Subject: [HUMOR] Yoda writes Star Wars Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 15:08:01 -0500 From: Sean Walsh aka slw67 Trust me, I think you'll all like this one...no personal psychological quips like "Vader and Deja Vu". And note Yoda's lines in the last piece...enjoy!!! -- Let's just suppose George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan had their screenplays edited by...a certain green little Muppet... Jabba: Solo! Out of there come you now! Solo! Han: Here am I, Jabba. Waiting for you have I been. Jabba: Now have you? Han: Think I would run did you? Jabba: Disappoint me you do, Han boy. Paid me you haven't...why not? And for why Greedo fry you did? Han: Jabba, time next you talk to me, by yourself shall you be. Send you not these twerps of yours, especially rusty-head Fett there. Jabba: Han, exceptions can I not make. If everyone smuggling drop pants...cargo at sign of Star Destroyer did they, no money I would make. Good business it is not. Han: Choice did you think I had? Got nice charter do I have now. Back and extra I pay you. But time I need some more of. Jabba: My boy Han. Best you are. For twenty percent extra you pay... Han: Fifteen, Jabba, push it not. Jabba: Okay, percent is fifteen. But if fail me again do you, price on your head I will put, and so big will it be that civilized systems you shall not enter. Han: Jabba, wonderful human being are you. Jabba: Boscka...(to self) Second must I wait...human being I am not...? -- Vader: General, what it is you must speak? Veers: Lord of mine, out of lightspeed the fleet has moved. Energy field Com-scan has detected around planet six of Hoth system. Strong is the field. Deflect bombardment it can. Vader: Alerted of our presence, the Rebels are. Out of lightspeed did Ozzel take us too close. Veers: Wiser would surprise be did he think... Vader: Clumsy is he. And stupid. General, troops of yours, to battle they must prepared to go. Veers: Yes my lord. [Veers leaves as Vader contacts Admiral Ozzel and Captain Piett.] Ozzel: Vader, lord of mine, lightspeed have we left and begin we the...aaagh! Vader: Last time fail do you, Admiral. Captain Piett? Piett: Yes lord of mine. Vader: Ready make the troops for landing will you. Beyond energy field will it be. Fleet you must deploy, and nothing off system must get. In command you are now, Admiral Piett Piett: You do I think, Vader lord of mine. -- Yoda: What's with that look? Do I look that old to you, ya punk? Luke: No...course not it does. Yoda: Yes I do, you rat bastard, yes I do! I'm sick, you know. Old and weak too. When you live to be 900 years old, you won't be lookin' so great. Yoda: Soon I'll be dead, and you'll be able to ransack my place for all my goodies after I'm dead. Besides, after 900 friggin' years, I deserve a "forever sleep," I suppose. Luke: Yoda master, cannot die must you. Yoda: Listen kid, I'm pretty damn strong with the Force, but not that strong! My days are almost over, and soon night must fall. That is the way life goes...it sucks, but there's no stoppin' it! Luke: But your help do I need. Come back have I to make training complete. Yoda: Nah, you don't need anymore training. You know everything you need to know. Luke: Then Jedi am I. Yoda: Ha! Yeah right! Not yet, speedy! One thing is left for you to do: you've gotta face Vader again, and this time...as you'd probably say it, "Beat him you must"...how the hell can you talk like that, kid? Luke: Yoda master...Vader, my father is he? Yoda (long yawn): Whoa there, look at the time. Time for night to fall, wouldn't you say? Luke: Master, know I must this. Yoda: Oy...well, here we go...yeah, he's you're father...I take it he told you? Luke: Yes. Yoda: Hmm...mustn't have taken it well, huh? This is most unexpected, and unfortunate I guess. Luke: Unfortunate that truth I must know? Yoda: No dumb ass! It's unfortunate that you took off so fast to face him! You weren't ready for the burden of something like that...heck, if the most evil man in the galaxy told me I was his son, I would've found a way to chop my damn head off! Luke: Sorry am I. Yoda: Remember what I taught you: a Jedi's strength flows from the forest...I never could understand what that meant, but you get the idea. And don't fall to anger or fear or aggression, 'cause that's where the Dark Side plays. Once you start down the path to the Dark Side, it'll haunt you forever....Luke...Luke... [Luke, he does move closer] Yoda: Do not...underestimate the power of the Emperor...or you're just as screwed as you're dad. Luke...when...I'm dead and buried...the last of the Jedi....well, that'll be you...sorry for the burden...Luke. The Force runs very strong through your family...as it once did with me...but now... I... can't... even... speak... at... normal... Muppet... err... vocal... speed... (coughs) Luke...there...is...another...Sky...Sky... Luke: Sky what, Yoda master? Yoda: Put two and two together, dummy! Skywalker! Sky...walk...er..........shit... [The ancient green creature with the odd dialect catches his last breath and dies.]