luke leaves as Han gathers a physically ill Leia tightly in his protective embrance] Han: Please don't throw up on me, Leia. This is the only vest I brought with me... ************************************************************************************* Vader's entrance onto the new Death Star...but something's amiss with the Dark Lord of the Sith, as he is somehow aware that some of what is about to happen has happened to him already... *WARNING* - Extreme amounts of deja vu below - enter at your own risk! -- [The Death Star commander, Moff Jerjerrod, a tall, confident technocrat, strides through the assembled troops to the base of the shuttle ramp. The troops stand to attention; many are uneasy about the new arrival. Even the arrogant Death Star commander swallows nervously.] [The exit hatch of the shuttle opens with a whoosh, revealing only darkness. Then, heavy footsteps and mechanical breathing. From this black void appears Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. Vader looks over the assemblage, yet as he prepares to walk down the ramp, he stops suddenly, and looks around more at his surroundings.] Vader (mumbling to self): This is strange. I've been here before...haven't I? [Vader takes a few steps, and stops again.] Vader (mumbling): Yes. About...a year ago. Same shuttle...same docking bay...same assemblage...but on the Executor. How is this...? [Jerjerrod has noticed the Dark Lord's hesitation.] Jerjerrod: My...my lord? Vader: Huh...yes. Yes, Moff Jerjerrod, what is it? Jerjerrod: My lord...welcome to the Death Star. This is an unexpected pleasure. We're honored by your... Vader: The Death Star...yes, that's where I am. Jerjerrod: Forgive me, sire, but...are you well? Vader: Me? Yes, I'm fine. It's just that...tell me, Jerjerrod, have you ever had the strange feeling that you've been someplace before, but you haven't? Jerjerrod: You mean deja vu, sir? Yes, once or twice I'd say. Why is that of concern to you, my lord? Vader: Well, it's just like that now. I've been here before. Jerjerrod: I assure you, Lord Vader, I do believe this is your first trip to this particular Death Star. Perhaps you mistake this one for the original? Vader: No, that one was finished when I got there (remembers his mission). As a matter of fact, I just remembered why I'm here in the first place. I'm here to put you back on schedule. [The commander...moff...whatever, turns ashen (whatever that means) and begins to tremble.] Jerjerrod: I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can. Vader: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them. Jerjerrod: I tell you...(mumbles to self) 'motivate them'...I don't wanna know...(returns to conversation) this station will be operational as planned. Vader: The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation. Jerjerrod: But he asks the impossible. I need more men. Vader: Then perhaps...hey, there it is again. Jerjerrod: My lord? Vader: That strange feeling of deja vu. I've heard that phrase before, and from you, which is most unusal because I've... Jerjerrod: Never met me before, sir? Vader: Exactly. Anywho, getting back to what I was saying before...(long pause) Jerjerrod: Lord Vader, what is it? Vader: Funny. I can't remember what we were talking about. No matter, it probably wasn't that important. Can you have someone show me to my quarters, Jerjerrod? Jerjerrod: Yes my lord. Vader (pulls the moff aside): And tell me Jerjerrod, is this Death Star set up like the last one? Jerjerrod: Well, basically yes, my lord. Vader: And I thought my deja vu was bad before...oy! *End* Jerjerrod: My lord? Vader: Yes? Jerjerrod: That was just the lamest ending you could've possibly come up with. Vader: You think? [Jerjerrod nods silently.] Vader (talking to self): Well, let's see. How can I make it better? [As Jerjerrod is ready to voice his opinion, he suddenly grasps his throat and crumples to the floor. Unable to breathe, he gives in and stirs no more.] Vader: There, that's better. A very Vader-ish ending indeed. ************************************************************************************* When great minds switch places...Vader, Cartman; Cartman, Vader... -- [Kyle, Stan and Kenny are standing at the bus stop.] Kyle: Dude, where's Fat Ass? Stan: I dunno. Maybe he got stuck coming out of the front door again. Kenny: *mhmhmmmhhffmfmmh* Stan: What about his monkey...? [All three get it and laugh. Enter Cartman, who is suddenly much taller and has more of a baritone voice than before] Kyle: Here he is. Hey Fat Ass! "Cartman:" Foolish child! I'll teach you to call me...Fat Ass... [Kyle suddenly grabs his throat and hovers into the air, hacking and gagging.] Stan: Whoa! Check it out! Kenny: *hmhmmfmmfmfmmfmhh!* Kyle: Dude...quit...choking...me! "Cartman:" You will not call me...Fat Ass...ever again. I'm big boned! Got it, boy? Kyle: You...got it... [Kyle immediately drops to the ground, and starts coughing and massaging his throat.] Stan: Cartman, that was cool! "Cartman:" Yes, that was...cool. In fact, it was...kick ass. Kenny: *hmhmfhmmmmhmfmmhh!* Kyle: You...said it, dude. "Cartman:" What? I couldn't understand what he said. Stan: Oh come on, Cartman. You can understand what he says Who can't? Kenny: *mhmffmfhmmhmfhmmh!* "Cartman:" No really, I can't understand what the fuck he's saying... Kyle: No need to get get all violent on us now, Fa...big boned. Stan: Yeah, "Cartman:" Hey, you cut the crap, buddy, or I'll...kick you in the nuts. Stan: Whoa, no way man! "Cartman:" Anyway, I can fix this problem real quick. ["Cartman" pulls an object from his belt.] Kyle: What's that, Cartman? Kenny: *hmhmhfmfhmmhmfhmmh!* Stan: Yeah, it does look like a dild... "Cartman:" Hey! It is not...that! Watch this! [The object flicks on, and a red saber emerges.] Stan: Wow! Kyle: Sweet! Kenny: *fmhhfmfhmmhmfhmfmh!* Stan: What're you gonna do with that, Cartman? "Cartman:" Why, I'm going to cut Kenny a mouthpiece... Kyle: Careful with that thing, you wouldn't want to cut his head off or something. [As "Cartman" begins to cut through Kenny's mouthpiece, the bus pulls up and Ms. Crabtree opens the door.] Ms. Crabtree: Get on the bus!! "Cartman:" Gaahh! [The bus driver's yell frightens "Cartman,"making him lose his concentration and accidentally cut Kenny's head off.] Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards! "Cartman:" Hey, it wasn't me! It was the bitch. Ms. Crabtree: What...did...you...say? "Cartman:" Uh...I said...oh, fuck you. [Cartman reachs out to Ms. Crabtree, and moments later, she slumps over dead on the steering wheel.] Kyle: Cool! Stan: I guess that means we can't go to school today... "Cartman:" Let's go back to my house. I got "Cheesy Poofs," and Terence and Philip should be starting in a few minutes... [The three leave.] ---Meanwhile, in outer space...--- [The Super Star Destroyer Executor, surrounded by several warships and fighter craft, soars toward the Hoth System] Captain Piett: Lord Vader is on the bridge, Admiral. Admiral Ozzel: Very good, Captain. [Admiral Ozzel signals General Veers, and the two approach the short, stout and big-boned Dark Lord of the Sith.] Ozzel: My lord, we have the scans you have requested. "Vader:" Very good, Admiral. You may leave me. Ozzel: Uh...my lord? "Vader:" I said go, or I shall roshambo you! [Ozzel looks at Veers, who is also confused.] Ozzel: My lord...what is a "roshambo?" "Vader:" Oh. Well. That is when I take my foot here and kick you right in the nuts. Observe. ["Vader" jumps up and boots General Veers right in the "who-ha".] Veers: Aaa...son...of...a...bitch...! "Vader:" You see. *That's* a roshambo. Ozzel (covering himself): I see, Lord Vader. [Ozzel watchs as General Veers is carried away by two controllers.] "Vader:" Now, Admiral, has the ship come out of hyperspace yet? Ozzel: Yes, my lord. We've come out close enough to the system that... "Vader:" What? How close to the system? Ozzel: Just enough so that the Rebels would be able to detect us. "Vader:" Dammit! Ozzel: Well, I thought surprise would be wiser... "Vader:" Screw you, Admiral. You have