From: "Rob" Subject: Star Wars Top 10 Date: 2 Feb 1997 04:10:38 GMT TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS PLOT LINE CHANGES FOR THE UPCOMING RE-RELASE 10. The stormtroopers kill Luke at his uncle's house. The movie ends. 9. Luke does NOT stay on target.... but Porkins does! He blows up the Death Star, gets Leia, and spends the remainder of the trilogy in the Rebel Cafeteria. 8. R2-D2 does not let the Wookie win, and Chebacca tears him to shreds, causing C3PO to go into an uncharateristic rage, culminating in his initiation of the Falcon's self-destruct sequence. 7. Obi-Wan and Vader settle their differences the old-fashioned way..... shoots! Best two out of three. 6. Leia falls for BOTH Luke and Han, convincing them to leave the Rebellion in favour of the Corellian Pleasure Cruiser "Jaba's Paradise" where the three spend out their days engaging in unspeakable acts using the force. 5. Luke's father turns out to be.... Jaba the Hutt! (Luke: Nooooo! Jaba: Huoh, huoh, huoh!) 4. Darth Vader turns out to be Luke's mother. (journey to the Dark Side indeed!) 3. Vader looses the Death Star to Lando Calrisian in a poker game. 2. The Jawas led by R2-D2 and the Ewoks led bby Selacious Crumb plunge into a 100-year war known as the "War of Who Gives a Rat's Ass?". and the No. 1 rejected plot line, Luke removes Vader's mask to discover that he is..... Jim "The Anvil" Nightheart!!! (Luke: Noooo! Vader: Nyaaaaaahhh!) ________________________________________________________________________________ From: gerthein@worldaccess.nl (Gerthein Boersma) Subject: Top ten ways in which Star Wars is better than The X-Files Date: Mon, 07 Apr 1997 11:08:43 GMT Got this list from my brother, the X-phile. Have to ask him where he got it though.. ------- Top Ten ways Star Wars beats the X-Files 10) Boba Fett would not have made the mistake of killing Scully's sister. 9) When Fox Mulder has a problem with the government, he breaks into an abandoned facility. When the Rebels get pissed, they load into the X-Wings and blow stuff up!!! 8) Leia looks better in abikini. 7) Luke and Han take on entire platoons of stormtroopers by themselves. Mulder gets his butt kicked by the flukeman. 6) When Han needs help, he turns to the smooth Billy Dee Williams. When Mulder needs help, he turns to three computer geeks from a Star Trek convention. 5) One word:Ewoks. 4) Cigerette Man smokes cigarettes to look mean. Darth Vader knows cigarettes don't make one mean. Blowing up planets does. 3) Vader also doesn't need cigarettes to have a breathing problem. 2) Everyone knows that the only reason Mulder and Scully use those really bright flashlights is for the lightsaber effect they get in the dark. And the number one reason Star Wars beats the X-Files: 1) Deep Throat gets shot, and that's the last you see of him. Obi-Wan gets vaporized by a lightsaber, and not only still shows up for the rest of that movie, but comes back for 2 sequels. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted 3000) Subject: Re: The "origin" of The Balance of the Force. Date: 24 Apr 1997 00:16:58 GMT Top ten rejected working titles for Star Wars: 10: The Saga of Anakin Starkiller, taken from the Journal of th Wills; Chapter One, the Star Wars. 9: Super Star Wars 2000 8: LOBOT 7:Wookie Fever 6: Droid parade of pleasure 5: Jabba-licous recipies FROM THE YEAR 5000 4: Mitchell 3: Beru Stew (In 3-D) 2: Workmans Comp. for Porkins 1: Boba Fett's baaaad asssssss song ________________________________________________________________________________ From: ausui@ix.netcom.com (Arlene Usui) Subject: Top ten ways to battle Star Wars ennui Date: Sat, 19 Jul 1997 21:00:46 GMT 10. Get up from your monitor. Go to the open window. Lean out and in a loud voice, yell "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" Whoops, sorry. Wrong movie. ______________________________________________ From: Davin Felth Subject: Re: Top ten ways to battle Star Wars ennui Date: Sat, 19 Jul 1997 21:42:11 -0400 You'll need some food coloring for this one... 9. Go to the kitchen, open up the fridge, and pour yourself a nice tall glass of blue milk. ________________________________________ From: beyowulf@pipeline.com (Andrew Toth) Subject: Re: Top ten ways to battle Star Wars ennui Date: Sun, 20 Jul 1997 03:04:35 GMT 8. Stand in a jungle and let the Force flow through you. ___________________________________ From: "remoore@mindspring.com" Subject: Re: Top ten ways to battle Star Wars ennui Date: Sun, 20 Jul 1997 19:00:50 -0400 7. Cover yourself in tin foil. Get a short friend to do the same. Then shout in a prissy english voice while he makes beeping sounds. _______________________________________ From: stephg@netcom.com (JavaJawa/Ember/Talaranth) Subject: Re: Top ten ways to battle Star Wars ennui Date: Mon, 21 Jul 1997 06:40:10 GMT 6. (Choice of 2) a. Design, and if you feel rich and bored, construct, a new lightsaber. This can consist of only the lightsaber handle, or it can double as something else, or you can try to make a blade of sorts. b. Using a lightsaber, viciously attack a chair. At least 3 rounds recommended -- during my first use of a toy lightsaber today I died the first match (left my defenses wide open while I made ready to make the killing swing) and was crippled the second (tripped) ... only the third time did I succeed in defeating this highly dangerous inanimate object. If you're feeling even more daring, try attacking a lawn chair, door frame, hammock, or --gasp-- plastic flamingo. ________________________________________ From: rimrun@halcyon.com (Rimrunner) Subject: Re: Top ten ways to battle Star Wars ennui Date: 21 Jul 1997 15:21:31 -0700 5. Babysit a young Star Wars fan. If it's winter and snowing, build Hoth in the back yard. If you do kendo or fencing, show the young SW fan some moves with the toy lightsaber that will put him/her head and shoulders above the competition (i.e., other neighborhood kids). Make a pillow fort for the Rebel fighters to attack. And for a pre-naptime snack, blue milk and cookies! ____________________________________________ From: ausui@ix.netcom.com (Arlene Usui) Subject: Re: Top ten ways to battle Star Wars ennui Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 19:56:29 GMT >4. it would be great - train the kids in the ways of the force, > but tell them not to let *anyone* know about their training. > you could have them wax the car, paint the fence, make > swamp stew, and clean the dishes (of course, by using the > force to remove the food particles). teach them how to use > visions of the future for what they're designed for, like > gambling, politics, dating, etc. make their whole lives > revolve around your particular side of the force. > then, 20 years from now, when they come looking for you - > not because they need you to fight an intergalactic war, but > because you screwed them up mentally and now they're > suing you. 3. The next time you see a jetliner pass overhead in the night sky, focus on the running lights and pretend it's Luke's x-wing. ________________________________________________________________________________ Subject: Re: Jedi Ten Commandments? Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 14:29:59 +0000 From: Super Psycho Space Kid 1. Thou shalt Do. Or thou shalt do not. There is no try. 2. Thou shalt use the Force for knowledge and defense. Thou shalt not use it for attack. 3. Thou shalt not give in to hate. That leads to the dark side. 4. Thou shalt mind what thou hast learned. Save thou it can. 5. Thou shalt trust thy feeling. 6. Thou shalt not let size matter. 7. Thou shalt go about thy business. 8. Thou shalt not join him as Father and Son, and thou shalt not rule the galaxy together. 9. Thou shalt not look this good when 900 years old thou reach. 10. Thou shalt not take Gonk's name in vein. ______________________________________________ Subject: Re: Jedi Ten Commandments? Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 02:36:16 GMT From: Mike Arlene Usui wrote: > > Correct me if I'm wrong. Rearrange at will. :-) > > 1. Do. Or do not. There is no try. > > 2. A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense. Never > for attack. > > 3. Don't give in to hate. That leads to the dark side. > > 4. Mind what you have learned. Save you it can. > > 5. Trust your feeling. That's "Yoda's Revised Commandments for the Modern Jedi." The original, largely unknown to "modern Jedi," read as follows: 1) Thou shalt not dismember thy neighbor 2) Thou shalt not lie to Jedi trainees 3) Thou shalt not give deadly weapons to impulsive students 4) Thou shalt not display Jedi abilities while hiding from stormtroopers 5) Thou shalt not let students play with lightsabers inside cramped starships 6) Thou shalt not get thyself killed before major galactic battles 7) If thou dost lose a student to the Dark Side, thou shalt not train his son 8) Thou shalt warn thy pilot of danger _before_ entering tractor beam range The other two have been lost to history, but are said to relate to wookiee hygiene ________________________________________________________________________________ Subject: Top Ten Rejected Tagge and Motti lines Date: 8 Feb 1998 17:04:25 GMT From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted 3000) 10. Until this battlestation is operational, we are going to sit on our asses and think about it. 9. Look at Tarkin's head. I think his Skull is going to pop out presently. 