From: pleasedontspamdvoraktsyn@mindspring.com (mdb) Subject: Re: If Skywalker had lived Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 11:06:01 GMT rimrun@halcyon.com (Rimrunner). A fragrance for goats. > How alike are they? (Quite a bit, >from what Ben and Yoda tell us about Anakin.) What sort of friction might >that promote? After a long silent dinner, Anakin finally speaks up, "You cut off my hand!" "Well, you cut my off first!" ____________________________________________________________ From: you@somewhere.intime (usher) Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 15:41:34 GMT "I was just trying to disarm you." "Good thing you missed." "Besides, you hit my shoulder first." ___________________________________________________________ From: Halina Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 13:06:06 -0400 Leia groans: "I can't belive I'm related to these two. What was mom thinking?!" ___________________________________________________________ From: Lomerana Date: Sat, 23 Aug 1997 11:22:57 +0200 Whereupon the ghost of Ben shows up "Now be nice to each other and use the Force" ___________________________________________________________ From: JamesG Date: Sat, 23 Aug 1997 15:02:16 +0100 Anakin: "Why should I listen to you? Look what happened *last time*..." ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ From: lucystorey@aol.com (LucyStorey) Subject: Re: Vader's death Date: 31 May 1997 22:10:10 GMT Karrde wrote: >>Vader was the second most powerful person in the galaxy. Wouldn't he have had >>a surge protector? >> >Yeah, his surge protector was called the Dark Side! The Dark side is >good with all things electrical. Join me, Luke. You don't know the >power of the Dark side! It can power a small toaster oven >indefinitely, with which you can bake the most delicious cakes and >muffins! Luke: I don't like fatty foods. Vader: You'll eat what your father tells you and count yourself lucky. Don't you realize that all over the galaxy people are starving? Luke: That's because you initiated an Imperial embargo. Vader: Don't give me any of your lip. That's the rebellion talking. They've brainwashed you. You need new friends. Luke: (whining) It's your fault I joined the rebellion. It's your fault I had to eat Aunt Beru's cooking for 20 years. It's your fault I couldn't go to Toschi Station to pick up my power converters. Vader: Ssshhut up. I'm warning you. Luke: It's your fault that Alderraan blew up and it's your fault that people are starving and it's especially your fault that I'm in love with my sister whose cakes and muffins, by the way, are way better than yours. Vader: Okay, that's it. Hold out your hand. ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ Subject: re: does vader have to eat? and other ?s From: jedi.rob@mail.utexas.edu (jedi rob gacutan) Date: 1997/04/03 >Okay, I felt like posting something and this is all I could think of, think not. post. or post not. >Does the Dark Lord of the Sith have to eat or does his suit take care of >that? yes, he eats. >Another thing, are the Imperial Guards blind? I always thought they were, may i ask why? >And why the hell don't they intervene when Vader starts >killing the Emperor? "guards, leave us." >And what happen to them anyway, and what happens to >those creepy Corellian senators that are with Palpatine? they go on a taco run for vader. > And why do they >accompany him in the first place? what, you think the emperor goes on taco runs? > Too many questions!!! a man once told me, "son, there are no stupid questions. just stupid people." ______________________________________________________________ From: rrubel1@umbc.edu (Rich Rubel) Date: 1997/04/03 Barbara Grant (bgrant@netcom.com) wrote: : There is that scene in ESB when Admiral Piett approaches Vader in : his chamber. Vader's back is turned, and Piett winces as Vader's helmet : is lowered onto his head. Forgive me for the levity, but I always pictured him either drinking through a straw, or pouring coffee through the front of his mask a'la Dark Helmet in Space Balls :-) In seriousness, I figured the suit took care of things, with replaceable IV packs or hypo sprays or something. >Pfff< Hmm.. Strawberry Shortcake! ____________________________________________________________ From: Chris Layne Date: 1997/04/03 Can you see Vader and the Emperor sitting down to dinner? EMPEROR: Lord Vader, please pass the peas. VADER: (raising his hand and moving the plate with the Force) Yes, my Master. ____________________________________________________________ From: lucystorey@aol.com (LucyStorey) Date: 1997/04/12 It's a social situation in which not even the suavest of Dark Lords, Sithian or otherwise, could possibly retain dignity. The peas have been passed, right, and then the inevitable: EMPEROR: Lord Vader, I propose a toast. VADER: Yes, my Master. (Resignedly raises glass/goblet/disposable Dixie cup) EMPEROR: To the Empire. No, to me. Yes, to me! (sips) VADER: To you, my Master. (*clunk.