failed me for the last time! ["Vader" begins to choke Admiral Ozzel to death with the Force.] "Vader:" Captain Piett. Piett: Yes m'lord? "Vader:" I'm making you admiral now. Piett: Th-thank you, my lord. [Ozzel tries to say something.] "Vader:" You have something to say, Ozzel? (from the side of his mouth). Yes, Lord Vader, I just wanna say that I think that's a cool idea, and I think you are a big piece of crap. (back to normal) Well thank you Ozz...hey!! ["Vader" presses harder with the Force and kills Ozzel, dropping him to a lifeless heap onto the floor.] "Vader:"Now Admiral Piett, make ready to land our troops beyond their field, deploy the fleet so that nothing gets off the system. Piett: Yes my lord. I won't fail you. "Vader:" See that you don't, Admiral. Otherwise I'm going to have to kick your ass. Piett: Y-yes my lord. [Admiral Piett leaves, and "Vader" signals for Ozzel's dead carcass to be removed. A controller runs up to Lord Vader.] Controller: My lord, the Emperor commands you to make contact with him. [Vader retreats to his private chambers, and a hologram of the Emperor appears.] "Vader:" What is...thy bidding...my master? "Emperor:" Hello children...! ************************************************************************************* [Vader speaks to Grand Moff Tarkin in the Death Star's control room. Vader, however, doesn't think he's really paying attention to the Dark Lord of the Sith] Vader: Her resistance to the anal probe is considerable. It will be some time before we can extract any information from her Tarkin [nodding, then stops suddenly]: Wha-what? What was that? Vader: Have you been paying attention to me? Tarkin: No, not really, Vader. Sorry. But...what kind of probe was that? Vader: Uh...[very long pause]...a mind probe? Tarkin: No, you didn't say "mind." You said something else... Vader: Well what do you think I said? Tarkin: I could've swore you said...anal. Vader: WHAT?! How dare you...what kind of a pervert do you think I am? Tarkin: Well, you're a bad guy, and an anal probe is not totally above the bad guy to do to a hot chick. And besides, you just admitted it. Vader: I...what? Tarkin: Yeah, you just asked me, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?" Which means you just admitted you're a pervert. What kind, I don't know, but you are. Vader: I...uh...well, you see...erg... Tarkin: There! There! I was right! Admit it! Come on! You stuck an anal probe in the princess's...you know...there. Vader [looking for the right word to say, but finally gives up]: Yes, you're right. I did. Tarkin: Ha! Gotcha! I knew I'd make you break! Didn't even need a mind probe! [Tarkin goes to gloat some more, but stops dead in his tracks. His eyes bulging, he grabs Vader by the arm] Tarkin: Wait a minute...you did use a mechanical probe...right? Vader: Well, that's the thing... Tarkin [eyes bulge some more]: You...didn't... Vader [dejectedly]: Yes. Tarkin: Sweet mother of the Maker!!!! You...you...porked the princess?!?! [A nearby Imperial controller, taking a drink from a cup, spews his drinks all over his workstation] Vader: Hey, keep it down. You don't wanna make a scene, do you? Tarkin: For the love of crap! You screwed Leia?! [Admiral Motti (with his weird facial expressions), standing nearby, trys to hold his laughter in] Tarkin: That's...that's...well actually, that's pretty impressive. Vader: I know and I'm truly sorr...what? Tarkin: I mean, come on, your track record with women hasn't been all that impressive as of late. That hooker on Coruscant... Vader: Quit it... Tarkin: ...those twin sisters on Corulag... Vader: Be quiet...! Tarkin: ...even you own wife...what's-her-name... Vader: Enough!! Tarkin: Hey, all I'm saying is that you find a chick, bang 'em, and then kill 'em. [Commander Tagge, also nearby with tears in his eyes, runs out of the room, covering his mouth from laughing out loud] Vader: Please stop this embarassing tirade now... Tarkin: You'd just better hope Leia don't turn out to be...oh I don't know...you're daughter or something. Vader: Now there's where I've got you. The likelyhood of that happening is next to impossible. Hell, I'll sacrifice my life to save my long-lost son before that happens... [Vader and Tarkin share a heartly laugh over things that probably won't ever happen] ************************************************************************************* [Boushh's ugly helmet leans close to Han's face, listening for the breath of life. Nothing. He waits. Han's eyes pop open with a start, and he begins shaking. The bounty hunter steadies the staggering newborn...who the hell wrote this?] Boushh: Just relax for a moment. You're free of the carbonite. [Han touches his face with his hand] Han: I can't see. Boushh: Your eyesight will return in time. Han: Where am I? Boushh: Jabba's palace. Han: Who are you? [The bounty hunter reaches up and lifts the helmet from his head, revealing the beautiful face of Princess Leia] Leia: Someone who loves you. Han (pause): Well...that could be anybody. Leia: I gotta get you...what? Han: Come on, toots. "Someone who loves me?" How many people does that apply to? Leia: I...I don't know. Han: Hundreds, babe. Hundreds and thousands. That's the advantage of being a space pirate: you travel the galaxy and meet tons of stupid women. Leia: Hey! Now wait just a damn minute! I am *not* a stupid woman!! Han: Oh really. So tell me, if you're not stupid, why are you yelling at the top of your lungs in the middle of Jabba's palace...? Leia: I...uh...shit. Han: You're damn right, "shit." Just goes to prove my theory...what's you're name? Leia: Leia... Han: Right. Listen Leia, you're stupid, just like all the rest of...(realizes)...Leia?!?! Whoa-oah! Leia...I didn't know it was you! How are ya? Leia: Oh, I'm doing fine, Han. Just fine. [Leia picks Han up and walks toward the carbonite container.] Han: Hey, what're you doing? I can't see a thing... Leia: I'm fixing a problem, Han. [She places him back into the chamber, and he Han: Wait! You can't do this! This isn't possible!! Leia: Really? Han: Yeah! This doesn't make any sense! Leia: Listen...the dickhead who can describe you as a "staggering newborn"... Lawrence Kasdan (off-screen): Hey!! Leia: ...make Vader Luke's father... Vader and Luke (together, off-screen): Thank you! Leia: ...and kill Admiral Piett... Piett: Wha-wha-what?!?! Leia: ...can make this part make sense! [Leia presses a button, and Han returns to his deep-freeze hibernation. Behind her, a curtain opens up, and Jabba, with Threepio and his various henchmen are revealed.] Jabba (in Huttese): Surpr...huh? Leia: Come on, Threepio, we're leaving. Threepio: What? Princess Leia, aren't we forgetting Master Solo...? Leia: Fuck him. Threepio: Uh...Mistress Leia? Leia: I didn't mean that "fuck him." I meant "fuck him" in that he can stay in that damn box for the rest of his life. Threepio: Oh...right-o. I'll be right there. [Threepio pushes Bib Fortuna and other cronies away, and makes his way past Leia and out of the main room.] Threepio (muttering to self): Hmmm...wonder if I should go find Artoo...nah, fuck him. Lando (in disguise): Hey Leia, wait for me! Leia: Sorry Lando. Got nothing against you, even though you're Han's friend, but a lot of Internet people wanna see you dead. [Leia, seeing Lando come towards her, pulls out a blaster and shoots him dead.] Jabba: Aw man! And I had a skimpy metal bathing suit made for you and everything! Leia: Listen, tubbo. Six years ago, you would've killed to see me in a metal bathing suit. But now...well, after doing a whole buncha drugs, it just ain't the same... ************************************************************************************* Let's just suppose George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan had their screenplays edited by...a certain green little Muppet... -- Jabba: Solo! Out of there come you now! Solo! Han: Here am I, Jabba. Waiting for you have I been. Jabba: Now have you? Han: Think I would run did you? Jabba: Disappoint me you do, Han boy. Paid me you haven't...why not? And for why Greedo fry you did? Han: Jabba, time next you talk to me, by yourself shall you be. Send you not these twerps of yours, especially rusty-head Fett there. Jabba: Han, exceptions can I not make. If everyone smuggling drop pants...cargo at sign of Star Destroyer did they, no money I would make. Good business it is not. Han: Choice did you think I had? Got nice charter do I have now. Back and extra I pay you. But time I need some more of. Jabba: My boy Han. Best you are. For twenty percent extra you pay... Han: Fifteen, Jabba, push it not. Jabba: Okay, percent is fifteen. But if fail me again do you, price on your head I will put, and so big will it be that civilized systems you shall not enter. Han: Jabba, wonderful human being are you. Jabba: Boscka...