8. The Rebel Alliance symbol buggs me. Am I the only one? 7. Hey, Tagge. Do us all a favor and take your attitude outside. 6. I don't know why, but I have the feeling that the Rebel alliance is going to make our jobs VERY hard today. 5. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion is quite sad. It just it. 4. More dangerous to the fleet, commander, and this floating deat-trap as well I presume. 3. OK! Now I really do smell pie! Where the HELL is that pie smell coming from? Tell me you don't smell that! 2. The rebellion will continue to gain support until every planet in the galaxy hates the Empire. Then who's going to listen to us, huh? Let's blast everyone but us pronto. 1. Why are Tarkin and Vader always late to these staff meetings? _______________________________________________________________________________ Subject: Top 10 secrets of Han Solo Date: 8 Feb 1998 17:13:14 GMT From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted 3000) 10. Keeps backup blasters EVERYWHERE 9. Never learned Sabbacc, was winging it and got lucky. 8. Loves a good Pie 7. Afraid other smugglers will steal his "Look" 6. Ashamed to admit his dancing skills 5. His first ship? The Swift Fancylad 4. Met Chewie when pricing Wookies slaves, bought him knowing about the life debt, told him he "freed" him 3. Once killed a bounty hunter named Neevo who was asking him the time 2. Once killed a bounty hunter named Neevo who explained in detail his plan of killing hand and stealing his ship. 1. When frozen in carbonite, he was awake and heard Fett singing showtunes all the way to Tatooine ________________________________________________________________________________ Subject: Top 10 rejected sidekicks for Anakin Date: 18 Aug 1998 17:11:56 GMT From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted 3000) 10. Young Chewbacca (Unintelligible) 9. Young Boba Fett (too grumpy) 8. Young Uncle Owen (Too mean) 7. Young Jabba the Hutt (Too difficult to animate) 6. Young 2-1B (Too lame) 5. Young Wampa (Too hot on Tatooine) 4. Young Indianna Jones (Too hard to explain) 3. Bruce Willis (Salary too high) 2. Young Lando Clarissian (Too Cool- see also Wampa) 1. Young Mon Mothma (Too Mothma) ________________________________________________________________________________ Subject: Top 10 things the Force can't do Date: 23 Sep 1998 16:59:28 GMT From: ted3000@aol.com (Ted 3000) 10. The Force can't save your ass AND let your friends escape. (Only if you are Obi-Wan, this works for Luke in ROTJ) 9. The Force can't fix a chooped off hand. (though you can chop one off with it) 8. The Force can't get you past biker-scouts. (Though it can get you past those troops on Tatooine) 7. The Force can't influence Jabba. (Though a little force applied to as chain can) 6. The Force can't fix a hyperdrive. (Though it can nix a hyper whine. See Luke ANH vs Luke ROTJ) 5. The Force can't open a hatch under Cloud City for Luke. (Though it can levitate a lightsaber out of snow) 4. The Force can't tell where Vader is on Could City hallways. (thought it can tell when a planet light-years away blows up) 3. The Force can't choke a stupid Rancor. (Though it can choke ranking Imperial officers) 2. The Force can't predict the Plot of the Empire Strike Back. Always in motion is the future. (Though it can predict Jedi? I mean, Leia is Like's sister? Come on!) 1. The Force can't read Leia's mind about the Rebel Base. (But it can read Luke's mind about Leia.) Other Force Wackiness: If size matters not, then why not simply have Luke hurl Death Star II into the nearest star with his mind? If the Force can have a strong influence on the weak minded, why can't Luke convince his Uncle Owen to let him join the academy? Q: How is the more foolish? The fool, of the fool who follows him? A: The fool who follows him on some damn fool idealistic crusade.