* Rivlets of Chardonney dribble down the black uniform. A blinking red light fizzles and goes out.) EMPEROR: Ah, my jolly Lord Vader, what would I do without you to amuse me? Now, let's see you tackle the mashed potatoes. _______________________________________________________________ From: "Patrick H." Date: 1997/04/04 C3POs for breakfast, sandwich and doritoes for lunch, and a taco bell kids meal so he can get the yoda/vader cube. _____________________________________________________________ From: Scott Tice Date: 1997/04/03 I believe Vader eats through a straw. And you thought the chamber was for meditation/rejuvination... actually its his own private sushi bar. Sushi through a straw of course... Krayt dragon eggs. ______________________________________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 04:12:14 GMT THREEPIO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main food processor! We'll be starved for sure. This is madness! THREEPIO: We're doomed! THREEPIO: WHat's that? .... THREEPIO: They're heading in this direction! This is cabbage! We'll be sent to the spiced pineapple or smashed into sauerkraut! ...Wait a minute, where are you going? VADER: Where are those canned fishes you intercepted? REBEL OFFICER: We intercepted no canned fishes... This is a kitchen ship. ... TROOPER: There's one! Set for frappe! TROOPER: She'll be okay. Inform our waiter we have a dish for her. (Him, but what the hey) She'll fry before she tells you anything! ... BERU: Luke, tell Owen that if he gets a pressure cooker to be sure it makes broccoli. Luke: Doesn't look like he'll have much of a choice, but I'll remind him. OWEN: I suppose you're programmed for eggplant and melon balls! 3P0: Melon balls? Why, they're my primary luncheon! Owen: I have no need for a melon ball droid. THREEPIO: Of course not, sir, not in a kitchen such as this. That's why I've been programmed for over thirty secondary dishes... OWEN: What I really need is a droid who understands the binary language of roasted dinner waiters. THREEPIO: Dinner waiters! Sir, my first job was programming binary roadkill... Very similar to your dinner waiters.. OWEN: Do you speak broccoli? THREEPIO: Of course, sir. It's like a second main dish to me! ___________________________________________________________ From: lucystorey@aol.com (LucyStorey) Date: 19 Apr 1997 07:40:13 GMT LEIA: Darth Vader! Only you could eat those bones. The Imperial Senate will not sip swill or piss. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic kitchen ship -- VADER: Don't ask to be fried, your highness... Several bland dishes were baked on board by Ragu spies. I want to know what happened to the pans they lent you! _____________________________________________________________ From: gst_bailey@emuvax.emich.edu (K. Bailey) Date: 19 Apr 97 14:07:25 EST LEIA: I don't know what you're talking. I'm a member of the Imperial Kitchen on a culinary mission to Luigi's diner. VADER: You are part of McDonald's and a hack chef. Take her way. _______________________________________________________________ From: twinion@imperial.navy.squadron (Twin Ion Engine) Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 00:10:37 GMT The ability to consume food, is insignificant, next to the power of the fart. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Subject: Vader in ROTJ From: Yuri Mytko Date: 1997/04/13 I'm fairly new to this group so I don't know if this has been discussed here before, but I always thought it would be funny if Vader had lived, he would have joined Luke at the Ewok celebration: Luke: "Everybody this is my dad." Vader: "Pleased to finally meet you socially Mr. Solo, my apologies for that carbon freezing thing. Luke: "I believe you know Leia - your daughter." Vader: "Yeah, sorry about Alderaan" ___________________________________________________________ From: bpacula@value.net (Brian N. Pacula) Date: 1997/04/13 Vader: I see the Alliance puts together a mean buffet table. Mind if I have the last shrimp-ka-bob? Leia: Darth Vader...only you would be so bold! ___________________________________________________________ From: "Patrick H." Date: 1997/04/14 Vader: "Argh! You call these shrimp-ka-bobs! You have failed me for the last time. (Starts to strangle the cook with the force) Luke: Dad. Everyone is looking at us. Put the cook down and just eat your dinner. __________________________________________________________ From: Elijah Date: 1997/04/14 Luke "I just felt a tremble in the force" Vader "No son that is called bad indegestion...No more shrimp kabobs for you" __________________________________________________________ From: Mango-Wan Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 22:58:18 +1000 Once i had the entree, now i have had the dessert, the dinner is now complete. or I find your lack of spices disturbing. ________________________________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 