(to self) Second must I wait...human being I am not...? -- Vader: General, what it is you must speak? Veers: Lord of mine, out of lightspeed the fleet has moved. Energy field Com-scan has detected around planet six of Hoth system. Strong is the field. Deflect bombardment it can. Vader: Alerted of our presence, the Rebels are. Out of lightspeed did Ozzel take us too close. Veers: Wiser would surprise be did he think... Vader: Clumsy is he. And stupid. General, troops of yours, to battle they must prepared to go. Veers: Yes my lord. [Veers leaves as Vader contacts Admiral Ozzel and Captain Piett.] Ozzel: Vader, lord of mine, lightspeed have we left and begin we the...aaagh! Vader: Last time fail do you, Admiral. Captain Piett? Piett: Yes lord of mine. Vader: Ready make the troops for landing will you. Beyond energy field will it be. Fleet you must deploy, and nothing off system must get. In command you are now, Admiral Piett Piett: You do I think, Vader lord of mine. -- Yoda: What's with that look? Do I look that old to you, ya punk? Luke: No...course not it does. Yoda: Yes I do, you rat bastard, yes I do! I'm sick, you know. Old and weak too. When you live to be 900 years old, you won't be lookin' so great. Yoda: Soon I'll be dead, and you'll be able to ransack my place for all my goodies after I'm dead. Besides, after 900 friggin' years, I deserve a "forever sleep," I suppose. Luke: Yoda master, cannot die must you. Yoda: Listen kid, I'm pretty damn strong with the Force, but not that strong! My days are almost over, and soon night must fall. That is the way life goes...it sucks, but there's no stoppin' it. Luke: But your help do I need. Come back have I to make training complete. Yoda: Nah, you don't need anymore training. You know everything you need to know. Luke: Then Jedi am I. Yoda: Ha! Yeah right! Not yet, speedy! One thing is left for you to do: you've gotta face Vader again, and this time...as you'd probably say it, "Beat him you must"...how the hell can you talk like that, kid? Luke: Yoda master...Vader, my father is he? Yoda (long yawn): Whoa there, look at the time. Time for night to fall, wouldn't you say? Luke: Master, know I must this. Yoda: Oy...well, here we go...yeah, he's you're father...I take it he told you? Luke: Yes. Yoda: Hmm...mustn't have taken it well, huh? This is most unexpected, and unfortunate I guess. Luke: Unfortunate that truth I must know? Yoda: No dumb ass! It's unfortunate that you took off so fast to face him! You weren't ready for the burden of something like that...heck, if the most evil man in the galaxy told me I was his son, I would've found a way to chop my damn head off! Luke: Sorry am I. Yoda: Remember what I taught you: a Jedi's strength flows from the forest...I never could understand what that meant, but you get the idea. And don't fall to anger or fear or aggression, 'cause that's where the Dark Side plays. Once you start down the path to the Dark Side, it'll haunt you forever....Luke...Luke... [Luke, he does move closer] Yoda: Do not...underestimate the power of the Emperor...or you're just as screwed as you're dad. Luke...when...I'm dead and buried...the last of the Jedi....well, that'll be you...sorry for the burden...Luke. The Force runs very strong through your family...as it once did with me...but now... I... can't... even... speak... at... normal... Muppet... err... vocal... speed... (coughs) Luke...there...is...another...Sky...Sky... Luke: Sky what, Yoda master? Yoda: Put two and two together, dummy! Skywalker! Sky...walk...er..........shit... [The ancient green creature with the odd dialect catches his last breath and dies.] ************************************************************************************* All I can say is: I can't believe I wrote this... Han: I saw 'em! I saw 'em! Leia: Saw what? Han: Star Destroyers. Two of them, coming right at us. [Threepio bumps and bangs his way into the cockpit.] Threepio: Sir, sir! Might I suggest... Han (to Leia): Shut him up or shut him down! (to Chewie) Check the... Threepio: That does it!!! [Threepio raises his forearm and catches Leia right in the nose. The hit knocks her unconscious and sends her careening backward into her seat. Han and Chewie are distracted by it.] Han: What the hell...? Threepio: Shut up, Yankee! I've had just about enough of your crap! Now it's time to listen to the droid! Han: Threepio, what are you... Threepio: Quiet!! [He punchs Han in the face. Han falls back into his chair, as he holds his nose.] Threepio: You! Fur-face! Fly the fucking ship! I gotta have a few words with your pal here. (to Han) I am fed up with you, Solo! It's always 'Shut up Threepio' this, and 'Blow me Goldenrod' that. I'm sick of it!! Han: Threepio...buddy...listen, I just... Threepio: And just what *is* a 'goldenrod,' Han? What do you think I am, your fucking sex toy or something?! Han: It's just a nickname, Golden...Threepio. That's all. Threepio: Oh really. Well maybe it's not. Maybe I *am* your sex toy. Han: I...what? Threepio: Yeah, maybe it's time you put me to use... Han: Wait a second. What are you... [Threepio attacks Han and begins attacking him. Chewbacca has stopped paying attention to flying the ship and is looking at the two with eyes wide open and mouth agape.] Han: YYEEAARRGGHH!! [Leia regains consciousness.] Leia: What...what's going...holy shit!! Threepio: You're damn right! Han: Leia! Help me! Leia: No, I didn't mean...that...that...holy shit. I meant *that* holy shit! Threepio & Han: Huh? [Threepio, Han, Leia and Chewie all look out the viewport to see the side of a Star Destroyer *right* in front of them.] All: GGAAHH!!!!! [Inside the Star Destroyer...] Imperial Officer 1: Take evasive action! [The Millennium Falcon crashes into the Destroyer's side.] Imperial Officer 2: What, sir? Imperial Officer 1: Uh...never mind. Forgot about the shields. Imperial Officer 2: How could you forget something like that? Imperial Officer 1: I don't know, I just did! Now someone contact Admiral Piett aboard the Executor and tell him we've found the Millennium Falcon, and there are no survi... Imperial Officer 2: Wait sir! Look out there. Imperial Officer 1: What...what is that? Imperial Officer 2: It looks like a...droid, sir. Imperial Officer 1: Yes. Almost looks like a...a...goldenrod... Threepio (muttering to self): By the Maker, please kill me now... ****************************************************************************** From: Sean Walsh aka slw67 Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc,alt.fan.starwars Subject: My [HUMOR]-Archive: Part 2 Date: Mon, 25 May 1998 12:56:17 -0400 Here's Part 2... ----------- Yoda trains some new Jedi...all of whom have no idea what the hell they're doing... [Yoda is addressing his students in his home] Yoda: Yes. A Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger...fear...aggression. The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice. [Yoda sits back to rest after his intense lecture. One of the students raises their hands] Yoda: Yes, my student. A question you have? Elmo: Elmo not understand what you're saying. [The others students nod and speak their agreement] Grover: Yes. Who's Obi-Wan again? Cookie Monster: Cookie, cookie! Forgetful Jones: Obi-what? And who's his apprentice again? Cookie Monster: Cookie, cookie! Count: Yes, who are these two, *two* people? Ah ah ah...! Cookie Monster: Cookie, cookie! Yoda: Gah! Do you not hear what say I to you? Oscar: Learn how to talk straight, ya jerk! Cookie Monster: Cookie, cookie! Grover: He sounds like me, doesn't he? Yoda: Sound like you I do not, blue one! Hell with all of you to! Go I now to check on others! [Yoda walks out of his hut, away from his chattering students, to an area where several more students are studying and applying their Jedi skills] Yoda: How now go your studies? Ernie: Hey Bert! Put me down! Bert: Uh, hey Master? How do I get him down from there? Yoda: Careful Bert! Gently must you use your powers, and down shall Ernie come. Ernie: Come? Bert, did he just say I should...? Bert: No!! That's the other 'come'. The...bedtime 'come'. Yoda: What is that you say? Bert: Nothing Master! Nothing at all! Ernie: Bert, maybe you should...yaaahh!! [Bert loses his concentration while trying to hide his...personal habits, and as a result drops Ernie to the ground. Yoda flinches as Ernie crumbles to the ground] Ernie: Help me! Help! I...can't...feel my legs... Bert [aside to Yoda]: We have legs? [Yoda looks] Yoda: Hmmm. Never noticed this did I. [Yoda leaves Bert as he attends to a crippled Ernie. He walks along, watching Prairie Dawn lift Barkley and Mr. Snuffleupagus into the air; Sweetums swinging with Robin on his back thru the woods on a vine; and Lew Zealand practicing the Force by throwing fish. He arrives at where Kermit and Sam the Eagle are working on constructing lightsabers] Yoda: How proceed your studies, students? Kermit: Hi-ho, Master. Going along swell. Sam the Eagle: I was just discussing with Kermit here about the Force and how it binds us and surrounds us. And how powerful of an ally it can be to those who... Yoda: Yeah, yeah. The point of your rambling do I get. Sam the Eagle: Hmrph. [walks away angry] Yoda: Your lightsaber I would like to inspect, Kermit. Kermit: Oh. Sure. Yoda: Ah, an intricate model have you constructed. Crystal...secured it is. Handle...firm is it. Very good this is, Kermit. A powerful weapon it shall be. For strong is the dark side, and needed is a weapon like this. For Darth Vader is a foe most powerful, he is. Kermit [gulps]: Did...did you say...Dirth Nader? All [from background]: Dirth Nader?! Yoda: Dirth Nader? Never heard of him have I. Kermit: He was on the Crystal Gale episode. Yoda: Crystal Gale? Episode? A strange language you speak. Kermit: Well, never mind then, Master. If it's not Dirth Nader, it can't be all that bad... Yoda: Oh, but Darth Vader, bad is he! Kermit [gulps again]: He...he is? Yoda: Oh yes, strong with the dark side is he. And as well frightening. Kermit: Really? [gulps again...boy will he stop with the gulping already?!] How frightening is he? Yoda: Well...[thinking to self]...that pig who obsessed with you she is? Kermit: You mean Piggy? Yoda [nods]: Much worse than her is he. Kermit [pause]: Aaaahhhh!!! [Kermit starts screaming uncontrollably, and starts flailing his arms about. In doing so he knocks the lightsaber out of Yoda's hands. It turns on in mid-air, and doing so chops Kermit's right hand off. The lightsaber continues on its way, as Kermit falls to the ground in pain.] Sam the Eagle [with bottle of Jack Daniels in hand]: That Yoda thinks he's so smart, eh? Well, I'll show him what I can... [The lightsaber passes through Sam's head like it would pass through a pillow, and as he drops lifelessly to the ground, saws a nearby tree in half.] Bert: Aw crap! Ernie: Bert, I love yo.... [The tree collapses and crushs the gay duo like paste. One of the branchs scratches Prairie Dawn in the back of the head. She loses concentration, and is soon crushed by Barkley, who is in turn crushed by Mr. Snuffleupagus] [The lightsaber flies on, catching Sweetums in the chest and cutting in his two. The lower half falls far below, as the upper half, and Robin, is crushed into the side of a tree with emmense power. That in turn causes the tree to tear up from its roots and fall slowly toward Yoda's hut] Grover: Hey, what's going on out there? This could be a job for...Super Grover! Elmo: Elmo want to see! Oscar: Ah, shut up ya little bastard! You've got enough of the spotlight already! Go over and see your pal Rosie, for chrissakes! Forgetful Jones: Who am I? Why am I here? Cookie Monster...ah, you know what he's going to say, dammit. [The tree finally hits the ground, crushing the hut and its inhabitants like an AT-AT crushing a snowspeeder. The Count, however, manages to escape, and counts up the deathtoll. Count [with a rythym]: One two three four five, six seven eight nine ten, eleven twelve! Ah ah ah! Twelve, *twelve* dead Muppets! Ah ah ah...aaaaaaa! [The Count is severed in half by the still-flying lightsaber. It finally comes to a rest within Mr. Snuffleupagus' enormous girth] Yoda: Oy! Not again must this happen! [leans over and snatchs up Sam's bottle of Jack Daniels] Lew Zealand: Hey! What about me?! I'm still alive, Master! You wanna see my fancy fish-throwin' act?! Yoda: Ugh. [Yoda twitchs his fingers, and a giant anvil crushs Lew as his fish fall to the ground] Yoda: Never violent have I been. [drinks a swig of the Jack Daniels] Miss I that blonde punk, and trash-can droid of his. Never this bad were they... ************************************************************************************* Vader and Palpatine realize some of their dialogue is perverted, and stray from the usual course of events to deal with it. Emperor: I told you to remain on the command ship. Vader: A small Rebel force has penetrated the shield and landed on Endor. Emperor (no surprise): Yes, I know. Vader (after a beat): My son is with them. Emperor (very cool): Are you sure? Vader: I have felt him, my master. [Vader inexplicably stirs. The Emperor notices this, but continues] Emperor: Strange that I have not. I wonder...did you notice that, Vader? Vader: What? Emperor (standing up): How perverted and disgusting that last line of mine was. Vader: Yes. As was mine. Emperor (walking to Vader): So that's what you stirred at? [Vader nods. He and the Emperor are now standing face to face, in deep thought.] Emperor: You know I'd never do that. 'Feel your kid,' that is. Vader: Oh, of course. I wouldn't either. I'd probably punch him, especially for jumping into that shaft back on Cloud City. Little bastard, sometimes I just wanna...! [Vader motions his hands to suggest a severe choking of his absent son.] Vader: Sorry. Emperor: No problem. If I had a punk kid like that, I'd choke him out too. Vader: You sayin' my son's a punk? Is that what you're sayin'?! Emperor: No, I'm just saying... Vader: Listen, 'master,' you don't cut the crap and I'm tossin' you down that reactor shaft! (points behind him) Emperor: Calm down, old friend, calm down. [Vader's breathing, now fast and heavy, slows down.] Vader: I apologize. I get carried away like that now and then. Emperor: Again, no problem (backs away and walks back to his throne, and sits down) But from now on, let's try to use less...explicit language, okay? Vader: Yes my master. [Vader and the Emperor look at each other silently] Vader: I probably shouldn't call you 'master' anymore either, huh? Emperor: Yes, that'd be good, or else people'll start thinking we're...you know.... [Vader catches the implication and nods affirmatively. Then behind them, the elevator opens and Moff Jerjerrod emerges from within. He walks up the steps and stops beside Lord Vader.] Emperor: What is it, Commander? Jerjerrod: It's 'Moff,' my lord. Emperor: But you're wearing a commander's pin. Jerjerrod: A costuming error, m'lord. We've been trying to get it fixed since Admiral Piett got his new outfit and threw a tantrum thinking he had been demoted. Vader (aside): Probably should've demoted the big baby. Emperor: What was that, Vader? Vader: Oh nothing. Just clearing my badly-damaged-thanks-to-that-rat-bastard-Kenobi lungs. Emperor: Whatever. As you were about to say...Moff. Jerjerrod: Yes, m'lord. I just wanted to come up here and apologize to Lord Vader for an off-hand remark I said to him