18:43:00 GMT Only a desert of strawberries, Darth. You should not have had seconds. ________________________________________________________ From: lucystorey@aol.com (LucyStorey) Date: 16 Apr 1997 02:00:53 GMT Obi-Wan has fed you well. __________________________________________________________ From: CardSafe@unix.asb.com (Rich Handley) Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 06:48:51 GMT -- Your chowder is weak, old man! -- You can't win, Darth -- if you scarf it down, it shall become more indigestible than you can possibly imagine! -- He's more margarine than man now -- melted and evil. -- Obi-Wan IS here -- the forks are with him! _________________________________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 15:42:37 GMT You have learned to control your appetite. Now, release your gas. (Was that a little gross? :)) _________________________________________________________ From: rkkim@acsu.buffalo.edu Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 14:47:43 -0400 Yoda joins the party: Much gas in him, like his father. Was I any different when you fed me? He is too full. Yes, too full to begin dessert. I won't fail you. I'm not full. Yes. You will be. You will be. ____________________________________________________________ From: yeoldejoke@aol.com (YeOldeJoke) Date: 19 Apr 1997 03:14:58 GMT Mango-Wan wrote: <> Later that night, while suffering from stomach problems, he looks down at his tummy and addresses the food refusing to be digested: "You are eaten! It is useless to resist." _____________________________________________________________ From: schmutzi@aol.com (Schmutzi) Date: 19 Apr 1997 18:39:34 GMT DV: The service is now complete. When I left you, I was but the slurper. Now *I* am the masticator. OW: Only a masticator of weevils, Darth. * * * DV: Your bowels are weak, old man. OW: It's my gin, Darth. If I bolt it down I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. DV: You should not have gotten fat. _______________________________________________________ From: Mango-Wan Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 23:34:03 +1000 (To Lando) I have changed the menu, pray I do not alter it any further. __________________________________________________________ From: Jeremy Kwiecien Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 18:04:43 GMT Well Solo, I must admit, you've put on a better spread than I did back on Cloud City. Oh, sorry 'bout that mess Lando, but you're more forgiving than I am. One more thing, Han, why didn't you invite Boba? HE would be impressed. ________________________________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 18:44:25 GMT Mango-Wan (sci-jrc1@jcu.edu.au) wrote: : (To Lando) : I have changed the menu, pray I do not alter it any further. No more balls! From now on you may only eat spheres... What is thy order, my master? Take the main dish to the far side of the table. There it will wait... until called for. _____________________________________________________ From: roguejedi@spam.me.not.com (Robert Nolan) Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 05:24:42 GMT On Tue, 15 Apr 1997 18:44:25 GMT, stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) stood and screamed: /*Take the main dish to the far side of the table. There it will wait... /*until called for. But what of the hungry people gathering around the dinning room? __________________________________________________________________ From: roguejedi@spam.me.not.com (Robert Nolan) Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 05:10:14 GMT Can you see them, Red 5? No...wait. There they are, two baked hams at 2:10. _________________________________________________________________ From: Erin Fencil Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 11:26:39 -0400 Elijah wrote: > > Vader "No son that is called bad indegestion...No more shrimp kabobs for > you" *A huge sand-worm slides by, shaking the ground underneath their feet. The ground cracks and shivers, lifting them up a few feet as it passes under their feet.* Luke: What was that? Vader: It was a TREMOR IN THE FORCE. *Drumroll for lame joke* __________________________________________________________________ From: cscott@best.com (Chris Scott) Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 20:30:50 -0700 "Chef, tear this kitchen apart until you've found those lambs, and bring me the pepperjack, I want them to fry!" __________________________________________________________________ From: lucystorey@aol.com (LucyStorey) Date: 17 Apr 1997 04:15:59 GMT "I'll be waiting on you, Obi-Wan. We eat again at last." _________________________________________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 05:08:27 GMT : "I'll be waiting on you, Obi-Wan. We eat again at last." Sounds like we have found the True Plot of star wars. The real god of the Star Wars universe is... *drum roll* Max Rebo! And speaking of Jabba's palace... "Greetings, well-fed one. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Cook and waiter to Captain Solo. I know that you are powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your hunger for Solo must be equally powerful. I seek a dinner with Your Greatness to bargain for Solo's lunch. ... With your appetite, I'm sure we can work out a table arrangement which will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant flavors. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift: These two snacks... Both are good cooks, and will serve you well." "This can't be! Artoo, you're playing the wrong invitation!" "There will be no dinner." _________________________________________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 04:35:55 GMT There will be a substantial reward for the one who fries the hamburger & olive. You are free to use any utensils necessary, but I want them deep-fried. No meat imitations. As you wish. ________________________________________________________________ From: Jon Mason Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 14:26:53 +0100 "I want my dessert, not excuses." _______________________________________________________________ From: Jeremy Kwiecien Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 16:26:10 GMT "She must have hid the plums in fruit salad" ______________________________________________________________ From: mars0630@mach1.wlu.ca (Andrew Marshall u) Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 22:40:48 GMT "Pepperjack? Now that's a spice I've not used in a long "thyme", a long "thyme". "But I was going into Shop 'n' Save to pick up some Powerbars!" "Aren't you a little short for a frankfurter?" ______________________________________________________________ From: Bad Karma Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 14:30:19 +0300 "If this is a kitchen, where is the chef!?" _____________________________________________________________ From: co216@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Jeff Jacques) Date: 16 Apr 1997 23:25:51 GMT -Six helpings of cranberry sauce? Darth Vader, only *you* could be so bold! -Lando's got people who can make good pies. -I don't trust Lando. _____________________________________________________________ From: "Davin Felth" Date: 17 Apr 1997 00:36:39 GMT I don't trust him either, but he's got no love for whipped cream... ____________________________________________________________ From: Mango-Wan Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 20:00:44 +1000 How about.... (Captain Needa) Prepare my shuttle , I shall deliver Vaders dinner personaly. (Vader) Asparagus accepted Captain Needa. or The power of this battlestation is insignificant compared to the power of the Emperor's Chili Con Carne _____________________________________________________________ From: Dark Lord Karno Dal Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 06:34:55 -0500 On Fri, 18 Apr 1997, Mango-Wan wrote: > The power of this battlestation is insignificant compared to > the power of the Emperor's Chili Con Carne ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You mean Bert's Chili. ;) _____________________________________________________________ From: hotral@rpi.edu (Lee Hotraphinyo) Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 02:35:21 GMT So, you have a sister. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. If you will not join us for dinner maybe your sister will. _____________________________________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (Ember/Talaranth/Sisihkat) Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 02:00:05 GMT Unfortunate that we got a booth? Luke, you will find that many of the booths we sit at depend greatly on our own chicken stew. _____________________________________________________________ From: hotral@rpi.edu (Lee Hotraphinyo) Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 02:14:12 GMT This is the ultimate roast in the galaxy! I suugest we eat it. _____________________________________________________________ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 17:46:20 -0400 From: Max Silvestri Man: We'd like a booth, please. *Hostess 1 looks over chart of restaurant* Hostess 1: I'm sorry, sir. There are none left. *Hostess 2 comes running up* Hostess 2: Wait. There is... another... _____________________________________________________________ From: oblio@nishodan.org (oblio-1) Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 21:46:54 GMT Switch all flour to front baking sheets. The gum, it's stopped!?!? I'd just as soon eat a cookie. I can arrange that. You could use a hershey's kiss. ____________________________________________________________ From: jedial@aol.com (Jedi Al) Date: 24 Apr 1997 05:23:13 GMT Don't be too proud of this culinary terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy an appetite is insignificant, next to the power of the borscht. ____________________________________________________________