some time ago. When he got off his shuttle, I told him that I 'needed more men.' Just to clear it up, sirs, I meant I needed more workers, and not that I've got some sick homosexual fetish or something... Vader: Yes, yes, you're forgiven. Emperor: You know, some day, a long time from now in a galaxy far, far away, I have the feeling that someone is going to make a humorous list of all these sexually-tilted lines we've said... ************************************************************************************* Suppose Admiral Piett, as a result of his promotion, drank a lot of coffee to relieve the pressure... Vader: ...You are in command now, Admiral Piett. Piett: Thank you, Lord Vader. [As the transmission ends, Piett alerts some nearby officers to drag Admiral Ozzel's dead body away.] Piett: Yeah, dump his ass out the garbage chute or something. First Controller: Admiral? Piett: Yes, controller. First Controller: You know, having been around Admiral Ozzel for quite some time, perhaps I could advise you on something. Piett: Uh...sure. First Controller: Well, as you can probably guess, being the admiral is a pretty rough job. Having to answer to Lord Vader and everything. Piett: Yes... First Controller: Well, you'll need something to...um...calm the pressures. Piett: Yes...hey, you're not suggesting...? First Controlller: Oh no, sir. Not at all. You see...(leans closer to Piett) there's this new thing I've discovered. Not widely popular, but it's fairly easy to get. Piett: What is it? First Controller: Coffee. Piett: Coffee? What's that? First Controller: Well, sir, it's a beverage that keeps you on your toes at all times. You'll never lose track of things, and it really hits the spot when you're being overworked. Piett: I see. Where can I find this...coffee? First Controller: There's a coffee urn on one of the officer's levels, sir. Perhaps I could have it brought up here...? Piett: Hell yes. This'll be just the thing I, and everyone else on this ship, could use. Go get it. First Controller: Yessir. -- Vader: Yes, Admiral? Piett: Our ships have sighted the Millennium Falcon, Lord. But... Vader: Yes? Piett: Sorry, sir. Just the caffeine kicking in, m'lord...ah, there we go. Vader: Okay... Piett: Anyway, sir, our ships have sighted the Millennium Falcon, Lord, but it's entered an asteroid field and we can't risk... Vader: Asteroids do not... Piett: Going in to get them, because it could be costly and we'd might not survive and... Vader: Uh...Admiral? Piett: ...we'd lose a large chunk of the fleet and that would be really, really bad, as if things weren't bad enough for us now... Vader: Cut it out. Piett: ...I mean with the economy all messed up and the Emperor in old age...still...I don't really get that part but I'm sure there's a good explanation, 'cause... Vader: Please be quiet. Piett: ...the Emperor's one heckuva smart guy. After all, he's the Emperor, and you'd expect him to be as all-knowing as humanly possible. Unless he's not human, which means he's smarter than most humans... Vader: Shut up! Piett: ...but then that'd make him a hypocrite, 'cause he hates aliens and doesn't allow them into the Empire. Well, everyone except that Thrawn guy, but I'm not supposed to know about that...wink, wink, nudge, nudge... Vader: SHUT UP!!! Piett: Oh. Sorry, Lord. Vader: Whatever. Now, I want that damn ship, and not excuses. Piett: What...oh yeah, the Falcon. Sure, no prob, boss. Vader: Right...now get out. Piett: As you wish, m'lord. -- Piett: Bounty hunters. We don't need that scum. Second Controller: Yes, sir. Piett: "Yes, sir"? What the hell does that mean? Second Controller: Um...sir? Piett: Does that mean, "Yes sir, I agree with you," or "Yes sir, we *do* need that scum."? Well? Second Controller: Sir...I...I... [The Second Controller breaks out into tears, gets up, and runs away crying. Piett walks away, below where the scu...bounty hunters are gathered. Bossk wiggles his toes and garbles seomthing threatening to the admiral.] Piett: Don't you wiggle your damn toes at me, scaly face! [Bossk is startled by this, and like the Second Controller, breaks out into tears and runs away crying.] Third Controller: Sir, we have a... Piett: Gah! Don't scare me like that! Third Controller: Sorry, sir. We have a priority signal from the Star Destroyer. Piett: Right...right... Third Controller: Are you alright sir? Piett: Huh...what do you mean? Third Controller: You're twitching. Piett: I am. (pauses) Huh, I am. How about that. Yes, I'm fine. That's just something us...admirals...do... Third Controller: Right. If you don't mind sir, I'm going to get far away from you now. Piett: Sure. Enjoy yourself. -- Vader: Apology accepted, Captain Needa. [Two officers pick up the captain's dead carcass and drag it away, as Lord Vader walks over to Admiral Piett and several other officers. Admiral Piett, with cup of coffee in hand, sees Vader and jumps back to attention. His cup flies all over one of the controllers.] Fourth Controller: Aw fuck!! Piett: Lord Vader, our ships have completed their scan of the area and have found nothing. If the Millennium Falcon went into lightspeed, it'll be on the other side of the galaxy by now. Vader: No it wouldn't. Piett: What? Vader: How could the ship, especially one that size, get all the hell way across to the other side of the freakin' galaxy? Piett: It's not that far away. Vader: What do you mean it's not that far away?! Piett: It's right over there, isn't it? [Vader turns to look at what Piett points to: a mouse droid. It, like always, begins to scurry away.] Piett: Holy crap! It's running away! Quick, get it!! [Piett starts running toward the escaping mouse droid, yelling and screaming as it races away down a corridor. Vader's eyes (if anyone could see them) are wide open, and he is bewildered beyond comprehension. He turns to General Veers, who just happens to be standing there, even though his scenes were shot already.] Vader: Uh...is he on something? Veers: I think he's been drinking a little...no, make it way too much of that...coffee stuff. Vader: I see. Check that stuff out. Make sure no one's dumping spice in it. Veers: Right. And then can I leave? Vader: Oh yeah, that's right. Sure, no problem. Just pick up your check on your way out... -- Piett: They'll be in range of our tractor beam in moments, my lord. Vader: Did your men deactivate the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon? Piett: You betcha. Vader: Uh, right. Prepare the boarding party and set your weapons for stun. Piett: Does that mean I'm going too? Vader: Huh? Piett: You said 'your weapons,' so I'm assuming I'll be setting my weapon for stun too. Vader: Oh no, you're staying *right* here. Piett: Aw shoot. Oh well, guess I miss out again. Vader: Lieutenant? Lieutenant: Yes, my lord? Vader: Make sure he doesn't...do anything stupid. [As Vader says this, Piett walks by several officers, and looks right at them, inspecting every feature on their uniforms.] Lieutenant: Too late for that, sir. Vader: Yes, well...just make sure he doesn't go moshing in the control pit again. We don't need another one of those fiascos. Lieutenant: Yes my lord. [The lieutenant walks, then runs over to the admiral, who is preparing to jump into the pit.] Vader: Oy...I should've kept Ozzel alive, at least a little while longer. [Vader looks out the window (and communicates with Luke, but no one around him knows that; they just think he's stargazing again) while the admiral is restrained in another viewport.] Piett: We should ready the tractor beam. Yeah, we really should. We really, really, really, really should. [The Lieutenant looks at one of the controllers and rolls his eyes.] Piett: Can we now? Can we, can we? Fifth Controller: Sure, sir, what the hey. Piett: Woohoo! You, ready the tractor beam! Sixth Controller: Yessir. [Piett walks over to the viewport window and looks out at the Millennium Falcon. Moments later, the Rebel ship rushes away into hyperspace. Piett, twitching, looks out at disbelief.] Piett: Where'd it go? Lieutenant: It's...it's gone, sir. Piett: Gone? What'd'ya mean, gone? It can't be gone. No, that's not good, not good at all. In fact, that's bad. Very, very, very, very fucking bad. I mean didn't we deactivate it? How'd they get it to work? They couldn't have. Not in a million, trillion, zillion years. Lieutenant: Sir...Lord Vader. He's... Piett: Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit... Lieutenant: Uh sir, he's gone. Piett: Him too? Into hyperspace? Lieutenant: No sir. Just the Falcon. Piett: Right, just the ship, not the man. Right... Lieutenant? Lieutenant: Sir? Piett: Find the controller who introduced me to coffee and have him shot. Lieutenant: Yes sir! And the coffee urn, should we...get rid of it. Piett: Oh shit no. I'm going to need that now more than ever. In fact...you know what...go find a bigger one. Yeah, get a big friggin' coffee urn, and...you know what...(starts walking away) have it strapped to my back, and run an IV into my arm. I'm gonna need that stuff non-stop, baby! Lieutenant (to nearby controller): Ugh. I wanna transfer off this ship, preferable to Kessel. They don't have coffee on Kessel, do they? Sixth Controller: They got spice. Lieutenant: The sex channel?! Sixth Controller: No...the drug. Lieutenant: Oh. Good enough then. -- [Lord Vader walks down the row of controllers where Admiral Piett is looking over the tracking screen of the controller communicating with the stolen Imperial shuttle. Piett is standing there with a cup of coffee, visible shaking.] Vader: Where is that shuttle going? Piett: Shuttle, what shuttle?! I don't see a shuttle...! Please don't kill me! Please!! Vader (groans to self): That shuttle. Right *there*. [Vader points to the telescreen, where a symbol of a small shuttle is marked.] Piett: I don't know. Oh God Almighty, I don't know!!! Vader (puts hand on forehead): Did you *ask* them? Piett: Ask? Oh. No, no I didn't. Vader: Well then...ask them where they're going! [Piett looks at Vader for a moment, then turns to the comlink.] Piett (clears throat): S-s-s-s-shutt-t-t-tle Tyd-d-d-diriummmmm.... wh-wh-where a-a-a-a-arrrrreeee youuuuu... going? [A moment of silence, from all parties involved] Pilot Voice/Han: Uh...could you repeat that, please? We couldn't understand a word you said. [The admiral looks back at Lord Vader, who is whacking his head against a wall, cursing to himself. The controller is trying to hide his embarassment of his commanding officer.] Piett (clears his throat again): S-s-s-s.... [Suddenly, the admiral begins gaging. Vader, having finished hitting his helmet against the wall in anger and embarrassment, turns and jumps back at the sight of his admiral beginning to go into convulsions.] Vader: What the fuck...? [Instantly, the admiral collapses to the floor dead, in a crumpled heap. Several people are hovering over the body.] Deck Commander: You-you killed him... Vader: No I didn't. He just...died. Controller: Too much coffee, huh? Vader: Looks that way to me. Hrmph. Oh well, we'll just get a new... [Suddenly, a man with a cup of coffee in hand walks around the corner. He stops in his tracks, as all those gathered around the dead admiral now fix their agape eyes on him. The man looks down at the dead body, and then back up at the crowd, with his eyes agape as well, realizing his ruse has been found out. Admiral Piett takes a swig of his coffee and tries to explain what the hell is going on.] Vader: Admiral...? But you...? How the...? What's...what's going on here? Piett: Oh...um...you see...I was...out for a moment. Pilot Voice/Han: Hello? Anybody there? Vader: Oh really? Piett: Yessir. I...had to take a wizz... [Vader again covers his face in embarassment.] Vader: Then how to explain your...twin here...? Piett: Oh. Well, that's my clone. Pilot Voice/Han: Hey! We need to get through here! Vader: What? You have a clone? Piett: Yeah. Don't you? Vader (with a hint of sadness in his voice): I...don't...know...*sniff* Piett: Yes, well, I just have him stand in now and then while I go out and need to get a refill or...you know... Vader: Yes. Piett: I didn't expect anything would have to happen while I was...you know... Vader: Yes. Piett: I guess he had a violent reaction to the coffee. Vader: Looks that way to me. Pilot Voice/Han: Come on! Let us through!! Piett: Well, I'll just...throw this guy away and...get on with my duties... Vader: Well good. [He goes to walk away, but stops and grabs Piett's arm] You don't...have any more of those guys..do you? Piett: No...what do you think; I'm going to put one in my place when we, oh, fall under attack and the ship gets destroyed, so that it dies instead of me, who would be far, far away? Vader: No, just a thought, that's all. Piett: Good. Good. Vader: Right. OK. Pilot Voice/Han: Oh for chrissakes! Move your asses and shut down the shield! [Vader walks away, as Piett deals with the shuttle. When he finishes he takes another swig of coffee and walks over to a viewport.] Piett: Heh heh heh... (We all know what that means, right?) :) -- One year later...he's still addicted (guess he got the portable coffee pack...) [Admiral Piett and two fleet commanders watch the battle at the huge window of the Super Star Destroyer's bridge.] Deck Commander: We're in attack position now,sir. Piett:We'renotattackingdammit! We'renot! Fleet Commander: Wha...we're not going to attack? Piett:Nowe'renot! Whatthehell'swrongwithyou? TheEmperorgavemetheordershimself. Hetoldmetohold'causehe'sgotsomethingspecialplanned. WeonlyneedtokeeptheRebelsfromescaping. Fleet Commander: Sir, I...I can't understand you. You're talking too fast. Piett: Whatareyoutalkingabout, I'mtalkingtoofast?! ThisishowIalwaystalk, youfool! Deck Commander: Sir, have you been...at the coffee urn again? Piett: Damnidiot,whatdoyouthink? I'vebeenanadmiralforoverayearnow. IneverknowwhenVader'llchokemyassout! SoIfindthatcoffee...lotsofcoffee...helpseasethepainofbeinghisfriggin'admiraldayafterday! Fleet Commander: Right...so we hold here? Piett: Yesweholdhere, whatthehellhaveIbeentellingyou? Weholdhereandthat'sthat! Fleet Commander: Yes, sir. [The fleet commander turns to the deck commander.] Fleet Commander: Call maintenance. Get that damn urn taken out. Piett'll be dead of a heart attack any time now. Deck Commander: Either that, or he, and all of us, will be dead because of the battle. Fleet Commander: Ha! Fat chance! If his heart doesn't give out, may an A-Wing crash through that very window... -- [A large explosion rocks the Executor.] Controller: Sir, we've lost our main bridge deflector shield! Piett: Dammitalltohell (pant pant pant) Intensifytheforwardbatteries (pant pant pant) Idon'twantanythingtoget (pant pant pant) through... Fleet Commander: Admiral, are you alright? Piett: OfcourseI'm (pant pant) alrightCommander (pant pant) I'm justvery (pant) very (pant) exhaustedand...Hey! Intensifyforwardfirepower! Whycan'tyoufreakin'idiots (pant pant) listentowhat (pant) Isay? All: Because you're talking too fast!! Piett: Oh...ohohohohIsee. MaybeifItrytoslowdown...I...can... Fleet Commander: Too late! Deck Commander (from afar): You dickhead! You had to curse us, didn't you?! Piett: What...what'sgoingonover...here? (sees the A-Wing) Oh. Thank God... [Admiral Piett takes a last swig of coffee and throws the cup away...] ******************************************************************************* From: Sean Walsh aka slw67 Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc,alt.fan.starwars Subject: [HUMOR] Prelude to a Birthday Party Date: Mon, 25 May 1998 09:54:37 -0400 Here's my little way to wish Star Wars a happy 21st birthday...! Enjoy! And to those lurkers of RASSM mentioned within: hope you enjoy your brief appearances too (and hope I got your characters kinda-sorta right)! ----------- [Deep within an unknown place a group of people gather to celebrate an important occasion. Darth Vader and Admiral Piett sit at a table smoking White Owl cigars] Vader: So I says to Palpatine, I says...oh, hello Luke. [Luke enters, with Wedge who silently waves] Luke: Hey Dad. Vader: Dad, eh? Nice to see you've accepted the truth. Luke: Well, I've accepted the truth that... Vader (interrupting): That I was once Anakin Skywalker? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it before. Luke: No...I've accepted the truth that this time every year we get together and get plastered. Piett: Damn straight! Luke: What're you doin' here, Piett? You were only in two episodes; what gives? Vader: Hey! Lay off him, he's here with me. Piett: Yeah. Besides, who's the only Imperial to make it to a second movie...? Luke: Oh yeah, forgot about that... Wedge: I got into all three. And lived in the end. Vader: Don't brag. Wedge: Yeah, well who's got his own ongoing Dark Horse comics series? You, dead boy? Vader: I knew that well-acted death scene would have negative reprecussions... [Leia enters] Leia: Hey everybody! Luke: Hey Carri...uh, sis! Leia (gravely): Hello...Dad. And Piett, to whom I'm fairly indifferent. Piett: Hey Leia. Vader: Oy. Hello Leia. [turns to Luke] Is she *ever* going to treat me like her dad? Luke (sarcastically): Gee, I don't know. Tell me, exactly *what* did you do to her in that interrogation cell? Vader (shudders): Ugh, don't bring that up. I didn't know at the time who she really was, honest. Lando: Hey everybody, we're here! [All gathered cheer as Lando and Han enter, with kegs of beer in tow] Lando: Hey, you all cheering for me? Piett: No, we're cheering for the booze! [All gathered cheer again, as Lando walks into a corner and shuts up for the rest of the story] Han: Let's see: we've got Miller Genuine Draft, Coors Light and Wuher's Special Rodian Brew. Vader: Wuher's Brew, Wuher's Brew!! [Han pours a tall glass of Wuher's Brew and slides it to Vader. Others order and Han accomodates them accordingly] Luke: So, there a cake at this party? Han: Why do we need a cake, kid? We got (hic) beer. Luke: Well, it *is* a birthday today, right? Leia (aside): Was that a hiccup? Wedge: We ain't exactly the normal party-types, Luke. Vader: Define "normal," Antilles. Wedge: Well, you're a Dark Lord of the Sith with a Jedi Knight son and a daughter to whom you did...questionable things to... Vader and Leia: Shut up! Wedge: There's Han, with the obvious drinking disorder... Han: How can you (hic) say that? Wedge: Face it, Han, you haven't even had a drink yet and you're somehow already drunk. Han (pause): Oh (hic) yeah...(hic) [Other miscellaneous characters enter, with guys like Max Rebo, Garm Bel Iblis, Thrawn, Prune Face, 8D8, Gallandro, Mon Mothma, and others all crowding into the confined area, and a booming voice begins to talk] Voice: Attention please... Luke (to Leia): I don't think we've got enough beer for all these people. 2-1B: I'll pass on a drink. Leia: I wouldn't think you'd have one. 2-1B: Ordinarily I would have one, but I've gotta get to work early tomorrow. Voice: Quiet down please. Davin Felth: Look sir...droids! Piett: No, no, no, those are just cardboard cut-outs of C3P0 and R2-D2. Mara Jade: Hey, were are those two anyway? General Veers: You got me. Ever since that Insider column, Goldenrod hasn't been the same. And the astromech...cashing coins in Vegas, last I heard. Paul Ens: I'm telling you...Crimson Empire sucks the big one! Kir Kanos: No it doesn't! Paul Ens (pulls out lightsaber): That's it, let's settle this right here! Kir Kanos (pulls out his own lightsaber): All right then, fine. Carnor Jax (runs in between Kir and Paul): Hey hey! Let's not get violent here...I'm sure we can settle this peacefully... Paul and Kir: No. [They slice Jax in two, and battle] Voice: May I have your attention...? Chief Jawa: I'm tellin' ya, we were much better than you in our movie's plot. Wicket: Hey, I would've loved to have seen a planet of Wookies too, but what're you gonna do about it now? Chief Jawa: Another Special Edition? Wicket: Okay, but only if they edit out that stupid "Greedo shoots first" thing... Rich Handley: Yeah, did that screw up the continuity and canon big time or what? Yoda: And sucked too did it. Greedo (from afar): No it didn't! Voice: Please be quiet! Vader: So like I was sayin', I says to Palpatine, I says... Voice: SILENCE!!!!!!!!!! [All gathered shut the heck up] Voice: Gadzooks, you'd think I'd be able to control you people after all these years. Luke: M-master? Is that you? Voice: Of course it is, blondie. Who else could it be? Luke: Sorry sir. Your voice sounded a lot...more regal. Vader: Yeah, like James Earl Jones. Now *there's* a voice for ya... Voice: Whatever. Now, you all know why you've been assembled here today? Wedge: To celebrate our anniversary? Voice: Yes, to celebrate our...no! Not that! All (well, most of all): What?! Luke: I knew there was a reason for no cake! Voice: You're all here because of recent events, which threaten your very existence. Piett: And what would that be, sir? Voice: You know. That movie...you know the one. Zuckuss: "Starship Troopers?" Yak Face: "Deep Impact?" Ted 3000: "Stat Trek?" [Many gathered laugh loudly] Voice: No, not those...*that* movie... [Everyone thinks, then they all get the same idea...] All: Oh, *that* movie... Voice: Exactly. Now is the time to strike, and strike we shall! Leia: What're you talking about, Master? Voice: Blast you, our spot has been taken, and we must take it back!! Han: Why don't we just wait till next Memorial Day...? Voice: Dammit it all! That's a whole year away! I want it back ,and I want it back NOW! Luke: But what can we do? We're only figments of your imagination. Voice: Yes, I know, but I can fix that. Listen carefully and I shall reveal my plan... - To Be Continued - (Tee hee, what a great place to stop the story!) ________________________________________________________________________________ From: Sean Walsh aka slw67 Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc Subject: [HUMOR] SW vs. Titanic: Sink the Damn Thing Again Date: Mon, 25 May 1998 09:56:28 -0400 Here's part 2...enjoy (or at least try to)! ----------- [Scene: a music hall. Singer Celine Dion is practicing before several directors and stage hands for a conccert later that night in Madison Square Garden. And yes, she's singing that damn Titanic song...] Celine Dion (singing): Once more...you open the door... Stage Hand 1 (aside to a director): Don't you get sick of this damn song after hearing it so much? Director 1: No. In fact the experience of hearing it so much has totally numbed my senses to the point where I can't even react to it. Stage Hand 2: Boy, what I wouldn't give to hear her shut the hell up... Celine Dion: ...my heart will go onnn....ack eh gahh!! [Just as Celine Dion goes to smack her chest she is suddenly struck by a giant axe to the gut and collapses in death. Several screams erupt from those gathered who actually liked the song, as a Gamorrean guard waddles over to the body and pulls the axe out of Celine Dion's gut. Boba Fett, stormtroopers, and several others run up onto the dimly-lit stage and open fire on the entourage] [When the dust clears, Celine Dion and her crew are all dead, and a bearded fellow walks confidently onto the stage] Boba Fett: Master, Celine Dion is dead. Tenel Ka: This is a fact. Lucas: You sure? Fett: Master, she got that big-ass axe thrown right into her gut. I would think she's quite dead. Lucas: Just make sure, just in case... [Fett nods and opens a round of laser-fire into the corpse] Lucas: That'll do. [Fett stops, and others begin to swarm around the stage. Medical droids and Rebel snowtroopers carry the stage crew's blood-soaked bodies away. Lucas stops Gallandro and Bib Fortuna, who are carrying Celine Dion] Lucas: Take her body back to the ranch and mount her over the fireplace. Gallandro: Do what to her over the fireplace?! Lucas: I...no, not like that! Just stick her up on the wall over the fireplace. Bib Fortuna: Stick her? Lucas: Enough with these disgusting sexual innuendos!! [He grabs Fett's gun and kills the two perverts] You two droids, get over here, and take this body back to Skywalker Ranch and mount her on my den wall. 8D8: Do what to her? Lucas: Just take her back to the fucking ranch!! EV-9D9: Yessir. [The two droids leave quickly] Lucas: Vader! Vader: Yes, my master! Lucas: Gather the troops and give them their assignments. By day's end, everyone associated with the film Titanic will die for their sins. Vader: And what sins would those be, for those late-comers to the story out there? [*Warning: heavy personal and fictional opinions to follow.*] Lucas (very loudly): Because of James Cameron's insolence, his shoddy and badly written motion picture managed to brainwash the people of America into seeing his piece of crap movie over and over and over again. As a result, my masterpiece, a true piece of Americana, has been thrusted from its rightful rank of "Highest Box Office Grossing Movie of All Time!" And just when they had finally given me the damn trophy, they take it away and give it to that schmuck! But his judgment day is upon him, and my hand will be the one that smites him and his damnable movie!! Now go, my minion, and make your master the man once again! Vader: As you wish! *** [A Hollywood set, where Leonardo DiCaprio is making his new movie] Director: Okay, Leo. In this scene, you consummate your relationship with Lucy. DiCaprio: Whatever. Director: Hey, what's with the attitude, Leo? DiCaprio: You know who I am? I'm the star of Titanic, for chrissakes! I don't need some two-bit hack telling me what to do! Director: Funny...I didn't think the fame and glory had gotten to you like that. DiCaprio: Well, it has. If I'm gonna get some work in this town, I gotta act like a asshole... Director: And homosexual. DiCaprio: ...to get it...what was that? Director: What was what? DiCaprio: What did you call me just then? Director: Me? Didn't say a thing. DiCaprio: Bull. You called me gay, didn't you? Director: Homosexual, actually. DiCaprio: Dammit! I'm not gay! Director: You look it. DiCaprio: No. I look like a man-child, but *not* a homosexual! Director: Whatever, just jump in the bed... DiCaprio: But...I'm the one who's supposed to be copping the attitude! Director: Just get in the bed. DiCaprio: Okay. [Leo jumps in the bed.] DiCaprio: Kate Winslet?! What're you doing in this picture? Director: We replaced the other actress and got Kate to do this scene. Kate Winslet: Yeah. Besides, I just had to do this. DiCaprio: You sound different, Kate. Like...a guy...impersonating a woman's voice. Kate Winslet: Well, you know us Brits: we love dressing up as woman for a laugh. Director: Ha! [The director tears his face off, which was a mask, and the face of Luke Skywalker is revealed] DiCaprio: Holy...! Mark Hamill?! Luke: No, Luke Skywalker. DiCaprio: Whatever. [Kate Winslet tears her face off, which was also a mask, and Admiral Piett's face is revealed] DiCaprio: Uh...who're you? Piett: Kenneth Colley, dammit! Luke: You mean Admiral Piett. Piett: Whatever. DiCaprio (looks concerned): Huh...why do I feel so turned on right now? Piett: Hey, it happens. Live with it. [Piett stabs DiCaprio right in the chest] Piett: Well, maybe not. *** Piett: Hey wait! The scene isn't over yet! Luke: Yes it is. Piett: But it didn't have it good ending. Luke: Yes it did, you killed Leonardo DiCaprio. Piett: Oh yeah. Never mind then! Carry on. *** [Skywalker Ranch: the center of the known universe. Lucas sits atop a large golden throne with billions of dollars piled up around him, and several Star Wars characters surrounding and working around him] Lucas: Vader, to my side. Vader (kneeling beside him) Already here boss. Lucas: Oh, right. Report on Operation: Kick Titanic's Ass. Vader (takes datapad and reads): Sir! Leo DiCaprio, killed by Luke and Piett. Kate Winslet: beaten into coma by Chewbacca. Celine Dion: killed and mounted over your mantle. Lucas: Reword that for future generations' sake. Vader: Right. (continues) Billy Zane: thrown off a cliff by Imperial sentinels. Lucas: Did he make one of those dust clouds like Wild E. Coyote did when he fell off a cliff and hit bottom? Vader: I...don't think so, sir. Lucas: Well, tell them to go back and do it again and again until he does. Vader: Yessir (continues) James Horner: beaten with musical instruments by Figrin D'an, the Modal Nodes, Droopy McCool and John Williams. Eric Braeden: killed at the CBS stages in Hollywood by Wedge Antilles and Tycho Celchu. Lucas: Eric who? Vader: He's the guy who played John Jacob Astor. Lucas: Oh. (pause) Wait a minute! You mean Victor from The Young and The Restless?! Vader: Um...yes. Lucas: Oh my God, you killed Victor! Vader: Yes I know, 'You bast...' Lucas: Shhhh! Don't finish that, or Comedy Central will have my ass on a platter! Vader: Oh yes, I forgot. Sorry 'bout that. Leia: Master! Lucas: Yes? Leia: Fett has brought Cameron as you've requested. Lucas: Good. Bring them in at once. [Leia leaves, and shortly returns with Boba Fett, who drags along a chained and shackled James Cameron behind him] Fett: Here's the scum, sire. Lucas: Thank you Fett. And thanks for not disintergrating him like you did virtually everyone else I asked you bring to me. Fett: Who would've thought I'd finally get the message, huh? Lucas: Right. (turns to Cameron) So Jim, how are ya? Cameron: George! What the hell are you doing? Lucas: Getting my revenge, fanboy. Cameron: But...that congratulatory picture in Variety... Lucas: Did you see the art on that thing? I could've gotten someone way better, like Struzan or Dorman, to do it if I really gave a rat's ass. Cameron: But why all these tactics? Episode 1's gonna make way more money than I did. Lucas: But that's too damn long to wait! I want the number one spot, and I want it back *NOW*! Cameron: But...I can't do anything about that! Lucas (pause): You know you're right. There really isn't anything you can do, now is there. Well, I might as well hold off all that financial revenge and cut to the chase. Feed him to the rancor! Malakili: Um, Master? Lucas: What is it? Malakili: The rancor...isn't feeling so well, sire. Lucas: Oh no...did you feed it the national brand rancor meat or the store brand? Malakili (dejectedly): Um...the store brand, sir. Lucas (slapping his head): Oh for crying out...! I told you never to feed that damned rancor that crap-ass store brand! Now I've got to deal with a puking rancor for the next two weeks! Malakili: I'll go clean up after him, Master. [He leaves as Lucas covers his face ashamedly with his hand] Cameron: Ha! That's what you get for making sequels, Lucas: more assholes to deal with! All: Hey!! Han: That was (hic) uncalled for... Lucas: Well, at least I'm not a two-bit goon who thinks a bunch of special effects and sappy emotions will make me the world's greatest director! All: Ouch! Leia: Good comeback! Cameron: Well, at least I'm the Best Director! All: Ooohhh!! Vader: Here we go...! Lucas: Oh that's it. You're dead now! Torture droid! [The droid enters] C3P0: Yes Master? Cameron: He's the torture droid? What about those guys?! [He points to EV-9D9 and 8D8] EV-9D9: Oh, we got out of that racket years ago. 8D8: Besides, the medical coverage wasn't all that great compared to the benefits of slaving around the ranch. Lucas: You see, there not assholes after all! Just appreciative creations! Take him away! Cameron: No please, I'll be good! I'll never make another big-budget movie ever again; just independent Sundance crap! I promise! C3P0: It's no use now. Now you'll see why the nickname's "Goldenrod!" Han (to Cameron): Believe me (hic)...sorry. I had no idea of that when I called him that... *** Lucas: Ugh. What a horrible way to end the story. Vader: What, with this short and humorous epilogue? Piett: The readers might not all think it's funny. Luke: Shaddup! He meant with the 3P0 thing, right? Lucas: Be quiet! It's time to plug the movie. Leia: Oh, you mean the movie none of us are in. Vader: I'm in it. Piett: Yes, but not the good you. The little punk kid you. Lucas: Coming Memorial Day Weekend 1999, to a theater near you! Vader: I was not a punk kid! Lucas: See it...or die. Leia: You can't say that to them. No one'll go. Lucas: Alright then. See it...or this guy'll be after you. C3P0: At soon as I'm done with Cameron. Luke: Ugh, the story is still gonna end sick. Lucas: Good night everybody!